To say no, not again to MIL's care home

[Flower3554]

MIL has been in a care home since October last year. She has dementia, has no recollection of who anyone is anymore, it's so sad.

Anyway, since she was admitted they have mislaid her clothes on numerous occasions despite me putting name tags in everything after the second time they said we cant find any of her clothes.

In November in answer to another request from them I took over a bulging carrier bag of toiletries, faceclothes sponges, bubble bath shampoo, you name it, it was included.

At Christmas our family bought her gift sets of bath stuff and clothes.

Phone call today tells me she has no clothes again oh and by the way she has no toiletries.

Now unless they are bathing her a dozen times a day there's no way they could have gone through all the Christmas stuff.

She has a basic state pension which pays for the home and a personal allowance of £22 pounds weekly. This is supposed to cover all clothes toiletries hair appointments in the care home etc etc.

Dh lost his job just before Christmas and we are struggling ourselves financially so AIBU to say sorry no more

No fight, dont see the need of violence personally.

I think if your going to make a bold claim, then at least back it up.

your life, WTF, you make a comment on a public website, so if you dont want people to comment on your comment then dont post it!

expecially a bold one at that.

simples!

LMH you're coming on a bit strong, Fab has said that her experience with SWs has not been positive. Yours has.

Is it not possible that there are good and bad SWs? Is it not possible that some teams enforce consequences for mistakes and others try to brush them under the carpet?

Of course she has a right not to go into detail, just as you have a right not to answer her question about exactly what job it is you do and where.

Not getting involved here

I just wanted to thank you Fab for your very kind offer of clothes etc for MIL, it was very much appreciated

Flower, I'm glad the things were all still there and that it was just a misunderstanding, but please make sure that the carehome understand you will take no more of this nonsense and will be keeping a close eye on MIL's belongings in future.

at LMH's ... is this coming from another thread??? otherwise I don't understand...

Can I just say that I have not heard the term "starting on someone" since school, ooh it takes me back

anyway, to the main issue here, I'm glad you are getting to the bottom of things here Flower. Just wanted to say, it seems to me that the main problem is the care home, who had a worker who bizarrely did not know where your MILs clothes and toiletries were.

The SW was passing on info - yes she should have checked, but imo she was doing her job more than the care home staff member; her job is to visit, and assess, and pass on info to the family if necessary, all of which she did. The fact that it was wrong info is not her fault, though yes she could have checked it.

the care home staff should be using the clothes/toiletries daily, so not knowing was by far the bigger problem imo. I would be ranting at the home, and simply raising an issue with adult services re the SW, rather than going big in that direction. Personally.

Good luck anyway it sounds as if it has been a worrying time.

That's terrible. Even if she is somehow mislaying these things herself (though the mind boggles at how!), they should be looking after her. When my gran was dying (brain cancer, but her memory went completely awol too), we were told over and again how important it was to keep her surroundings as similar as possible to what she'd always known - in the hope that she might recognize things subconsciously and be comforted. We found this was so right: we'd thought she was completely out of it, but once we found her a nightie identical to the ones she'd had pre-hospice, she calmed right down. And she was totally incommunicado by that point.

Sorry, rambling - but what I'm trying to say is, I think there's a real problem if the home don't recognize the importance of your mil having her own things - let alone the importance of not having them stolen!

Maybe the MIL remarked that her things were all missing and she was wearing dead people's clothes, or something of that nature (would not be unusual for someone with dementia to say something like this) and instead of checking, the sw and the care worker believed her? How knowledgeable are they on dementia? They both should have checked.

Maybe the good thing that will come out of this horror is that your MIL will now get far better attention, since all concerned should understand that you won't put up with any more nonsense from them. Regards to your very DH and I hope he'll feel better.

Just wanted to bump this topic. I hope that things will improve for your MIL it must be upsetting for you. My Aunt has recently been put in a care home so i have been taking more of an interest in care homes generally and watched the programmes made by Gerry Robinson.
While the care homes are only as good as the managers and employers who work there we can also improve the lives of our elderly relatives ourselves by going in as much as we can by stimulating them, helping feed them ect .This is what my uncle has been doing and i think the staff really appreciate this.
Last week my Uncle was really distressed that he could not get to visit my Aunt because of the snowfall when he told the care home they came and picked him up !
We are all going to be old one day so could well end up in a care home i think we all need to take responsibility in trying to improve standards a bit like how schools involve parents with decision making and getting the parents helping out generally.

"It isn't right, but if you were wiping bums, and dribble on the minimum wage, wouldn't you be tempted by a bottle of nice bubble bath, especially if Mrs x won't notice it has gone?"

No. I used to work on minimum wage in a hotel. It would never have occurred to me to steal from anyone. Dishonesty is dishonesty and working on minimum wage does not excuse it in my book.

Oh my lord, just read the social worker update. I'm afraid it doesn't suprise me, my dealings with SWs at work (I'm a police officer) certainly have done nothing to encourage me in their efficiency

oh, i can see this has kicked off so im going to throw my two pennith into the bag and THEN read the other posts.

I only had to see the word "nursing home" and my hackles were up. I had such a horrible experience with this and i have no qualms in saying that it contributed to my nervous breakdown. So i am intrinsically, and very sadly suspisious of SW and people who work in care homes. Now obviously i was unlucky and had a bad time but i had two years of hell thanks to peoples general incompetence and uselessness.

firsly, when my dad developed alzheimers we had a lovely CPN who came round and made all the right noises about getting my mum the help she needed. Nothing really ever came of it, without me having to be like a rotweiller with a bone. Then one weekend, my mum just coudlnt stand anymore - she was ill herself, my poor dad was getting aggressive, she couldnt keep him in the house (he would climb out of windows) so we phoned SS, they bollocked me for waiting til the weekend , and refused to do anything to help - they told us to phone the police and they would then have my father commited. I was Somehow we managed over the weekend.

THEN my dads social worker arrived in the middle of the week. He was a waste of fucking space - my mum had basically gone into herself and couldn't even speak to him - she was on the verge of a breakdown - he said "well, if you can't tell me whats wrong, then i cant help" But I was there, but he insisted on talking to the principal carer. All he wanted from me was to have my father at my house - no pressure then, i was pregnant, with a teenage DD at home who my poor dad had taken to call a slag (this was the illness not him) and i just couldnt do it - but he made me feel like shit for this. I didnt have any room either, a two bedroom house, one child, one on the way, demented father??? um, helllooooooooooo

Anyway, could never get to speak to this person on the phone EVER, just his secretary who was a wet weekend.

Finally we got him a place in a "care" home - if thats what you can call it. I wouldnt have treated a dog the way they treated my dad and the other "service users" - you stop being a person when you are ill, you become a "service user". My fathers evening meal consisted of sandwiches, the same fucking sadnwiches night after night - my mother would take food into him, he would be starving. He was filthy - i lost count of how many times they lost his CLEARLY LABELLED clothes. Including a railway jacket that was like acomfort blanket to him.

This is making me feel sick to type all of this.

The workers there were vile vile vile, horrible fucking pikey slags - clearly there for minimum wage because they quite frankly woudlnt have got a job elsewhere - there was ONE nice girl there and she really really tried to make things nice for the residents, bbut all the others ever did was sit in the rest room fucking smoking and talking about their drunken antics the night before. My father would sit in the rest room, i would be heavily pregnant, and not one of those lazy slags would offer me their seat.

Xmas day was the clincher for me, we went after being advised NOT to have dad home for dinner as he would become distressed - to aske if he had eaten his dinner - "no, he wouldnt sit down" no?? REALLY?? no shit, hes got fucking dementia, he alternates between thinking you are trying to kill him and thinking he is 5 years old. Its YOUR FUCKING JOB to encourage him to eat and enjoy his xmas dinner - because when they came round with the christmas tea, he was STARVING again - do you know what it was - im crying now - it was fucking jam sandwiches JAM SANDWICHES FOR CHRISTMAS TEA!!!I could have had my father home for xmas dinner, but those bastards told me not to He didnt have another christmas!!!

My mind is filled with sheer hate and resentment and im sorry but i dont want to listen to SW moan about their fucking work load, i don't care, if you cant cope, get a job where you fucking well can.

Anyway, we complained, the social workers did NOTHING NOTHING to help us, they were worse than useless. Because we complained, my father was served 30 days notice to quit, we had a month to get him another home - but they put every fucking obstacle in our way. WE had to find a home, we did - but SW refused to fund it for reasons they woudlnt disclose. We managed to find him somewhere and the people couldnt have been different. Such loving and caring folk, the carers would often stay beyond their shifts to read with the patients and just generally try and improve their quality of life. It smelt lovely in there, not of piss, they had a cat for the clients to cuddle and always had time for the relations concerns. I couldnt praise them highly enough - sadly, my dad was only there a few months before he became will with lung cancer and died.

I still see the people from the original home around the town and it is all i can do not to spit in their faces. They took my fathers last year of his life and made it a living hell.

Now, come back at me and tell me to have sympathy for those working for a minimum wage and with a high work load - i dare you.

Well, thats this thread well and truly slain!

I have worked in care homes for the last 15 years, about 10 years ago I chose to specialise in dementia homes.

I am lucky in that the home I work in pays considerably more than minimum wage. I would happily work for the minimum though.

To work in care, you have to have 50 percent of the workforce qualified to NVQ 2. So, people arent there because 'they frankly wouldn't of got a job elsewhere'

The work is heartbreaking, depressing, repetetive and the best thing I have ever done.

The service users (what would you prefer them to be called? patients? inmates?)
have so many varied needs, what works today might not work tomorrow (or even 10 minutes time)

Clothes get lost, but staff generally try their hardest to put this right, toiletries do get mislaid, again, staff do their best. But you might have a resident who wanders and 'collects' belongings along the way. All staff can do is use distraction methods and put the things back when the person has put them down.

You cannot force someone to sit down and eat, this is abuse. You cannot feed someone who can still feed themselves, this is considered to be disenabling. All you can do is persuade and put a meal to one side to try again later. You cannot force someone to have a bath/get dressed/go to bed/get up in the morning/change out of soiled clothing. All of these would be considered abuse.

Tell me how to get someone to do something when they really don't want to do it? When that person is stronger than you and is adamant that they will not do anytihng you ask. Don't forget, you have got 20 other people all with similar needs and wants. you do the best you can, you treat them as you would want your elderly relative to be treated.

Please don't lump all carers into one, yes there are shit carers out there, but there are more good, honest caring ones.

We work long hours, shitty shifts, not great pay and we do it because we CARE. We don't do it for the relatives, we do it for the residents.

Try doing our jobs for a month and then come on here and slag us all off. There are good and bad workers everywhere.

"they told us to phone the police and they would then have my father commited. "

this is why I love social workers. Not. I had a run in about 4 years ago with a social worker that wanted us to detain an elderly lady in her 80s who had had a hip replacement and take her into custody for the night. If you've ever seen a police cell block you'll know why I refused. Her reasoning ? "It'll make the system speed up".

They had fucked up their paperwork and the lady had gone home from their "recuperation" centre. Her family were there - yet the SW wanted me to lure the lady out into the street (we only have a power of detention under the mental health act in a public place) so I could detain her to cover up their cockup.

Needless to say the lady did not get detained.

Did you actually read my post mumof?

I am painfully aware of all the things you tell me about how careworkers hands are tied, believe me, because we had awful trouble getting my father to take his medication.

I have not slagged you all off, but don't tell me my experience isn't valid, because it happened to me, and to all the other people in that care home - but SS thought the care to be adequate

Lets hope that all the shitty workers were in the care home that my poor father had the misfortune to end up in then?

The clothes thing wouldnt really be a big issue, but are you telling me that jam sandwiches for xmas day are par for the course then?

When i got there that day, the workers had alcohol on their breathes and were playing silly buggers - disgusting - and no, i woudlnt employ any of them to clean my toilet - whether they have an NVQ or not. I strongly believe that these places should be run by qualified NURSES who have some sort of understanding of patients needs.

People like yourself are heaven sent, but sadly in my experience, in the minority

"The service users (what would you prefer them to be called? patients? inmates?)"

What about residents ?

Had you got to the end of my post before the red mist descended, then you would have read THIS

"We managed to find him somewhere and the people couldnt have been different. Such loving and caring folk, the carers would often stay beyond their shifts to read with the patients and just generally try and improve their quality of life. It smelt lovely in there, not of piss, they had a cat for the clients to cuddle and always had time for the relations concerns. I couldnt praise them highly enough - sadly, my dad was only there a few months before he became will with lung cancer and died."

A very dear friend of mine, his wife works in an old peoples home, i was venting to him alot about what was happening to my father - his words to me were "i mentioned this to my wife, she said that she wished she could tell me that it was an isolated case, but sadly it isn't and that she gets sick of incompetent workers being sent there by the dole office"

Yes, i would be quite happy for my father to have been called a patient, that is after all, what he was - he will ILL!!

i wouldnt be able to do your job for a week, let alone a month - but its not my job, i don't choose that career path - yes, its hard, but people who shouldnt cope, should go and do something else.

I remember complaining about the lack of activities taking place in the home - do you know what the ownder did? He took me to a cupboard and said "look, we have board games, but they don't touch them" Well yes, most of them can't tie their own shoe laces or wash their own faces!!

One of my mother's friends has recently had to put her husband in a home due to Alzheimers. He has been there a month and deteriorated greatly. Problems with clothing, problems with personal hygiene, problems with just about everything. She went in on several afternoons recently and he was still in bed on every occasion - because "he didn't want to get up". Apparently she was livid (I'm not surprised). This is a specialist Alzheimer's unit that is supposed to be the best in our area. It costs £800 per week yet the care seems to be non-existent. They do not do any activities with the patients, don't try to help feed them, nothing.

The way the elderly are treated in our "society" is nothing short of a scandal; if a children's home treated children like this there would be an outrage. The regulator seems completely toothless and government seem to have no interest at all in improving the situation.

I do not "get" the minimum wage argument. Even if I were paid £2 an hour I could not leave someone to wet themselves because I couldnt' be bothered to take them to the loo. It's not a question of being paid enough or not enough - I just can't understand how anyone could do that to another, vulnerable person. Nursery nurses are paid minimum wage but we would not accept widespread neglect of toddlers in nurseries, would we ?

Hmmm..as an 'old' nurse I really don't see what on earth is wrong with 'patients' when any individual needs care. Mind you someone kind and patient without an NVQ might be a much better nurse than a burnt out degree educated RGN.

Social workers; well I guess they vary as much as nurses, indeed any other profession. In the last year I have had personal experience of the local SW for elderly; he was fab. I have also had personal experience of children's services locally (in same month and same building but different people) - they were absolutely crap.

Vulnerable people, and elderly frail people with dementia are more vulnerable than many, need loving care. Everyone here seems to agree with that. Anyone know what the politicians are planning to do about paying for quality personal care after the election?

Thankyou fibilou, you articulate the problem far better than i can.

All this bollocks about not being able to force people to do things - i don't buy it. My dad never liked to sit at the table, he always had his dinner on his lap - but at the care home from hell this wasn't allowed Carehome two - someone would sit and talk to him while he ate, or i would be allowed to go and feed him - care home from hell? ushered out at mealtimes

NVQ level 2? it doesn't mean very much - don't you have to go to college for two years to become a nursery nurse? To get an NVQ in general, dont you just get your supervisor to sign a bit of paper to say she/he has seen you do xy or x? HAving worked in the NVQ system i am very aware of how it works at the lower levels - not worth the paper its written on

FWIW, when my grandma with dementia was in a NH, we would nearly always arrive to find that she'd taken all her clothes off the hangers and stashed them in every available crevice - in the shower, in drawers, in her bag, in vases, in her bed, you name it. It would take the best part of an hour to put everything straight again. Residents would just wander disorientated between rooms picking up objects and shuffling off with them. It is possible for a resident to lose their own clothes, plus hearing aids, false teeth, and glasses.

The quality of nursing homes does vary enormously which is so awful because there should be a basic standard of care for all. People leave their loved ones there because they think they'll be safer and better cared for, but it's heartbreaking when it turns out they're anything but.

i remember when we looked at a care home for my dad and the woman who showed us around did openly admit that they battled to keep track of clothing, fair enough to a degree but if something is labelled how difficult can it be to eventually get an item of clothing back to a "service user"

We never ever got any bit of my fathers clothes back from the awful care home, he left there in what he stood in - someone elses clothes