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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that my MIL sent her 2 g-daughters differently worded xmas cards?

104 replies

RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 10:06

My MIL has 3 g-children; 2 by my DH's sister (9 & 5)and we have a 3yr DD.

My MIL favours the eldest and I'm not that bothered because my family adore our DD.

The anomalies between our DD and the other two are immense, but my MIL will always play up to how much she adores her '3' GC and my DH falls for it. There are loads of incidents I could tell you about. . .

This Xmas however, I noticed that the card she sent her 9 yr old g-daughter had beautiful words written on the front about how much she meant to her. My DDs card simply said Merry Xmas Grand-daughter.

I have never talked to my DH about the way she treats our DD differently becuse I don't want to cause trouble for him, but even though this is a simple act of different cards, it's hurt me more than the material things. Two grandaughters, buy two cards the same? I see it as a pre-meditated act and I'm hurt for my DD.

Should I feel this angry/hurt and should I tell my DH?

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 03/01/2010 10:12

Your daughter is 3 and presumably can't read yet.

MsSpentChristmas · 03/01/2010 10:16

My mums mum was a toxic parent who always chose her cousins over her and my uncles, in the end my mum now expects it and it doesn't bother her. The people she 'favoured' now have to do loads off running around after her (taking to hosp appts, etc)

What I am saying, is that if she is able to do something like this, although it may hurt at the time, at least when she is older and can see for herself she will never feel like she 'owes' your MIL

It's tough but at least your DD has your family xx

4andnotout · 03/01/2010 10:20

I would have thought that your MIL chose a card more suited to a 3 y.o than getting two rather grown up cards. I think you are being a bit pfb about it sorry.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/01/2010 10:21

I would always make sure I DIDN'T buy two cards the same as I think that would look like I was treating people as if they weren't individuals but just buying a job lot of cards. So, you may have genuine cause for concern but if you go looking for slights in this kind of behaviour you are going to have a very miserable life.

It is unfortunately the case that a GM is likely to have a stronger relationship with her first GC (I was a first GC on both sides, my DS1 is as well, and I can vouch for it across two generations). I think you should just accept that as the luck of the draw, and realise that it doesnt mean your DD isn't going to be truly and deeply loved for herself. Focus on fostering that relationship, and look for the good, not the bad, and it will go much better.

It's not what happens, it's how you react to it that determines whether it's good or bad. You see, you could alternatively view this as 'my MIL took the time and trouble to go and buy and send a special card for my DD - didn't just include her on her card to me and me DH, didn't send her a bog-standard card, but went and bought a special card which my DD can treasure for ever.'

Just as parenting books tell us to look for the good that our children do and praise it, as they will then want to do more of it, so you could focus on looking for the positive and good that your MIL does, and you, she and your DD will be much closer and happier as a result.

ImSoNotTelling · 03/01/2010 10:22

Did you see the card for the 5yo, or is the 9yo favoured over both your DD and the 5yo?

If the latter then for the 5yo TBH...

Your DD has your family, try to concentrate on them. If your PIL are weird then it's your DHs lookout really, leave it to him to notice/get pissed off. I know it is hard though.

Ivykaty44 · 03/01/2010 10:25

Oooh my mum told me grannies fav was grannies cursed... Aparently in her family there had been a few of grannies children that were fav, they all did badly in life, funny I have also seen this since so it really isn't good to be grannies fav as it could be a lifetime of misery

As your dc gets older she will reaslise but it will not really matter as she has loving parents and maternal grandparents that keep her balanced and she will never miss out really will she....

bluesparklypartydress · 03/01/2010 10:52

YANBU

It's similar in my family. My MIL has 3 grand daughters all close in age, one of which is my DD and the other two are SIL's. SIL's two always get more/better presents, also MIL will buy three diffrerent things, and DD will get the least nice, eg this year all three got scarfs, the cousins got the pink and purple ones and DD got the brown one!

DD has started to pick up on this. I feel the same as you though, my family dote on my DD and she gets lots of treats and opportunites her cousins don't get. DD does not see it this way - yet

I do think it is quite common for Grandparents to have a closer bond with their daughter's DC than their son's - not that they'd admit it!

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 10:58

I know that its not easy and you are looking at it from an adult perspective, but a 3 year old does not understand and cannot read like a 9 yo. Even if you read those words to your dd she may not understand them as much, i know that my 2.10 would not and would be really confused.

That happened with my BIL and SIL, they sent me and dh two separate christmas cards one Christmas, the dh one was really nice, thanking him for letting them stay with us and for everything he had done with Love and stuff, what about me!!!! fgs, my card was really plain, To Pigletmania From: BIL&SIL Its my house too we looked after them together not just dh

Original poster
RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 10:58

Thank you all. To those who think I am being petty, this is just the straw that broke . . .

The MIL buys the other two LOADS more toys/treats than mine, seriously, it's so unbalanced it's untrue. I've always chosen not to get het up about material things and just shrug it off. This Xmas, we all got money to buy the kids presents ourselves. On top of this, my MIL wrapped up a kitchen notebook of a sexy glittery boot (an adult or teen thing, totally inappropriate for a 3 yr old) for my DD. When we visited my SILs house on Bxing day, the other GD was thanking her Nana for the little wrap-ups that she got and got them all out. They included:

a Swarovski jewellery box
Lush soaps
dolls clothes for her doll
bracelet
books

(this was on top of the pram and doll she'd got with the money)

The 5 yr old boy got loads of cars and boys things (he doesn't miss out, his Mum sees to that)

However, it's not really the material things (although it bugs me), it's the complete lack of thought and effort that is clearly missing when thinking about my DD.

Anyway, thanks for all the funny responses, they cheered me up!

Does anyone else experience the same thing? Is it common?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 03/01/2010 11:01

Piglet - not the inlaws as well??... you're having a hard time of it aren't you!! How odd to send you and your DH separate cards?! Good job you've got us lovely lot isn't it!!

Original poster
RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 11:01

Blupartyspakleydresses - THANK YOU, it's so comforting to hear you say you experience the same thing!!! I feel like I've found a kindred spirit!

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:03

My family have always bought my oldest more for birthdays and christmas than the younger children in teh family. They do it as he is older. Sorry, but I think you are being totally unreasonable. If I were your mil I would I am sure have chosen the cards she did for the 9 year old and the 3 year old. It's a minefield clearly being a mil. Every move analysed......

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:03

Rosa, why dont you tell your dh this and as its his mum he should have a chat to her, if it was my mum doing the same thing i would be first to let her know how unhappy i am tbh. It just not fair at all, I hate it when adult favourtise its not on, its sad, immature and plays with young childrens emotions fgs especially when they are old enough to realise what is going on, thank goodness your dd is still young. It would be funny if your dd was old enough and said in a loud voice, well i only got such and such and make granny embarrassed. No its not about matrial things, its about emotions and favouritism which is WRONG.

My MIL is really sweet and make sure all her grandkids are treated equally and get same things of equal value, obviously the boy gets different things to my dd and SIL other gc who is a girl.

neolara · 03/01/2010 11:04

I would never buy the same card for neices / nephews because it would look like I couldn't be bothered to find different, individual ones. I also try very hard to think of different things to say in cards to different family members. Frankly, I think it would be a bit weird to say the same thing to each person because they are different and I have different relationships with them all.

However, I suspect that if you believed your MIL felt the same about all her grandchildren you wouldn't really be that bothered about the cards. (At least I hope not. If you did, I think that would be pretty odd.) As others have said, I think it is extrememly common that grandparents have a stronger relationship with the first grandchild. That's just life.

madamearcati · 03/01/2010 11:04

It is very common for grandparents to feel closer to their daughters' children than their sons'.Not saying it is right but it has been commented on many times before on MN

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:07

I think it's much easier to be closer to a nine year old than a 3 year old too. 3 years olds don't do very much and you can't have the same sort of conversations and responses.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:09

I know Chipping that was about 3 Christmases ago, this Christmas I recieved a lovely card from them with lovely wording so thats good, i am happy. I had a really lovely Christmas, mum stayed at her home (her choice entirely) yay so just the 3 of us, and a party at my dh's sister on New Years which was brill. My mum if she had gone would ahve said 'thank god Christmas is over' in a loud voice for all to hear like she did a couple of Christmases ago and hated all the present giving.

Thank goodness dad was alive when i was young to make Christmas special for me.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:10

Oh yes Chipping i love MN another family it is

ChippingIn · 03/01/2010 11:11

RosaRosa - yes, I've seen it before and it is horrible for a grandparent to treat GC so differently.

It would annoy me, but at the point it was noticed by my children I would be very pissed off - I would hate anyone to make them feel 'less loved/wanted/special' in that way and I would assure them that I agreed that Grandma wasn't being nice or fair, but explain it is her choice to do or buy things for other people and try to play it down for their sake - as really, other than not see her/cut contact, what can you do? As much as you might like to, you can't really 'demand' she spends her money fairly can you??

At least you are lucky enough to have your family dote on your DD as well, she will come to form her own opinion of her paternal grandmother and her aunts/cousins reactions to the unbalanced treatment.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:14

DOes the 3 year old really notice or care? Dd is 6 and has never been bothered that we and the family always spend more on her teenage brother. She isnt even aware.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:16

RosaRosa, YANBU!
My MIL totally favours her other GC. MIL has 2 sons, eldest son has 1DD and 2DS. Youngest son (my DH) has 2 BEAUTIFUL DDs (not that I'm biased or anything )!!
MIL refers to the other 3 as "The GC". When she comes to visit us, all she talks about is them!
I could tell you loads of stories, but tbh i've started to realise, she's the only one losing out. I don't want my dds to notice the difference in the way they are treated, so I keep the mil at arm's length. I believe it's starting to have a damaging effect on mil's relationship with my dh too, cos he too notices the differences.
It's very hurtful to see, i see my girls as so perfect, i can't understand why their gps don't love them just as much as we do.
We live quite a distance away from them, which probably makes a difference, but I'm only seeing this as a blessing cos my girls hopefully won't notice that they are nowhere near the top of the list.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:20

Its not about the material things it goes way down deeper than that, its a preference for one child over the other, and however much you play it down, children will notice especially when they are older and can fully understand what is going on. Its great that your family dote on her thats good, but could build up resentment on her part for her other grandma and might not be as close or distence herself away, dont let your dd see that you are upset or angry about it.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:22

It would be nice if your dh could have a word with his mother, my family is from the Med and you have to say it how it is there which is better because at least problems are out in the open not simmering and resenting.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:23

rainbowinthesky i can see why you think rosarosa IBU, you obviously have one of the golden children who are favoured and bought more at xmas etc.
you may be more sympathetic if yours were lower down in the pecking order.
you really won't understand this unless you've experienced it.

ImSoNotTelling · 03/01/2010 11:24

Oh I thought you meant that MIL had written loads of stuff about how much GC1 meant to her, but only put happy xmas on GC3 card.

If it was printed on teh card, then YABU.

The other stuff sounds bad though - but not just for your DD. You say that the 5yo gets less from his GM as well but the mum "sees to it" that he ends up with the same as his sister - can you imagine how she feel about that

Worse when siblings are treated so differently, try and take some solace from that maybe.