To say no, not again to MIL's care home

[Flower3554]

MIL has been in a care home since October last year. She has dementia, has no recollection of who anyone is anymore, it's so sad.

Anyway, since she was admitted they have mislaid her clothes on numerous occasions despite me putting name tags in everything after the second time they said we cant find any of her clothes.

In November in answer to another request from them I took over a bulging carrier bag of toiletries, faceclothes sponges, bubble bath shampoo, you name it, it was included.

At Christmas our family bought her gift sets of bath stuff and clothes.

Phone call today tells me she has no clothes again oh and by the way she has no toiletries.

Now unless they are bathing her a dozen times a day there's no way they could have gone through all the Christmas stuff.

She has a basic state pension which pays for the home and a personal allowance of £22 pounds weekly. This is supposed to cover all clothes toiletries hair appointments in the care home etc etc.

Dh lost his job just before Christmas and we are struggling ourselves financially so AIBU to say sorry no more

I'm afraid that you may be fighting a lost battle. As Polarbear says, it is difficult for the staff to keep on top of these things, it shouldn't be, but it is.

I guess most of the staff working in NH are more tempted to spend the time in covering the people's basic needs (like ensuring they are eating, and at this age, sometimes getting a spoon from the plate to their mouth may require a good amount of staff time) than finding out where the clothes have gone (you will also find your MIL wearing some other people's stuff from time to time).

So talk to the manager about the losses but be prepared for them to repeat in the future, it is unavoidable I'm afraid.

With regards to the toiletries... take what she needs, but not much else, bring the rest when she needs it. Believe it or not, patients steal things from each other (albeit 99.9% of them will be ABSOLUTELY convinced that those things belonged to them in the first place, it is part and parcel of having dementia).

Staff doesn't have the time to police your MIL's belongings, things will continue to get lost, so to save you some annoying situations, just take there what she needs or be prepared for it to move around.

I'm not surprised in the least by this tbh. DH's grandmother died a couple of weeks ago after 7 years in a home. It was one of the better homes, no question but little things were being overlooked which made a huge difference to her quality of life. The family bought her a massive TV a few months back as her eyesight was failing. However, when we asked she hadn't watched it and it turned out that every day, either the remote was put on a low shelf that she couldn't get to or it was turned off at the plug and she was unable to switch it back on. It meant that she spent day after day staring into space.

Staff would stick their heads in and ask if she was ok, if she wanted anything but they didn't speak loudly enough and she didn't know they were even there.

Sorry, this has turned into a rant about homes but really, I'd want to know what the hell was happening. If they can't manage to keep residents' personal possessions in order I'd worry about how they were with everything else?

emsy, the problem has been, I think, it's just a theory, that whenever any of us has gone to visit she is usually in the day room so we haven't been in her room for some time. a situation which will be resolved from now on.

From what the social worker said on the phone she needs a whole new wardrobe of clothes, there is no way on earth we can afford to do this so I have no idea, until Dh speaks to them tomorrow what happens next.

That'sgreat MOngolia really,sad but unavoidable.

Sadly the ones I amthinking of put themall in a central cupboard so peoplecould helpthemselves- clothes and toiletries. Having access toyour own knickers is a key part of dignity, surely?

Until you actually go into the home you only have the social workers word that she has no clothes.

I personally cant see her having nothing at all. It's probably in someone elses room or in the laundry.

The social worker has visited her today and has spoken to the staff who have told her this, thats all we have until Dh gets there tomorrow.

Have you informed the social worker that lots of her toileteries and gifts have disappeared?
The social worker should be investigating this as strict guidelines on the protection of vulnerable adults.
Agree with others that care staff are poorly paid but if things have gone missing /stolen this hsould be investigated.

as a carer for fourteen years at my present nursing home,i may be on crappy wage but would never take anything and neither would the girls i work with,we bring in toiletries and nice smellys for our residents,please dont think just because on crappy wage we steal, we dont.

If her clothes all have name tags, the staff should be able to retrieve them from the laundry as and when they turn up there (going on the assumption that they have been recycled one way or another amongst other residents). Maybe the social worker/your DH could suggest this, as a start?

My mum works in the laundry at a local home and hand delivers all the clothes back to the residents - so it can be done. Although no-one else in the laundry does this despite them doing the same job

I would definitely raise it with the manager but it probably wasn't wise to leave so many toiletries there. I expect some residents might be confused enough to hoard things and I presume the rooms don't lock so nothing is secure. In future just leave one bottle and check her room each time you visit.

Really sorry for you though, not nice at all. Let family members know and maybe they'll chip in for more.

No I'm not accusing everyone/anyone in particular.

But some people are less dishonest than all of you on here, and it does happen (obviously).

I know that after a crappy day, when I smelled of other people's wee, boiled cabbage, and my feet/back/head ached, it might cross my mind. Doesn't mean I would steal (as wouldn't you), but some people do.

I know of cases of hospital nurses taking patient's rings/money. It happens. But I'm NOT accusing all nurses of being thieves.

Sorry

Oh OUTRAGEOUS

They are responsible for her property. they should replace it!

Ask them if they are struggling to manage her £22 per week allowance, in fact I would contact her social worker with concerns of financial abuse.

To go through that many toiletries is outrageous. They have you pegged as a giver and they are using her stuff on residents who don't have families because they don't want to spend any of their personal allowances on what they should be spent on.

The clothes have probably been delabeled and given to someone who had NOTHING, and the toiletries have probably been either stolen, if they were quality, or used on others if they are basic.

Seriously cntact these

hazeygirl, i really have put things badly & i really hope you understand that's not what i meant. all i meant that was overweorked staff + lots of residents with dementia means things go missing. the minimum wage thing was that if staff are overworked and imo underpaid then you can't expect them to get too worried over this vs say feeding a resident, tsking them to the toilet. blamwe is with the managers!!
otoh it does sound as though stuff is being stolen, i didn't realise the scale of things to begin with

Hazygirl, having worked with some truly dishonest carers (as a carer myself, I am not a snob) I would not HESITATE to point the finger directly at either dishonest or incompetent staff.

Her clothes should NOT have gone missing. Where have they gone?

And if it is a staff shortage problem, in that nobody regular is staffing the laundry, it's the manager's fault. This lady's family should NOT be asked for cloythes and toiletries AT ALL. £88 per month is provided for this purpose, where is that money going? Ity her personal money, and unless it is all going on perms and stockings, it is being stolen. If it is being used to fund basics such as food, heating, bedding, cleaning products, laundry - it is being stolen. He pension, that she no longer receives, is for that perpose. That £22 per week is for her personal use only. She should NEVER run out of ANYTHING if her money is properl;y managed, and carers, being lowpaid, are generally shit hot at managing money.

I would expect the toiletries have been pilfered

They need to find her clothes though

Definitely complain to the management

I too think that her lovely toiletries will be in the homes of a few of the staff - sorry but from experience I think they could be. Care homes cost a fortune - it is my view that toiletries are part of that cost and should be provided anyway. The only thing that maybe shouldnt is clothing. My dear old gran is in same boat and we constantly get requests for vest, knickers and nighties. And pocket money ffs. I think at something like several hundred pounds a week cost, the odd haircut should be thrown in!

The huge vcost is due to staffing

If you have 20 residents all paying £350 per week rent/care,you have to have 3 staff on 24/7. This will cost you £18 per hour. £432 per day. This doesn't include holidays, bank holidays, and the HUGE levels of maternity present in care homes (due to mainly employing women in their 20s and 30s). It comes to £3024 per week, and doesn't allow for seniority increments such as manager's pay

You food bill will be for 20 so that would be (as a large amount of meat is offered and regardless of how little they eat, a full plate of food is served, plus puddings after each lunch and tea) about £40 per week per resident, coming to £800 per week.

Gas and electric would be HUGE. I would guess at £100 per week each. They are kept very well heated, and very well lit.

Then, ohhhh then you have to allow for the rampant profiteering from private nursing home owners. I've never met one who drove an old car.

My MIL works in a care home and I have asked her about this.

She says clothes (as long as they are labelled) rarely go missing and the chances are that rather than having been pilfered they have used her toiletries for other residents who maybe havent had any of their own which while it is good they are looking after the residents isnt really fair on you.

She says you should speak to the manager and find out exactly where her stuff has gone and that if you dont receive an acceptable explanation to tell them you want replacements or you will be taking things further.

and look here

Please consider making a report.

If her toiletries and clothes are being stolen to give to other people, that may seem not-so-bad as them being stolen by the staff for their own use, but in fact what it usually means is that there is institutional theft occurring to EVERY resident in that home.

They should have £22 per week for personal use. Haircuts, clothing, toiletries, trips out. If they have so little that the staff or management is stealing from the residents whose family's will replace items, WHERE is that money going?

And as it is clothes going missing I would hesitate at blaming the staff, as they usually have no input into how the personal allowances are spend.

I have worked in homes with a 'key worker' system where shopping was done by the staff on their days off - exploitative of the staff, but very good for the residents. I have also worked in places where the (shitty basic) toiletries are bought by the owner monthly, and clothes are begged, borrowed and stolen out of the 'deceased' cupboard. This was before I knew that a personal allowance existed, and I thought the families were being tight. Now I know better, and I know that their pocket money was being thieved.

Can I just thank everyone who has taken the time to post, it means a lot to us.

I have taken a note of your link coldtits and will get Dh to mention it to the manager as a warning perhaps that we are taking this seriously. I feel we have been pushed far enough this time and that if we just keep turning up with stuff this will never end.

I like the suggestion if only taking a small amount of toiletries, obviously with some of it being Christmas presents that wouldn't have even occured to us.

I have no idea how we can replace her clothes other than one or two things a week

i worked in a NH for a few years and from what i witnessed the residents clothes generally stayed with that resident but as is the case, sadly, many other residents had nothing while some had ALOT. there was a carer in the home i worked in who, despite working 60+hours a week on senior wages (by choice at around £7ph) would steal toilettries from 'wealthier' residents for herself and professed innocence until she was caught red handed by the manager i had seen this myself and reported it but without 'hard' evidence they were reluctant to do anything about it.
this 'carer' was also guilty of stealing cardigans and other items which had to be replaced by the families of the residents stolen from

it is quite common for this to happen as some people take this as opportunity to take advantage of the vulnerable

it is now one of the reasons i have decided against working in this environment as the management are often too scared to rock the boat

in your case OP i would say the toilettries have been stolen and the clothing is likely to be keeping another resident warm.
you and your DH are well withing your rights to demand this is investigated and i would honestly consider looking for a better run home for your MIL

If you are able to I would take to visiting your MIL little and often, different times of the day every day if possible even if it's just for 10 minutes. That way the staff know that they will get found out if your MIL isn't taken good care of.

I knew you were allowed to keep a small amount of money from your pension for your personal expenses - I had no idea that care homes also effectively took that and bought the things for you - I understand that many elderly people would be unable to manage their "pocket money" due to dementia, etc but they can't all be in that position surely? What if they want to buy a gift for someone or buy something like a book or CD - do they have to ask the manager for their own money to do this? Or does this only happen in care homes specifically for people with dementia?

i missed out at the beginning... while many have ALOT, the belongings of those with usually made their way to those without. we often found underwear on the wrong resident and other items hidden in their rooms. this is not seen as theft though obviously. these residents had severe EMI issues like alzheimers, parkinsons etc.