To feel depressed that exW took DSSs to Miami

[Bonsoir]

for a fortnight at Christmas and for them to have come back having gained a huge new Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe and 4kgs apiece?

It's the quantity that's tacky. I rather like A&F for the boys - DP and I often buy them something from A&F when we are travelling. One or two things, appropriate for their life here in Paris. Not a whole suitcase full for some fantasy life on the beach!

Aaah Bonsoir - you really shouldn't make assumptions - I am an Anglophone but not English

Bonsoir - stepmother to stepmother you are quite clearly barking mad....

TBH it never crossed my mind to worry what other people were thinking about my stepparenting - I was far too busy in action to worry about others! And I'm not a great worrier about other people's opinions anyway - I live in such a multi-cultural environment and people's priorities are so different that it's not worth bothering with.

However, I do worry not about favouritism but about equality of opportunity. DD has had so many more opportunities than the boys already, at the same age, and their mother is pretty intent on ensuring they never ever leave her, so doesn't push for opportunities for travel and education in the way we do.

If he was already overweight anyway, his distress would therefore be a long term mindset surely? It's fairly certain that Bonsoir and her charmless DP would not have tolerated an overweight child by any account. On that basis, I think it's fair to say that it is the reaction of his father and Bonsoir which has caused this poor boy to feel distressed.

Shame on you and your DP, OP. You are laying the foundations for a very worrying future for all three of your DC's. Like many others, I'm really hoping this is some sort of wind up. Alas, I fear it's genuine.

Can't they keep the clothes at their mother's house? Problem solved

I just don't believe that it 'never crossed your mind'. What points to it for me is the way you brought up quite early on that your DP's lawyer thinks you are the ideal stepfamily, and you said a couple of pages back that everyone thinks you're a great stepmother. So you obviously do think about it a bit, it would be odd if you didn't.

But it's the way you pick on completely weird/irrelevant things to bug you that makes it look like competitiveness - like the amount of clothes she bought them.

It matters to me that DCs are bought $1,000+ of clothing that they will hardly wear (because it is weather inappropriate and they will probably have grown out of it before they need it again this summer - they are both growing fast). They already think that money grows on trees. I recycled a bunch of Diesel and A&F clothes that DSS1 had literally worn once last spring and had grown out of by autumn - such a waste of money and such terrible values to give children.

I think about it now because I get lots of positive feedback and comments - but we are many years down the line. I'm not nearly as busy in action as I was four years ago, for example.

Brahms - I bet Monsieur Bonsoir's lawyer says that! Probably thinks they're the funniest thing s/he's seen in years!

I think you have an eating disorder anna but I'm sure you know that already

So if he had grown out of the clothes, then he must have needed summer clothes for this trip? Maybe that is why she bought the stuff, and like you, she may have felt that it would have been wasteful to throw them out after a few wears?

Your DSS could Ebay the clothes once they have grown out of them. It could teach them a valuable lesson regarding money.

I think it is so revealing that posters on here project eating disorders on people who have good nutritional knowledge and no issues with food and maintaining a healthy weight.

It's as easy as learning to read and write to maintain a healthy weight ie it takes years of practise, helped by your entourage (parents, school).

So she bought them clothes that they will grow out of without wearing much - that was a bit silly. But it's not a waste of your money. Don't worry about it. I know what you mean about values, but it's going to be that significant to them overall.

I once got in a massive (silent) piss about the amount DP did for the boys, especially one particular thing. When the eldest was applying for uni, DP pretty much wrote his personal statement for him, which the kid looked over once before submitting. It just annoyed me so much! There was loads of stuff like that, and I thought it was giving them everything too easy. But then I thought, oh so what? I'm not going to bring my kids up like that, and that's what matters.

Hmm, can kinda of understand Bonsoir's irritation here ( although not the weigh ins or diets for active children).

I had what I thought was a perfectly reasonable conversation with my perfectably reasonable SIL yesterday, who was feeling rather peeved with her exH . Her dd has just returned from holidays (in france actually) with her ( french) dad, with a suitcase full of designer gear and a good few extra pounds.
So far, so similar.

Now SIL is not remotely worried abut the weight gain but her DD is down about it. My DN is involved in competive riding and no doubt will tone up pretty quickly but atm she's crying about the fact she can't zip up her jeans.
I think most teenagers, boys and girls, are image conscious, even if they come form a home where a healthly body image message is promoted.

SIL, however, has not put her DD on a diet or weighted her - it wouldn't occur to her. She IS critical of the fact that her DD eats total crap only when her ex is in charge though and three weeks of it isn't great from a health POV.

egarding the designer gear, well, unreasonably you might think, she's not too happy about that either. The chances of DN wearing a Chloe dress while she mucks out the stables is pretty remote. A nice treat certainly but SIL feels she would prefer if her rather feckless and inconsistent ex ocassionally contributed to the practical costs of parenting and bought his daughter something she actually needs.

The clothes that I recycled last time were Spring/Autumn, not summer clothes - they were bought before the summer.

I have absolutely no problem with buying nice clothes for the children - just not excessive amounts of expensive stuff they'll never wear out.

We donate, we don't sell old clothes. Just a family choice.

Bonsoir?

Great thread - entertained me all day but need to get to bed now!

Why would you care - it's not your money [hmmm]?

I really don't understand what your issue is. My dsd's wear plently of clothes that I think are hideoous and cost the earth, but at the end of the day if I'm not paying for them and they make the girls happy then so what?

Anna you really need a new mantra, I would suggest "Life's too short".

Well, I think it does matter and it makes a difference to our family because at the end of the day DP contributes much more financially to the boys' education than their mother does (or will do in future). So we want them to learn to spend their money wisely.

Obviously if she wants to throw her money away there's nothing we can do about it, but I'd rather she didn't do it so visibly in front of the boys.

Yes Bonsoir, everyone else is wrong and you're right, and it's purely a cultural difference....