To feel depressed that exW took DSSs to Miami

[Bonsoir]

for a fortnight at Christmas and for them to have come back having gained a huge new Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe and 4kgs apiece?

crumpet are the children actually now overweight though, or have they just put on weight?

Under 9 stone for a 15 year old male doesn't sound overweight to me, but I don't know how tall they are.

"DP's mother, who saw exW this weekend, says she is enormous, and DSS1 calls his mother "Jumbo" because of her big a*,"

No, not a judgmental woman at all is she.....

I think you need to send them to therapy if they are in tears at their weight at their age.

There could be a bit of cultural misunderstanding here - notwithstanding the fact that Bonsoir is British.

My ILs and their friends - Italian - do talk about weight a lot more than their British counterparts - and they do mention gained/lost kili here and there. I think that people are more weight conscious in Italy and France (though perhaps that's merely my experience of my ILs).

I'm certain that my SIL and DH would have been quite self-conscious about their own weight in their teens without any prompting from their parents.

By way of cultural example, when my SIL was pregnant, the doctors were quite insistent about her not putting on much weight - they were really rather strict. Nothing like this exists in the UK.

"DSS2 is much more likely to feel upset about what his peers say to him.."

Don't you think that your attitude to weight could be possibly feeding the fears of a child who may be already at risk of getting an eating disorder?

I guess that I would be trying to reassure him that the weight will go on its own very soon and that he doesn't look fat. Rather than reinforcing his fears and putting more emphasis in his appearance.

This is such a common scenario isn't it esp if you read the stepparenting boards and one that is played out in my own life quite frequently.

( I am the loon/slack exw btw )

Exw is constantly criticised as being a crap parent by exh and his new p or w joins in - because you would have to rationalise his point of view if you were with them and have also fallen victim to his controlling ways.

IMO and in my own situation its because my exh is a control freak who is paranoid about weight and appearance and has met a likeminded woman.

I had a similar thing yesterday met exh and he was moaning about ds2 weight (he is 8) - I suspect they weight him. They have certainly made comments to him and he is put on a 'regime' when he is with them. Certain foods are demonised and he is questioned on what he has eaten when with me. I've trained him to say 'organic bean stew' LOL

I simply do not agree with dieting and think this approach will give him issues if he hasn't already.
he says that not being thin is the worst possible thing that could happen to a child. Or if they are not wearing Boden (well not quite that bad but comments are made if they are in leisurewear)

DS1 incidentally is skinny as a rake.

Bet she thinks that you and dh are a smug and controlling right pair, Bonsoir.

Crumpet it's because of the "someone has to deal with it" attitude. You get back from a holiday/christmas having put on a few pounds - a scenario I think many of us can identify with - and you get "oh your weight gain is a problem, now it's us that will have to fix it". It's OK to be a bit annoyed with the ex-wife if she's messed with an agreement. It's not OK to make the poor DSC miserable about their weight and give them issues.

seconded fanjolina. V upsetting.

Bonsoir sometimes teenagers, esp boys, put on weight because they are about to have a growth spurt. It does sound like they have probably eaten more and exercised less than usual, but maybe they are both about to shoot up.

see my earlier post onebatmother (11:26:04). I have seen the HORRIFIC ramifications of such parental obsession. In fact I may have to leave this thread now as it is too upsetting.

Bloody hell - you are as mad as a box of frogs - weighing your 15 year old SC when they comes back off holiday - it will only be a matter of time before they tell you right where to fuck off - as they should.

Of course the kids were upset, knowing they had to face you two loons and be humiliated by being weighed.... no wonder the poor kids were in tears.

Tulpe - no, Dh's mother is not judgmental at all huh! (pft)

Now, thinking of that... I remember my exMIL and exSil, who are very mediterranean commenting on my weight and how much I ate... I always put it to the side thinking that I was eating that much because I was at least a foot taller than them.

Now, I always thought they were so short because they were underfed while growing up.

It is bollocks though isn't it.

Come on, the boys are French, living in a city where appearance etc is a big issue, and they are reappearing after the holidays over half a stone heavier - it won't be Bonsoir who's the issue it will be their peers.

Crumpet - she's not pissed off because because they've put on weight and she and DP will have to deal with it, she's simply pissed off that the Ex-W is still in their lives full stop. I've never heard anyone sound so bitter as she does.

4kg is rather a lot - nearly 9lbs. I wouldn't want to make the DSS paranoid about it, but I too would worry if children in my care put on that much weight in 2 weeks.

And FWIW, I'm a little about the attitude which says you have to put on weight over the festive period, that it's inevitable. Why? The resultant misery and dieting in the New Year is horrid.

To hark back to my ILs: the festive season in Italy doesn't seem to result in quite the same pigging-out as it does here. I've never put on a lb when I've spent Christmas in Italy - although that may be because I don't much like roast boar...

Erm, don't normal teenagers put on weight because of, like, growing? Or is Bonsoir aiming for the Sarkozi look with them?

Seeing as Bonsoir has shared so many of her DSS' personal details already I really would like to know how tall DS1 is. Perhaps he put the weight on while he is away because he is kept on a strict diet at home.

Yes, 4kilos is a fair amount but if he's still a healthy weight I can hardly see that it matters.

blimey Anna, congratulations on taking your obsession with weight to a startling new extreme.

Would be v. entertaining if you weren't taking it out on your poor stepchildren. Hope you are saving up for the therapy they may well need from being exposed to the warped attitudes of you and your dh.

Imagine, a 15yo boy weighing a massive nine stone! You'll be telling me you saw an adult woman who clearly wouldn't fit into a size zero next... amazing that they allow these people out in public, really.

How the fuck is it negligent parenting to take them on holiday where they had a good time?

They're her children, don't see what the problem is. Doesn't sound like they were in any danger, and they probably had a whale of a time. Nothing to get depressed about. YABU.

""DP could get full residency of the DSSs in court (easily) as exW's negligent parenting is well-documented. TBH he will probably need to wave that threat in front of her in the near future to get her to toe the line a bit""

My God how nasty are you!!!!

I suspect it is because the situation wasn't controlled and monitored closely by Bonsoir, SoupDragon

Jesus Anna you have excelled yourself this time.

I find it hard to believe you are real - but sadly suspect you are which is even worse.

ps: if they've truly managed to put on 4kg in a couple of weeks then they were probably underweight/underfed to start with and their little bodies just grabbed all the calories they could. Rather reminds me of the time we had a 15.9 yr old French girl to stay with us in Canada for two months. She hadn't started her periods yet (probably due to being excessively thin), and after eating normally for her height and age for over months, her mother told her she was a fat pig and made her diet back to [skeletal]. I still don't know if she's started her periods, but I guess that she must have (she's 21 now)