Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to believe you can't steal husbands?

359 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 14:35

I have been perplexed to read on here that some posters seem to believe you can "steal someone else's husband".

I am sure you can steal a dog or a handbag, maybe even a good idea(!?!)... but spouses, even if belong with each other, certainly do not belong to each other.

Equally, I'm rather confused that once a man has married or other moved onto the ummmm... the "new model", how can the lady in question continue to be termed the OW? Surely, she is now "The Woman"...

Just wondering as people keep referring to the NM culture about this issue, so sorry if it has been debated before.

OP posts:
nooka · 10/01/2010 20:05

Reptilian? What on earth do you mean? Cold blooded and slow? Scaly?

CreditCrunchie · 10/01/2010 20:10

The OP had my sympathies on the other thread, but after reading all this, I'm not so sure anymore...

If you asked me a few years ago if a partner could be "stolen", I'd have categorically said no...until a woman at DP's workplace took a serious interest in him at the start of last year. She flirted OUTRAGEOUSLY with him, started wearing kinky boots and miniskirts to work (in a restaurant ), and when that didn't work, the rumours, phonecalls, texts etc etc started. She just would not take no for an answer - and she caused an unnatural amount of rows between us. If I hadn't known exactly what she was up to, I have no doubt she would have torn us apart...It only all came to a head when I called into his workplace (6wks pg), and there she was, dressed in MY STYLE of (modest) clothes, and she had the audacity to say that DP ignoring her was just his "strategy" with her...you can guess what happened after that...

Anyway, we're still madly in love, but don't try and convince me that some women won't try ANYTHING to get what they want...

OP, can you put your hand on your heart and say there wasn't some kind of "emotional affair" going on at work between you and your H before he left his ex???

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 20:13

OP, can you put your hand on your heart and say there wasn't some kind of "emotional affair" going on at work between you and your H before he left his ex???

But that's what you WANT isn't it? That people fall in love but don't act on it until a suitable period of mourning has passed? She can't do anything right can she, this OP?

Mermaidspam · 10/01/2010 20:14

As others have said, crap.

Although, a woman can only attempt to "steal" a man. For it to work he must allow himself to be "stolen".

IMHO each party (the OW and the cheating arse) are as guilty as each other, but only if the OW knew or suspected that the man was married.

And, an OW will always be known as such because she was originally known as this to the family/friends/colleagues because she was/is the other person involved in the man's marriage, and usually therefore, the divorce.

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 20:16

So, ladies, could YOU be stolen? What would it take for you to be STOLEN without you really having any control about it?

Or are women higher creatures so rise above such things?

Janos · 10/01/2010 20:16

Cheers expat

tmmj agree re: the 'we couldn't help ourselves'line. It's so bloody teenage. Amazed how many proper grown ups think this is justification for all sorts of awful and cruel behaviour.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 20:17

'So, ladies, could YOU be stolen? What would it take for you to be STOLEN without you really having any control about it?'

Rhetorical question for people who believe that you 'fall' in love someone the way you slip on ice.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 20:18

Oh, yes, Janos. 'We couldn't help ourselves'. 'We were drunk.' Etc.

Immaturity.

I'd dump someone just for using one of those excuses because I couldn't abide a grown person who was still that juvenile.

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 20:19

So why can men be stolen but not women?

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 20:19

No of course I couldn't be stolen - precisely because I fell in love with my DP.

If I had rationalised myself into a relationship I would doubtless be in a much more fragile position...

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 20:20

Not IMO, MP. Hence, why I never assigned a gender to any of my posts here.

Adults are, well, adults, IMO.

CreditCrunchie · 10/01/2010 20:20

But morningpaper, seriously, it would break my heart into a zillion pieces if I knew that my DP was sharing his innermost thoughts, dreams, secrets etc with someone else...IYKWIM? The consummation of their "emotional affair" would only be the end of it...

But hell, what do I know, I just love DP to bits

elastamum · 10/01/2010 20:20

you cant steal a husband. but you can choose to repect (or not ) someones maried status. although my ex behaved dispicably. I will never ever forgive the married woman who had an affair with him that resulted in the break up of 2 families (they werent planning to be found out). I think she is a cow

Janos · 10/01/2010 20:21

Who gives a tupenny hapenny shite about whether husbands can be 'stolen'. Semantics, innit?

BooHooo · 10/01/2010 20:23

I think it can happen to anyone tbh. Even those who pontificate about how solid and secure and enduring their relationships are and how based in strong foundations...etc etc..

MillyR · 10/01/2010 20:25

I have never experienced that reptilian sort of love, but many people I know say they have. So maybe it is something that only happens to some people.

Janos · 10/01/2010 20:27

I see what you're getting at MP.

I just think trying to hide behind some sort of 'ooh isn't this sexist and awful, saying men can be stolen from their wee wifey' attitude is muddying the waters somewhat.

Bad behaviour is bad behaviour whether you're male or female.

I don't think anyone can be 'stolen', but people are certainly responsible for their own actions.

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 20:29

I think that reptilian sort of falling in love can happen to anyone, providing that they let themselves be open to the experience. So many people in the Western world are so desperately trying to control their feelings about society and to manage its pressures that they aren't available for the really basic human emotions.

nooka · 10/01/2010 20:29

But falling in love is temporary isn't it? You can't fall forever. I have loved my dh for many many years, although sometimes that was a bit buried under all the crap that life throws at you at times. Sometimes I still feel very intense, but it's not an everyday sort of way to be, nor would I want to feel like that all the time. That's not rationalisation, that's the way that relationship are over the long term, they mellow and develop, take all sorts of twists and turns and grow from the pain as well as the pleasure. My parents are still happily together coming up to 50 years marriage, but I've not heard them say they were "in love", their love for each other is a constant part of who they are.

I think that anyone can be tempted, and I think that some people do consciously set out to seduce or woo. After all that's how most relationships start, by someone making the first move (and then the subsequent ones). An affair is not just sex btw, having an emotional affair is just, if not more damaging IMO, as that's what tends to drive the wedge between couples, when they cease to communicate - why communicate with your partner (who might be grumpy/see through you from many years of experience) when you have a lovely new understanding shoulder to cry on?

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/01/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 10/01/2010 20:31

Still wondering what "reptilian" love is, and why it might be considered a good thing. I can't see anything particularly appealing about reptiles (crocodiles, snakes, turtles etc don't appear to be particularly loving to me, or indeed anything to aspire to)

nooka · 10/01/2010 20:32

Good lord, I just Googled the phrase and came up with Davide Icke and how to love aliens...

morningpaper · 10/01/2010 20:34

maybe you need to be cold and without feeling to think it is ok to 'fall in love' with a married person and destroy the life they already have?

This is SUCH a medieval phrase

I just find it bizarre how anyone can blame third-parties for the break-up of a marriage

If I ran off with someone else, it would be ENTIRELY my responsibility

MillyR · 10/01/2010 20:35

I was more meaning it as an unstoppable force of nature that defies our evolutionary progress and returns us to some earlier, primeval state.

But I thought it was easier to just shorten it to Anna's proposed reptilian, having had no such experiences myself.

loobylu3 · 10/01/2010 20:35

Husbands (or wives) can't be 'stolen' because they are not a possession.
However, it is morally wrong to start a relationship with someone who you know is currently in a long term, serious relationship or marriage.
I don't know whether the OP did this or not because her version of events has subtly changed.

If you do choose to do it (and I don't buy any of this couldn't help it/ fell in love, etc) then at least take the responsibility like an adult and appreciate that it will cause great deal of hurt for the ex wife (and children), your own children/ ex, etc and that other family relationships and friendships may suffer.

I also don't but this 'know one can take a happy man out of a happy marriage' line. Why is this some kind of justification for starting an affair? I think that is to make the OW feel better. Maybe the couple are going through a difficult stage in their relationship because of illness, financial difficulties, problems with the children. These things happen to everyone at some point who is in a long term relationship. Possibly they could have worked through the difficulties they were facing. A third person getting involved isn't likely to help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread