To make DH choose between us and old family?

[WashwithCare]

DH previously had a 10 yr living together relationship with a woman who already had 2 kids from 2 different dads. Children were 1 and 3 when she moved in with DH. They do not see their own fathers and call DH dad.

DH left his ex when we met (bit of a whirl wind romance) and 6 mths later, we married. I'm expected our first baby this month.

DH tried to be reasonable, and let his ex-gf stay in his house. He is a super high earner, and also paid child support at well above CSA rates, and more besides. HIs ex is always demanding more money, despite the fact that he is not he kid's father, and they weren't married.

Last 2 years have been a nightmare re his old family. His ex turns up screaming on teh door step, kids scream abuse at me - and oldest has now started stealing stuff from our house. Contact is patchy, and mum either changes arrangemetn at last minute, so expensive hols, show tickets etc are lost or literally dumps the kids on our doorstep.

She hasn't worked in years, and has made no attempt to train or find work.

I have had enough. I am seriously considering telling DH (and I do love him so much) that it't either them or me.. Unless he evicts them from his house, has no further contact and stops any more payments, I will walk!

Am I being unreasonable?

op, I really hope this work out for you and all of the children involved. You have done nothing to deserve the bashing you've had on here {even if - your wording was wrong on your op- wtf?!} or the abuse you are getting from the exp. Boundaries and routine is what the kids need, they may then be able to start to settle down and accept things as they are e.g. alternate weekends a few days in the holidays. Whilst this is happening DH needs to make it very clear to DC that they are in your home they are there with your rules {which obviously need to be fair and made clear to them}. Cash wise, i think perhaps halving what he gives her and putting the other half into an account for the DC would be a good idea. He is still providing for them, but not her. As for school fee's if she threatens to take them out of school, let her, tell her if she plays that game again then the money offer will be withdrawn, it's up to her then. DH needs to start to be very firm with her and stop letting her behavior impact on your life. Good luck!

Hmmmmm lots of backtracking, as I read it, you H worked with you, moved out, then asked you out?? So good on him , and I guess strictly speaking you are not the "OW"!
However, I very very very much suspect the XP and "XDC" think you are/were!
How honest was your H to her, did he say "we need some space blah blah blah", or did he say "its over, I want to be with someone else, I'm leaving you"! Again I very much suspect the first, I dont know many men with the moral compass to do the2nd!

This goes a long way to discuss her bitterness and anger, and maybe (just a suggestion) you could actually try and understand where at least the DC are coming from, you dont seem to want to though!

In your mind, you and your new baby (and your DD I assume even though she too is not his) are his family now, and the rest can just bugger off!

Still sounds pretty selfish and nasty to me
I could tell you long tales of my XH, his OW, his new family, my absolutely distraught 8yr old (who is his), my anger and bitterness (not insecurity or jealousy), and actually it took me longer than 2 years to even remotely deal with it!

We really have only heard one side of this story,I would be curious to hear the other. I know for a fact the stories my XH and his OW/GF tell about me make interesting reading, more or less based in fact, but embellished and twisted so that I look like the one to blame, the nutjob, the abusive harpy, and really I'm not!

Two sides always, and somehow the poor DC get lost in the middle

I'm always a little suspicious of threads where one of the people involved seems a little too good to be true. Not because I don't believe that someone could be so nice (lots are) but because so often it turns out that the OP has tweaked their story and in fact they are the seemingly wonderful person. They inevitably do the big 'reveal' where they say "Actually the elements of this story are true but in reality I'm the person you all thought was so wonderful!"

I must confess that the ages of the children, the evil ex who can't be bothered to work, the wonderful step-parent who does so much for those children and even the reference to the holiday reminded me very much of Bonsoir. I wondered whether this might be one of her promised 'experiments'.

If I'm wrong then I apologise to the OP for being so suspicious and hope that all of the parties involved can come to some kind of agreement.

Good luck with the remainder of the pregnancy, WashWithCare.

macdoodle, whatever the circumstances of the start of the relationship, does this mean that it is ok to spit at and verbally abuse op? Should she put up with that with understanding? or should we stop excusing peoples behavior because of the things that have happened to them? Is it not the responsibility of the Mother AND the step mother to ensure that despite their feelings the children are in a stable place with parents who can communicate without playing games. This seems to be the issue that the op needs help with as it is this that seems to have driven her to feel so awful.

We only ever get to hear one side of the story on any thread on here, macdoodle. Any thread in relationships, step-parenting, lone-parenting, AIBU etc are all the poster's perception of things or version of events.

I agree with everything you've said acatcalledfidget. And I don't think she actually wants the "old" family to bugger off, it sounds like she's totally fed up with sustained hostility over a long period, and who wouldn't be?

Your ex bathed these kids, read them stories, played with them, and disciplined them for 10 years. Surely when he got involved with this ex he realised HE made a commitment. You don't understand this, because you weren't around at the start of THEIR relationship.

It will all settle down over time - but honestly 2 years is nothing. The whole point of being there for kids is NOT to walk away when things get tough.

Surely he got something out of the previous relationship too? He must have enjoyed being with the ex - they must have had good times too? Did she help him so he could go on and become the high earner. He loved her and loved her kids.

Now he loves you - but if he is decent at all he will always love the kids. They are effectively his!

Is that what you do, wash away the kids as if they are some greasy stain on your life?

I do hope you give it some more thought - maybe you need to find a way of detaching and letting him deal with it.

2 years is no time. You were married, you got pregnant.

Personally, if it were me in your situation, I would not want to raise a child in that environment either.

I think there are only 2 options:

1. Tell your DH to grow some balls and stick up to his ex partner, they are not his children and he should not be paying for them. Have her move out of his house.

1. You leave him and raise the child alone. Not the best scenario, but better than being miserable and facing all the hostility.

I would absolutely not put up with this.

Like many before me have said, this should have been sorted before/when you were married and definately ground rules need to be set.

My uncle raised 2 children that were my aunts from a previous marriage - from 2 and 4 I think, to 10 and 12. When she dumped him for another man, he never saw the kids again or had to pay money for them.

MrsRigby and was your uncle happy with that? If he was - he wasn't a terribly nice person.

To the OP - it sounds like your DH views the dc's as his and I totally understand it must be very frustrating that he has to pay for them but not have any parental rights.

If I were you - I'd do whatever possible to pay off the mother - she was with him for a long time after all. I'd also continue to provide for the children for as long as you would provide for yours - so I personally would help with university costs etc.

Your DH should then explain all of this to them but make it clear that he will not tolerate bad behaviour/rudeness to you. He loves them and wants to see them though.

He's a better person than my aunt.

It's just the way things go.

When I last saw him, I asked him had he seen the children recently and he said no and seemed a bit sad.

Maybe this is why stealing others peoples men and taking on their baggage is a bad idea

Wow OP seems like such a nice person Ditch the children or else... Yes, they are not his but he still cares about them and IT's HIS MONEY, I bet if OP had other children she'd want them supported too wouldn't she???

actually Strictly its their money , they are legaly married . why dont they go the whole hog and support the kids of all their ex- partners/boyfriends/girlfriends?

no one steals anyone's man that is fatalistic dribble.wwc dh wasnt compelled or forced.he obviously left for his own reasons.leaving an adult is different to leaving children,which is why imo he should maintain contact and some support (extent to be decided by him)

YABU I have no sympathy for people who have affairs with married men/women. So many are so bitter about the desserted or left behind family. i agree with whoever said see how you feel when he abandons you and your DC (he pretty much will if he is the type) for some new person.

I can see why he left his partner for you Washwithcare, you're just lovely

ive never known a bloke to remain in contact with ex- notreallystepchildren. its very unusual.

Drlove... what weird world do you live in? You don't spend 10 years with children and walk out and never see them again

I agree kitty. If I were with a man who had sole custody of his children and we raised them together for a decade, you can bet your boots I'd consider them mine and want to remain in contact with them!

Maybe DH needs to have strict talk w/them, i.e. "I love the DC and am more than happy to spend time with them and support them, but they cannot abuse my wife."

My DH still sees his UNCLE, the man who was married to his biological Aunt even though they are now divorced. He says the man was his Uncle for 15 years so why should it suddenly stop?!

Oh and DrLove what a silly comment about all the ex's and children being supported. How many 10 year relationships with children do most people have? This is a one off, the man has invested time, money and love in these children and I admire him for that.

The DH is the only dad the DC have known and has been parenting them for all the life they can rememeber.Your DH moves out (having already had feelings for you-you later revealed) and immediately starts a relationship with you.Of course they are seeing you as the the OW !! Even if you weren't shagging before he left he must have been pretty sure of youir feelings for him to leave his old family.
If your DH is is such a super high earner then his ex put her career on the back burner and devoted herself to being a SAHM. She didn't know your DH was going to bugger off and leave her.
I am a bit sick of your DH being painted as some sort of saint.

If it were a woman who came on here and said she had raised 2 children with her ExH for 10 years, loved them like her own and had them call her Mummy and now her new husband was telling her to ditch them everyone would be absolutely appalled!

I think it is a horrible double standard just to assume a man can ditch children he has loved for a decade when a woman would be given sympathy for being put in such a position.

He loves them and to even suggest ditching them shows that the OP doesn't really understand him at all.

strictlykatty , silly comment - yes , it was. But its silly for the op and her dh to be investing time and money on children who are not theirs , either by genetics or by law. Morally , they are kind people who are putting the kids in a position they would not be in otherwise , private school fees £18k....and are getting abuse.
How many of you would do this?
i think everyman who fathers children has a responsibility to help bring those kids up , and be involved in their lives in a positive role until the day he dies. Step- fathers do not , they can be good back-up for the parents....but it is different.(regardless of how much they love them or not)

drlove i totally see your point.

madamemercati , ex was a stay at home mum because she had 2 children, the fact that she was with the ops now husband is neither here nor there, she might have had a job during that time for all we know. we also do not know <span class="italic">why</span> the ops dh split from his ex. please stop the assumptions.

"you dont spend 10 years with children and walk out and never see them again,"
really? . there are lots of biological dads who have done just that.
doesnt make it right though.