To feel depressed that exW took DSSs to Miami

[Bonsoir]

for a fortnight at Christmas and for them to have come back having gained a huge new Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe and 4kgs apiece?

If you think it is normal behaviour to take two teenagers out of the shower and plonk them on the scales the moment you get back from holiday then you have a seriously warped approach to weight. A teenager's self-confidence is paper thin and you and your DH are stamping all over his children's. IMO

Blah blah blah - it's her money, she can do what she likes with it. Are you forgetting that your "dp" is their father, he is actually responsible for paying money for his kids?

Ans surely, if you hate the ex as much as you appear to, you'd be happy that these kids are screwing her for as much cash as they can possibly get

Of course we are unhappy to have to do this! But if the DSSs' mother hadn't been so careless in the first place, we wouldn't have to deal with the fall out.

Teenagers' self-confidence is of course very fragile but I cannot see why helping them to lose weight is going to be worse than letting them stay overweight.

If you have agreed on maintenance payments how your partner's ex spends her money is none of your business.

I swing from feeling sorry for you, I was in a mentally painful relationship that sounds like yours and I acted very much like you to thinking that you are making this up.

Ahh but therein lies the issue - you are not helping them to loose weight, it seems like you are enforcing this regime.

But, I have to agree with many others I think you are probably trolling (for a very extended period of time albeit).

Self-confidence and self-esteem is developed by positive, caring parents (and step-parents, carers, etc.) NOT by making your children weigh themselves in front of you.

Bonkers.

p.s. I think it's nice that there's a big fraternal bond between the brothers. They've both gained 4kg each - it's almost like it was planned that way...

I'm not sure that how much junk I fed my kids I could be guaranteed they would both increase their weights by exactly the same amount!

bugger - I meant "lose"

Self-confidence and self-esteem derive from competence and being good at things that are valued by those around you.

Being taunted by your peers for overweight is really bad indeed for self-esteem.

And being forced into weekly weigh-ins by your father and his harriden are real confidence boosters.

DSS2 adores his father and confides in him. He knows his father will never, ever let him down.

I think there's a difference between "knows" and "thinks" there Anna. I thought a lot of things when I was 12, but I'm goddamn sure a whole lot of them weren't Gospel.

Are teenage boys really going to notice the addition of half a stone or so to the point where they take the piss?

Bonsoir, I think you're overstressing yourself about this. Regardless of your views on weight, what the French are like, blah blah blah you are causing yourself unnecessary mental hassle. Their mother is the way she is, she isn't going to change and she's never going to be out of your life so you might as well accept that. Half a stone will be burnt off by active teenage boys very quickly. If you are bothered about DSS being bothered, then the best thing to do is not mention it too much, just quietly give them nutritious low-fat food and make sure they get exercise. Problem solved.

Maybe we should do a step-children swap, my dd3 is skinny slim, perhaps I could send her to you for some fashion tips (so she will finally burn those awful jeggings) and I could slim down your dss with a housework and gardening exercise plan??

Competence? Being good at losing weight then, according to your rules?

Bollocks. I work with teenagers and the main boost they can get is having someone who they know is behind them, backing them, helping them and believing in them.

Not encouraging them to change themselves.

Obviously, if these boys were hugely overweight it would be a different matter, but please, 4kg in two weeks is perfectly normal for a holiday. Especially in a country like the USA where food is available everywhere and the quantities are enormous.

He has ample evidence of DP's care and reliability. Honestly, DSS2 is fine with the weigh-ins - it's the excess weight that makes him unhappy. Once he has lost the first kilo he'll be so much happier, because he knows that DP and he together will ensure he reaches his target.

I find it hard to imagine how Anna's dp swung from a lazy, incompetent fishwife to a slim, organised, fit Anna...just goes to show how fickle men can be eh??

If you are real, and I doubt that, the best thing you can do for your step children is to build a relationship with their mother.

My dd is slim, beautiful, clever, popular talented, confident but the thing I am most proud of is that her father and I stopped bickering and scoring points and worked together to parent her when our relationship was over.

Should you really be using the word "ample" - I mean it probably has negative connetations for you Anna.

Any chance your dp will be popping across to England this year, I could really do with a control freak helpful hand to lose some weight?

Well of course we're pissed off with their mother - they spend two full weeks in her "care" and come back in a right state! And it happens again and again - as DP sometimes says, it's one step forward (here), one step back (there) and we feel like we are endlessly treading water! Very tiring and frustrating and boring. I'd much rather not have to worry about picking up pieces but just about moving forward.

Twinset - I whole heartedly agree. I may not agree with the various things that have arisen between dsds and their mum, but I have a chatty relationship with her (and have even braved a few family parties) to ensure a healthly relationship between all parties.

Why don't you do family weigh-ins, ScottishBoris? Once a week, with a chart on the kitchen wall for all to see - keep you in check

I suspect ( although again I think you are making this up) that one step back simply means not doing things your way.

My ex husband does not parent in exactly the same way as me, although we have been adult enough to work togther on the basics ( which does not mean one person telling the other what they should do). I would not dream of criticising or undermining him in the way you are.