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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no, not again to MIL's care home

142 replies

Flower3554 · 14/01/2010 15:33

MIL has been in a care home since October last year. She has dementia, has no recollection of who anyone is anymore, it's so sad.

Anyway, since she was admitted they have mislaid her clothes on numerous occasions despite me putting name tags in everything after the second time they said we cant find any of her clothes.

In November in answer to another request from them I took over a bulging carrier bag of toiletries, faceclothes sponges, bubble bath shampoo, you name it, it was included.

At Christmas our family bought her gift sets of bath stuff and clothes.

Phone call today tells me she has no clothes again oh and by the way she has no toiletries.

Now unless they are bathing her a dozen times a day there's no way they could have gone through all the Christmas stuff.

She has a basic state pension which pays for the home and a personal allowance of £22 pounds weekly. This is supposed to cover all clothes toiletries hair appointments in the care home etc etc.

Dh lost his job just before Christmas and we are struggling ourselves financially so AIBU to say sorry no more

OP posts:
coldtits · 14/01/2010 17:48

No, in the main it's kept in a safe by the manager to avoid tempting the low paid staff. So unless the elderly person or their family is prepared to INSIST on having their own mmoney, it's in the manager's hands.

TheCrackFox · 14/01/2010 17:57

Good grief, who wants to be old in this country? This is such a sad thread.

DecorHate · 14/01/2010 17:58

Well in that case why don't the care home buy the stuff for the OPs MIL (assume they would have to keep records & receipts) instead of asking them to buy it?? If the OP and her family have supplied clothes and toiletries up to now there should be a fair amount of pocket money after building up?

CocoK · 14/01/2010 17:59

Outrageous. Someone is obviously stealing stuff like toiletries, if not the clothes - that might just be carelessness. Whatever it is, don't put up with it anymore. Write a stern letter to the manager, with copies to whoever might be above the manager, with details of all the things you've lost and when.

Follow up with a phone call, threaten to report it to the police if it doesn't stop. It will only stop if you assert yourself, and they are clearly beyond crap on so-called customer service so you have no reason to be nice to these people.

FourArms · 14/01/2010 17:59

Could you mark the clothes with a thick black permanent marker rather than sewing them in? Or perhaps the iron on transfer labels that you can get for kids clothes (they actually act like a t-shirt transfer and cannot be removed). Another idea (perhaps for clothing less likely to be seen - e.g. vests, pants?) is to label the outside of the clothes. I saw this as an idea for kids school kit, but it might work with your MIL's clothes as surely the care workers are less likely to dress someone else in these clothes as it will be more obvious that they haven't got the correct resident's clothes?

I'd suggest a black marker pen on toiletries too - although it wouldn't reduce them using them on other residents, it might reduce theft away from the home.

For replacement right now, would the charity shop be an option? They often have some v.good quality older ladies stuff (probably for reasons) for much less than you'd pay new.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 18:02

This sort of thing makes me ashamed to be English.

Flower - I know this is mad but I have some clothes in vgc that I am too fat for which you are more than welcome to have for your MIL and I would also be happy to buy her some toiletries. Let me know.

alarkaspree · 14/01/2010 18:07

That's awful. I agree with others that it sounds as if there's some institutional theft going on. I would suggest asking for a breakdown of how her personal allowance is being spent in the future. Or insist on taking control of it yourselves.

I'd also refuse to replace her clothes. They must be somewhere so if you make it clear you're not buying any more I expect they will turn up pretty quickly.

scrappydappydoo · 14/01/2010 18:08

This is shocking. I agree that in future you 'ration' toiletries keeping them at home until they are needed/requested.
With regard to the clothes could you get a couple of things from a charity shop to tide her over. Although you should have no need to do either of these things.
Your MIL obviously has a very caring family - what is is that there are many older people who do not have that family network.

icancancan · 14/01/2010 18:12

you need to report this to the manager in writing. copy your letter to social services adults complaints team at the same time - they will have a 'vulnerable adult' policy with guidelines on abuse (as this is an abuse of your mil possession). Ask/insist on the social worker instigating an investigation under this policy. Personally I would threaten to involve the police. This home will have to be registered in order to provide nursing care - complain also to the registration body - this will also prompt an investigation.
dont take this lying down otherwise, unfortunately, it will happen time and again.
Good luck - sad for your mil and you and your family to have to put up with this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2010 18:15

I'd also be contacting the Care Quality Commission as a matter of course, have put below their details for you:-

www.cqc.org.uk/contactus.cfm

This organisation have clout too.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2010 18:21

Go in and make a complete nuisance of yourself and threaten to inform the local paper about it. Contact your Councillors and your local MP.

I know someone who worked as an aide in a nursing home that was considered really nice, a long time ago, and they used to take the leftovers after meals, whizz them in a blender, and feed the resulting slop to the dementia patients.

What you're aware of may be only the tip of the iceberg, sorry to say.

macdoodle · 14/01/2010 18:45

I'm sorry but this thread has stayed with me
I am very angry on your MIL and your families behalf
To reiterate this should NOT be happening, I dont understand how she has NO clothes from Oct to now, where the fuck are they!!!!

My gran was in a NH for dementia patients for 3 years, she moved in with full set of lovely clothes, and obviously we tended to but things like nice pj's, cardies, blankets etc for birthdays, xmas etc!
yes on the odd occasion things got mixed up, but if I noticed things were missing they were found easily enough! And when she died I am pretty sure they packed everything up for us, I took a few nice bits and sentimental bits and gave them back for the other residents who had less!

But really this should not be happening on such a big scale, it is absolutely outrageous, and I think you should be thinking about taking it further, but perhaps think about looking to move her first, I would be worried about this home

MoochingNoshingPondering · 14/01/2010 19:10

it isn't just NH but care homes for adults who are vunerable due to learning disabilities. My 'foster' sister with DS has gone thru so many sets of clothes and bedding sets and gym balls etc it is astonding, bearing in mind she lived with us for 30yrs and is not 'hard' on her belongings at all. I question and question and her current placement are very careful and log all belongings in her book with full description, date, & giver etc.

Hope you get some answers and agree re 'pocket money' funny how decorative items are 'essential'

ChocolateMoose · 14/01/2010 21:17

Just wanted to say this sort of treatment of older vulnerable people really puts into perspective how trivial most of the AIBU thread are. Good luck with getting to the bottom of it and keep us updated.

cory · 14/01/2010 21:29

It could well be other patients stealing. If they have dementia, they may not be aware that they are doing it. Remembering my SILs tales of working in a care home for dementia patients, they can be very difficult to control.

OneOf8 · 14/01/2010 21:51

I used to work in a home for young physically disabled people. After a short break I was assisting a client to wash, and noticed a couple of her items missing (the only person to have branded wash items).

Asked her and she stated carer X had borrowed it for another resident.

On the one had the other client needed it, no family pathetic "pocket money" to live on once fees were paid etc, but why should someone else fund her toiletries AND more worryingly is the risk of cross contamination. My guys were all "healthy" in that it was physical disabilities but in eldery most clients have a visit at some point to hospital and often came back suffering with MRSA.

Make a complaint, and request an investigation is carried out for this reason alone.

I wouldn't personally suspect staff from personal experience, but would put money someone saw the quantity and thought it would be ok.

On a financial point, unless privatley funded MIL should be receiving some form of benefits/funding, and have something left (after they take a proption for care) to fund the basics as a minimum. Worth involving a social worker if after care still coming up short?

motherlovebone · 14/01/2010 22:03

I know you shouldnt have to, but could you take things in, labelled, one per week? (toiletries)

Look for clothing on ebay / charity shops.

at the way things are

Jacksmama · 14/01/2010 22:08

Unacceptable. Don't calm your DH down - why should you? You deserve some answers from the manager. Good luck tomorrow.

MavisEnderby · 14/01/2010 22:15

i would contact the care quality commision TBH.

Sounds like poor care.

Is there any way you could find another residence for MIL?

someone once said that the way a society cares for it's vulnerable people is the mark of the "HEALTHINESS" of the society and this sounds like poor care to me.

Sadly the standard of care varies vastly between care homes,have worked in a few as student and pre reg nursing.I reported one.

Some are excellent others are terrible.The worst caseof elder abuse I saw was a woman who was admitted from a carehome with a horrid leg ulcer with a dirty dressing that hadn't been changed for weeks,when the dressing was removed there were maggots underneath and the lady lost her leg.Thankfully the home was closed down.

I am not saaying that mil is in such circumstances but I do think you need to report this or highlight it.Elderly and vulnerable people deserve respect and a decent standard of care.Many would say I was being a tad alarmist but I think a GOOD care facility would be more on the ball,tbh.

MavisEnderby · 14/01/2010 22:24

It is also sad that a lot of care facilities are woefully understaffed.I will reiterate that MOST are lovely carers but the client:carer ratio is sadly huge.

mathanxiety · 14/01/2010 22:57

If the other patients are taking her clothes where on earth are they putting it?

I would try to find very distinctive clothes for her, nothing drab, things that really hit you between the eyes, and watch out for them.

coldtits · 15/01/2010 01:02

Jeeeeesus christ mavis.

That would haunt me.

coldtits · 15/01/2010 01:02

carer to service user ratio is 1:10 on a GOOD day

StealthPolarBear · 15/01/2010 06:41

sorry but if you like the home otherwise PLEASE don't move her. We moved Grandma recently after her second UTI admission when it became clear that they just weren't giving her anything like enough to drink. This is NOT the way it should be and I am not excusing anything but these places are a gamble and if you get one that cares for their physical well being you are lucky. Wrong I know - I don't need to be told that.

BouncingTurtle · 15/01/2010 08:12

It is theft all these things going missing.
I would seriously consider getting the police involved. Or at least mention this to the care home manager!