that my MIL sent her 2 g-daughters differently worded xmas cards?

[RosaRosa]

My MIL has 3 g-children; 2 by my DH's sister (9 & 5)and we have a 3yr DD.

My MIL favours the eldest and I'm not that bothered because my family adore our DD.

The anomalies between our DD and the other two are immense, but my MIL will always play up to how much she adores her '3' GC and my DH falls for it. There are loads of incidents I could tell you about. . .

This Xmas however, I noticed that the card she sent her 9 yr old g-daughter had beautiful words written on the front about how much she meant to her. My DDs card simply said Merry Xmas Grand-daughter.

I have never talked to my DH about the way she treats our DD differently becuse I don't want to cause trouble for him, but even though this is a simple act of different cards, it's hurt me more than the material things. Two grandaughters, buy two cards the same? I see it as a pre-meditated act and I'm hurt for my DD.

Should I feel this angry/hurt and should I tell my DH?

WorkingItOut... so when my lovely ds's asked me why granny went to his cousins bday partys,took the cousins on holiday and babysat and just generally spent TIME (not money btw) with the others what exactly should i have said/done?

Invited them to birthdays/plays etc? To have mt ds's be upset when they couldn't be arsed coming? To give school pics that they never displayed cos there wasn't room for alongside the other gc's pictures.

Do yu know it actually really fucks me off when i read posts like yours,you have no idea clearly what it's like to have sad or upset dc in this situation. I lied to my dc for years to try and prevent them being hurt but eventually they were old and clever enough to see through the bullshit i was feeding them.

It may sound sad but i put my dc first as did my DH. There was never any intention on my in-laws part to ever have any kind of relationship with my dc so i asn't gonna spend the next however many years flogging a dead horse.

Rosa its something that he has to do tbh or there might be problems later on, we all have to do things we dont like from time to time, this has to be done. Its his mum he has to talk to her.

Agal I am sorry for your dcs of course and I meant it when I said it was a sad situation. And I fully understand that you did what you had to do. As I said, if that's what you have to do and it's the best thing for you in the circumstances, then fine, that's the right choice. I don't know the details of your circumstances and it sounds like it was so hurtful and persistent you felt you had no other choice. But by not sending them photos etc, you did guarantee that they would never have your DCs photos on the wall, would never attend their plays etc. I don't know how long it would be reasonable to keep on trying if every attempt to create a connection is rebuffed and at what point I would give up - appreciate how lucky I am not to be in that situation.

But for rosa, her DD is only 3, and it doesn't sound to have got that far, so am simply trying to encourage her to give it a shot at working, rather than becoming negative in response to something that may simply be explained by the fact the other GD is older than her DD. Sometimes people (am clearly NOT suggesting you here agal at all, as your situation seems much worse) can make things worse by taking offense where none is meant and you can end up in a negative spiral which could have been avoided.

I know you are right pigletmania. I've kept it locked away but it's festering. It's always been there but i worry that my DD will notice as she gets older.

As has been suggested, I didn't deliberately count the presents and tot them up, it was just glaringly obvious when my niece mentioned them.

There are loads of incidents I could name, too many to mention, but in short, the other two GC are treated FAR more favourably in evrey way.

Another example, when my DD was born, my MIL told me she has a money box in the kitchen. all the money is split between her 2 GC to buy new shoes two/three times ayr and she said my DD will now be included. My DD was included in the first two 'empties' and we've heard nothing about it since. I know for a fact the other two GC have their shoes bought from the money box.

When we were first discussing Xmas presents, my MIL asked if for Xmas, my DD would like money for a pair of shoes!!!!! The other 2 get shoes on tap, but my DD (nearly 4) was gonna get them for a xmas present. AIBU?

In my case i allowed my dc to be treated like crap till they were 10 and 6. I did ask them to parties and give school pics until they were 8 and 4, we did know that the school pics were not put up as we used to visit,always said no to invites etc.

Was that long enough do you think? Or should i have carried on till they were much older?

My dc have aslo been brought up to be grateful for any gift they have been given (even if it doesn't suit IE a jumper not their style etc) so it's not to do with cash spent.
I didn't make a big thing of any of it either. I just stopped banging away at a relationship that just wasn't there.

Sorry working it out It's the one thing i am really sensitive about.

the thing is, I don't think you're being totally petty but I do think first grandchildren are likely to get doted on more by grandparents, as they're the first of a new generation. My little nephew is absolutely adored and spoilt by the whole family, his grandparents, great grandparents, aunts and uncles, as he is the first baby in the family for a long time, and the only one. We are all, and especially his grandparents, inevitably going to have a stronger bond with him than with all the subsequent babies that come along. I started trying to conceive at the same time as my SIL nephew nearly one now and still no joy for me . I fully accept that if / when I and my sister have children there will be lots more grandchildren around and they are likely to have less of a strong bond with their grandparents. In fact, I don't think I will feel as strongly attached to subsequent neices and nephews as I do to this one, who I have spent so much time with.

it is the same with my brother, he was the first grandchild on both sides and both sets of grandparents truly doted on him, whereas the rest of us were just one in a crowd. It never bothered me particularly, I just accepted it. I think it helped that my parents treated us all fairly equally.

Agal - sounds like you gave it a fair shot and it sounds really hurtful. What I was trying to say, but maybe not very clearly, was that in your situation I've no idea what 'long enough' would be and so could not possibly judge what you should or should have done, and how long it would be reasonable for you to keep trying. 10 years seems more than reasonable IMHO. Am sorry for you and your DCs .

But the OP is getting het up in her original post about a christmas card!!! Let's put that in perspective!!! For goodness' sake!!!

I suspect agal you'd have been delighted if your DCs got an individual Christmas card! I do realise lots more potentially hurtful stuff is coming out in the OP's later messages, but on her opening post, she is being totally U to make a fuss about something so small and to be considering a confrontation over it.

As far as the other stuff like the shoes goes, I do wonder whether the other GCs are perhaps worse off and so need the financial help to buy shoes more than the OPs daughter?

Oh and tiredfeet, wishing you the best of luck.

The cards wouldn't bother me at this stage, but the other signs would.

I hate favouritism. IMO it should not be tolerated and should be challenged, whether your child is the one favoured or the one who misses out.

IMO there is no "only to be expected" type justification, especially where children are involved. All grandchildren should be treated the same. Anything less is unkind. And adults should no better.

And of course children notice these things. I think sometimes we like to thing they don't or won't notice, as it makes adults feel better about the situation to an extent - both those trying to protect their DC and those doing the favouritism. I think we should give children some credit they are often way more observant that we give them credit for. They are not daft, they see differences easy enough once they are beyond toddlerhood.

WorkingItOutAsIGo - no, I TOTALLY disagree with what you're saying.

Yes, you're right, there IS a lot more to it and it goes deeper, and as you MUST be able to see, I am not just getting 'het up' about a Xmas card. I must correct you, I have NEVER hinted at a 'confrontation' with my MIL, where do you get that from, are you egging it on here?

Thirdly, the my SIL and her family have far more money than we do. It's simple favouritism.

Please don't make things up.

RR - your opening post, read on its own, was IMHO U and that's all I was saying. That's why I said 'I do realise lots more potentially hurtful stuff is coming out' and that stuff I was not saying YABU about.

Re confrontation - I was referring to your message at 14:31 where you said you were going to speak to your DH about it. So am not making things up.

But you have a choice about how you take this - that's all I am trying to say. You can get upset about it all, and have a poor relationship, or you can say 'silly old bat, she plays favourites' and concentrate on ensuring your DD has the best possible relationship with a GM who may not be perfect, but sounds engaged and caring for all that.

Just want to come on here and give a point of view from a grandchild's point of view. My nan had very obvious favourites in the family and very obvious non-favourites. I was the least favourite (I hoped it was all in my head, but my cousins have confirmed that there was radically different treatment).

Nothing anyone could say or do would change the way my nan was with me. And you know what? I stopped caring. I have wonderful parents who I know love me, I also have wonderful aunts and uncles. She was just one person.

No matter how your DD is treated by her nan, she will always have you. And she can choose to cut the woman out of her life if need be. What matters is that you love her, and you obviously do. That is what matters.

I can't say it will be that easy for your DD when she does notice, it wasn't for me. But my parents more than made up for it.

Cat not all children are the same, some do notice and as angel has had experience of can hurt a child especially if they are not treated the same in other respects such as love etc. I think that the op does need to address this issue especially if its not just material things but in the amount of love that they give the other gc.

Aww Kaloki thats , dont understand why people are like that. Good on you

Just to add to this,my db was the favourite child in our family (favoured by mum and dad) and i hated it. It's still the case which is why i see the silly games they play with my dc's emotions it upsets me so much because i remember how it felt to be second best.

On the other hand i also remember how it felt to be my grannys favourite (dad's mum) it was awful too. I hated that because it made me 'different' from my cousins and made me feel guilty when she would seceretly give me money or the best sweets/extra presents etc. I eventually refused to visit my granny because she made me feel so uncomfortable i couldn't cope with the visits.

That's why i will not allow my dc to experience it in the same way i did,IE being surrounded by adults who condone that behaviour. Children are not stupid and they know damn well from a young age what is going on.

I felt i owed it to my dc to 'stick up' for them and not just ignore what was happening and i am doing it again for my 2 little girls sadly, life hasn't changed sadly. They are no more interested in my dd's than they were the ds's.

Agal I am that grown adults like that can behave like that its astounding. I am so for your situation, I am an only child so did not really have that problem and thank goodness never experienced anything like it tbh. I makes me so mad reading the stuff that people have to go through on here. Why do adults have to do that to children, play with their emotions and mess about with them. I hope that when my time comes to be a granny if it happens that i will treat ALL our grandchildren equally with equal love, affection and in giving too.

IME children do notice these things. My ds was only 7 when I heard him telling a family friend who'd unwittingly asked him how his grandma (my mother) was doing that he didn't know because "Grandma doesn't like us very much. She only likes cousin." Until that point I would have happily sworn that he had no idea that he was treated differently to his cousin.

I suspect the penny dropped after one too many occasions where my mother had called on the day of a promised trip to cancel it because she had decided to go elsewhere with just the cousin. I had done my best to shield them from this but unfortunately my mother would tell them about it at a later date.

In my case it wasn't about age, gender or order of birth. The favoured grandchild isn't the oldest, the youngest, or even the only girl. Sadly some grandparents do just seem to hone in on a particular child to the exclusion of the others.

I was also a GC that was not favoured. I came along 15 yrs later and was just an afterthought really.

It hasn't affected me in the least tbh. My parents really never made it an issue and although now as an adult I am totally aware of what went on with the other GC, I actually understand that they were just closer and had bonded more.
They were fine with me, just not favoured as much with gifts etc rather like the OP describes.

I think it is totally normal for GC to feel closer to some children. I really don't get why anyone would take it to heart over a nicely-worded card. You saw it and got all upset but your child hasn't got a clue. Is it really such a huge deal?

Thank you pigletmania

Favouritism can have an effect on some children and not others i am sure. Thankfully DH and i have worked very hard to counter the effects of shitty grandparents and they are brilliant kids all of them.

My ds1 did remark before christmas tho,his gf's grandad had died and his gf obv was just devastated and ds1 was a bit baffles as to why she was so upset He said he could understand that level of grief if it had been the death of a parent/sibling/spouse he could understand it but a grandparent.......

Pretty sad to hear your 18 year old saying that eh?

Oh and piglet i am sure you will be as fab a granny as you obv are a mum!!!!

I will also be doling out time/attention and everything else to any gc i am lucky enough to have xx

Thanks so much agal though too much time on Mumsnet its so when love is limited good on you Agal.

My mil always favours the youngest child. Has done since I first met her 24 yrs ago!

DD is the youngest and has been for 11 years............ BUT she spends exactly the same on everyone. DD and her 12 yr old girl cousin get identical gifts etc.

Just to add another story - despite me being a first GC, my Dad's mum was never that keen on me. She infinitely preferred my cousins - probably because they were more local. However, I feel that some of her preference was to do with my mum as well - she didn't like my mum because she was a southerner (yes, really) and therefore wasn't going to expend much energy on my mum's DC because we were southerners too. She didn't like my uncle's wife either but at least she was a northerner and so were our cousins.

Favouritism does hurt but like another poster said, I got over it and was far less attached to that GM than to my nan who was local.

OP - I think YANBU particularly, but don't worry about it - at least your DD has one set of family who think she's fab! That counts for a lot, honestly.