To feel depressed that exW took DSSs to Miami

[Bonsoir]

for a fortnight at Christmas and for them to have come back having gained a huge new Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe and 4kgs apiece?

I'd be changing Paed toute de suite if I was her!

It's hardly anyone's life long ambition to be a stepmother! But I am a very good and responsible one, and have done a lot with and for my DSSs.

Brahms -because (a sweeping generalisation, tongue in cheek) they are all self-obsessed (except my dashingly handsome DH of course!)

How odd then, Brahms, for you to have posted so much about weight on this thread. I very rarely (never, even) post on threads about topics I find uninteresting - chicken keeping, for example. Or embroidery. Oh no, have posted there, so uninteresting

Personally I think body weight is eternally fascinating and most of the Western world does do, judging by the media!

Who says you are good?

Everyone around me - DP's cousins, friends etc. No, really, I am an exemplary stepmother! We all get on very well and the boys are doing brilliantly at school and in their outside activities, and they and DD adore one another - all the parents at DD's birthday party commented on it.

Yeah, I'm self-obsessed as well but I don't inflict it on other people.

FWIW Bonsoir, it sounds to me like you are trying to do too much for your DSSs. It's admirable to support them, but it sounds like you are trying to be the ultimate force in their lives. Most stepmothers in my experience (and I have, sort of, been one) obviously don't want to damage the children in anyway, but neither do they get too 'involved'. Sometimes both my DP and his wife wanted to parents their kids a certain way, and it grated on me. But I just had to accept that, really, it wasn't to do with me and to butt out. Making things into a competition is pointless.

OK, don't literally blow raspberries on his tummy - just be accepting of it.

bonsoir's post mentioned the clothes first. That tells you something about what's really important to her.

Oh come on, there is a mass of hysteria on this thread about weight (as I knew there would be...) and not much about clothes (and, contrary to what you say, I didn't say I didn't like them because I do, there are just too many of them and God only know exactly where they are going to wear them in Northern European winter).

No, obviously, if something is completely alien to you it is fascinating even if, in reality, it's not interesting. I'm interested in this particular e.g. because I genuinely don't understand it. But it's not a way I would live my life and I don't understand it as a national culture, as you've portrayed it.

Keep telling yourself that, bonsoir...

Brahms - when children live with you 50% of the time you do actually have to do quite a lot for them. And when their own mother doesn't "do" basics, only fun, inevitably you end up doing a lot of basics. I never imagined it would be like this - it's just how it's panned out. And remember, DP has three children and he desperately wants all three to have equivalent educational opportunities in life, which I entirely concur with - I am somewhat haunted by the idea that the DSSs will turn around in ten years' time and complain that they got a raw deal compared to DD.

Seriously Bonsoir - why do you think the 12 yr old is so anxious about his weight? You say he is deeply distressed by gaining half a stone and is so desperate to lose it?

I have a dc of a similar age, but whose obsessions in life fall in different areas....manchester utd / match attax cards / xbox etc

Usual 12 year old stuff, no?

My DSS2 would be bored stupid by football and cards etc. Quite liked computer games, but has basically grown out of them now.

He minds about his weight because he looks fat and he knows it. He's no fool.

I really don't think there is hysteria about weight - the concerns raised are more about your DP's (and yours, if you support him in it) reaction to the weight gain and the manner in which you tend to correct it.

I have no issue in you thinking the DSSs need to lose weight - we don't know them, and I will take that at face value - but weekly weigh ins and deadlines? That is too much and so very sad for the boys.

I'm not getting this then. Are you saying his weight was perfectly acceptable up until the point he went on holiday for a fortnight with his mother. And now he's so fat it's distressing him?

Jock - that was my confusion too! Unless he was already overweight before, I cannot see how 4kgs could cause such distress to a perfectly well adusted child (in fact I doubt most would even give it a second thought usually)

You see, shophappy, you are displaying the typical English fear of unravelling the taboo of overweight.

People get overweight because they eat too much of the wrong stuff and move too little. They lose weight if they eat better and less and move more. It helps people to give them deadlines and checks - just in the way it helps people at school and at work to achieve their goals. Weight is no different to any other facet of being a human.

Fair enough, my set up was never so domestic as that, and they lived with their mum most of the time anyway.

But you do sound like you are in competition, with the exW and with everyone who knows you in a way. I know what it's like, when it's a post-divorce relationship. Personally I felt like everyone was looking at us/me, waiting to see how well we would do on it, whether the kids would hate me/go off the rails. People looking out for drama basically. My reaction was basically, 'bah, whatever' and pretty much kept out. But I can imagine how easy it is to overthink everything, esp when you've had a child of your own, worrying about favouritism, being accused of being an evil stepmother etc. I think it does affect you.

BTW What happens if they don't make the weekly target or final deadline weight?

What I want to know is, is Monseiur Bonsior going to do a weekly balls check to see if the DSS's balls are getting back to normal after being squeezed to pieces in Miami? [smile}