Sorry, name changed for this as I don't really want it to be found.
My MIL and I have an odd relationship - I'm not particularly worldly or glam but she has lived in the same tiny village all her life and has a very narrow world view so she sees me as completely wild and quite scary (I have lived in London, been to universtiy etc). She was also very confined to her own home for years as she was the sole carer for her (very demanding) disabled husband.
Her husband died in February 2009 and she has been a little more outgoing since - however years and years of being worn down by her DH has shattered her confidence, she suffers badly from anxiety and she refuses to drive outwith a few routes from her own house.
We invited her to spend Christmas Day with us, however because of the road conditions (NE Scotland) she ended up arriving on the 24th (when she could get a lift in from someone else) and staying until the 26th (when my DH took her home). TBH I think that would have happened anyway - despite the roads - when we initially invited her for the day her initial reaction was that there would be no buses and she became very anxious about driving. However (I feel) that we really don't have room for her to stay without disrupting our children a lot and tbh I was really upset by the very late change to the Christmas arrangements.
I'm 38 weeks pg and, for Christmas, my DH (who understandably defends his Mum a lot) insisted that she would be a great boon to the family, would help out lots, would mean I was so much more relaxed, she'd be able to tidy all the places in our house that I've not been able to keep on top of etc etc - this actually WASN'T the case - as she has visited our home so very very rarely she wasn't comfortable, she was very anxious and didn't help out at all (didn't offer, I felt I couldn't directly ask her to do things, she didn't even offer to make a cup of tea). In the end I had to joke (to my Mum, not my DH) that her specific brand of helping me seemed to be in her "warming the sofa" abilities.
Now, I'm booked in for a c-section in 8 days time but I obviously could go into labour at any point from now on. My Mum is coming back today from a trip to her sisters (3 hours away) but she is normally only 15 mins down the road. She helps me out a lot with the girls, drops my eldest off at school, is happy on occassions when I need her to help with pick ups etc...
However, my Dh insists that if/when things happen with this baby, his Mum must ALSO be called upon to "help". I absolutely cannot see what help she will be able to provide. She will not drive here, so cannot come in an emergency or during the night - we'd be waiting hours for her to get a bus or find someone to bring her, as oppossed to about 50 mins if she would drive. She cannot take my DDs to school or any of their activities as she won't drive and has no idea where they are (My Mum has taken her around and shown her all these places but it was obvious she was paying no attention at all).
I had 1 contraction the other day and my DH made it obvious that there was no need for my Mum to be called at all, his Mum would be adequete help and childcare etc even if that was it and I/He were out of commission for 5 days while I'm in hospital (he wants to spend as much time in the hospital as he can with myself and the baby)....
But she can't HELP. She only ever sees the girls in HER house for a few hours at the time because she simply isn;t part of their life here. She has no idea of their bedtime routine for example or what we consider acceptable meals or behaviour (one example from Christmas was that she went up to say goodnight to the girls, DD1 wasn't sleeping and my MIL sent her down the stairs to get some toys to take to her room - her new remote control car - it sounds like a really lame thing to be upset about but my Dh and I both instantly told her that was not a bedtime toy, my DD was upset, she wanted back into her own bed and her own room - MIL had been put in her bed in her room - and DD1 cried for a long long time - yes its trivial but it was un-necessary upset for her and more bed swapping) She has no idea what they do (its all written on the calendar so she would know when their activities are) but even if she knows she cannot/will not take them.
Every time she has come through to "help" she has sat on the sofa and not moved. I was admitted to hospital about 6 weeks ago with adbominal pains, she came through that day to help (my Dh had to go to work, my Mum was here looking after the girls) and my Mum says that all she did all that day was sit on the sofa and then go for the bus home.
I can absolutely understand that she wants to be closeby in order to see the baby, but I'm not happy to leave her in charge of the girls for long periods of time, and their lives are going to be disrupted enough without them missing school/playgroup etc....My poor Mum will end up doing all that herself as well as entertaining and chatting to my MIL as she warms the sofa looking anxious as she simply isn't comfortable in our home.
Anyway, most of that is all just background to my main question . I accept that she will be here while I'm in hospital and when I come home. Today I had an idea that I thought might be helpful and I've put little labels on the kitchen cupboards with what is in them, so she'll know where the plates and the tea bags, and the cups the girls use etc are. I've also put up a sheet on the cupboard explaining about DD1's snack and drink that she needs to take to school every day. However now I'm panicking that my Dh will see that as patronising - I know that she could just open all the cupboards and see what is in each of them but I also know in her previous visits she hasn't done this...if my Dh insists she is going to be here to "help" then I want to help her to do that...
But is it really patronising to do this (its NOT a big kitchen - it would take about 15 seconds to open all the cupboard doors and look in them to see what is where...)