Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DH choose between us and old family?

589 replies

WashwithCare · 08/01/2010 21:39

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
wubblybubbly · 09/01/2010 20:35

Drloves, you may think it is silly or inappropriate for stepfather to take on the role of father, as may the OP and many other folk, however, it seems the DH does not. Morals are a personal matter. If the DH sees the children as his and wants to fully support them emotionally and financially until the day he dies, that is his choice. The OP had the choice not to take on the situation in the first place if she didn't agree.

My Dad was brought up by a man who wasn't his biological father and called him Dad all of his life. Ditto my husband. Neither had biological fathers around, my own Dad never even knew who his biological father was. They both loved their 'Dad' very much and could never consider another man could take their place.

I do sypmathise with the OP with regards to the treatment she is receiving from the XP and DC, difficult at the best of times, let alone at 8 months pregnant. Ultimately though, she did know the situation before she got married and got pregnant.

I think there's plenty of good advice on here on how to tackle the XP whilst maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with the DC. If the OP and her DH could support each other in doing this then I think their relationship will be stronger as a result.

nipscouldcutglass · 09/01/2010 20:52

YABVU. If you do give the ultimatum I really hope he drops you and heads for the hills.

Original poster
WashwithCare · 09/01/2010 20:56

Thanks for all the more replies... just catching up with them....

I don't understand what people mean when they suggest DH should open a bank a/c and pay children directly. They are only 13 and 15.

Their mother has no means of support. She hasn't worked in over a decade, and doesn't claim any benefits. This would only work, if the children bought her grocies, and paid for the electric... presumably this isn't what anyone is suggesting?

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 20:56

Oh FGS go read the thread.

OP, I wish MN could shut this one down for you. I think there's a case for it when more and more people keep piling in to the witch hunt. Not fair at all.

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 20:58

well we have the OP's version that the DC are "abusive", what is abusive when levelled at a 13 and a 15 year old??
Are they normal troubled distressed teens desperately reaching for attention, my guess, the OP has already showed herself jaw droppingly lacking in any empathy, care or consideration for these children, maybe they sense that poor kids

macdoodle · 09/01/2010 20:58

not

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:00

I understand your point wubbly, and i can understand why you have posted what you have . the OP`s DH is not a stepfather to the kids though,he was not married to his ex and is no longer with the ex.
The fact he still wants to be involved with them is a credit to him, but he should insit that they behave themselves and the op should not get abuse.
But , if the kids own biological dads where around i doubt the ex would let him be involved at all.

gaelicsheep · 09/01/2010 21:00

WWC - it's completely unacceptable that your DH is supporting his ex. The children is one thing and it's commendable of him that he's doing it, but the ex needs to find her own source of income pretty smartish and stop sponging off you both. It's interesting though, isn't it, that if the children were your DH's then every arm of the law would be saying that you had to provide for all their mother's needs & wants as well. Thank God you're not in that position!

expatinscotland · 09/01/2010 21:03

Why on Earth did you get involved with a man with so much baggage?

I'd have run a mile!

nickschick · 09/01/2010 21:04

Well surely its not just the ops dh that is funding the womans existence?? I would think that she maybe claims some state benefit as even a superhigh earner would find it hard to accomodate another families total expenditure?

I myself got flamed on a thread involving step families my points were misread and i felt very sad that some posters were quite unfair to me.

Tbh i can see washwithcares points but i feel its down to her dh to work through some action plan with his ex....i think the children are being typical teens .....

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:07

Screaming at the op and stealing from the family , when shes pregnant - id call that abuse. Has no one thought about the stress of all this affecting the ops unborn baby?

Just1LittleLady · 09/01/2010 21:08

YABU but you are also hormonal, emotional and wanting to make sure your little bundle has the best arrival into the world.
Unfortunately your situation was never going to be simple but just remember how important the kids are to DH and how important your bumps siblings will be to him/her.
Things will eventually calm down and you'll be thankful you stuck with it xx

nickschick · 09/01/2010 21:09

I feel very sorry for the OP and think we should help her.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:14

so do i nickschick , op has been overtly understanding towards her dhs ex`s family imo.
most women would have set boundries very quickly .its all very well being kind and giving to someone because of past loyalties and good nature , but getting the piss taken out of you is quite something else.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:16

lets face it , if the ex was a man , everyone would be calling the ex a cocklodger.

acatcalledfidget · 09/01/2010 21:17

:-) no op, not an account for the kids to buy their own food, but rather a fund for them for later in life {uni etc}. That way your DH is not supporting the exP fully and she will have to take more financial responsibility for herself and her family, at the same time DH isn't withdrawing his support for the DC.

acatcalledfidget · 09/01/2010 21:19

oh and nickschick i'm sorry but spitting at a woman is not being a 'typical teen'....surely?!?

nickschick · 09/01/2010 21:21

No I dont think it is,i missed that bit sorry , but if i were to play devils advocate id say these teens feel perhaps a little threatened with a new baby coming and the way their own mother is reacting towards the op- so they arent being given positive influences.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:22

the fact she the ex wont work ( her kids are teenagers ffs) speaks volumes.
If she works , dh wont feel obligated to help....i suspect this arrangement came about because he didnt want to leave her penniless with children ....so helped her on a tempoary basis, and had the intention it would stop once the ex got sorted....but she just didnt get sorted.

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:23

am i right wash?

acatcalledfidget · 09/01/2010 21:24

Definitely I'd agree with that, I think that is why a routine and firm boundaries need to be put in place by DH.

wubblybubbly · 09/01/2010 21:27

WWC can your DH not set up some sort of trust for the DC, which is managed by either himself or some independent trustee, which can then pay out school fees and other expenses surrounding the childrens upbringing?

The children are old enough to understand, if told, what has been done for them financially by your DH and the XP can't stir them up by lying.

As to providing a roof over their head, is it possible to formalise a legalally binding contract allowing the DC to live in the house until they reach a specified age, at which point it will be sold and the proceeds used for ........ whatever your DH choses I suppose?

Again the DC are old enough to understand what is being provided for them and the XP can't pretend that your DH is a hideous man who's walked out on them and is threatening to throw them on the streets.

That might go someway to dealing with the issues the DC have and may help to pave the way towards improving the relationship between you all.

The emotional support and contact side is more difficult, as I suppose he has no legal rights. Perhaps as part of the financial agreement he and his XP could come to some sort of amicable agreement that isn't related to threatening to cut off his financial support of the DC. Such threats would really only be counter productive as it may appear that he is trying to buy the DC's affection rather than really wanting to provide for their future.

As for the XP, she'll have to either sign on for benefits or get work to cover her own living expenses. She sounds unreasonable from what you've said and she probably is bitter, but perhaps your DH setting out legally exactly what he wants to do for the DC may help reduce the tension? It's a start anyway and, as you say, money isn't really a issue for you and DH, so it's got to be worth a try surely?

drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:31

without a doubt , boundaries are exactly whats needed.
but there really is two issues that need delt with .
the ex and the money is one.(imo it should stop)
the teenagers is another.( no reason why they cant still be around providing they learn to behave)

Original poster
WashwithCare · 09/01/2010 21:36

Hi everyone - thanks for all the replies, esp to drloves8 and thanks nickschick... I'm a big girl, and I don't mind people saying negative stuff, as it helps me understand where my H's ex might be coming from!

Anyway... had a break through in sorting it out with DH. Sat down this pm and had a heart to heart... He had noticed how much it was getting to me (though I have never said anything directly until this pm), and unbeknowst to me he had been talking to his accountant and sol to sort out a plan...

So this is the deal....

  1. He has put house in the hands of property solicitors/letting agents - they will offer ex the chance to rent it at nominal rent of £1 a month. They will do all the property management stuff, and we will only have contact with the agents - not her, the tenant. This is great, as to date, ex frequently calls to "discuss" repairs, things she isn't satisfied etc... They will do all this - and she will be able to rent house for £1 a month until youngest is 18. Then they will insist on vacant occupation.
  1. He has set up a trust fund of £100K for the education of children - it has enough money to cover school fees to 18, equipment, trips etc.. and possibly some money over for Uni. The trustees are to be the ex, our accountant and sol. We will have nothing to do with it, but the money can only be used for DCs educaiton. DH will step out of any decisions he has no real say in, such as parent's evenings, but will obviously go to anything he is invited to, like a school play or fencing match.
  1. All other financial support will stop.
  1. DH will continue to invite DC to supper every Wednesday (our standard practice) but for the forseeable future, this will not be at our home, but an exciting trip out with him on his own - to a restaurant they choose. This is mainly so they can have some quality time togehter alone. If they don't want to come, or just one of them, that will be fine.
  1. We have set out a contact schedule for the year - with a w/e visit for every other week and some family hols. If they are not allowed to come or don't want to come that is fine - but we will not offer alt dates, as we need to have some surety around personal time for us too... Our arrangments are also pretty complex, as my DD visits her Dad too.

DH had already worked this list up, and just wanted to run it by me. I feel really relieved...

Just as an aside, I googled how many step parents keep in touch with kdis, and couldn't find anything - but I did find out that about a 1/3 of Natural Fathers who are Married to the Mother permanently lose contact with their children when they split. I thought this was really shocking!

OP posts:
drloves8 · 09/01/2010 21:38

your dh hs provides private education for the two children of his ex at £18k a year , for ten years ..... thats £180k .(assuming he continues until they are 16 yrs old)
He provides a home , for them too.And she doesnt work .
ex-p has done very well out that relationship..