To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

Hey washwithcare looks like your dh has really been very thoughtful in his approach and I hope your giving him well deserved credit .

with regards to your comments ...''Just as an aside, I googled how many step parents keep in touch with kdis, and couldn't find anything - but I did find out that about a 1/3 of Natural Fathers who are Married to the Mother permanently lose contact with their children when they split. I thought this was really shocking!''- this is where my problems lie and its not very good when 24 years later these 'children' come back at the absent parent full of lies from the 'permanent' parent .

Really hope that alls sorted for you now and you can get on with this pregnancy and building your family together x

Maybe the ex did move into his house but for the last 10 years it has been their home. Her then partner says it's not working, moves out and very quickly moves into another relationship with a woman he has been working with.

We have no idea how much help she has been over the years helping him to become the mega earner he is or supporting him in that role. She may be pissed off that she has helped for the last 10 years and that is worth nothing as he now gets all the income from it and her input is worth £0.

I know women do juggle work and children and I have nothing but admiration for them. My son is in private school. He gets over 17 weeks holiday a year. It is hard juggling a measely 4 weeks leave from work and asking friends/family to help out without presuming too much from any of them. Plus on top of that if they are ever ill that has to be dealt with too.

This woman hasn't worked for around 10 years from what I understand from this thread. Now unless she has 3 PHD's in I am bloody marvellous at everything I do then there are not going to be that many jobs for woman in her position. Also starting work after 10 years would be bloody scary.

So if that leaves her with the option of a part-time role say at McDonalds or Sainsburys that is all well and good. If she can get one in the climate.

Realistically the house of a mega earner is not going to be a 2 up 2 down, despite not having to pay rent on what was her home, all the other bills are going to be pretty high and even benefits and entitlements may not be enough to manage the place. Not being able to pay the heating bills/council tax/water rates whatever on a mega earners house she may take the email as an insult and not have any choice but to move away to somewhere she could afford on whatever salary she can find. As such that email may look reasonable but from her point of view it is a sneaky way of kicking her out.

Comments about the credit cards and her only interest being in shoes don't help. That is what she was used to. How was she to know he wasn't just having an affair and wouldn't come back in 3, 6 however many months? To expect someone to go from a mega earning partner to a complete change in circumstances takes time.

Not justifying anything she has done perhaps she is terrified wondering how she is going to be able to manage everything.

The abuse the new partner has had is wrong. It shouldn't have happened.

Have no idea where the bio-dads were. DH says that ex-gf said that both were violent - one did go to court for access, but it was the baby girl, and she was very young, and after a while he gave up. Both dads are in different areas - she moved here when her second relationship broke down, so think the distances are considerable...

Anyway, she is clearly on the war path, and has been busy today, as she has already emailed the school (copying DH in) to say that she is withdrawing DS and DD from tomorrow and can they refund any fee due to DH... perhaps I can use it to treat myself to a new handbag

DH hasn't really said anything about how he feels about it or what he will do... but DD is still up, and don't want her upset, so will try and have a proper chat once she is in bed...

Happy days!

'But if a man bonds with chidlren from age 1 to 3 and then leaves you of course have to expect he will do the same to you when you have children with him so many women avoid such men like the plague if they have sense.'

Says it all really.

WWC - don't let him give in to her manipulation!! Perhaps Xales, she should have started to look for a job/retraining sooner rather than being happy to live off of an ex? Why do some women think that having a child by a man entitles them to be looked after for the rest of their lives with no responsibility at all for themselves?

Xales - she could do lots of things if she wanted to. Her kids are 13 and 15 for goodness sake so she should have time when they are at school to retrain even if it is a distance learning course at home. An ILA fund would help pay for it and she could get some benefits.

I'm not convinced that she's being left destitute at all

WWC - if she wants to take her kids out of school at such a crucial time for them then thats very very but totally her decision. your DH has done what he can to facilitate their education and she's throwing it all away out of spite. silly lady, silly silly lady. poor poor DC

expat, whilst I agree he wouldn't be an ideal candidate lets err on the side of optimism and hope that the relationship between the OP and her DH works out nicely

Xales - ahhh, I see... it's always women who haven't made their own money, who will always suggest that marriage is a partnership and a mum's contribution to raising the children and running the house is equal to a £200K a year job... However, given in this case, they weren't married, and they weren't even his kids, I think you are pushing it a fair bit!

The crux of your argument seems to be that having a lot makes you very spoilt. Fair enough - but instead of thinking about how much she is used to, perhaps you need to think about how very hard most parents work to make ends meet. People lose their jobs every day, or their husbands leave them, or one spouse gets ill or a child gets sick and mum needs to work less... Yes, crap happens - but most people just deal with it. I have no sympathy for my DH's ex's hysteria...

If you feel insecure - sorry, it just sounds like you do.... perhaps you ought to use the 35 weeks a year that your son is in school to equip you with some skills to get some sort of paid employment should the need arise?

If not, you would have the same options as DH's ex - she can claim IS, council tax benefit etc.

The ex doesn't have any children with the man concerned and is very very lucky in my opinon that he is happy to continue to look on them as his and to finish paying for their education.

Of course she should have started looking for something or retraining. It is not so easy for well trained recently unemployed people to find employment right now (unfortunately I know first hand.) I have no idea what an ILA is, she may be unaware of anything that she could get to help or be entitled too either.

People don't always think sensibly when their relationship break down, althought 2 years down the line she should be in a better place and should be looking at this. It doesn't help her immediate situation of you can stay in my house for £1 and funding anything else right now though.

As I mentioned before she may be thinking she spent 10 years helping him become a mega earner and is really pissed off that someone else is now reaping the benefit of that almost instantly he left her. Would he have had that house that she is in now if she hadn't been helping somehow?

Like I said it doesn't excuse any abuse, it is not logical or sensible and doesn't help anyone but maybe from other angles more understandable.

The thing is that if she were in receipt of benefit then she would be supported in her return to work,she maybe would have been encouraged to develop any interests she had and possibly strengthen the abilities she already had,the state would not be supporting her as her ex partner has.

What she really needs to do is build a life of her own instead of channeling all her ill feelings towards the OP, if the house is hers for £1 a month until the youngest reaches 18 she has 5 years to get her act together.

lol

Marriage IS a partnership or it should be. It doesn't matter if 1 partner goes to work, both or neither (although permanent unemployment is another subject).

I was employed up until August when the company I worked for went under. Guess what!! I have been living on my savings since then while I am registered with agencies, got through many websites and have been interviewed for a few positions since then.

Talking to a friend of mine where they have serveral 100 applicants for a post. There is a lot of competition out there right now and the agencies I am registered with have all be very honest with me about the chances of part-time hours in the current climate.

All I was trying to do was give a different point of view of maybe the ex partners position.

Please don't potshot psychology my inferiority.

Mind you with some of that spelling perhaps I can see why I have not been sucessful >

Xales, I fully understand what you mean however for those wishing to find out how to retrain/work there are very easy ways to find out. am pretty sure one of her DC has the internet and could sit down and show her where to look.

ILA - independant Learning Account which gives £200 a year towards courses depending on income, sometimes more, sometimes less. I've managed to do distance learning marketing course and my elementary food hygiene on it

she has a lovely big house, she could train as a CM and be self employed

I thought Xales made some very good points. The deal might look incredibly generous from your dh's point of view, but be totally unworkable from his ex's. And they might both be right. It is a real pity that mediation isn't possible in these circumstances, because this would seem to be a situation when it is really needed.

Personally I would hate not to work (but I am the earner in our household so no choice there), but if you are in a long term relationship with a big earner and your earnings would be paltry you might well think it is a bit pointless. There have been threads here where a number of people have said that was how things were for them.

Starting work can be very daunting, especially at the moment. Now of course I'd say that she was shortsighted, and that total dependency is very unwise, especially without any legal recourse if things go tits up, as they have here but its a bit late for that. In some ways if this makes her build a new life for herself and her children where she is not dependent on her ex then in some ways good for her. The abuse and contact issues notwithstanding of course.

Thanks for explaining dizzy and grats on your courses (-:

I have been thinking of retraining as a plumber as that is where all the money seems to be if the one I had out is anything to go by! They can pretty much dictate their own hours too, am a little bored with accounts after 20 years doing it right now.

I don't think the ex has the desire to retrain to be honest was just offering a different point of view.

So what should the cut off point be? should they give her 6 months more of support for her to get a job and then cut the money off is she still hasn't got one? or a year? or have they in fact got to that point already and are still being generous with their offer to her? She is not their responsibility anymore, not 2 years down the line.

I don't think she does either which is a shame, doesn't give the kids much to aspire to does it?

I looked on the learndirect website and they were full of helpful tips if thats any use to you?

Xales - he had the house when she first met him - he was already getting on and highly successful. It is hard to see how someone moving in with 2 kids and living off him helped his career.

I do take the argument that if the woman makes all the career sacrifice to raise the kids, then it is totally fair to share the marital pot, as raising children is a shared endeavour. BUT they weren't married and they weren't his kids.

LF - I agree that looking after children is hard work, however it is the same hard work whether your H earns £15K or £200K... If DH had been a tyre fitter instead of a high earner, and they had been married, the courts would divided the pot on the basis of need, but no one would say her support helped him become a better tyre fitter. That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I shoved the figures into www. Entitledto.co.uk and it says she is entitled to £242 per week, which includes all her council tax/water bills and ironically, the £1 rent. lol So she wouuldn't starve.

But she wouldnt' need to... I mean anyone with half a brain would find ones to work with the situation - CM is a good idea - she could also sub-let a room or take in foreign students.

acat unfortunately I don't know what the answer is. It is just a very sad situation and the losers are the children. /-:

can i just mention that the ex moved in with op`s dh - "moved in with him" - that implies he already had the house,the big income ect.
they have been split for years , what exactly has the ex done to improve her situation? nothing.

xales the losers are the children , - butthat is their mothers fault. she has done nothing to benefit them , except land herself a richer bloke for 10 years. where is the womans self respect? .why couldnt she have kept a job herself ? part-time one or two days a week at least would have kept her in the way of it.i understand why she didnt when her kiddies where little , but they are teenagers , and have been at school for most of the past 10 years.
just incase your reading this ops dhs ex - get a frigging job you lasy fecker!

£7k on credit cards for shoes and handbags From someone you are no longer in a relationship with? There's someone with no pride and a sense of entitlement.

I really don't understand that mentality. It's just alien to me.

I think that your DH is being more than fair with regard to the children. And they are the only ones who count.

If their mother is determined to think of herself over and above her children, and your husband has no parental responsibility in law, then he's banging his head against a brick wall.

It doesn't sound as though he wants to walk away from the children, though.

So, is there any feasible way that she could be persuaded into a mediation situation?

eaudevie - im actually wondering what the ex was like when she was with Washs husband....i have a sneaking suspicion that she was living a wag-type lifestyle complete with out of control spending habits that was funded by mr Wash. i have a mental picture of awful "designer" clothes and too much make-up and overprocessed hair.bet shes had surgery too.

What do the children want? Age 13 and 15 they will have some say in whether or not they see him if mum is willing to let them see him. If they decide they don't want to see him there's little this guy can do. At 13 and 15 he can also explain his suggestions to the children.
On the one hand I don't favour involving children in arguments between 2 adults, but on the other hand this guy has no legal redress to get contact with these kids, they are both now teenagers the eldest would be soon an adult here in Scotland and able to live with him if she wished from 16 and if the mum is going to tell her side of the story to them he could put his side and make them aware he has offered to pay school fees until 18 and offer rent for £1 until youngest 18.
The kids could then put pressure on their mum not to cut off her nose to spite her face but to actually think of him.

What do the children want? Age 13 and 15 they will have some say in whether or not they see him if mum is willing to let them see him. If they decide they don't want to see him there's little this guy can do. At 13 and 15 he can also explain his suggestions to the children.
On the one hand I don't favour involving children in arguments between 2 adults, but on the other hand this guy has no legal redress to get contact with these kids, they are both now teenagers the eldest would be soon an adult here in Scotland and able to live with him if she wished from 16 and if the mum is going to tell her side of the story to them he could put his side and make them aware he has offered to pay school fees until 18 and offer rent for £1 until youngest 18.
The kids could then put pressure on their mum not to cut off her nose to spite her face but to actually think of them.