MIL - I don't know what to do - LONG

[PoodlesandDoodles]

Sorry, name changed for this as I don't really want it to be found.

My MIL and I have an odd relationship - I'm not particularly worldly or glam but she has lived in the same tiny village all her life and has a very narrow world view so she sees me as completely wild and quite scary (I have lived in London, been to universtiy etc). She was also very confined to her own home for years as she was the sole carer for her (very demanding) disabled husband.

Her husband died in February 2009 and she has been a little more outgoing since - however years and years of being worn down by her DH has shattered her confidence, she suffers badly from anxiety and she refuses to drive outwith a few routes from her own house.

We invited her to spend Christmas Day with us, however because of the road conditions (NE Scotland) she ended up arriving on the 24th (when she could get a lift in from someone else) and staying until the 26th (when my DH took her home). TBH I think that would have happened anyway - despite the roads - when we initially invited her for the day her initial reaction was that there would be no buses and she became very anxious about driving. However (I feel) that we really don't have room for her to stay without disrupting our children a lot and tbh I was really upset by the very late change to the Christmas arrangements.

I'm 38 weeks pg and, for Christmas, my DH (who understandably defends his Mum a lot) insisted that she would be a great boon to the family, would help out lots, would mean I was so much more relaxed, she'd be able to tidy all the places in our house that I've not been able to keep on top of etc etc - this actually WASN'T the case - as she has visited our home so very very rarely she wasn't comfortable, she was very anxious and didn't help out at all (didn't offer, I felt I couldn't directly ask her to do things, she didn't even offer to make a cup of tea). In the end I had to joke (to my Mum, not my DH) that her specific brand of helping me seemed to be in her "warming the sofa" abilities.

Now, I'm booked in for a c-section in 8 days time but I obviously could go into labour at any point from now on. My Mum is coming back today from a trip to her sisters (3 hours away) but she is normally only 15 mins down the road. She helps me out a lot with the girls, drops my eldest off at school, is happy on occassions when I need her to help with pick ups etc...

However, my Dh insists that if/when things happen with this baby, his Mum must ALSO be called upon to "help". I absolutely cannot see what help she will be able to provide. She will not drive here, so cannot come in an emergency or during the night - we'd be waiting hours for her to get a bus or find someone to bring her, as oppossed to about 50 mins if she would drive. She cannot take my DDs to school or any of their activities as she won't drive and has no idea where they are (My Mum has taken her around and shown her all these places but it was obvious she was paying no attention at all).

I had 1 contraction the other day and my DH made it obvious that there was no need for my Mum to be called at all, his Mum would be adequete help and childcare etc even if that was it and I/He were out of commission for 5 days while I'm in hospital (he wants to spend as much time in the hospital as he can with myself and the baby)....

But she can't HELP. She only ever sees the girls in HER house for a few hours at the time because she simply isn;t part of their life here. She has no idea of their bedtime routine for example or what we consider acceptable meals or behaviour (one example from Christmas was that she went up to say goodnight to the girls, DD1 wasn't sleeping and my MIL sent her down the stairs to get some toys to take to her room - her new remote control car - it sounds like a really lame thing to be upset about but my Dh and I both instantly told her that was not a bedtime toy, my DD was upset, she wanted back into her own bed and her own room - MIL had been put in her bed in her room - and DD1 cried for a long long time - yes its trivial but it was un-necessary upset for her and more bed swapping) She has no idea what they do (its all written on the calendar so she would know when their activities are) but even if she knows she cannot/will not take them.

Every time she has come through to "help" she has sat on the sofa and not moved. I was admitted to hospital about 6 weeks ago with adbominal pains, she came through that day to help (my Dh had to go to work, my Mum was here looking after the girls) and my Mum says that all she did all that day was sit on the sofa and then go for the bus home.

I can absolutely understand that she wants to be closeby in order to see the baby, but I'm not happy to leave her in charge of the girls for long periods of time, and their lives are going to be disrupted enough without them missing school/playgroup etc....My poor Mum will end up doing all that herself as well as entertaining and chatting to my MIL as she warms the sofa looking anxious as she simply isn't comfortable in our home.

Anyway, most of that is all just background to my main question . I accept that she will be here while I'm in hospital and when I come home. Today I had an idea that I thought might be helpful and I've put little labels on the kitchen cupboards with what is in them, so she'll know where the plates and the tea bags, and the cups the girls use etc are. I've also put up a sheet on the cupboard explaining about DD1's snack and drink that she needs to take to school every day. However now I'm panicking that my Dh will see that as patronising - I know that she could just open all the cupboards and see what is in each of them but I also know in her previous visits she hasn't done this...if my Dh insists she is going to be here to "help" then I want to help her to do that...

But is it really patronising to do this (its NOT a big kitchen - it would take about 15 seconds to open all the cupboard doors and look in them to see what is where...)

It sounds like her being there would cause you more stress. You are the one going through giving birth, so I would think it is up to you to say who is around, based on how much they will help you and how comfortable you will feel with them being there. If I were you I would insist my mum was there and there would be no way MIL would be there as I would be warming the sofa up myself!

oh god what a nightmare (think i know you as i offered to warm your sofa instead )
Does she even want to come? sounds as though your dh wants her there more than she wants to be there. can you talk directly to her about the practicalitiues of her getting to you as the least likely to cause offence?
(i know this was technically about cupboards, but it's about so much more!!)

She sounds like very hard work, but in answer to your question - yes I think labelling the cupboards is patronising.

Has your DH ever seen her in action supposedly "helping"? I can understand that he probably doesn't want her to feel like she's being pushed out in favour of your Mum and it sounds like she's had a pretty crappy time recently, is lonely and perhaps needs to feel involved. Can you share the burdens between both your Mums somehow? And tell her exactly what you want her to do - she obviously lacks the confidence to just roll her sleeves up and join in and may just end up sitting there because she doesn't know what else to do.

TBH I really should not worry as to what is happening at home while I'm in the hospital but I do....I worry about my girls being disrupted even more, I worry about them being upset and manifesting that in strange ways that she won't be able to cope with because she doesn't know them, I worry they will be pushing boundaries that she doesn't know are there...I'm worried because she is one of these people who stems every tear with chocolate or a biscuit....I worry that my girls are going to be upset and disrupted by DH's insistance that she is here to "help" us with them...

Certainly I was a LOT more stressed over Christmas than I needed to be - we couldn't even watch TV in a relaxed way as she isn't a big TV watcher, clearly didn't want to watch what we watched (Dr Who, Gavin and Stacey) so she sat on the sofa and fretted and was anxious and never once relaxed. I have said to my Dh that she clearly isn't relaxed and comfortable here but he insists that she is and needs to be here, even though I can see that its clearly causung HER a lot of distress and anxiety too

Tbh, are you afraid of your dh, as by your post thats what is coming across.
I just tell your dh that although you know he feels a obligation to his mum, your children are both your priority, they are already familiar with your mum, and she knows your children routine, better than his mother.You want the house hold to have routine as much as possible, as a new baby added to the mix with be alot of upheaval and stress and emotional all over the place.

If you husband doesn't like it then in my opinion its tough, your the one their 24/7 and the one who will have to put the disruptive routine (which is inevitable) when the new baby arrives.

You forgot to post a question!

However, the most important thing is for you to not have to be worried about what's happening at home with your dds and dm. Just out of interest, and looking for a way around it, I wonder whether it would be 'easier' for your mother to look after your girls at her house, bringing them back only when you return - you'll have a fairly good idea when you'll be able to get back, why not arrange for both dm and mil to be there when you get there?

Its difficult with dh insisting though - but if he continues to do this, ask him what she 'helped' with over Christmas, and follow up with whether she will be of any actual help for your mother or simply another person to 'look after'. This is not the time to be trying to change things - plenty of time for that once you've got settled after the baby arrives!

You are working yourself into a state. I'd take down the stickers, wait till the baby is safely here. Then tell mil she would be welcome when you get home.

i can't see what good it will do her or you or your kids her fretting and being out of her comfort zone whilst you are in hospital. I think you need to break this down, and simplify.

it isn't the law that she has to stay the whole tiem you are in hospital. She could get public transprt to whip down and visit you when the baby is born, then just go home again. Then she could visit when you are settled back home.

Have you ever had any conversation with your MIL, or have you been so busy with your life and your own mum that she has been naturally left out?

I am picturing this sad lonely and anxious woman, on your sofa, not knowing what to do, in the home of a stranger, while you and your mum "have words" about her lack of involvement behind her back.

Sorry, it is not a pretty picture.

What have you done to involve her up to now? Or has your only involvement been in envisaging how she is NOT helping?

To me it sounds like you treat her like a deaf and dumb china doll.

I think she does want to come - I think she is as disillusioned as her son is about how much she is a help to us all - and I can understand that she would like to be nearby so she can come into the hospital to see the baby (which again she'll need lifts to because she won't drive herself so my Dh will need to bring her and take her home again whereas actually he wants to be in there fulltime...) - its not THAT big a problem as the hospital is 5 minutes drive away but its just yet another thing that she won't do for herself and actually hinders us rather than helps us...

My Mum will need to be here too but she can at least actually help - she'll be happy to take the girls to their things and pick them up and chat away to my friends about the baby and things (all my schoolyard friends will want to know) - my MIL has no idea where the school even IS and made it pretty clear the day my Mum took her there to see it that she didn't want to know either....

She's his Mum and therefore part of the family and she's also a grandma. Sounds like she hasn't had much opportunity to learn what being a grandma is about, with having to be a carer for so long. If you don't give her the chance, she'll never get the hang of it. Not letting her into your lives isn't going to do anything to increase her confidence. She probably senses that you're not happy having her around too.

Kids are amazingly resilient and a few days of distruption isn't going do them any harm. Things will be different when you bring a new baby home anyway. Why not just let her get on with it and learn from the experience? She might surprise you.

yu really really need to chill tho, no she doesn't know where the school is, but she doesn't/hasn't needed to . my ex dh doesn't either!!

subject to weather, I would say she should plan to come when you go in for your section and stay to help with DDs while your DH is an and out wiht you. As other posters have said, they will be OK with a couple of days of disruption and while she might not follow their routine, she won't let them starve. then insist that it is your mum who is around to genuinely help when you are back from hospital.

the only way she is going to be part of their life is to spend time with them. surely if you aren't around she will rise to the challenge and won't feel she's treading on someone else's toes. perhaps your husband could go through a few of the key rules with her - i used to leave a note with key times/tele numbers for my mother/MIL. children need to learn to be adaptable and that its a good thing to do to let a guest use their bed. she sounds a bit of a chore though

I have a useless MIL so I know where you are coming from. I labelled all my boys clothes drawers to help her out but still came back to find them wearing dirty or wrong sized clothes as MIL had not bothered to look.

I have tried to be nice and helpfull etc for 10 years and a recent set of events were the last straw for me. The way I now see it is I have enough to deal with, with 3 young boys and a teen foster daughter, I do not need a MIL to run around after as well. Therefore I have put my foot down and she is not welcome nor will I go there if it is going to mean it makes things difficult. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and yes it does upset DH, however I wish I had done it a long time ago, as all those years set the scene.

You will have enough to worry about without having to worry about her and your other children. Please put your foot down with DH, otherwise you will wear yourself with the effort you are making to help her and worrying whether your children will be ok. Tell DH that she needs to start pulling her weight if she wants to be involved, while no one can make her change if she truley cared then she would make the effort to.

If you start now there is still hope for her, I left it too late and my in laws will never change (in fact they are still getting worse). It is a shame as grandparents are important but if the effort does not come from them the children will notice this as they get older.

I know it's harsh but you have to put you and your children first.

Do you think that she is a bit intimidated by you and your mum? You may come across as a bit overbearing - she may be wary of asking to help. She will probably be fine if left with the children - a few chocolate biscuits isn't going to harm them. But it's your decision and if it's stressing you out then don't do it.

Well, I can understand why you would Say that Quint as I'm probably not coming across well...

I do involve her - it was myself who insisted for example that she was invited for christmas Day as I knew that neither my Dh or his brother would have had the forethought to think it would be her first Christmas alone without her DH and if we didn't get off our bottoms and invite her then she'd be alone. I knew BIL wouldn't invite her (he never has in the past despite living a lot closer than we do), so I insisted in October that we invited her so that she would know well in adnvace and wouldn;t ever think she had been forgotten about.

I also am always the one that reminds Dh that he has to think about inviting her or going to see her because its Mothers Day or her birthday etc etc

As to whether I'm scared of my DH - well there is a history to this - my Dh has Aspergers and was very very ill with a lot of MH issues when DD2 was born (all of which he has never told his mother so as not to upset her) - he has real problems with compromising and supporting me, and really cannot understand giving me some leeway or understanding because I'm pregnant. He simply wouldn't respond well to "Look, I'm pregnant, this is upsetting me and I would rather this was not the situation" as he cannot empathise with how I might be feeling - if I did bring this up it would be cause I was horrible, or a b*tch etc...

I feel so sorry for her

it was her firast xmas without her husband, she only stayed xmas eve and xmas day night and that was too long for you? and in that time you expected her to clean the places in the house you can't reach to???
does anyone clean on xmas eve and xmas day????

But still, being fair, the arrival of a new baby is stressful enough without having more to worry about - now is not the time to be stressing about how to help to integrate her into the family - its waited this long, a couple of more months won't hurt.

Its either that or working out a strategy with your mother - ie your mother takes the girls to school, 'if you could get the beds made/run the hoover around/clean ..../ clear the breakfast things, then we'll both be able to go and see new baby for an hour before lunch' sort of thing (together with the 'do you know where the hoover/cleaning things are?) sort of question. If she's there to help but won't can't do things on her own like do the school run, she can still help!

I am a fan of routines too but I don't think everyone would know that toys are sorted by category and activity - or do you label the toys as to whether they are day time or bed time toy ? If she can't help to your standards, she can't help and given her age and circumstances that might be understandable. Why should she be expected to drive you daughter to activities, or to chat away to your friends about the baby? Neither my mum or MIL do those things and until now I'd never even thought about it. Get the baby goggles off and think about other people !

Compo - I did not at any point insist on her cleaning - SHE offered on the phone to my DH and when my DH was insisting that this was all going to be OK it was HIM who insisted what a great help she would be over the festive period.

Dh upset me a huge amount actually by taking a look around the house and insisting that her help was required as this place was "a state" and needed her tidying abilities.

Could you delegate specific tasks? Is there anything she's good at? Like ironing or dusting? My ex-MIL sounds exactly like yours and I once asked her to take care of the ironing for me (when she was staying with us for 3 weeks over from NI! ). I only asked her once and suddenly she became this ironing machine for the entire time she was there, King Size duvet covers and all!

Ask your own mother to do the childcare bits like school runs, but your MIL to do other, specific tasks, that she's happy to do. (Cooking or baking? Hoovering? Dusting? Walking the dog?) Perhaps draw up a list?

The bottom line is that she's his mum and he loves her and she's not going anywhere, so you either have to figure out a way to get along with her or you and DH will continue to argue about it. Being invited somewhere is not the same as being made to feel welcome and everything you've said so far suggests that you don't like her being around - chances are she can tell you don't like her and consequently she feels uncomfortable. Making comments to your mum about her "warming your sofa" just comes across as a bit mean.

Concentrate on having your new baby and relax - it doesn't matter if things aren't done exactly as you would do them for a few days.

I think your dh is trying to involve his mum in your life, but he is not very diplomatic in doing so. He tries to make out that her help is needed, her cleaning and her tidying.

Why should it be?
Can you not just get to know her? Spend some time?

I would not be surprised if your mil was sat warming the sofa, if your mum was all hands on showing off how well SHE knows your kids and their routine....

Expecting others to help rather than trying to enjoy them and their company for who they are, is never a good way of ensuring a good relationship.

I am asking again, what have you actually DONE to make your mil comfortable in your home?

You need to work on this long term. Having both sets of grandparents involved is always a good thing. And it might be worth trying to let her be with your kids without your mum there, and without pressure to actually DO anything.

2010 said what I wanted to say, only much better!

I think your problem is with your husband, not his mother. The poor woman has had a lifetime of caring for others, has 2 sons who wouldn't even think of inviting her at Xmas, and a DIL who resents her sitting on her sofa and acting like a guest.

Poor woman.