to get depressed by the invasive Breast is Best campaign?

[TottWriter]

I have Epilepsy, and the medication I take means I can't breastfeed. I've been told by my consultant and the Epilepsy nurse and my GP that the medication could pass into my breast milk and make it unsafe for my baby to drink. I breastfed my DS for a few days so he got the colostrum (the medication was passed to him through the placenta anyway), but after that, weaned him onto the bottle (with considerable tears).

I had really looked forward to breastfeeding, and when I was told my milk would be contaminated by my meds, I felt awful, and moped over it for months. I felt a failure, because I couldn't even give it a go and see if I physically could do it.

In that time, it didn't help that everywhere I went, there seemed to be a 'Breast is Best' leaflet, article, advert or other related campagn material. In addition ot hte big leaflet that the midwife gave me, there are articles in every baby book and magazine in creation, and posters all over the Ante-Natal unit. It's so pervasive that I ended up feeling like a complete failure, that I was just letting my son down and giving him inferior food. Even Sainsburys and Boots penalise women who don't breastfeed, by not counting formula milk in bonus or double points offers until you get to the toddler milk.

I'm currently 13wks, and the whole mess is rearing its head again. This time around, I am comforted by the fact that my DS is an absolutely thriving toddler; smart, active, friendly, everything but a reliable sleeper. But still, I'm beginning to get a resurgance of my old feelings of guilt and failure. I have no problems at all with the campaign's message, or the fact that it does need to be promoted to stop the nonsense of women who just can't be bothered or don't want to spoil their appearance, or breastfeed in public. What gets me down is simply that at every stage of my pregnancy, I'm confronted with paper and people telling me the one thing I cannot do is the one thing that everyone should.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel so depressed? Is it unreasonable that at times I really resent the campaign for being in my face so much?

YANBU. I sometimes wonder if the way that the 'breast is best' message is put across is offputting to some people - to me it came across as quite bossy and patronising.

Yeah, I'm completely in agreement with the message of the campaign (and irritated that there are so many women out there who just don't for no good reason when I can't and would love to), I just get overwhelmed with its intensity, and at my most grouchy actively resent how in your face it is. I think part of the problem with it is that the people who adamantly won't do it won't be swayed, and the people who legitimately can't sometimes end up feeling like bad people for using formula. The first few times we bought tins of formula milk I felt like everyone must be staring at me in disapproval, an impression not helped by a few self-righteous people who get carried away going on about how every woman can breastfeed. Some people just can't do it, and I guess I do resent feeling that I have to actively defend myself when I mention that I used formula milk.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Poor you. Not unreasonable in your case at all, but for the majority it is great that women are being encouraged to breastfeed.

Please try to see the bigger picture.

The breast is best (and hey, it is! ) message is not really everywhere, it's just that you are so sensitive to it right now. It's like when you get a new car and suddenly you see that car everywhere you go

Sainsbury's and Boots are not penalising non breastfeeders, there are laws which prevent them offering any kind of discount or promotions on infant formula.

I hope your pregnancy goes well.

You poor thing - and while I sympathise totally with you, I think that it is probably less "in your face" than you are finding it. I say this because when something happened to me, afterwards all around me there were things relating to it, it seemed that every paper/magazine had an article on it, posters everywhere, that kind of thing. It probably wasn't any worse than it had been before, but I was much more sensitive to it and therefore noticed it more.

So, while YANBU to be upset about your own circumstance, I think perhaps YAB a tiny bit U about the campaign (although not about the self-righteous/insensitive types!)

I do think, all things being equal, Breast is Best.
However, everyones circumstances are different. Yours were not conducive to bfing. Other people may find it exacerbates PND, they may have other small kids, medical issues. In these cases FF is best, so you did do what is best for your child.
Congrats on your pg, you sound like a lovely mum who wants, and provides the best for her children.

mrsjammi I'm quite surprised that your family find it not normal to keep breastfeeding that long! What do they think children did before we had pasteurised cows milk available across the country!

I'm more surprised though that people commented after just six months. You can only just start weaning then, why would you stop breasfeeding?

I guess that's the side of things I won't have to worry about facing at least. My mum tried to breasfeed me but couldn't producethe milk (probably because she was very ill post birth) so her experience was all bottle-feeding, and she's sold on the conveneince of it. I don't think she even attempted breastfeeding my brother or sister

And I do agree that you're right about the campaign not really working. There would have been some evidence of an increase by now. Surely it's time to start sounding out more effective strategies?

Also, hambler I didn't realise that the law covered things that throughly! I guess I'm less irritated at the shops now, and more frustrated that exceptions like me can't have exceptions

DH was getting quite anxious that I was still bfing DS at 23m - he didn't want him to be still bfing when he was at school. (not that the two are linked anywhere apart from in DH's mind). My mum probably would have had a fit about it too (sadly she died while I was still pg so I'll never know) - she only managed 3 d with me before I made her bleed and she gave up; she didn't even start with the other 2. My sis refused to even contemplate it - said the thought of it made her feel queasy. I am definitely an oddity in my family, but less so among my friends, most of whom bf where possible, all over 6m but variable after that.

Tottwriter there are still a lot of people who don't see bf'ing as the best way fwd - it ties the mother to doing most of the feeding (and therefore night) work, lots of women have/want to go back to work asap so don't continue bf'ing past that stage as expressing at work can be rather hard for some. There are so many reasons why (not counting the physical difficulties) bfing is not started/taken further than 6w, that the campaign has troubles because it can't seem to address all these factors. My mum was one of the type of person that, if something didn't fit her circumstances exactly, she would ignore it. I'm sure there are a lot of people like her out there.

I am sorry that you could not breastfeed as it was obviously important to you. It is great that your DD got the colostrum though and you should feel proud of that. I do prefer the line "Every breastfeed makes a difference" to "Breast is best" - in some cases it isn't, yours for example. I am also cross at the NHS/Government for using such an emotive strapline to "promote" breastfeeding without offering the support needed to make it happen for a lot of women. (And if you look at the statistics it seems we don't need to persuade any more mums to try but to support those who do want to as the overwhelming majority start but stop earlier than they want to)

DS I mean, sorry

I would agree with Riven. And I also think it is way over the top.

I thought it was over the top even before my milk never came in and I couldn't breast feed and I was going to breast feed. From the moment you conceive everyone is pushing you to breast feed. It wouldn't surprise me if that's why a lot of women don't breast feed, because it is shoved in their faces so much.

Kind of like when I was a smoker and every anti-smoking sign made me light another one.

I think the important thing is support for the mum which ever way they choose to feed their baby. That's what is really lacking.

It's easy to feel, with the breastfeeding message, that everyone breastfeeds and you are a failure for letting down the side.

The truth is that hardly anyone breastfeeds. The numbers are tiny for those still going at 6 months and so many people give up in the early days/weeks.

It's a shame that women must feel like this, guilty about bottle feeding and shameful about breastfeeding, against each other all the time about feeding decisions. It's ridiculous that women can be mande to feel inadequate for bottle feeding and called at in public for breastfeeding.

Completely agree with you OP.

I was told my my consultant that I would find it physically too demanding to bf and that I would have to stop all my meds if I wanted to bf (I have M.S)

I still wanted to do it. With dd1 I managed two weeks. I was exhausted and dd was not a good feeder. I cried on the bathroom floor while Dh gave her a bottle.

Tried again with dd2, managed about same amount but this time it was mixed feeding. I had a transfusion after the birth which made me even more fatigued.

The difference the 2nd time was that I felt a lot less guilt about the situation.

I am 11 wks with dc3 now and will take it as it comes. I will try but I won't let it ruin the first few weeks of my newborn's time with me.

The difference with me is that I have to stop meds 3 months before ttc then stay off them until I finish bf ing so it is a bit more flexible.

I do feel the breastfeeding campaign does little to convince people who never intended to do it and instead makes others feel they've failed. They would do better to educate women pre birth about the reality of bf ing (I had no idea you had to learn how to do it and it took a while to establish)and offer them help and support after birth and for the first few months.

ps Riven welcome back. Hatwoman put a 'shout out' for you on another thread. Think it's in general health.

but the messages are not aimed at you TottWriter (or riven, or gya). You know all this stuff. they're not aimed at people like my friend who bf for 2 weeks and stopped in tears with bits missing from her nipples. They are aimed at a huge number of people who could bf (i.e no meds etc) and don't because it was just assumed they would bottle feed / their mum or sister didn't do it. They are also aimed at the unsupportive partners/mums/mils/wider family.
I'm sorry that the posters upset you, and i can see why, but they shouldn't be taken as a beratement.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is difficult for you when your own feelings about something create a visceral reaction to things around you. It's certainly not unreasonable for you to feel disappointed and angry. I had a traumatic delivery and em cs and for 2 and a half years I've seen literature everywhere about natural birth, bonding, the evil too posh to push line, the effect of cs on future ability to handle trauma etc. I see it and hear it because I'm so open to it and each time I see it, the feelings of failure resurface. I know rationally that it is my own experience that informs this and the promotion of and information about natural deliveries is only a good thing but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

I am an extended bfer and encountered raised eyebrows and pointed comments about even exclusively feeding to 6 months. This country has a long way to go to increase bfing rates and to normalise it. I have been tutted at and told that bfing should happen in a toilet or in the privacy of my own home. There's such a long way to go.

In terms of not receiving points etc on formula, please try and see it not as being penalised for formula feeding but not being rewarded for it. Rightly, formula feeding cannot be incentivised.

I am so sorry for you. I think it will get easier in time. Because realistically how your child is fed in the first months of his/her life is only one part of parenting and one that isn't in your control. All of the things that are yours to control, I am sure you can feel rightly proud of and happy about and it is all those wonderful things that you do that will make your ds and this new baby the unique and lovely human beings they are. Giving them the best start in life isn't just about where their milk comes from, it's so much more than that.

Have you talked to your midwife about how you feel? There is support there to avoid the feelings of guilt and depression.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I completely agree with you OP. I think it depends where you live etc but where am everyone I knew when pregnant wanted to breastfeed and most did.

I actually didn't want to beyond 3 months as had to go back to work at 4 months (I have a job where I have a lot of exec level meetings so leaking etc not an option plus am single so not going back not an option - look at me justifying myself due to this campaign!). Anyway, my colustrum stopped after one day - literally nothing there. Had to formula feed while still in hospital. Felt dreadful. Hospital had bf supporter who was not happy etc and I felt like a complete failure (admittedly only for about two days).

I am surprised that bf levels are so low - I thought they'd be really high based on what I've seen.

So, I agree that the message is handled badly and is not sensitive at all. I think Riven is right.

I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are doing the best for your DC.

TottWriter for you.
And it is stuff like this that makes me wish the NHS would spend less money on spouting the "breast is best" message and putting it into supporting mothers who can and want to breastfeed.

There is also not that much research out there to help doctors feel that the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh any possible detrimental effects on the baby of such potent drugs as your epilepsy meds.

Please don't feel guilty. You acted correctly on medical advice not to bf your baby, and as you say your DS is thriving, happy toddler.

Don't let this distract you from enjoying your pregnancy.

"Hospital had bf supporter who was not happy etc "
the poor love
I'm really sorry about people who have had bad experiences, i hope my post didn't seem unsupportive.

you anbu, of course not, (and it's so sad that you feel bad about it) but as Stealth says, these slogans aren't aimed at you, or at Riv, but at the millions and millions of women who will not be convinced even to try (when they have no reason whatsoever not to)

I also agree that the campaign is perhaps not as invasive as it seems to you, because of course, as someone who would dearly love to be able to bf, it hits you hard every time you see it. If it truly were that invasive though, I think UK bf rates among those who could if they wanted to, would be considerably higher than they are. (I suppose it's similar to someone who cannot conceive seeing pregnat women/loads of kids everywhere...)

I don't know what the answers are as to the validity/success/sensibility of the campaigns. They certainly don't seem to be working in terms of upping numbers. When I saw a consultant in the UK during my pregnancy not one of the women waiting with me had any intention of bfing (me included!) and as we were sitting in a line facing a "breast is best" poster, there was a lot of criticism going on about it being "pushed down your throat" etc.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and remember in 15 yrs time, no-one will point at your child in the street and say "ooooh there goes one who was formula fed". (at least they never have done to me )

tbh stealth you feel guilty for not bf ing and it is irrational and not really dependent on whether you can/can't physically continue.

Those who don't feel the 'guilt' the campaign doesn't work on anyway.

I think it was chegirl who suggested on another thread about a campaign with celebrity endorsement esp younger celeb mums bf ing I think something like that would help.

It's one of those things that have to be sensitively handled.

On the one hand, we all know of medical professionals who have got it wrong, and made women under their care feel really uncomfortable.

On the other hand, it would be hard to ban all posters aimed at encouraging a healthy lifestyle in the general public, just because this is beyond a certain percentage of the population.

My dd has a medical condition which means she cannot walk very far and must pace herself really carefully. If she overdoes it, she will end up in a wheelchair. So naturally all posters talking about the importance of young people keeping active and exercising have the potential to make her feel a failure. At the same time, she really cannot expect all campaigns for healthy and active living to stop to spare her sensibilities. There is too much at stake.

I think where she has to draw the line (and that goes for me too, as a somewhat failed breastfeeder) is either at any insensitive campaigning aimed at her personally or at any discrimination or undue rewarding of people who are "with the programme".

Same with school attendance- another hurtful one for dd. Again, what is bad for her is good for the majority of the population. So again, I think reasonably worded advertising is fine, as long as she is not actively singled out or discriminated against. Of course she hates seeing the attendance posters that the council puts up everywhere. But they are only posters- you can avert your eyes.

no i know that, and i'm sorry, guilt isn't rational.