Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 10/01/2010 21:09

So what really matters is simply the legal position. I think you said he wasn't married to her which makes a massive difference and he is married to you.

That means she cannot claim for herself any maintenance for life whatsoever. Is the house in joint names? As there were no children of the marriage if the house is just in his name then he might well be able to oust her entirely without a penny. However the chidlren he seems to have taken on as children of the family which I think means he has to continue to support them and probably pay their school fees etc and I expect house them. Whether you're male or female always avoid a partner with children already unless you cannot find anyone without and are desperate. It rarely pays off.

2rebecca · 10/01/2010 21:10

Would also stress that he should tell them he loves them and thinks of them as his kids.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 21:19

Xenia - i disagree with . i think the issue should be avoid cocklodgers and golddiggers.... Some people who already have kids make wonderful , loving loyal partners that bring as much to a relationship as what they gain from it.
Also there is a reason that marriage is deemed more important than co-habiting .In the eyes of the law a spouse has a legal entitlement for support for themselves and any children of the marriage. co-habiting does not provide these rights.
This is why the op`s husband has no legal requrement to give his ex , a house , school fees or even £1 for a pint of milk.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 21:26

"children of the marriage" - any child who is born during the marriage of its parents or previously to the parents that have later married or children of the persons who have married .(just so you all are clear on what i mean )

EightiesChick · 10/01/2010 21:45

OP,
I haven't read this whole thread but I do just want to comment on the one bit I've seen mentioned more than once now - which is your repeated point that 'they're not his kids'. I have to say, if they don't know their biological fathers, and if he was in their lives from the ages of 1 and 3, and if while with their mother he has been like a father to them, been called daddy etc, then he is their father, in my book. It's just not ethically possible to make that distinction, though I am aware that of course legally it's a different matter. But you will be having your own baby with him very soon. If your marriage should go wrong in the future (and unlike others, I really don't wish that on you) then what would you want him to do for your son/daughter - what he was legally compelled to, or what was right to do and what a loving dad would want to do for his children? You know the answer.

I really think that, whatever else has gone on or what bad behaviour you have got from any of the 'old family', you should not go back to this point about them not being his kids as moral justification for anything you do or that you want him to do. They are his kids in every way that matters and they deserve to be treated as if they are biologically his.

I do hope you can work this out - it sounds like a horrible situation for everyone - and can have some peace when your baby arrives.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 21:51

Xenia - it is his house in his sole name, and always has been. The legal position is that he has no responsibity or obligations to the children. Children can become "children of the family" but that is only teh case where a spouse is married to the parent.

Sol advises that the eviction process to get her out of the house is the same as evicting a squatter - not that DH wanted to do that. It would take a few months.

He is not obligated to pay her any money, or hte children's school fees. He was just doing it to help them.

OP posts:
Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 21:52

oophs drlove8 had already posted this....

OP posts:
Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 21:58

EightiesChick - I think you are being a bit unfair. DH has not walked away from these children, and I have done everything to assist him in continuing a relationship with them.

They aren't his kids - that means he can't get an access agreement - he can't choose their school. It does matter you know - it's not just a technical hitch. The only person who is saying he isn't allowed to see them is his EX. I have never said that, despite having my happy home (which is also my 3 yr old DD's home) disrupted beyond all measure.

But if you want to think about the rights of the children - perhaps you could also think about my DD. My home is her home too... her only home, and how do you think she feels to have to share it with an aggressive couple of rude teenagers who swear, blaspheme and spit at her mother and make everyone unhappy?

OP posts:
drloves8 · 10/01/2010 22:33

Wash , im afraid theres a bit of" baying for blood" going on just now. people tend to read their own situations into a thread , and there is a lot of mums here who have blended families (stepkids, own kids, new man, new wife, ow ect), and i think they are venting on how they'd feel if their man spilt and left ...then started a new relationship shortly after and married .
please dont let it upset you .
im actually finding it a bit at the amount of people who think your DH`s ex is entitled to anything from your DH (& you). she isnt , neither is her children.
they are her children , she is responsible for them , not your dh. Just because they lived together for 10 years doent give her the same rights as a wife /mother of his child. People may not like it, but id bet that those who dont have not married their long term partners.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 22:38

there is a child who goes to school with my ds2 (10yrs)- he has a new daddy every year, sometimes 2 a year depending on how quick his mum goes through them. most of them live with her at some point. which one should pay her rent and provide for her son? perhaps all the "dads" should club together and buy a house for them?the last "dad" was -23- years old. the woman has a 25yr old daughter btw.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 10/01/2010 22:41

Yes, of course you are right... I am also thinking aloud really. I am getting increasingly worried about the effect on DD. She is 3 1/2 now - when it all started 2 years ago, she was really a baby, so a lot of the silly stuff went over her head. However, now she is a smart cookie and soaking it all up like a sponge.

She has also started saying "shit" - as 13 yr old is going through some sort of manic weird angry phase and thinks it is super cool to ask quetions like "Can we discuss in an adult way why mum says you're a slapper?" etc.. It would be funny (in a sad sort of way) if a preschooler saying shite and slapper wasn't so disconcerting....

But anyway, my approach has always been to totally go with DH's lead, as I think up until now it has been an issue that mainly affect it... but it looks like ex is so greedy and mad that she is going to bugger off just to spite him - which tbh, sounds like it might be best all round - as her children can hardly be benefiting from all the angst and drama!

Thanks for your support drlove - much apprecaited... at least someone here is half sane

OP posts:
Olifin · 10/01/2010 22:47

If you are in your last month of pregnancy, you are probably a bit tired and hormonal, to be honest.

gaelicsheep · 10/01/2010 22:47

WWC - people in your position (and my position - thankfully problems now in the past) are always going to be the bad guys on Mumsnet. There's nothing we can do about it. The longer this conversation goes on - and I'm glad it does, it's interesting - the more people are going to pile in to kick you when you're down. It's the way it works on here I'm afraid. I banged my head against a brick wall for many months before giving up, taking a long break and changing name.

By the way, my 3 1/2 DS has recently started saying "bloody" everything. Something to do with Mummy being home for 3 weeks.

Judy1234 · 10/01/2010 22:48

Ah so if an unmarried step parent cannot take on and have legal obligations to a chidl of the family and the children act doesn't apply and therefore you could render the mother and children homeless then as it's a house in his name one option is he moves back in or he finds 4 large male cousins to move in possession being 9/10ths of the law and that might be faster than a court order and perfectly legal too whilst giving her a reasonable deadline to move out.

Still a lot to take on a man in that position but love is very blind I suppose.

The swearing well anyone with age gaps in the family has that - we've a 10 year one between the 3 older and youngest (all same father and family) but anyway it's his problem, his relationships and his money; just as long as you pay your way and don't depend on male earnings I will be satisfied.(I don't rest until women don't take a penny ever from men)

dizzydixies · 10/01/2010 22:59

Xenia - your point re 'taking on the man in that position' is really not helpful or constructive

the 'taken on man' is her current DH with whom she is about to have a baby. Lets wish them all the luck in the world with their baby and marriage seeing as they've had a rocky/troubled start due to the interfering exP rather than using personal past experiences to cast ridiclious presumptions that only time can prove/disprove

the OP sounds sensible enough to realise that being self reliant guarantees her security but lets hope it never gets to that stage

you really have been sucked dry of the 'happy ever after' gene haven't you

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 23:07

well Wash im not half sane , im being driven half insane by the harpies who think its ok for a woman to bleed a man dry -just because she has kids..which is really whats going on here.Xena is so right , a woman should never ever take money from a man, but instead be an equal partner to him providing for herself and her children , he should provide for himself and his children.everything they do together(house buying, car purchases, bill paying, investments,pensions ect) should be treated as purely a business transaction , where both parties are very clear on what it means and what they will gain /lose from it. take the "love" side of the relationship out of these things and things would be much clearer and less of a tangle to sort out if things go wrong. And always , always have a back up plan ladies, never surender your carear for a man`s.... get a nanny if possible or work equal hours. keep yourself in the loop.
women who take from a man ,just because they live with them have no self respect imo.

drloves8 · 10/01/2010 23:24

Wash i re-read your post from today about the exs reaction to your DHs proposed financial agreement for her. Given her reaction , i think probably the best thing to do would be gradually spend less time with her kids,Theres not much you can do otherwise, this woman will continue to be a PITA until your dh stops her. If she carries out her "threat" to move , then shes her own problem.

EightiesChick · 10/01/2010 23:36

Wash, as I said, I hadn't read the whole thread, so I'm sure there is stuff I don't know - didn't know you had a DD already for one. I do sympathise and I know this must be hard on her. Again, I may have missed this being discussed already (sorry but it's 15 pages now) but has your DH discussed all this with a solicitor to see exactly what his rights/best options would be? I gather from the other posts at the end that his ex is being unreasonable. I don't have that much sympathy for her, just the kids, even if they are being horrible at the moment. Does your DH stand up for you when they make nasty comments like the ones you mention above?

Original poster
WashwithCare · 11/01/2010 00:06

Thanks - eightieschick - have just come out and belatedly admitted that both DH and I are sols.. lol

BF phoned earlier to say ex has withdraw dd from all her dance clases...so looks like she is really going.... how crazy is that!

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 11/01/2010 00:14

WWC - looks like you don't need people like me sticking up for you then? I thought you were standing your ground amazingly well against the onslought. Even I'd have given up by now I reckon.

drloves8 · 11/01/2010 00:14

does your bestfriend know the x?

Original poster
WashwithCare · 11/01/2010 00:20

Thanks for your support gs - can't get my head round the wierd stuff pple believe here....

By acquaintance only drloves - they both have 13 year olds and are doing the same tap class... both DDs were there this morning and ex's dd has told everyone she is going tomorrow, and mum has withdrawn her from class

This is so mad... basically she got h's proposal - whihc is a good offer, I think - and within about 10 mins starting deconstructing her life... will she really go - who knows?

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 11/01/2010 00:22

Oh, half of 'em are hairy truckers anyway.

drloves8 · 11/01/2010 00:27

Wash if she does go, it will be her choice. yes it will be an "end of an era" , and your DH may well need extra support as he will miss all of them (even the crazy ex).But i really think ,its a bluff on her part.a bit like she did with the schools previously.

drloves8 · 11/01/2010 00:29

Gaelicsheep is that bruce been up to no good again? (bruce the hairy trucker)