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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be told what to wear to a wedding?

142 replies

BibiThree · 13/01/2010 22:12

Okay, I'm probably going to get shot down in flames for this, but there's something about it that makes me want to go "No! I will not!"
Been invited to a wedding and the bride has put in the invitation that women must
wear hats (not fascinators)
wear skirts/dresses
cover their shoulders in church.
Are all these religious requests? If so, then maybe I can understand if she is v religious, but really, to impose that on your guests?
I don't attend many weddings in church, so don't really know the etiquette or if this is quite a normal request.

And like I say, there's a part of me that thinks I am grown up enough to choose appropriate attire for a wedding without being told what I should wear.

OP posts:
ShellingPeas · 14/01/2010 20:18

I also think it's a religious thing - when I was a child my parents belonged to a Christian sect which specified suitable attire for church - no trousers for women, all heads covered with either a scarf or a hat, no shoulders or knees to be shown. Your hair had to be long as well - if you had short hair you were a wanton woman!

Original poster
BibiThree · 14/01/2010 20:38

I've been to many church weddings growing up in South Wales and I agree they are very formal (as are funerals), but not been to one for a very long time, as an adult it's mostly been civil ceremonies. Maybe that's why I associate hats with old ladies
However, the wedding is in London, so it don't think it's South Wales thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BibiThree · 14/01/2010 20:39

expat - I hadn't thought of the ick factor in hiring a hat ...

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 14/01/2010 20:44

Were they Plymouth/Exclusive Brethren Shellingpeas?

weegiemum · 14/01/2010 20:51

I've been to several Free Presbyterian weddings (used to live in the Western Isles eeek!) and always wore my very trusty black linen trouser suit. No hat. Varied the blouse (good excuse for a new one!)

No-one ever complained - they always seemed very pleased we had come.

If the Free P's (wee wee frees) are not complaining in their stronghold about what people wear to weddings, then I reckon this is bridezilla.

Free P weddings, otoh, all happen on Friday. So that you can go on past midnight, cos on Saturday, you would have to be stopping at 11.30 to be home by the Sabbath (not joking!!)

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 14/01/2010 20:54

I'm guessing the bride is wearing an off the shoulder dress.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 20:59

Wow, weegie! I did not know that about frees.

We have a Free CoS/Presbyterian church in our town, right by a Masonic lodge.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 21:00

Imagine, Bibi, if you hired this hat and it smelled like unwashed hair.

Or sweat.

Mmmm.

ShellingPeas · 14/01/2010 22:14

LetThereBeRock - yes Exclusive Brethren but 'twas in NZ.

Original poster
BibiThree · 15/01/2010 21:10

Okay so it's a Baptish chapel the wedding is at. I take it that's different to a C of E church? Although I don't know, and not that it matters, I just should have read the invitation properly and given you all the proper information instead of reading the first part and going then Mumsnetting immediately.

Are baptish chapels known for being v strict about these things?

OP posts:
Original poster
BibiThree · 15/01/2010 21:11

Why can I not type BaptisT properly?!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/01/2010 21:16

Yes, Baptist is not the same as CoE.

Original poster
BibiThree · 15/01/2010 21:24

Okay, thanks. Will Google it to find out a bit more.

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 15/01/2010 21:30

Just googled, dress modestly, no cleavage, can just about get away with trousers, so I am guessing that the requests are religious based.

TheBossofMe · 15/01/2010 21:31

Not Baptist, but I married in a Jesuit church where the priest also asked for covered shoulders. Explained that on letter with invitation, and no-one had a problem with it (or if they did, they didn't tell me!). Shawls were a popular option on the day.

SleighGirl · 15/01/2010 21:32

There are Baptist Free and other Baptists, Baptist Chapel sounds very very traditional to me........

Original poster
BibiThree · 15/01/2010 22:00

Cool, thanks all. Am glad I know it's not just bride being picky about what her guests wear.
Of course i'll respect her religion in her church and cover my head and shoulders and I'd have worn a dress anyway. Wish she'd worded it more clearly though.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 15/01/2010 23:00

OK. I just did a Google search on dress code for baptist churches and this link might give you some clues. I was amazed at the number of results for Baptist churches , in this country, who feel it is necessary to state there is no dress code at their particular church. This leads me to believe that for many Baptist churches, they do adhere to the guidelines in the link.
here

MsHighwater · 15/01/2010 23:50

sayit, the advice in that page seems very restrained and reasonable to me. I have also been googling christian dress codes for women sparked by this thread. There are loads of pages out there discussing it - many appear to be written by men, I might add(tho not all) - and masses of sites (mainly American) that sell "modest clothing". There are plenty who think that trousers are male apparel and therefore that they breach the instruction given in one of the same Bible passages that your link cites that prohibits women from wearing men's clothing (and vice versa).

Looking at the sales sites, it is clear that "modest" is in the eye of the beholder. One site had stuff that looks very similar to Amish clothing (as best I can judge) though I doubt that many Amish women buy clothes from a website! Another had a section for "pants and shorts" and it was hard to identify what made most of the rest of its offerings modest - higher necklines and the absence of mini-skirts, perhaps.

The most amusing one was the site where you could buy modest swimwear that would not have looked much out of place in Victorian times. How anyone could swim in that getup, I do not know.

MsHighwater · 15/01/2010 23:54

Just found this and had to share.

sayithowitis · 16/01/2010 00:30

Yay!!!! I'm a Harlot!

BrigitBigKnickers · 16/01/2010 09:58

Mshighwater love the link.
The Lord is obviously a fan of Little House on the Prairie!

Katisha · 16/01/2010 10:53

Used to go to a pretty strict baptist church and all the women wore hats - it was ridiculous - they were incredible fancy and competitive as if it were a wedding every week.
Some churches are usually pretty keen to control what women wear according to their reading of certain biblical passages...Funnily enough they rarely have anything to say about what the men should and shouldn't be turning out in...

nickelbabe · 16/01/2010 10:53

eh?
Mshighwater's link says to me that if you cover yourself you're a harlot "i thought she was a harlot as her face was covered" and Adam and Eve hid themselves in the garden because they were naked because the snake who made them eat the apple made them ashamed! God wouldn't have put them in garden naked if he didn't approve of it, would he!

EightiesChick · 16/01/2010 11:02

It's obviously very variable from the posts on this page, but I grew up going to a Baptist church and they were wonderfully tolerant and easygoing about this sort of thing. No-one getting married there would ever have to comply with such a dress code. So please don't assume this is a Baptist thing in general - this particular church may be very strict but that's not the case for all of them!

FWIW, my DH's comment on the subject has been 'I don't think I'd want to go to a wedding that was that arse-grindingly specific about what to wear'.