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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that my MIL sent her 2 g-daughters differently worded xmas cards?

104 replies

RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 10:06

My MIL has 3 g-children; 2 by my DH's sister (9 & 5)and we have a 3yr DD.

My MIL favours the eldest and I'm not that bothered because my family adore our DD.

The anomalies between our DD and the other two are immense, but my MIL will always play up to how much she adores her '3' GC and my DH falls for it. There are loads of incidents I could tell you about. . .

This Xmas however, I noticed that the card she sent her 9 yr old g-daughter had beautiful words written on the front about how much she meant to her. My DDs card simply said Merry Xmas Grand-daughter.

I have never talked to my DH about the way she treats our DD differently becuse I don't want to cause trouble for him, but even though this is a simple act of different cards, it's hurt me more than the material things. Two grandaughters, buy two cards the same? I see it as a pre-meditated act and I'm hurt for my DD.

Should I feel this angry/hurt and should I tell my DH?

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:52

I don't think we'll ever agree, pigletmania.

tatt · 03/01/2010 11:53

we have relatives who treat our children worse than others in the family and all the girls are treated worse than the boys. It's very noticeable as the children are similar ages. Yes it can be a problem when the children are old enough to notice. However I really think you are making far too much of this. The children are different ages and some people find it far easier to relate to children of a certain age. Also a 3 year old is - or should be - happy with very little. It's one reason young children are so lovely!

Children should learn to appreciate what they are given and to say thank you nicely. Also that they will not always get the same as other people and they need to be gracious about that. Help your child make a lovely card to say thanks.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:54

So those of you who disagree with me, what would you say if your ILs treated your dcs differently not just gifts, but in other ways to like the way they are around your dcs in comparison with other grandchildren that they may have, the amound of loving shown etc. Would that be right that they should different amounts of love for different gc.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:57

Yes for us adults gifts are not important but for a child, the ops dd is still young but most not all kids are material and will notice such things and can equate money with love. We are looking at this from an adult perspective not one of a child.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 12:00

Tbh if I thought a parent of a child I was buying for was going to total up the amounts I spent on various children and then decide based on this how much I loved each child I'd be tempted to spend the least on their child.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 12:02

As adults we know its not right to be materialistic and that love should not be shown by material possessions. When say for the record Auntie Mable presents us with a pair of socks for christmas we smile sweetly and say thanks thats just what i wanted even if its not, whereas kids dont react or feel the same in social situations. They just dont have the adult way of dealing with different situations or emotions.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 12:03

tatt, you are correct, young children are happy with very little. mine are happy with the boxes the toys came in!
unfortunately this does not last forever, and as they get older they will notice the differences.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 12:03

But how on earth would a 3 year old have any idea of how much was spent and then decide based on this that they were loved less? Even my teenager doesnt compare with the adult grandchildren in the family.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 12:03

Not fair on the child though rainbow to treat them differently because you disagree with their parents. Oh well we can go on about this till the cows come home, guess we will agree to disagree

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 12:04

No, it wouldn't be fair but so tempting!

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 12:05

I am talking about older children anyway, my 2.9 year old does not have a clue about presents and does prefer boxes lol, my dh bought her a Teletubbie house stuff the house my dd prefers the box.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 12:06

I did not get my dd much anyway for christmas she is only little and does not care, just got her some clubhouse books and dh got her a secondhand womble for christmas which she loves so much.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 12:08

I think the point is, if you're on the receiving end of it, you feel hurt (on behalf of your child).
Secondly, it's worrying to think how it will impact your children in the future when they are old enough to notice discrepancies.
Like I said in my previous post this will seem very silly to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

bluesparklypartydress · 03/01/2010 12:14

Foxy - that's it exacly. It's not about the material stuff - most of what MIL buys DD (and her cousins ) is tat

It's about not wanting DD to feel she is second best/less loved. It's very hurtful.

agalchchangedhername · 03/01/2010 12:22

Sympathies OP and the rest of you who have dc who are not the favourites. My dh's parents favoured his sisters dc and my parents favour my db's dc too(to a lesser degree)

Not fair and not nice for my dc who absolutely did notice as they were getting older

Although i didn't cut them off i didn't include them in the dc's lives. No invite to the school play (wouldn't have come anyway probably) ot birthday party celebrations. No school pics etc.

My elder dc have nothing to do with them now really. Not that the in-laws care lol.

The in-laws favoured gc are incidentally messed up. My db's eldest dc is also messed up.

Might not be a bad thing for your dd not to be the favoured one OP eh?

paisleyleaf · 03/01/2010 12:59

The notebook thing makes me think she doesn't really know how to relate to your 3 year old at all, and she's perhaps better with older girls.
Also, for some reason, grandmothers do seem to feel closer to the children of their daughters.
Not saying that's right. But they do seem to be more involved in the whole thing, from pregnancy onwards.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 13:25

Agalchangedhername exactly my point! Though the ops dd does not notice now she is too young, she most certainly might when she is older and might feel hurt and thinks she might mean less to them than her cousins, it might also affect her relationship with her granparents. Its not just the gift giving, it has a wider impact, i guess having a psychological background i am more aware of the psychological implications than some on here.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 13:28

That is also why i asked about the ops dd relationships with her grandparents on her dads side, is it just the gift things or how they are around her and treat her in relation to their other gc. Yes the ops dd is only young so you interact differently than the 9yo, but they do also have a gc who is of similar age. So how do the OPs ILs treat that ds as opposed to her dd.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 03/01/2010 13:34

Dhs aunt was a bit like this between our two sons. The oldest was 3 years older, and she would always bring him lots of stuff.

I would have my own stash of appropriate toys and sweets for the youngest. And when "aunty granny" came bearing gifts for the older, and I would see my youngest sons eyes first light up, then go sad when he realized he was fobbed off with a little tat, I would ( and maybe I am cattier than most) bring out my stash and say

"Here you go lovey, lots of presents for you too, so it is even between you and brother. Dont be sad sweetheart that auntiegranny did not bring you much"

She got the idea after a few times.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 03/01/2010 13:36

I should add, my mum has always been telling the story about her own grandma, who would buy fab stuff for her older sister, and tat for my mum. She especially remembers the year where her sister got a dolls house, and she got an ORANGE. In old age, this grandma was not cared for by any of her granddaughters. The oldest was too busy with her own family, and my mum turned her back, like granny herself had turned her back on my mum.

What comes around goes around.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/01/2010 13:50

Agal I think your story is so sad. You took a situation that was uneven and made it worse, permanent and forever divided.

Yes, it's sad that some GPs treat GC differently for all sorts of reasons. You can wail and fight against it and cut them out of your lives. And then you won't have a relationship and if you are happy with that then of course that's fine.

Or maybe that is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I am just trying to encourage rosarosa to get the best out of the situation rather than dwelling on the unfairness. Life just is unfair in so many ways. I could rail against the fact I am not tall and blonde, or I could get on my with my life and be the happiest I can be (short and tubby though I am).

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 13:58

Thats what i mean 2010 aQuintessential, and i was accused of being materialistic and thinking that the only way of showing love is to buy gifts which is just not true. Kids are not stupid they do notice if they are not treated the same, and this happens with especially their loved ones such as parents and gps, and they can become hurt and affect in later life, as some have said on here. When ops dd is a bit older and this continues she might notice, kids talk to each other and see what others get, and yes it does affect them you cant say that it does notand try to put an adult slant on it.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 14:02

Well Agal was hurt and saw it as her ILs not caring or bothered and its sounds like they were not tbh or they would have asked her if they could come to the play or if they could have pictures and make more of an effort on their part too. No two wrongs dont make a right but just seeing it from Agals perspective really.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 14:03

I think that the op should see how it goes and if it continues her dh should have a nice talk to his mother, better than cutting them out and being horrible really and this carrying on until the dd is older and does notice.

Original poster

RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 14:31

I agree that daughters children are generally favoured more, but my own Mum is in that situation. Yes, she has an extremely close relationship with my daughter, but when it comes to gifts, affection, money and love, they are equal, surely that's the right way to be?

Yes, maybe older childrens' presents may be a little more expensive, and that's fine, but what I experience with my MIL, that doesn't cover it, it's deeper than that.

Think I need to sit down my DH who will be devastated bacuase like all bloke, he HATES agro!

OP posts:

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