Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am bing pathetic to be so upset by this, and is this normal for a primary school?

178 replies

Spero · 16/01/2010 21:23

I appreciate this isn't the most serious of issues, when compared with what is going on elsewhere, but it has really upset me and I would welcome views about whether I should just get a life or this is something a reasonable person would object to.

My daugther is having her birthday party in a few weeks. I initially said we should just invite all her class as I know from experience that most won't even respond, let alone turn up. She got very upset and said some of the little boys were very naughty and she didn't want them to spoil her party.

I asked her Reception teacher (she will be five) if it was ok not to invite all the class as I didn't want people getting upset. Teacher said, no, its her party she can invite who she wants.

I thought fair enough and planned on slipping invites discreetly into school bags at the end of the day but teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time.

I thought therefore they would just be discreetly slipped to individuals mums as they left, but I was horrified on Friday to arrive to pick her up to find the children seated in a large circle in front of teacher and my daughter (who was beside herself with joy), grandly bestowing invites on the class.

Those who hadn't got an invitation looked stricken. Two little boys were crying and one came up to me and asked why he hadn't been invited.

I didn't know what to say and felt very upset. I left in a bit of a daze, didn't speak with the teacher, don't know now if I should have done something, or if I'm just being a wimp and children need to know that they are not going to be everyone's friends or invited to every party.

But it just seemed such an unnecessarily public and cruel way to go about it and if that had happened to me when I was five, I suspect I would remember it to this day.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 16/01/2010 22:54

Because she got lumbered with your invites and was trying to get everybody organised at hometime she's now a bad teacher

onefatoneshortonelean · 16/01/2010 22:54

"Bags are on pegs in another room, so would have been very easy for me. I just don't understand why the teacher offered to take over"

It might have been in case people got arsey about a parent seeing what level reading book everyone is on. I have no idea if this is a RL problem but have seen it mentioned on here. Ditto looking in lunch bags and critisising the contents.

Original poster
Spero · 16/01/2010 22:56

almostreal - no I didn't give detailed instructions because it never occured to me that a teacher could be such a fucktard!

I am not feeling remotely guilty about not inviting everyone; I am very relieved as i said. I do think children need to learn they can't be everyone's friends, but why o why o why do this to a bunch of five year olds?

Anyway, off to bed now, thank you to everyone for helpful replies. I was very upset but I've got a few new strategies now.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 16/01/2010 22:58

Now she's a fucktard this sort of trivia is soooooo why I'm in no hurry to return to teaching.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/01/2010 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Armi · 16/01/2010 23:05

Hang on. You didn't ask the teacher to hand out the invites but she offered to assist...and you thought she'd have the time to go round 20-odd kids individually and slip the invites discreetly into their bags?! Er....how, exactly? Subtly handing out your daughter's party invitations isn't her job - she's a teacher and is basically 'on stage' for the duration of her teaching hours, with 30 pairs of eyes watching her every move! Even if she wanted to engage in time-consuming social subterfuge she couldn't. What did you expect her to do?

Armi · 16/01/2010 23:07

'no I didn't give detailed instructions because it never occured to me that a teacher could be such a fucktard!'

Oh, that's nice. I'm a secondary school teacher - maybe it's different at primary school teacher training...perhaps they spend time being trained in the art of handing out precious birthday invites for lazy parents.

displayuntilbestbefore · 16/01/2010 23:08

I think your first instinct to invite them all, or at least all the girls and then the boys couldn't feel left out because it was a girls-only party, would probably have saved you a lot of concern for the children not invited, and saved time on MN batting off people like me

To now mention it has caused you concern about what else is being badly handled is IMO an attempt to detract from the fact that you got it wrong this time and don't want to admit it.
The teacher isn't there to hand out invitations and even though she volunteered and was clumsy about how she handed them out, she might have forgotten that you weren't inviting all the class and felt just as wretched as you when she saw the upset caused or she might have simply underestimated how some of the children would react to not going to a party.

"fucktard"?

MollieO · 16/01/2010 23:13

It is hardly rocket science to distribute party invites. I would expect the TA or the teacher to do it as they had offered and do it in a discreet and sympathetic way. Ime 5 yr olds do obsess about party invites and the fact that they were told in front of the whole class whether they were or weren't invited is just cruel.

Maybe our school is odd as distributing invites, sweets and cake on birthdays is the norm. As for needing subterfuge to put invites into reading folders, info is put in them every day at our school - letters, announcements, homework. It is a very easy job to add an invite to the pile!

MilaMae · 16/01/2010 23:15

That phrase is actually really offensive and you are angry at the teacher for causing upset through no fault of her own

Armi has a very valid point,my dd's teacher barely gets time to do a wee on her own let alone search through bookbags for half an eye away from view of the children.

I'm guessing this subterfuge should have been done during the teacher's snatched 20 minute lunch break-how selfish of her not to

MilaMae · 16/01/2010 23:18

Letters are handed out to the children not put in bags for them,you'd be there all day!

noahandthewhale · 16/01/2010 23:18

Have realised I have no idea how DS's invitations were given out when he was in reception . I put them in his bookbag and they all disappeared.

Out of a class of 30, about 20 children were invited, but some were in another class, so probably about half his actual class were invited. I wonder if I should find out if there is a policy for the handing out. Am feeling a little bad I may well have inconvenienced teachers by sending in the invitations. Ah well, I still seem to be tolerated at least and DD is in that class now, so I can't be all bad.

For year 1 he only invited 3 other children so the giving out of invitations was easier.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/01/2010 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Armi · 16/01/2010 23:20

'It is hardly rocket science to distribute party invites.'

So why don't parents do it themselves?

'I would expect the TA or the teacher to do it as they had offered and do it in a discreet and sympathetic way. '

I believe the teacher had offered to assist, not hand the things out herself.

Honestly...the things some people seem to expect from the teaching profession...

It seems quite simple to me. If you want to invite children to a party it is your responsibility to ensure the invites are distributed. If you are picky about how this should be done then don't delegate it to someone who has ten million other things to do which are, frankly, higher on their list of priorities.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/01/2010 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Armi · 16/01/2010 23:22

There's every possibility - and this may come as a shock - that the teacher forgot that not every child was invited. After all, she does have 30 wrigglers in her charge and an impossibly packed curriculum to deliver, along with marking and paperwork. I'm not convinced that party invitations would really rate as top priority.

I think the moral is - 'If you want something doing, do it yourself.'

Missus84 · 16/01/2010 23:23

The teacher shouldn't have offered to do it if she didn't have time.

The OP asked what the policy was for handing out invites - teacher should have just told her to put them in book bags or hand them out in the playground.

MumNWLondon · 16/01/2010 23:24

At my DDs school to avoid this there is a choice

  • invite whole class (teacher puts in bags)
  • invite children of same sex as your DC (teacher puts in bags) - all parties from year 1 upwards are separate sex
  • invite who you want (you have to distribute the invites)

YANBU as if the school is flexible to let you invite who they want they should be sensitive about it too. You should speak to teacher about it.

displayuntilbestbefore · 16/01/2010 23:25

Stewie - OP says "teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time."

Clary · 16/01/2010 23:27

Yes this annoys me too.

I know it is done by some teachers and it seems unnecessary.

I really don't see why TA cannot put invites in book bags along with all the day'sother letters tbh (I am working as TA atm and would be happy to).

I wouldn't invite the uninvited just because of it tho - children who behave badly can ruin a party

Armi · 16/01/2010 23:27

'The teacher shouldn't have offered to do it if she didn't have time.'

The OP shouldn't have even raised the subject, if we're going down that route. I wouldn't ask my dentist to distribute my Christmas cards, or demand that my doctor deliver my wedding invites to patients of theirs who were acquaintances of mine - why should it even occur to a parent to ask a teacher to do such a thing? Teachers teach. That's our job. If you want a social secretary then pay for one.

Clary · 16/01/2010 23:30

mumNWlondon all parties after FS2 are single sex?

I presume you mean by choice then bt even so...

DD has two brothers, has always played with boys and went to at least 3 boys' parties last yr (she is in yr 4).

ShinyAndNew · 16/01/2010 23:40

The teachers give them out dd's school too, but they are handed to the children with the rest of their school notes/spellings for the day. There is no big fuss about it. Children not invited don't even notice.

nellie12 · 16/01/2010 23:42

oh stop worrying. It may have been badly handled but two things spring to mind.

  1. kids cant expect to be "unfriendly" to others and then be invited to their party.

  2. these kids left out probably aren't going to invite your daughter to their party if they have one.

Our dc aren't invited to every birthday in the class, it is mostly they're little group of friends. As ds1 (6) and his mates seem to delight in chasing the girls and despising girly things (yes I know they're little delights before anyone says) they dont get invited to the girls parties and vice versa.

finally it will be forgotten about next week.

MollieO · 16/01/2010 23:44

If someone offers to do something then I would expect them to do it. If they say they don't want to do it then I wouldn't expect their help. Simple really.

All our school communications are put in the children's reading folders by the teacher/TA. Maybe it is just the area where we live as this is the norm ime.