I am bing pathetic to be so upset by this, and is this normal for a primary school?

[Spero]

I appreciate this isn't the most serious of issues, when compared with what is going on elsewhere, but it has really upset me and I would welcome views about whether I should just get a life or this is something a reasonable person would object to.

My daugther is having her birthday party in a few weeks. I initially said we should just invite all her class as I know from experience that most won't even respond, let alone turn up. She got very upset and said some of the little boys were very naughty and she didn't want them to spoil her party.

I asked her Reception teacher (she will be five) if it was ok not to invite all the class as I didn't want people getting upset. Teacher said, no, its her party she can invite who she wants.

I thought fair enough and planned on slipping invites discreetly into school bags at the end of the day but teacher said she would help my daughter give them out at home time.

I thought therefore they would just be discreetly slipped to individuals mums as they left, but I was horrified on Friday to arrive to pick her up to find the children seated in a large circle in front of teacher and my daughter (who was beside herself with joy), grandly bestowing invites on the class.

Those who hadn't got an invitation looked stricken. Two little boys were crying and one came up to me and asked why he hadn't been invited.

I didn't know what to say and felt very upset. I left in a bit of a daze, didn't speak with the teacher, don't know now if I should have done something, or if I'm just being a wimp and children need to know that they are not going to be everyone's friends or invited to every party.

But it just seemed such an unnecessarily public and cruel way to go about it and if that had happened to me when I was five, I suspect I would remember it to this day.

I don't see why you should care what the norm is! One guest per age of DC is my norm-the rest can do as they wish!
Save getting upset about school things for something that really matters. It wasn't done well-you could mention it to the teacher in passing, but it hardly merits a note or speaking to the Head. If I was the teacher my reaction would be 'I am having nothing whatsoever to do with DCs party arrangements in the future-they can hand them out in the playground!'

Dolly in my world doing the school run is a luxury . I drop off once a week if I'm lucky. I never pick up and it means that I don't know what are the acceptable norms for lots of things - playdates, party invites etc etc. I rely on the teacher to tell me if I ask herl. I never see her as the one day I drop off I have to leave before the bell goes and she is never in the class until the bell goes. The only time I saw her last term was at parents' evening so I do my requests via phone calls!

I can completely understand why the OP is upset. She has tried to do the right thing and been completely scuppered. I would feel incredibly embarrassed. It is also not as if she regularly sees these parents and can mention something to them about the mistake.

Also I don't see how a child who cannot read the names can hand them out by themselves. Who would help them do it if not the teacher or TA?

I am amazed, it must have been heartbreaking for the children that didn't get invited. My boy with learning difficulties probably wouldn't have been invited and I would be have devastated if that would have happened to him.

The teacher is an IDIOT.

In DS's school they have a rule which I think is fantastic: If you want to invite the whole class then you are welcome to bring the invitation to school, otherwise you need to send them by post or some other way directly to the families so that other children don't get uspet.

Spero - LOL at all the teachers getting on their high horses about you daring to 'involve' the teacher in your trivial issue! [Even though she offered]

Teacher was crass. It doesn't bode well for the rest of her teaching style. Maybe she enjoyed 'punishing' the naughty boys with their lack of invitations?

I don't have school age so no advice but just to agree with you that it was nasty.

DCs get upset and it is the parent's job to help them deal with it! You are not preparing your DC for adult life if they never have to deal with negative feelings and they are shielded and protected from everything. I never got upset when I wasn't invited to a party as a DC -my friends invited me, if they had a party and the rest of the class didn't. It was the norm-there wasn't the expectation that every DC would be invited. Parties were at home, there wasn't the space and there certainly wasn't the money.
The teacher didn't handle it at all well but I don't think that it says anything about her teaching style!

On that basis I suppose I should have told my 5 yr old ds that being a 'failure'(as stated by his ski instructor) was a life lesson that he had better get on and learn . Instead I told him that the instructor was an arse (in child friendly terms) which he was.

People have all sorts of trials and tribulations throughout life and they learn to cope and get over things. If they don't start when young with little disappointments they are knocked sideways when something traumatic comes along and end up doing something silly and self destructuve. It is important to bounce back. The ski instructor was an arse, but lots are-my DS had a similar experience with a kayak instructor aged 6yrs. You help them get over it and move on. The world would be a lovely place if everyone was fair and nurturing, but it isn't and never will be. Some 5 yr olds have far worse to deal with that not being invited to a classmates party, when they were never best buddies in the first place! My DS had a little band of 4 DCs that he played with in reception-he knew the rest but he didn't play with them much and wouldn't have expected to be invited to their parties.

I'm interested that it is perceived as so ridiculous/hilarious to ask the teacher what the policy is on invites - I've very little experience of school personally as my daughter only started in Sep, but I've heard horror stories from other friends about very strict policies of either you invite everyone or no one at all.

Personally, I think inviting everyone is ridiculous but I didn't want to upset anyone by going against the rules.

There have been some useful suggestions here - it never occurred to me that teacher might have forgotten and felt she just had to get it over with, so feel a bit guilty about that. She may not have anticipated that my daughter would be quite so gleeful about the whole process.

but if she hadn't forgotten, if this was a deliberate choice, then I stand by my use of the word 'fucktard' as frankly, it is the only one that satifies me.

and btw, I have also dontated to Haiti and spent two hours reading about which charitable groups/NGOs are doing the best work there, so now, I reward myself with a little talk about 'trivia', disgusting and superficial person that I am.

"I've heard horror stories from other friends about very strict policies of either you invite everyone or no one at all."
Do you mean school policies? Surely not. Schools cannot lay down the law on who should come to whose birthday party - and nor would they want to!

yup. school policies. in writing, which at least means you know where you stand, even if you don't agree with the policy.

I don't see why this is considered odd,surely schools have a duty of care to their children and are entitled to have policies about issues which might be divisive/cause upset etc.

Agree teacher was an idiot but no school has the right to dictate what you do in your homelife.
So if your birthday treat was to take your ds and her friends to the cinema and the school rule was invite everyone - pretty expensive party!
Your party - your rules.
so on that point (asking the teacher) ywbu
but for the rest yanbu

BUT I forgot to add, the only other school children I know are at excessively expensive private schools, so maybe this is a difference between the state/private sector.

Friend of mine has dd at school in Hampstead and there is a party EVERY weekend, sometimes on both Sats and Sundays and EVERY child is invited, but their parents can easily afford this.

I don't believe you, Spero. Are you seriously telling me that you think school policies exist which ban birthday parties IN CHILDREN'S OWN HOMES because schools have a duty of care to children?

You are barking.

Cross posts. Both you AND the 'excessively expensive private schools' are bonkers.

School policy as regards children´s parties?

No school policies round here, but the teachers will stick stuff into book bags - since they go through home-school books at some stage in the day to check for messages / stick in any mass messages to go home, etc, they find the easiest and least disruptive thing is to put invitations in at the same time. Not that this prevents the children knowing almost instantly who has and has not been invited to something, but at least it's not quite so public.

It´s harsh to leave some out?
Oh for goodness sake, no wonder parents feel pressured into inviting everyone!

Isn´t it also harsh for a child to be forced to have children they don´t like at a party?

I don't agree with the way the teacher did it, but am amazed schools think they can have policies regarding what goes on in peoples homes. I would definetely hand out invites to some and not others according to budget, space and friendships. That's like saying either you have your bully at the party or none of your school friends can come. Anyone abiding by that rule is a twat IMO!
OP the children will be OK with it in a day or two, there will be other parties they can go to, so don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault. I understand teachers have time restraints but there was a lack of common sense in this situation

' but I've heard horror stories from other friends about very strict policies of either you invite everyone or no one at all.

A school can't have a policy on this-it is out of school time and nothing to do with them! There is no way I would stick to it-I would have a few DCs of my DC's choice-not be emotionally blackmailed into having a party that we don't want-and can't afford. I equally don't see why my DC can't choose a few friends so I would give the invitation out of school and there is nothing they can do-policy or no policy!

'Age 5 it is a bit harsh to leave some kids out IMO '

Rubbish-they aren't being left out. People seem to pretend that a 5 yr old doesn't have friends and they have to like everyone equally. Some DCs they play with all the time and some are merely in the same room.

It is a modern thing-luckily when mine were small people didn't have whole class parties! At 5 mine had a traditional party at home and they simply wouldn't have fitted in the room! I see no need to hire a hall or go somewhere when they are so young.

Our school has a policy on bullying, racism, complaints and a number of other things.

It does not have one on children's parties tho

Why would it? What an idea! I don't think they school can get involved in this issue unless teachers are organising the parties tbh (seems unlikely, that)

(Oh I see that it is an expensive private school. It's still bananas tho)

I would be most infuriated if any teacher tried to tell me that I had to invite all the children in the class, or all the girls, to DD's party. There are at least 2 girls who will never again be darkening the door of any party I host.

Haven't read the whole thread so I may be repeating .... but our school asks that all invites etc. are posted to avoid this kind of situation. Having said that, I don't think either ds1 or ds2 would be gutted if not invited to every single party, unless of course they were the only ones excluded!