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Original poster

to believe you can't steal husbands?

359 replies

WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 14:35

I have been perplexed to read on here that some posters seem to believe you can "steal someone else's husband".

I am sure you can steal a dog or a handbag, maybe even a good idea(!?!)... but spouses, even if belong with each other, certainly do not belong to each other.

Equally, I'm rather confused that once a man has married or other moved onto the ummmm... the "new model", how can the lady in question continue to be termed the OW? Surely, she is now "The Woman"...

Just wondering as people keep referring to the NM culture about this issue, so sorry if it has been debated before.

OP posts:
traceybath · 10/01/2010 19:14

Vallhala - do you think that your affair was a good thing though? Do you not feel any remorse about it?

As I mentioned earlier I too had a brief thing with someone who was in a relationship but am not particularly prooud of it.

junglist1 · 10/01/2010 19:15

To me it's not stealing as such but I don't buy the I fell in love and couldn't help it line.If a man is "attached" just fuck off,you don't just fall in love wham you flirt or whatever first and it's plain nasty. The man said vows BUT that's not an excuse to betray a fellow female, we have enough problems as it is. I've never gone near a man with a partner.

nooka · 10/01/2010 19:17

Oh, and I'd really be wary of believing everything that anyone says about their ex when they are still in the throws of separating (or for that matter afterward). Too much angst and self justification for anyone to think straight. There have been a few threads here where people find out that their "previously-loved" partner was not the great person they thought, and that actually the first partner was perfectly sane and the insults they were slinging were indeed justified.

I don't think it matters very much whether the OP was the OW or not really, seems fairly borderline to me, as she has said that the man in questions had feelings towards her, so he was obviously thinking along those lines. However the problem that she has in moving so quickly is that the ex thinks that she broke up her home. Losing your partner (does it really matter whether there is a certificate or not - this is emotions we are talking about here) is painful. Losing your parent (again its not the biology but the relationship) is devastating, and watching your child being very very upset is likely to send most of us over the edge to be honest, even if some of us control that better than others.

traceybath · 10/01/2010 19:18

prooud - I meant proud obviously

You see I met DH at work when engaged to someone else so ended my relationship and then started seeing now DH soon after.

So although I wasn't technically unfaithful - he was the reason I ended my previous relationship.

I think thats pretty common behaviour isn't it?

Unfortunately current DH not so good and he took a few weeks to end his relationship. And God so complicated even though they weren't married and no dc's involved.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 19:18

What junglist said.

You don't 'fall in love'. It's not a car crash.

It's a conscious decision to keep seeing someone who's married.

Vallhala · 10/01/2010 19:20

traceybath, the affair is a good thing (not was, it's still ongoing). And no, I don't feel any remorse, for very many reasons.

BooHooo · 10/01/2010 19:22

People who are in relationships are not exempt from falling in love with other people, of course it can happen to any one of us at any time. If the feeling is real and strong and the circs are right I see how it can happen I really do.

Dh was the reason I ended my current relationship and I his, I never dreamed in a million years it would happen but it did.

nooka · 10/01/2010 19:24

Exactly. Too much thinking in black and white. Relationships are complex, sometimes people do stupid things when their relationship is in difficulties, even when they actually still love their partner, and things are eminently fixable. In these circumstances they should put their effort into making things work again, not into a bit of an escapist fling, and a good person should help them do that, not offer them the comfort of their bed (although actually I don't think that sex is the key aspect to an affair). Trouble is when the person in question has their own needs, which they think that person can fulfill for them - then why should they care I guess.

I think that people think of relationships as way too disposable.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 19:37

I think sassy has been a lone voice on this thread

I want to know why OP said, in her first thread, and I quote..."DP left his partner and her children when he met me..."

OP, are you re-writing history, dear ? Or did you accidentally type it wrongly the first time around...which is it ?

I wouldn't normally be such a rottweiler about one fact, but you are now back-pedalling like Chris Hoy on acid

I don't give a shit whether you fucked each other to Sheffield and back before he ended it with his old family, the fact remains you will always be the "OW" to that family

and you are naive (and deluded) to think otherwise

AnyFucker · 10/01/2010 19:38

< gives mac a quick hug >

Janos · 10/01/2010 19:45

Big fat at OP.

Do single mums with very young babies really have the time and energy to go on dates?

And also at the serial cheating is so modern only tedious old-fashioned types disapprove tone of some posts.

MadameDefarge · 10/01/2010 19:47

Clearly they do. And hold down full time jobs in order to support their children.

But really, they should be staying at home on benefits wearing a charmingly tailored nuns outfit.

MadameDefarge · 10/01/2010 19:49

And cheating is hardly modern, now is it? A bit like Phillip larkin there re sex, invented in 1963, a little late for me. (I paraphrase).

What is modern is that staying in bad marriage is no longer an economic necessity. Thank god.

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 19:50

"You don't 'fall in love'. It's not a car crash."

I completely and utterly disagree with this. Yes, you do "fall in love". It takes a couple of seconds.

So sad for people who have never fallen in love and don't know this...

Janos · 10/01/2010 19:53

You got me there MadamDefarge, I'm a real puritan.

On a purely practical level, I was a single mum with a young child, working full time and just didn't have the physical or emotional energy or plain old spare time to go on dates. That's why I'm ing.

MillyR · 10/01/2010 19:57

I do think all of this is utterly despicable. I didn't know which of the OP's threads to post this on.

My niece (not biologically) could be one of the children you are taking this vile attitude to.

My brother has brought up my niece, but she is not his child. He is not married to her mother either.

If he met some other woman, and she wanted my brother to cease contact with the child he has brought up, and this new woman was making out that it was some huge favour that my niece and her mother were allowed to stay in the home my niece has grown up in... well, I would think that was really nasty.

As I think you are, OP.

How can a man cease contact with children he has been a Father to for 10 Years?

Doodleydoo · 10/01/2010 19:57

Morning Paper - actually that is the dd, runs into a room naked does a quick poo then runs out again - wonder where she gets that from?

Vallhala - brilliant topic for a dissertation I feel. Loving it!

Lets face it no one can predict their fate and sometimes fate draws two people together regardless of whether or not they want it to happen. An example - I met my dh 48 hours after breaking up with long term bf. Had previously met dh and thought nothing of him and then met him properly iyswim not just in passing as had done previously. Recently reconnected with ex due to a bereavement to discover that very soon after we broke up he met his dw. I think we were both lucky, yet he was never faithful to me so would I have not gone out with my dh if the circumstances had been changed by 48 hours or more.............I honestly don't know.

Janos · 10/01/2010 19:58

No, cheating isn't modern. Bad choice of phrase there.

It's great people don't have to stay in bad marraiges. Where did I say they should? Never been married myself, no intention of ever doing it so no strong feelings that

I haven't read any other posts by the OP (been busy this w/e) but the tone of this one really grated.

I felt there was an undertone of sneering at women who have been cheated on and are suffering real pain and trauma as a result?

Janos · 10/01/2010 20:00

I mean, no strong feelings 'that way'. Trying to multi-task as usual and failing!

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/01/2010 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 10/01/2010 20:02

I just don't agree. Obviously your relationship develops over time, but love? No, that is something much more reptilian.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 20:03

And I feel sorry for people who feel love, which is one and one with respect, that results in a true, lasting commitment, is akin to a tomcat meeting a cat in heat in the street.

His 'love' happens in a few seconds, too.

Over just as fast as well.

nooka · 10/01/2010 20:04

I think that some people do have that "head over heels" thing. But it's a rush of hormones IMO, irrational and temporary. It might grow into something real and important. Or not. It doesn't give any justification for disengaging the brain and disregarding the feelings of everyone else in the world, as sometimes seems to occur.

themildmanneredjanitor · 10/01/2010 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2010 20:05

High fives AnyFucker and Janos.

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