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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want photos of my dd and new dc posted on Facebook?

142 replies

mama2moo · 03/01/2010 20:23

I used to love Facebook but now there are so many people on it that I dont really like (ie dp's family) that Im starting to hate it.

MIL likes to post my photo albums to her profile.

I know its their family too but I hate the thought of strangers looking at my children.

Also, I have banned dp from telling anyone that Im in labour this time as Im sure that will posted on there.

AIBU or just hormonal?

OP posts:
ellokitty · 04/01/2010 00:29

When your DC start school (if they haven't already) will you allow their photos to be published in the local paper (you know the supplementary 'first day of school pics', or first nativity pics that so many local papers do), or will you allow their photos to be put in the paper at all? Or have/will you signed the preschool/school document banning their photo from being printed in the local rag?

If you have not / do not intend on doing this, then I'm afraid that you are being a tad hypocritical. Photos taken / used by the paper can be put on their website, sold to whoever wants to buy the photo, and seen by hundreds of people unknown to you. I think this is the clearest parallel.

If you object to having pics on facebook on grounds that strangers might see them, then logically you must also refuse to have your child's photograph taken at school, ever (For example, assemblies, sports days, the nativity as other parents may take pics and then show it on to their friends ), never allow them to have their picture taken by the paper, or ever allow any of your friends to take their photos either - because again it will be shown to their friends, but strangers to you. If you don't reject all these, but only reject photos on facebook, then I'm afraid your response is inconsistent and dare I say it, perhaps a tad hypocritical.

CybilsDrivel · 04/01/2010 07:56

ellokitty the school always asks signed permission. Whilst I'm not suggesting my SIL gets me to sign something, I happen to think its POLITE to ask someone first if they mind. PLUS its almost like she only takes pics to put them straight onto her page but thats another matter

mama2moo · 04/01/2010 08:44

I knew it would happen. MIL and dp's Auntie have linked dp's photos to their facebook account.

I think maybe for me its about them not asking and just doing it. Dp doesnt see a problem.

I am extremely hormonal at the moment though which doesnt help.

Some people honestly dont mind photos being used on facebook etc. I have friends with 50+ photo albums that have all sorts of things in them.

Hando - I actually think thats lovely that you share your photos of your dd's father. And, Im sure your family and friends appreciate it.

For me I think it is about permission, they are my photos of my dd so why should someone just post them for the world to see without asking.

OP posts:
RockBird · 04/01/2010 08:50

No mama2moo, it's about how you feel about your in laws. So why don't you address that? You are just being hypocritical about the FB photos.

RockBird · 04/01/2010 08:52

Sorry that sounds arsier than I meant it to. But it seems clear to me what the issues are here and blaming FB is silly.

mama2moo · 04/01/2010 08:52

No its not just them, if my siter or mum did it without asking I would be pissed off. I have told mum and sister not to do it and they dont but instead will ask for a copy of the photo.

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 04/01/2010 08:53

YANBU. I'm expecting DC1 and won't be uploading photos onto Facebook. I have many reasons for this, but it's mainly just because I don't want images of my child to automatically become public property (there are some issues regarding my (abusive, estranged, despicable) FIL that were raised when BIL posted pics of his baby (FIL's other grandchild) online, but that's a whole other story).

Not sure how I'll feel about school assembly/sports day, etc photos being public - I will think about that when the time comes and not worry about it for now. I suspect I'll be more sanguine (and less hormonal!) about it all by then. I guess it's slightly different for me, in that it's not strangers having the photos that bothers me, rather certain unpleasant people I know. I realise that I can't always have total control over who owns images of my child, but I'd like to exercise as much control as I can, for now at least.

Of course, my Mum will take a picture of the baby and proudly display it on her desk at work, but for me, this is not the same thing, as people can't just do 'right-click, save picture as' and then do what they like with it.

To the OP, I would suggest that you don't upload photos of your DC if you don't want people to copy them, and therefore own them. You relinquish all rights to the photos the minute you've put them on your page, so just don't do it in the first place.

I know some people think I am odd, but fortunately I have never really set much store by what people think of me! I do think that people could be a bit more 'live-and-let-live' about this subject rather than making comments such as 'You might as well cover your child's face with a paper bag when you take it out in public, then' (not quoting anyone in particular there, just a general attitude I have seen on here). It's not the same thing at all, and I don't judge others for putting their photos online, so why should I be judged for my personal choice not to?

seeker · 04/01/2010 08:58

1ust cover your children's faces with veils at all times a la Michael Jackson. Then they will never be looked at by strangers. Or anyone but their parents. It's the only way forward. As everyone knows, taking a photo of someone takes a bit of their soul away.

ooojimaflip · 04/01/2010 09:02

This comes up repeatedly. It never seems to be an issue with Facebook and always an issue with unpleasant people.

Don't be friends on Facebook with people you don't like.

If someone puts up a picture of you or your children that they took, then you have no legal right to ask them to take it down. However, it would be extremely discourteous of them not to do so. If it's a picture you took, then you own the copyright, and they are violating that by publishing it - you could possibly report them to facebook in that case.

mama2moo · 04/01/2010 09:02

I dont mind either if someone displays a photo of dd on their desk. I know MIL has photos of dd on her desk top at work that people look at.

Its just about facebook and that she doesnt bloody ask. She will ask me to email her photos which is fine.

I dont put photos on there anymore. Dp has this time and they have done it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 04/01/2010 09:03

Hando "... erm, well people claim they aren't worried because of paedophiles, so erm, well - perhaps because a photo steals a bit of their soul?"

Bugger, really? You don't think I have devalued his soul do you? I was thinking about selling it (what with him being my first born and all) for the powder blue Ferrari I saw in a showroom yesterday. Was like a little kid with my nose stuck to the glass...

Will stop all picture taking immediately. Souls are expensive! (I know this because I repeatedly sell mine to large corporations in return for money).

Morloth · 04/01/2010 09:04

mama2moo then you don't have a Facebook (or even a MIL) problem you have a DP problem and you two need to sort out some sort of middle ground.

MummyTumble · 04/01/2010 09:19

I never quite understand the problems with photos being put on fb. That's the reason i love it. Best friends and family live all round the world, it's the easiest way to keep in touch and see how they are all doing. Emailing pics was a right pain...

What difference is it from MIL sitting with her mates, and their friends, having a coffee, passing photos of her much loved family around? Or me going to a mother and baby group and showing friends etc there photos from holidays, new babies etc??

There may be 'wierdos' out there who mess about with photos online....but without sounding blase about it...how would you know they are doing this with your pics anyway?? Seems a bit paranoid to me.....Unfortunately these nutters can see you dcs in the park, in town etc.....

Jamieandhismagictorch · 04/01/2010 09:20

Morloth , Hando I see it's hard for you to understand. It is possibly not terribly logical. Perhaps I do have a soul

I do give my consent for my DCs photos to be in the paper (for Cubs etc), or for school things. I'm NOT worried about paedophiles. I know that anyone can look at my children in the street etc.

It's not even just about children. It's about having control of your life.

I choose not to be on FB because I want privacy. I don't mind my family/friends showing photos to their friends (hard copies), but I don't want some complete stranger to come up to me and tell me they have seen a photo of me on FB, because someone ELSE I don't really know put it on their FB page. I did not give consent for that.

MummyTumble · 04/01/2010 09:29

That could happen in real life...you could be at a party or on holiday, and someone takes photos which you happen to be in, and they show a hard copy to thier mates, that you don't know...what's the difference??

mama2moo · 04/01/2010 09:31

I dont have a problem with hard copies, its just when they are posted on the internet.

Its hard to explain but it makes my blood boil.

Im tempted to share dps album on my page with a snotty comment to get my point across.

Its interesting how some people agree with me and others dont see a problem. It does make me realise why they havent thought about posting the photos to their profile. I think I need to say something or get dp to.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 09:33

mama2moo - but you don't have a problem with the photos being on the internet, because you put them up there yourself. It's your dp's family doing it that irritates you. Which I think is slightly bonkers but if that is how you feel and you know your MIL is going to copy your albums to her profile, don't put your pics up there. She can't do it if you don't let her have the photos can she?

ScaredOfCows · 04/01/2010 09:37

FB is a weird one, isn't it? I think people either 'get' the FB/photos/privacy/sharing with random strangers thing, or they don't.

Personally, I think it's really annoying when people post photos of other people without their permission on FB. Not having FB doesn't stop other people putting photos of you and yours on their FB. We went to a party just before Xmas, and I heard several people saying that they couldn't wait to get the photos they had taken at the party onto FB. Not everyone wants pictures of their rat-arsed selves, splashed across FB, and not everyone can be arsed constantly avoiding the culprits cameras so that doesn't happen.

ButterPie · 04/01/2010 10:33

What about if you go on a night out and the club photographer comes round? Or you are at a gig and the photographer takes a picture of the audience? Or your kids go to another child's party? Tbh, I think you are fighting a losing battle if you want you and your kids to keep off the internet. In some ways, it isn't so nice, but in this day and age you just have to accept that these things happen.

I personally use facebook to show off my kids to friends and family, and I think it is much better that they can choose to look at my photos when they feel like it, rather than having to spend time at family do's looking through albums. My sister has an iphone and when she is with my kids she takes pictures that go straight on her profile, and all her friends comment on how cute they are

CarmenTinselPalmTreesSanDiego · 04/01/2010 10:40

YABU. Unless there are some serious security threats, there isn't really any logical reason to not allow pics up of your kids. What if the local paper takes their pic for some reason? What if they get in the background of a tourist snap that is then posted on a complete stranger's website?

It's just life really. I don't think the problem is with facebook but with your relationship with your in-laws perhaps.

yangymac · 04/01/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nigelslaterfan · 04/01/2010 11:23

YANBU

No one should post a child's photos anywhere without explicit permission of parent. Grandparents are no exception, they should ask.

I asked if I could forward a photo by email of my new nephew to my mum and s. I asked just for that out of courtesy.

It's really out of order.

I hate facebook I think it's awful.

seeker · 04/01/2010 12:13

When I was at work I had photos of my nieces, nephews and god children on the notice board in my office. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking permission to do this. Same difference, IMHO.

Pikelit · 04/01/2010 12:32

I'm always rather surprised at how globally people want to share - all over the internet - what must be nearly every moment of their dcs/dgcs' lives. I am also surprised at the indecent haste in which people will push their children to the front of any pictures I'm taking for publication. It is a shame not to be able to use the internet to share pictures amongst family though and FB is ideal for this if you get the privacy settings right.

Whilst I fundamentally think YANBU in wanting to know where pictures of your children might be ending up, I think a greater sense of proportion is necessary since paedophiles rarely get their vile images by lifting them from social networking sites. If you don't want your childrens' pictures circulated on Facebook, be firm about this at the point of capture. Tell your family that you aren't giving permission for this sort of use and, if they can't guarantee that your wishes will be respected, they don't take the picture in the first place. Only once a picture is on the memory card, you lose any effective control of it.

Actually, imho, there's far too much picture taking and not enough enjoyment of the moment so it wouldn't hurt anyone to step away from the camera occasionally.

Sassybeast · 04/01/2010 12:39

YANBU. I use Facebook to share pics of my kids with friends and family who live some distance away. I only have people on Facebook who I 'know' and have my privacy settings set so that only my friends and family can see the photos. It pisses me off when I see random pictures of random unknown children appearing - it's a bit like leaving your photo albums lying in the front garden

But i agree whole heartedly with Pikelits point about too much focus on taking pictures - rather than enjoying the moment. DH is one of the biggest culprits - drives me nuts when we have to have '5' takes of blowing the candles out on the birthday cake

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