To feel depressed that exW took DSSs to Miami

[Bonsoir]

for a fortnight at Christmas and for them to have come back having gained a huge new Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe and 4kgs apiece?

Well here's a suggestion - why don't you let your inner scientest out and see what would happen if St Anna didn't step into the breach and pick up the pieces?

I'm pretty sure the world would keep turning.

I could do the weekly weigh-ins, but the pead at the hospital does all that for dd2...

"I'd much rather not have to worry about picking up pieces but just about moving forward."

And this is why you're going to drive yourself mental. Can't you just be content with maintaining balance, instead of getting better and better all the time? It's never going to be perfect. Despite how dreadful their mother is (iyo) aren't they fine in general? It's getting to the point, now they're older, when they will start making choices for themselves, and some of those choices may not be yours. Some may in fact be closer to their mother;s. That is what happens with children, you can't perfect every aspect of their personality to your satisfaction.

Maybe if you stopped trying to control every aspect of their lives you would be less tired and bored?

Does the rod up your arse have a rod up its arse?

Inevitably there is going to be different parenting that is perfectly compatible, complementary even. But there can also be different parenting that is just undoing the good work done in one household. Both goes on in this family. But sometimes the undoing sort gets too much for us.

And I've just had my kitchen replaced - I'm sure a chart on the wall would definetly not be "de rigueur" according to Paris standards!!

Too much for you...really??? I'm going to love hearing your posts in 10 years time with a teenage dd to contend with

Life is all about moving forward. Staying still isn't an option until you reach your coffin, frankly. Bringing up children is all about getting them to move ahead. There are still years to go until they are financially independent (won't happen until they are 25 in France and have done the sort of studies their brains equip them for). So no, staying still - not possible.

Well if that is the case Bonsoir why did your partner marry and have two children with such an awful woman. At some point he must have been in agreement with his ex wife?
Why are you with him? Have you saved him?

Bonsoir, it's been awesome (much better than the cr*p on Sky). Please post some more of your "Anna-isms" on step-parenting so that I can read up and be a better step-mother to my three.

Thanks, in wakeful anticipation, SB xx

Like lots of people in France he got married young, straight from home, to someone from a similar background (school, religion, studies etc). No character analysis or living together to check for compatibility or anything modern like that. Obviously most of those marriages fail a few years down the line, once the parties have had the time to mature a bit.

But he did not just marry someone he had two children with her. The pair of you seem to think this woman is close to neglecting these children. He chose to have children with this woman , if she is as bad as you are making out he is as guilty as her and I would certainly not be building my life with him or having more children with him.

Unless of course she is not as bad as you make out in which case you all need to be working together rather than bickering and scoring points of each other. This is selfish and willingly fucking up a child's life which is quite unforgivable.

Either way noone comes out very well, unless of course you are making this all up.

Obviously I'm not suggesting you stay totally static, but always trying to 'improve' people is so exhausting, and usually futile. You're going to have to let them take it into their own hands soon. I'm sure they'll be fine.

dittany! Thank fuck. Can you please do that thin does not automatically = healthy thing you did on that thread about the DP saying things the other week?

Anna, you sound as though you are a thoughtful, caring, involved step-mother to me.

I could give you myriad reasons why you are getting this reception, but I suspect you have already worked them out for yourself.

I hope that your stepson gets back into the swing of things and loses the weight, because it is healthy for him and for his self-image.

I appreciate that for many parents any comment on weight issues is anathema,
and that seems to go hand-in-hand with some sort of nonsense about appreciating 'curves' (fat) or whatever the equivalent for boys is, but the reality is less comforting, as even a cursory glance at the dangers of obesity would confirm.

How tall are the two boys?

ok, leaving aside the weight issue - we have often commented how anna is, perhaps, a little rigorous about this -
there are LOADS of threads from mums, moaning that the exh just gives the kids crap, lets them eat what they want, lets them stay up late etc and that the kids are stroppy when they return.

those threads always seem to get a lot of support.

NOW a one-off holiday really won't make a big difference to their lives, but if 50% of the time, they are given endless indulgence, but they are also trying to be quite serious sports people, then it IS a problem.

there should be some acceptance of different parenting styles, but that doesn't mean that the other parents have to like it. i think 'depressed' is a bit strong, but wouldn't you be fed up, thinking that for the rest of jan there MUSt be only healthy dinners, no treats at all, and that you have to help them get homework done, cos they didn't get anything done over christmas, and if you want to buy something nice for them in the sales, they'll just chuck into a huge pile of new clothes?
PLENTY of single mums would moan if their exh had done this. being a step mum doesn't make someone automatically wrong, being the actual mum doesn't make her right, either. a little more tolerance on both sides would be good, but that's the boring answer to almost ALL threads, isn't it?

Bonsoir, am sure you have their best intentions in mind but am a bit uneasy at the idea that you may consciously or not undermine your DP's ex in the eyes of her children.

Am not disputing that you may have higher standards/better parenting skills than her and that your DP is completely over his tacky "milieu" of origin ( upgraded sentier I presume?) but she's their mother after all.

Sorry to be so blunt, whilst I completely understand where you are coming from, am just worried you may convey your dislike/disapproval of their mother by making this a big issue?

I guess step parenting is as much about picking up the piece as moving them forward. There is no way around their mother being part of their life.

I think that all of this troll-calling of Bonsoir is out-of-order. Perhaps because I am extremely familiar the social milieu she lives in (DH is French, and many of our friends seem to be the same sort of Parisians that Bonsoir lives and socializes with).

It IS considered bad parenting in this circle to feed your children junk food. Here is an example: I was behind a mother and daughter in the cafe queue at the club we belong to (which has a large French membership). The daughter (about 8) wanted to order sausages and chips for lunch. The mother went on a tirade about how sausages as chips were disgusting, not real food, horrible for you, etc. The daughter caved in and meekly, to the satisfaction of the mum, said she would order a Salade Nicoise.

People ARE very conscious of weight and "la ligne". One of the reasons people were proud of Segolene Royal was because they had a candidate for President who was a middle aged mum who still looked fabulous in a bikini. Also, do people not recall the whole furore about Rachida Dati? She is hardly unusual in these circles (the slimness so soon after birth, not the jumping back FT into work at 10 days post C-section).

Another thing to keep in mind. Recently published results of an ongoing study on childhood obesity here in the UK found that parents were totally clueless if their child was overweight or not, also children who were overweight as kids in general ended up as overweight adults. I don't think it does children any good to brush aside any kind of weight gain. I think this has partially to do with parents themselves being overweight - it normalises being overweight and skews people's perception of normal weight.

HOWEVER, I also think it is counterproductive to make it such a focus with Weight Watcher style weigh ins. Probably better to just ever-so-slightly adjust diet and exercise without the child realising what is going on. Diets don't work - especially quick-loss ones

I also understand the annoyance Anna has with the suitcase full of relatively costly unsuitable (seasonally, not style wise as she has iterated and re-iterated) from someone who doesn't seem to be doing much towards the practical raising of her own kids. It probably just symbolises this woman's parenting style in Anna's eyes - which sounds more like a grandparent's style rather than a mum's (however, this might be due to the fact that this is all she feels she CAN contribute).

The rest, I can't comment on as I am not as familiar with her posts as other people.

As a step mum myself I absolutely relate to the swimming against the tide of poor parenting. With the boys being 12 and 15 I assume you have already had years of this. So I do understand your frustration.
I have no doubt that the weight stuff is cultural, thus the overreaction of the mostly british posters on this thread.
However annoying it is, I would say two things are true of holidaying in the US.
Weight gain
Buying cheap clothes
For the first the boys will no doubt drop a few kilos quickly with healthy eating and exercise, so not really a problem.
As for the clothes, just box them and store them away for the summer. If they are too small by them just donate them.
btw why are the clothes at your home anyway?
DSD has two sets of clothes, at both her homes.