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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that my MIL sent her 2 g-daughters differently worded xmas cards?

104 replies

RosaRosa · 03/01/2010 10:06

My MIL has 3 g-children; 2 by my DH's sister (9 & 5)and we have a 3yr DD.

My MIL favours the eldest and I'm not that bothered because my family adore our DD.

The anomalies between our DD and the other two are immense, but my MIL will always play up to how much she adores her '3' GC and my DH falls for it. There are loads of incidents I could tell you about. . .

This Xmas however, I noticed that the card she sent her 9 yr old g-daughter had beautiful words written on the front about how much she meant to her. My DDs card simply said Merry Xmas Grand-daughter.

I have never talked to my DH about the way she treats our DD differently becuse I don't want to cause trouble for him, but even though this is a simple act of different cards, it's hurt me more than the material things. Two grandaughters, buy two cards the same? I see it as a pre-meditated act and I'm hurt for my DD.

Should I feel this angry/hurt and should I tell my DH?

OP posts:
MummylinQueenoftheslatterns · 03/01/2010 11:26

i have two gd,s and would never dream of buying them both the same card ,however though the cards are different i always write a loving personal message inside to both of them.But they are older [13&15]but im sure when they were only 3 they wouldnt have cared at all what i sent,and i think they would of been more interested in the picture than any words written in it.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:30

I think the issue with the card is a bit of a red herring, i'd be more concerned about the amount of presents being given to the other 2 when the youngest only got a notepad!!
I know, money/material possessions shouldn't matter, but I'm afraid this speaks volumes to me, and more importantly will definately get to the point where the youngest gc will notice!!

moid · 03/01/2010 11:31

Sorry I don't get this - it is important kids are not treated as favourites by their parents but by their grandparents does it really matter? Isn't this just the kids complaining that their parents (grandparents) are treating them differently. Do the kids care?

My boys have maternal grandparents with whom they have a strong relationship and a paternal grandparent who they rarely see and very rarely send them presents.

And if we are counting up the quality of the pressies that is so sad

No doubt their will be people on here with no grandparents or grandparents who treat all their grandkids with no thought. Horses for courses, appreciate what you have got not what you don't have

mumoverseas · 03/01/2010 11:31

well your DD got more than my DD and DS got from my MIL. She didn't even send a card when DS was born earlier this year let alone a present. Sent DD a birthday card a month after her birthday, no present. Not so much as a card for christmas.
Yet, her other grandchildren get spoilt rotten. Makes me very sad for my children as I've lost both my parents so essentially they have no grandparents.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/01/2010 11:31

Rosarosa - your DD is only 3 and won't notice. This is the moment where you choose whether to develop a moaning, carping relationship with your MIL, and by extension between her and your DD or whether you decide to make it better.

It is sadly natural, as several people have said, for a GP to favour a first GC, a daughter's child and an older child. So all this is going in favour of the other GC. I think the healthiest thing to do is tell yourself you don't like it, but you accept it for what it is, and get on with developing the relationship between your DD and her GM.

Thank her for the thought that went into the separate card for your DD, tell her what you bought with the money, help her get to know your DD better so that next Christmas she is able to pick something more appropriate. Don't measure your DD's relationship with her GM by comparing it with anyone else, just focus on making it warm and supportive. And you won't manage that if you are jealously counting gifts and looking for the bad.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:32

Err no I have the oldest and the youngest on one side of grandparents and then the youngest on the other. I would never expect my children on dh's side to get as much as their grown up counterparts do from the grandparents. Ds has always gotten more than dd on both sides. I would be to be honest if they were doing exactly the same for both.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:32

Thats why Rosa you should rectify the situation, you should ask your dh to talk to his mum about it and tell her that its not on for your dd sake. If you dont ask your wont get. In other words if you dont talk about it nobody will know to sort the problem out and think that there is not a problem when there is.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:33

What I don't honestly get is the anaylise that goes on here and the grabbiness.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:35

Its not the grabbiness at all its the favouritism. Every gc should get presents of equal value, if one gets one for £10 than the others should get that, if one gets one for £1 than all the others should get too

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:39

I completely disagree that all gc should have the same spent on them. Should the grandparents on dh's side spend the same on dd (6) as they do on their gc who are in their late 20s?

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:39

Its like saying i love you more than the others,its not about the value of the gifts at all its the meaning behind it.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:40

How can how much be spent say anything about the love? What ever happened to it being the thought that goes into the present and the suitability and what they want?

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:41

Yes i think that its right, my MIL has three gc similar age and spends the same on my dd as the others why not

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:41

I thought the analysis was the whole point of mn, to get other people's opinions on issues you may not feel comfortable discussing out loud.
rainbow in the sky, as your dd gets older do you think you'll still be expecting her to get less than ds, and more worryingly accepting and supporting of this?

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:42

Dh's parents have spent thousands and thousands on his siblings over the past few years and a few hundred on him. Their needs have been very different. You know what, dh isn't bothered in the slighest. In no way does it say anything about the love they have for their children.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:43

Well obviously not much thought went into the ops MILs gifts. I think differently, i have a few nieces and nephews and do get differnt presents of similar or same value, i would never get one a £30 present and the sister something much less

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:43

I haven't given what dd will expect to get in monetary terms from people in teh future compared to her db a thought.

madamearcati · 03/01/2010 11:43

I disgree pigletmania.It is very sad that equal money spent is taken to mean equal love.An older child/teenager adult will have more spent on them than a toddler , just because the things they like/need cost more !

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/01/2010 11:44

So piglet, you equate money with love? And the number of pounds spent equals the 'points of love' you feel? Really? Isn't that a bit shallow?

Sometimes I spend quite different amounts on my two sisters - if I am out looking for gifts they will love and I find the perfect thing and it is more or less than I would normally spend, but it's what they will love, I buy it with love. And it's received that way. I would be quite if they measured my love in pounds spent.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:44

100% in agreement with pigletmania!!
why should 20 year old get more than 6 year old? I don't get it?
It's not grabbiness, would be happy with a £1 present if all gcs got £1 present.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:45

Thats good that it does not bother your dh but others are not like that, for them it would have another meaning, not all think the same.

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:47

So when ds is 17 and we may get him a car which may cost a couple of grand what do you think we could get dd who will be 9 that would also be a couple of grand?

rainbowinthesky · 03/01/2010 11:48

It doesnt bother dh because he knows it isnt about love and it isnt.

foxyjbro99 · 03/01/2010 11:49

when she reaches 17 maybe she could have a car which costs a couple of grand too.
although i expect this might not be the case, maybe she could have 17 year old's old car any you could buy your ds a new one? ha ha.

don't think this is relevant.

pigletmania · 03/01/2010 11:50

No but thats what it can mean at all, as i said its not about the monetary value of the gift the present could be 50p, but each gc should get say 50p present, not one get £200 and one get 50p one thats not right. Part of showing how much you love someone is through the act of gift giving, of course there are other ways of showing love. The op has not said how the MIL act towards her dd in comparison with say the other gc who is 5 that would affect judgement within the grand scheme of things. Os the op MIL affetionate and loving towards all of the gc or just her SIL children