To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

i dont agree with the ex-girlfriend , why would she encourage her children to call her then boyfriend (abet live in) dad? i just cant get my head around it.
if they were married or if hed adopted the kids then id understand it. Why would she get money from ops dh ? i dont understand why he gives her money.
imagine a post where the an op says she is getting money from her ex for two kids that are not his, and is living in her exs house for 2 years after they split, but abusing / threatening the ex-boyfriends new pregnant wife, and encouraging her kids to do the same. ex- girlfriend needs to let go. op your dh is too nice to this woman... i know its a kind thing that he still wants a relationship with his exs kids , but his responsibility lies mainly with his own family - you ,and your baby and your dd.

Ah OK. Fairy snuff.

Drop the ultimatum! Issuing one would probably tear him in two.
This guy sounds like he really loved his step children.
Imagine the pain he would feel being torn away from a child that was his own. He sounds like he would be fantastic father to your little one.
Yes things need to change, but bloody well hang on in there, he sounds like a diamond to me.
FWIW I am a step mum who also has a DD with my DP.

Haven't read any of the replies, but yes, YABU. And childish. And spoilt.

And even if you do deliver this ultimatum and your DH does agree to it, you will live to regret it. Your DH is their father. Maybe not biologically, but he is the only dad they have ever known and was in their lives for 10 years. You cannot just erase that history and if you try to, I fear you are the one who will have to bear the bitterness and resentment from your DH for years to come, as well as the guilt of leaving two children fatherless.

Grow up.

I don't think it's particularly uncommon for children to call a stepfather Dad when that man has brought them up from babies, especially when he's the only father figure they have in their lives? I'm assuming the OP's DH was happy with this too and no doubt everyone assumed they would always be a family. 10 years is a long time, many marriages don't last that long.

The biological bit is irrelevant IMO, whilst there is no legal responsiblity, the DH evidently sees the children as his own and it's unfair to expect him to change who he is and how he feels for children he has raised, regardless as to whether he donated the sperm.

MrsMattie - it's pretty rude IMO to post like that on a sensitive topic like this without reading the thread. You may have noticed it's pretty long and perhaps there may be more information/clarification/changes of heart to read before leaping to judgements?

MrsMattie, look at page 4 the 3rd post from op

well said gaelicsheep!!

I have read the entire thread and I stand by what I originally. said. Sorry if you think it's rude, but if the OP can't take the heat, she needs to stay out of AIBU.

Bye now.

I think she's pretty new and wouldn't realise a) what an inflammatory subject it is here, and
b) what an inflammatory thread topic this is.

It was not reading the thread that I thought rude, not the response (although that was quite rude too, but no worse than many others). I do wish Mumsnetters would cut people some slack occasionally, especially when they're pregnant (speaking as a pg woman myself!)

i have been with dp for 4 yrs, DS1 was 6 when we got together. he has been calling dp dad for the last 2 yrs his choice and i am not going to stop him.

Man, this thread is kray zee -
I'm sitting here reading it in the middle of the night due to manic Braxton Hicks contractions, credit crunched out of existence, and all I can think of is WOW! How great would it be if an ex of mine would give me a house and pay my way as well as paying for kids that aren't even his! Jackpot! No wonder the ex partner is still so pissed off...I wouldn't dream of paying for this woman's upkeep - whatever about the kids, that's another issue entirely.

You are married to the man, and expecting his child - it is dreadful that you should be abused and spat at in your own home and on your own doorstep...it MUST be very upsetting for you. Everyone keeps going on about what a great bloke he must be to take on two kids, but if he really is that great, he should be insisting that his ex and the kids treat you with just a little bit of respect. Its time he stepped up and set some boundaries so that some kind of harmony can be restored - the relationship he has with these kids should be nurtured, of course, but it shouldn't be to the expense of your dignity as a wife, mother and human being. He needs to be a FATHER as well as a WALLET.

I believe it is ultimatum time...but perhaps not in the way one anticipated...

I'll probably get shot down for this rant...ah well, pass the cake...

Well I have read the whole thread and posted early on, and I stand by it!!
And I resent being called sanctimonious etc, though I have been called worse!
All the nice cuddly back slapping hoho's, have still just merrily ignored that the OP yes was the OW whether she likes it or not, and that is certainly the way the exP and Dc see it, 10 years is a long time for a man to live with a woman and 2 DC who were only 3 and 1 at the start.
I would be very surprised if they dont consider him their father and the OP as the woman who wrecked thier family

I really hate the way the OW/new P/new W decide at a certain time that the exP and exDc should have got over the hurt they caused and they decide it is time to move on and they have suddenly become more important "I think he has a bigger responsibility to his own (about to be born) child and his wife" nasty and self centred comment but then so are people who have affairs ho hum !

You cant just erase a persons past as much as YOU would like too I see NO none whatsoever concern for these poor DC, who the OP would merrily like to erase/remove/disappear - they may be teens, but they are no doubt hurt and confused - 2 years isnt very long at all, they would have been what 11 and 13 when the OP's H left, a very hard age to be left with a bitter angry clearly distressed mother! In their eyes their "father" has left for an OW, and now has a new fmily who he seems to care more about, how they must be hurting, a little empathy for them wouldnt hurt at all

So when you kids reach 18 and you going to leave them on their own and stop supporting them?

Have read the OP and the thread, and thought of something that hasn't been mentioned yet.

I think its understandable that your DH's children (I know they aren't biologically his, but the emotional connection is there and he has raised them as his own, so will call them his children for ease of reading) are very upset. Not excusable the way they are behaving, as that's unacceptable, but they are probably upset because they feel extremely threatened and hurt. They possibly think that they have been abandoned (even though your DH left their mother, not them) and may also think he will forget about them when your baby is born. As much as you may hate this (and I would struggled with it!!) is it possible to try and include them in your baby's life ie they are gaining a brother or sister? Newborns are heaven and most people I know react well to them. Perhaps your baby (ie you and your DH) could give them a present from the baby. I would recommend, though, that they are never alone with your baby (not that you would do that).

Also, seems that while boundaries and rules are most definitely needed (and the children may respond well to that) ie no stealing, spitting etc and they must treat you with respect or there will be no treats such as holidays, theatre etc. Goes without saying that some sort of clear financial arrangement also needs to be decided upon by you and your DH.

However, by attempting to create an inclusive environment you may "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" on this one. If you can get the children settled and happy with the situation, Ex partner will probably be less of a problem. And I expect her issues will be largely irrelevant to you both if the children are OK.

Good luck - this is a horror situation when you are 8 months' pregnant and trying to finish up work and look after your DD. And, frankly, sorry that you had such a baptism of fire on MN.

Haven't read all the posts but whilst the OP is BU to issue any kind of ultimatum, she doesn't deserve the treatment meted out by this man's previous P and children.

I just hate the way that anyone who has ever been the OW receives a flood of abuse on MN and is expected to don sackcloth and ashes and suffer forever because of this crime. Again, people act as if the man was the innocent victim of the shameless hussy who "stole" him from his lovely, blameless family.

In the end, the OP's husband was not married to the XP and the kids are not his biologically. Doesn't mean he should wash his hands of them but it sounds like he's a decent bloke and the XP is acting unreasonably.

Hi All, I think we can establish that actually the op wasn't the ow at the time of the split. Actually this makes a huge difference as to how the ex should behave. Granted from her pov it must look like something had been going on as they worked together, but it is possible that this bloke has more moral ground than that (i think we can establish that that is probably the case as he is still supporting the ex and her dc.)

One this is true, the xp is being unreasonable as tryharder also says. She is bitter and sad and jealous (and actually I would be too as I am sure we all would be, exp off with another woman, married to her, having a child with her, new wife having a future with her ex....all the jazz.) Perhaps in some warped way she is thinking this behaviour will drive him back to her.

The children are teenagers, they are at a difficult time and are obviously being hurt both by their mother - who is using them as pawns (although should be very careful with this!!!!) They also then have the additional problem of having no boundaries set and therefore being badly behaved. They obviously have no grounding with the exp because of the situation.

The op's dh needs to set some ground rules for behaviour with him, how they should react around him if they still want to see him and want his input. Perhaps it is worth going to an external source for some form of mediation with the dh and his "children" to see if they still want him involved in their life. Let them make the decision on an emotional level rather than on a financial level. They are teenagers and therefore could be asked questions like this in a family court (I am led to believe). Perhaps that would help?

ffs the op is pregnant. remember what that was like? hormones all over the place,ect.
oh , and where exactly does it say she was the OW ? i havent read that.it doesnt say that.
even if she had been her now DH`S other woman, that does not give his ex and her kids the right to abuse her .
how many of you would welcome your DH handing over a money to an ex- girlfriend and her kids , when he has no legal requirement to do so ( the kids arent his, no matter how long he was with their mum)
i had an ex -friend who had 2 ds. she insisted that her ex-p take both kids for overnight stays and that he paid maintenence for both. only the baby was his. She was the one who cheated and left him. when he found someone else, she went into overdrive. csa got involved and told her she was entitled to maintenence for one of her boys.
when her ex-p married someone else and had a baby , she told her youngest that his half sister wasnt his sister and that his daddy didnt love him anymore. then she moved and didnt tell anyone that she was in manchester. she moved back reciently, and its all kicking off again because her ex-p will only see his son , and not her oldest child.
not all ex-girlfriends should be sainted.

i know this is not a helpful comment for the OP but i would just like to get this off my chest. There seem to be an awful lot of children with various fathers which must be awful for them. has noone heard of contraception? it cannot be good for them to be brought up in this way

Morning everyone! Feeling much better after a good sleep. I have reread all the replies, and have been thinking about the differing views...

Can I just say, the children are not neds, and nor is their mum. Mum comes from a pretty wealthy up-bringing herself. Both DC have been prviately educated since P1, and can have had lots of advanrage (eg huge house in lovely areas, SAHM) - they can behave nicely - but have been wound up a lot by their Mum who refers to me as the Sl**per!

Lots of people are saying they are his DC emotionally, if not biologically... I do accept that there is a connection - however, I think that it is not hte same. A big difference is that DH has no legal rights over these children. If he was their adopted Dad or had been the sperm donor, as ssome posters have charmingly put it - at least he could take her to court to put some boundaries in place - like prohibiting her from chaning their school.

One nasty tactic she has consistently used is to say, DH won't pay the school fees (about £18K a year) anymore, and you're going to have leave school. Then she approaches the head master and mistress, makes arrangements to leave - on one occassion throwing a big leaving party for the children and their friends, before relenting and "allowing" my H to continue paying. DH has always been clear from day 1 that he will pay for them to complete their educaiton - which I actually think is a nice thing to do - and deserved a "thank you very much" - not all this crap!

I agree with the posters who think this is now out of hand and his ex is riding the gravey train to Whoop Whoop City. Am going to sit down with DH today and talk it through - but will not issue an ultimatumun - I think you lot are right, and we need to tease out something that works for us....

Cheers for all the input!

Washwithcare im glad your feeling better today .
can i ask one thing? , do the ex`s kids know that your dh is not their biological dad? . im only asking ,because if they dont then it might explain why they are acting this way.

WWC - your dh sounds lovely to pay for their education. Just one thing I am interested in - would this woman still be doing this if for example your dh was no longer in a position to afford paying their school fees etc?

It does sound like she is a bitter person and is being petty and sour.

Drlove is right - not all ex's are saintly, on a lighter note, how does a woman with 2 different children by 2 different men then living with a 3rd have the gall to call the op a slapper? Pot, kettle, black come to mind anyone - (op not saying you are a slapper btw!)

The exP sounds like a complete mare and I really understand that you must be tearing your hair out over this.

It's got to make things difficult when he has no legal rights but feels a moral responsibility, I guess the law doesn't seem to cater for nice men!

I wonder if some sort of trust might be the answer? I'm no legal eagle so not sure how it could work, but if something could be sorted along these lines for the children it could possibly stop the exP inflaming the situation and allow your DH to feel he's doing right by his DC?

its not the kids that are thr problem, its the ex . INSIST that DH tells her if she calls you a slapper or anything else ever again that DH will withdraw all financial help from her . Make it clear.
the threat of it might be enough for her to stop acting like a moron.

drloves8 - that's a shocking tale. I think most people assume a mother will do the best for their children, - but I think certain women become so into hurting their exs, the needs of their DC get forgotten!

PP suggested I get them involved in my baby - this is one reason I would never do that. We obviously don't have to be very clear with my DD whose only 3 on the ins and outs, but presently I talk about them as being a bit like cousins to her - which is a term we have always use to encompass quite remote relations, as well as blood nephews and nieces.

I def wouldn't want my baby or DD to think of them as half-sisters - as they are not related in any way, and will not grow up along side them on a day to day basis in our family either... and the mom is so crazy, I am sure she would use it as a means of huring my kids if she could.