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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry at the rejction letter my friend got?

150 replies

KayloHalo · 15/01/2010 10:29

My gay friend, a male, recently enquired about becoming a midwife.

He received a letter back saying (i don't it know word for word) unfortunately we would be unable to accept you onto the midwifery course as we currently only accept ladies.

I'm sure there was more to the letter than that but that was the bit that upset him.

I'm probably biased but I think he would be a great midwife - midhusband? - because he has a great bedisde manner - he's hillarious when you need a boost/cheering up but he's sooo serious about his career.

I just find it so unfair that he's been rejected because of his gender. He almost more female than I am ffs!!

I know there are male midwives out there - where does he go from here?

OP posts:

Lomond · 15/01/2010 13:37

So unfair and doesn't sound legal to me. He should take this further.

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 13:37

GibbonInARibbon · 15/01/2010 13:38

Pay no attention to Hully. She'd love it.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 15/01/2010 13:41

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 13:46

Gibbon! Get thee to Cairo.

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2010 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 15/01/2010 16:53

oooooh would not mind a hunky male gyne imo or a midwife. Midwifes btw are trained to deliver babies and look after pregnant women before and after the birth, and in that process come in contact with womens bits, its not soley working with womens bits per se

carocaro · 15/01/2010 17:06

I had a male midwife at St Georges Hospital in London when I had DS1 in April 2002, in fact a couple of weeks later he was featured in the careers section of the Evening Standard, I've kept it for him.

He was great, I was asked if I minded a man, I met him and he was obviously gay and this made me say yes. Weird but true, I would not have liked a straight male midwife.

I did have a moment of funny ha ha oddness, he was checking my dialation and I had a contraction and sort of clenched his hand with my down below muscles, he just said quite calmly it would be better to leave his hand there until the contraction finished as it might hurt if he were to take it out.
A man I'd only know a few hours with his hand up my foo-foo for a minute of two!

EccentricaGallumbits · 15/01/2010 17:13

There are 92 male midwives currently registered in the UK.

Is it not really weird to object to a midwife on the grounds that they are male, and vitually no one would question the gender of a Dr, if one was called in to help?

EccentricaGallumbits · 15/01/2010 17:15

It is also illegal to be rejected on the grounds of gender.

Maybe he was just rejected and he wants something to blame rather than unsuitability? Have you seen the letter?

lal123 · 15/01/2010 17:20

eh Hully???? Are you equally as suspicious of people who want to be paediatricians? Are you worried about lesbian midwives/gynaecologists??? AS far as I know male midwives don't become midwives so that they can have a good look at your bits!!!!

Hullygully · 15/01/2010 17:21

oh yes they do.

Original poster

KayloHalo · 15/01/2010 18:02

EccentricaGallumbits No I haven't seen the letter but he (my friend) said the letter explained they were only accepting ladies onto to the course.
He didn't explain further tho - from reading these threads I guess it's possible the course already had it's quota of male applicants.

I don't know - I've calmed down a bit now and thinking a little more rationally. I was just really angry cos I initially thought 'how dare they reject him cos he's male'

Thank you all so much for the replies!!

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 15/01/2010 18:07

" I really only mentioned it so you all the info, discrimination runs deeper than gender. I thought it was relvant at the time."

So you think he has been turned down because he is gay? Did he mention that in his letter as how else would they know?

GibbonInARibbon · 15/01/2010 19:13

My friend had a male midwife check her over on one of her postnatal visits, she did say she felt a bit weird taking into her bedroom and spreading her legs.

Apparently he was very gentle and had a goatee beard.

(I know, I know 'spreading 'em a tad uncouth but essentially that's what she did)

muminthecity · 15/01/2010 19:32

I had a male midwife four years ago at the Chelsea and Westminster. His name was Raphael I believe and he was wonderful. The female midwives and nurses on the postnatal ward on the other hand, were awful. I still shudder when I think of my short stay there.

InStyle · 15/01/2010 19:34

A male consultant stepping in when extra assistance is needed is TOTALLY different from the role of a midwife who is there to support the labouring woman. If you are uneasy with the idea of a man in that role, checking your cervix etc you are entitled to feel that way. For some women it feels like a violation, especially if she's a bit prudish or inexperienced sexually. I know a lot of you will say that's bollocks but if a woman feels that way, then she will only tense up and her delivery will be prolonged.

The famous midwife Ina May Gaskin is convinced that men (even gay ones) are not a helpful presence in the labour room. That it is an activity best suited to women.

Of course I know a lot of female midwives can be absolute bitches and you'd far rather a nice man than a horrible woman in there with you, but the ideal is surely a sympathetic, caring woman.

It could be considered a tad unfair for a man to put himself into that profession knowing he will be making a lot of women uneasy - just because he really wants to do it.

It's not sexism - it's hardly the same as not wanting a woman to do your MOT or fix your boiler. It's a very delicate, sensitive time in your life when you are entitled to your prejudices.

Glitterknickaz · 15/01/2010 19:46

oh sorry - I only commented on the male mw I know as he's similar to the guy referred to in the op....

fwiw I wouldn't really care what sex or sexual orientation my mw was, just that they cared and were good at their job...

Pozzled · 15/01/2010 19:53

INSTyle- I honestly wouldn't have cared whether my mw was male or female, personality is far more important. The ideal is a sympathetic caring PERSON, full stop.

JaneS · 15/01/2010 19:57

If this is for real, it's illegal. Not a tricky case.

slightlystressed · 15/01/2010 19:57

Dont think I'd mind a male midwife actually delivering, but would feel uncomfortable about a male midwife doing a sweep, I dont know why.

A male obstrician (sorry about spelling) came in the room while I had DS1, I looked up and there he was, legs in stirrups looking lush I had about 2 seconds of thinking "oooohh its a man" then just got back to the job in hand.
They are used to it, its nothing to them.
ALthough if I have to book a Drs appointment about me bits I will ask for a female Dr if possible.

InStyle · 15/01/2010 20:10

Pozzled it's great that you feel that way. But some women don't. They're entitled to their opinion too. It's not fair for you to say that the ideal is a sympathetic person, full stop. You mean for you. I'm just saying that for others the ideal is a sympathetic woman. Is that not ok for me to say?

Personally, I would be really embarrassed to have a male doctor do a smear or a sweep etc. And wouldn't like the idea of a male midwife one little bit. But in an emergency, obviously I wouldn't care who was there to help me out - that goes without saying!

Isn't this just an issue of personal preference? I'd hate to see a situation emerge where women were forced to have male midwives just to be PC.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 15/01/2010 20:11

I wouldn't have cared if my midwife were a trained monkey, so long as they'd stayed with me, held my hand, and made supportive noises!

TheCrackFox · 15/01/2010 20:13

I wouldn't mind in the hospital but TBH I wouldn't be impressed with a male midwife doing the follow up checks at home.

scottishmummy · 15/01/2010 20:26

not sure about this!its fishy midwife applications go through UCAS.not individual hospital.you wouldn't normally receive such correspondence as they don t actually select or interview candidates .nor do they have ability to comment on gender or suitability

courses dont have gender bias-illegal
or quotas of male/ female- illegal

have you seen the letter?did it genuinely state "only ladies".that is erroneous gender isnt a barrier to midwife education

think this is a wind up

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