To say no, not again to MIL's care home

[Flower3554]

MIL has been in a care home since October last year. She has dementia, has no recollection of who anyone is anymore, it's so sad.

Anyway, since she was admitted they have mislaid her clothes on numerous occasions despite me putting name tags in everything after the second time they said we cant find any of her clothes.

In November in answer to another request from them I took over a bulging carrier bag of toiletries, faceclothes sponges, bubble bath shampoo, you name it, it was included.

At Christmas our family bought her gift sets of bath stuff and clothes.

Phone call today tells me she has no clothes again oh and by the way she has no toiletries.

Now unless they are bathing her a dozen times a day there's no way they could have gone through all the Christmas stuff.

She has a basic state pension which pays for the home and a personal allowance of £22 pounds weekly. This is supposed to cover all clothes toiletries hair appointments in the care home etc etc.

Dh lost his job just before Christmas and we are struggling ourselves financially so AIBU to say sorry no more

Lucyellensmumagain am so sorry to read your story it made me cry .It is unforgiveable that vulnerable people are being treated this way it is criminal.I am glad to hear you managed to get him moved to a better home.
As someone else posted you would not get away with treating children this way.
Please try and keep talking about this topic to keep it bumped up .
Any ideas what we as mumsnetters can do to raise standards in care homes ?Are there any campaigns we can join?

Thats the thing isnt it kerstina, when the bar is so low for standards of care it is very difficult to actually find decent care. If this was a hotel people would vote with their feet and not return, but we had no choice, my mum could no longer cope and there were no alternatives. I will never ever forgive myself for not having my father home that christmas day - i have to live with that. We battled with Social services, we got our local MP involved and the Care Ombudsman (sp). They made some recommendations about standards at the home my father was at, but too late for my dad to benefit - luckily the next home he went to was so much better. It restored my faith in humanity.

Maybe with an election looming this issue should be something raised with MPs. I think people tend to have a heads in sand attitude towards it, because it is so horrible to think that our parents will become so vulnerable. The elderly simply do not have a voice

As mumtotwoteenage boys so rightly puts out, most carers are caring people, but even those are battling with understaffing, limited resources and ridiculous beurecracy (im giving up on my spelling).

What greives me is that the standard of care varies so widely and that many care homes are run by people wanting to make money - i was and to see that duncan ballantyne of the dragons den had a string of care homes - it just made me think that, is that what our old people have become, a source of money to the well off?

Its shameful, in other countries the elders in the community are honoured, here, they are forgotten about.

My father worked every day of his adult life and never claimed a day of benefit. He actually lived into a council house, so he would have paid for his house ten times over in rent, again putting money back into the system. He did national service with pride and this is how he was repaid. If he owned his own house, then like so many of the other people, he would have had to sell his house to fund his "care".

My father deteriorated within weeks of entering that "care" home, he became someone i didn't know - he didnt even recognise me - now i know that was his illness, but the lack of care he got accelerated it. He used to cry like a child when i left him there, and it made it all the worse because i knew i was leaving him somewhere i wasn't happy with and could do nothing about it.

Hi

I think you should speak to the manager and clearly state that your unhappy and if it continues you will take it further.

It is fine to support the underpaid, underqualified staff but what about your poor MIL?

My GIL went into a home and was treated abysmally and there is only so much can be accepted under the guise of understaffing. It isn't being unreasonalbe to expect some respect for your MIl and Im certain if things disappeared as quickly in a hotel were people are also underpaid people would be much quicker to complain.

The state of care homes is awful and to expect a level of care and respect for your MIL and her belongings is not unreasonable at all.

Flower - I'm so pleased that all the things were found, your poor DH .

My own grandma was in a residential home for several years before she died. She had been left fairly well off by my grandad and the home she was in was the best in the area - my Mum is a GP locally so knew what went on inside lots of places.
Even there where the staffing levels were good things went missing and got mixed up. My Mum used to go in twice a week at least and always had to hunt down various bits of clothing that had got lost.

LEM - that is so awful about your Dad . I am pleased that he ended he life somewhere where they cared for him and gave him dignity.

I work in a Care Home, as a Domestic and I can honestly say that what Mumof2teenboys says is true of where I work too.
It can be hard to keep track of clothes when you have residents who put things down, pick things up, hide stuff and often it's not labelled, and the same with toiletries, handbags and the like.
My cardigan went walkabout the other day and I found it on our lovely 99 yr old and it took some coaxing to get it back!

No one is forced to get up, or bathed/washed/changed because it's not allowed. They can sometimes be gently persuaded but if they say no, it's no, and yes they may smell, but nothing can be done unless they allow it.

We allow our residents to eat in the lounge, dining room or their rooms, and they will be served food whenever they want.

We have an activities co-ordinator who works 5 days with an activity on each day, plus one big thing a month. This month it's an Australia Day party. I've just dug out some stuff for it as I lived there for two years.
We have a church service monthly, the library woman visits monthly, the local CM group bring children up which our residents love, we have a therapy dog in weekly, and the hairdresser. (who drives the laundry assistant mad with her excessive use of towels!).
Families can visit whenever they like, and can come in for meals, residents are taken out by the home, not just the family-one of our residents gets taken to the pub and bookies fortnightly.
My boss, the housekeeper has the week off, but went to the hospital yesterday to take a resident her teeth!

It isn't perfect, you can only do so much and you can't watch everyone all the time, so yes, things do go missing, people fall and get hurt, but legislation says you have to let them wander if they wish, but it is a very caring home filled with a lot of fun and laughter.

Of course tomorrow I'll be cursing when I find poo squashed behind a pipe, or a drawer full of piss but when it comes down to it, I enjoy working there, even for minimum wage (though we just got a 10p an hour pay rise, woo hoo) and do what I can to keep our residents happy as do all the other staff.

I think that mugglewump has said what I wanted to (but so much better than me!)

The current thinking is that care homes are homes first, the residents are not patients because it is their home. If they want to spend the day in bed, in their nightclothes or in the lounge staring at the TV, then that is what they will do.

Most care homes are full of very vulnerable people who need 24 hour support. Of course there are times when things go missing or don't happen exactly as they should, but show me any workplace where things are 100 percent perfect.

Carers do the best they can under quite tight restraints, there is always budgets to adhere to, and no that is not the way things should be run.

We take our residents to the pub every week, they go out to lunch once a week, the hairdresser comes once a week. We have music groups who come in, there is a keep-fit guy who comes once a month, we celebrate christmas, easter, valentines day, mothers day, fathers day etc. We go to the shops to buy little bits with the residents.

The more capable residents help with folding laundry, preparing veggies for meals, laying the tables for lunch, basically any household chores that they wish to do.

There are always going to be 'bad' care homes but there are plenty of gudielines in place for people to complain, if people don't complain, then the authorities don't know that there are concerns. The standards commission only go in a couple of times a year to do inspections, this isn't often enough. Residents families need to query why mum is in her nightie/ in bed/ in dirty clothes. If you don't challenge the things you aren't happy with nothing will change.

Speak up, check clothes/drawers/wardrobes. Ask questions, demand answers. Make yourself known to the team leaders, then the deputy manager, then the manager. If you don't get satisfactory expalnations, go to the owner of the home. Ask for the contact address of the Care Commission, although this should be displayed in the entrance of the home.

There will not be the change which is needed unless people speak up, if you don't demand change, then how do the authorities know it is needed?

flower3554, I don't know if its any good to you but do you need any more clothes for your MIL? my mum is 82 so wears "older" styles! she has lots of stuff, just let me know if I can try to get you anything

Just looked up this thread again, I thought it had finished

It has been over a week now and I presume the sw is back from leave as is her manager but none of them have bothered to phone us.

When we have phoned we've been asked to leave a message and "someone will get back to you soon" as yet that hasn't happened.

We have received an invitation to a review of her care next month and we will be attending that if only to have a chat to the sw

ssd that is extremely kind of you, could you CAT me please.

my mum has dementia too. we noticed that stuff at home have gone missing but couldn't figure out what happened.

one day, found my mum happily throwing things down the rubbish chute.

My Mum was a senior nurse in an EMi unit they had old ladies with dementia that believed people were stealing everything that belonged to them. They came wearing all their clothes - several outfits - which they thought would be lost if they left them.

My mother also inspected care homes and was involved in the procedures to close them down. She's already chosen the home she wants to go into if she develops dementia.

I discussed this thread with her and she said it saddened her but very little surprised her, the governemtn does try to control the standard of private care homes but don't spend enough money on the elderly AT ALL. Some of these people fought in two or more wars, worked for upto fifty years - paing tax to be treated like second class citizens its disgusting.

Perhaps a political party will pick the elderly as a place to pledge. Then do nothing because they really couldn't care less.

flower, sorry, don't know how to CAT

what size/height is your MIL? hope I can help you out

ssd thank you. MIL is size 8-10 and about 5-3 5-4 in height.
My email is
[email protected] if thats better for you.

oh, I was hoping you wouldn't say a small size! my mums clothes are a size 18-20, they'd swamp your MIL (and she's less than 5 foot!)!!

what a shame!

how are things going at her care home, do you feel anything has improved yet?

actually, now I think of it, before the kids I was a lot smaller and I still have some stuff at mums (waiting for me to lose 2 stones!!). I'll have a look and let you know if any of my pre kids clothes might do your MIL, I think a lot of it is "office-y" stuff, but I'll double check next time I'm out there

A couple of years ago and they'd have fitted her perfectly ssd, sadly the onset of dementia affected her appetite as well as taking care of herself and she has lost loads of weight.

It seems to be going well apart from no sort of explanation, or apology from the sw.

MIL seems perfectly content in her own little world. She is doubly incontinent now which is hard on clothes but seems otherwise well.

Thanks again for your kindness ssd, I really appreciate it.

Glad to hear your mil's stuff has been found, Flower.

It's possible that the social worker has been advised not to contact you personally if you've made a formal complaint against her, I think. No such excuse for her manager, though.

I have found this a very moving thread, despite (perhaps because of?) the heightened emotions leading to occasional skirmishes. There are some excellent posts.

no problem flower!

my mum is 82 and MIL is nearly 80, also with th onset of dementia.

I know it isn't easy, you have my sympathies.

Has your dh had any chance of an interview yet, is there anything out there job wise for him? I hope things start to improve soon

just a thought, have you tried any charity shops for things for your MIL? I sometimes get my mum the odd thing in them, and myself! I've noticed the bigger sizes and the smaller sizes seem to be easier to get than my size 14. hope you don't mind me suggesting this, sometimes you can get a great bargain if you're lucky.

Thank you Skegness.

ssd, Dh still looking, I think the recent bad weather hasn't helped, not many employers taking on in his line as far as I can tell. He's a steel worker BTW

I got MIL a couple of things before Christmas from The British Heart shop, so charity shops are a definate option. Our local one seems to be the other way though, loads of larger sizes but not much in the petites.