...or is it DP? Is this worth splitting up over?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

DP has just threatened to leave "because I have done nothing to fix my relationship with my family and i'm dragging him down into my own vortex of misery".

I've posted numerous times on here about my annoying parents and sister, who are daft nutjobs who regularly make me miserable by being nasty. My mother said before christmas that she hopes my son hates me.

Another nasty phonecall today. My mother went on at me yet again about her objection to me sending out christmas cards to relatives - saying that I'm an embarrassment, the relatives don't want all my boring news, she will have to find out what i've been up to from the relatives because I never tell HER anything, she doesn't see why I have to "split up the family" by sending cards when my sister is perfectly happy to be included on the family card, etc etc. (my sister is 3 years older than I am, has a 10 year old child and a husband - they all get signed for by my mother on christmas cards, just like they get houses bought for them, cars bought for them, shopping done for them...). And there were nasty jabs about other things too.

As usual DH and I ended up in a post-match analysis. I hate these because he always tells me I've got to fix the relationship with my family. His family is totally reasonable. He just doesn't get why this is so broken and why it is unfixable. He does honestly try to be helpful. His mum is a psychologist so he does his best to apply the right techniques. But my family are mad. The techniques don't work. I have been depressed for years and am just spiralling further and further down.

He says I am just letting my family be unreasonable, encouraging them, then whinging to him. and that it's dragging him down and he is beginning ot think he'd be better off without the whole thing.

Basically if i tell my parents they are behaving unacceptably either (1) they say I can't take a joke and they weren't being serious and i should lighten up and learn some social skills, or (2) they go off on one at me for telling them how to behave and how i have no idea and I'm an embarrassment and the world doesn't revolve around me etc etc. Then they change the subject and start tearing strips off me for something else.

One of my mother's favourite topics though is undermining DP, cutting across me when I talk about DP to ask about other men i know (work colleagues fgs!) as if they are my boyfriends; and telling relatives "oh there's noone special, she has lots of friends" when they ask after me and my family - for GOD"S SAKE WOMAN I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON TOGETHER. DP IS NOT SOME CASUAL BOYFRIEND. She even did it at a party at DP's parents' place - told a friend of his parents that her daughter "didn't have anyone special". No wonder the friend looked bemused and got away as fast as possible.

Wiht my mother doing that kind of thing, well no wonder DP feels undermined and dragged down. I can see that he feels my family are a bunch of nutjobs and that i'm just being weak and letting them keep dragging everything through the mud.

I have tried counsellors, I have tried antidepressants, I have tried CBT (but the woman was an idiot so it wasn't any help at all). DP's mother is trying to not interfere but is essentially providing a personalised Relate service. Psychology techniques are getting us bloody nowhere.

ARRRGGGH. and now he wants to leave.

If you allow this relationship to collapse then your mother has won, surely? I would never say this lightly, but cut her off completely- he has probably got a point if it's come to this.

I cant say I blame your husband. There is only so much someone can take surely of hearing such sagas continuesly with no action to end it.

I totally agree with BitofFun, why are you still in this toxic relationship with your mum?

OMG, your family sound like absolute poison! I would cut them out, completely, change phone numbers etc, whatever needed doing. No wonder you are depressed, so would I be if I had that lot to contend with!

Cut your Mother out.

She is obviously not providing anything positive in your life,is she?

Poor you.

I forgot to say that the reason i haven't cut them off, is DP saying on many occasions (when I have mused about cutting them off) - "well that won't solve anything will it. You'll just beat yourself up and sanctify them because you were too selfish to be the bigger person and because you feel guilty you weren't around to help them in their old age. Neither you nor they will learn a thing if you cut them off, you will all just be more miserable and self-righteous."

He's entirely right.

But it's a bloody big brick wall to be beating my head against.

Ive got to go out now. But will check back later.

You poor thing! YANBU. It sounds like you are doing all the right things but those around you are causing the pain.

Why would Dp threaten to leave unless you fix your family? That is just not right.

What does your mother have against your DP? Is there something behind her overlooking him like that? It sounds like they don't get on at all. How does she get on with your son?

Sending out christmas cards to relatives is so normal, to object sounds very odd, you are right. Does your mother still see you as a little girl? It sounds like she's a bit stuck in the past. How was she at your wedding?Perhaps she can't accept you, therefore she, is getting older.

You need the support of your DP, not to be knocked like this. Doesn't he understand you need his help? You should carry on doing the right things regardless of what they say, but it must be so hard! It's not worth leaving over this. Where would you be then? On your own, and if you love your DP, you'll want & need to be with him, not on your own when you will feel even more isolated.

Stay together. I hope you can get him to understand.

I feel sorry for your husband as well as yourself obviously, his MIL clearly thinks less of him than the dirt on her shoe. I agree with those who say to stop contact with her as she is tearing both of you apart, he's trying to support you but to no avail.

Why do you keep up a relationship with them? They sound appalling. Sorry, but I can understand why your partner is fed up.

Can you not see how awful it must be for him to be with someone who effectively condones this attitude by putting up with it?

Sounds like you need to either stand up to them or minimise contact. Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but I wouldn't stay with someone who let their family behave like that to me and my partner. I think you're underestimating how bad it is if you're questioning why he wants to leave. There's only so much anyone will be prepared to tolerate.

Sometimes in life you have to protect yourself and your own family unit, which is your DP and DS, NOT your parents.

I'm not sure how antidepressants or counselling could help. You just need to stand up for yourself and your DP and stop the nonsense now. Start by not picking up the phone to them, that's pretty simple.

tinalane: we got married in a registry office without anyone else there. We couldn't afford a wedding. My parents paid for the whole of my sister's giant ostentatious white wedding BTW.

this probably has a lot to do with my mother not accepting my marriage.

have to go out now.

What about temporarily ceasing contact with your family (would they notice?) while you and your DP work on your family relationship (ie you, DP & DS).

That way you don't get grief from DP for cutting off your family (although you could make a VERY long tempory halt in contact) and you all get to concentrate on each other, and you 3 are the most important people.

Would DP's mother be able to help you? Not in your relationship with him (she'd be way to close IMO) but with talking through your wider family relationships?

Why do you call him dp, isn't he dh?

Perhaps your mother doesn't approve so thats why is constantly undermining him then, I expect you know this already.

picmaestress is right your own family unit is your DP and DS, NOT your parents.

So dh wants you to continue with this horrible situation but if you don't fix he will leave...wtf

Things can't be fixed if one party (ie your family) don't agree there is a problem.

Personally i think you need to reduce all contact or cut out altogether. If dh wants you to try something in particular then fine have a go, but agree following that you will cut them off. Why would be think you have to be in contact with people who drive you to depression?

Miserable- I think you need to sit down and explain to your DH that you cannot change the actions and attitudes of others, you can only change your actions and how you respond to it. You need to cut them off so that you can be sane. Say that if he has suggestions of how you 'fix' your relationship with them then you are willing to try those suggestions and see how they work, but essentially, you need to take a step back and think about yourself and your family.

Why would he want you to have a relationship with them if they don't really accept him? Why is he expecting you to take all the responsibility and oerform miracles?

Your family is you, your DH and your DC. They are now your relatives.

Your sister is pathetic and childish and playing their game (ie- allowing them to control her) by adding her on xmas cards and by paying for things for her, they have a say in her life. You should be proud that you had a small registry office wedding. You paid for it yourself, you don't owe them anything and you got married out of love for each other, not out of wanting a big showy wedding. It doesn't matter whether your mother accepts your marriage or not, you and your DH are adults who made a decision to get married and that is nothing to do with her.

I hope that your DH is just lashing out in saying that he will leave you, as they have dragged you into this depression and him insisting you have some kind of relationship with them is making things worse. Who is thinking about what is best for you? You need to start working as a unit- you, him and DC against the world. I would also stop using his mum as a counselling service. She sounds lovely but again this puts you into a parent-child relationship rather than an adult-adult relationship.

It doesn't matter what they think or say about you if you don't have contact with them. They will continue to eat away at your life, sanity and relationship as long as the two of you let them.

I think you should show this thread to your husband. I feel sorry for him too as it sounds like a horrible situation but he needs to support you in whatever you decide to do as these people are truly toxic and will ruin your life given half the chance. You're not alone, not everyone has the 'perfect' family. Just check out the relationship threads.

Hope this helps.

Oh my god!! I can't believe he would consider leaving you over this!

I agree with nearly everyone else, your 'family' are doing you no favours. They are making you ill, your marriage is under threat. Cut them out. They sound truely awful. Its not really up to your DH if you want to cut them out, surely he can see how it would be better for you both.

Tell him that the way to fix things is to have nothing to do with them and be firm about it. They clearly offer nothing in the way of support etc so its not like you will lose out on any help etc, it really sounds like they have a favourite which is awful.

Personally (and I am completely unqualified to dispense advice, so feel free to ignore) then I would say, once and for all, to your Mother that you won't put up with this behaviour, and if it continues, it'll be the last time she speaks to you.

And then follow through on it.

Obviously, you have to decide if you can actually cut them out. If you can't, don't make an empty threat.

But it sounds to me as if she's dumping on you for some reason (you let her get away with it?) and she'll keep doing it until she realises otherwise.

I would sit down and talk with your DH. Then both together try to talk to your mother and family. Explain that thier behavior is not accetable to you but you would like to try and geton with them. I do think it's silly sending family cards. DD1got married in March and I don't add her name to any cards now. Her and her husband sent thier own cards and bought thier own presents for family members, Once you are maried then you are a family of your own.

Cut your mother off. You've done all you can - and much more - with no result and you have no reason to feel selfish, beat yourself up or feel guilty in any way whatsoever. You are not responsible for the situation and it is also not one in which you can ever be the bigger person, rise above things or teach your mother different behaviour: she is out-and-out unreasonable and NOTHING you do or say is ever going to change that. So do yourself a favour and get yourself away from the mire that is your mother. You have another lovely family - your DP and your son. Concentrate on that before you lose it.

Why do you tolerate your mum "going on at you"?
I think you tell your family their behaviour is unacceptable and if they start being horrid you leave if with them or put the phone down if on phone.
Putting up with abuse and then whining about it is just tedious for your partner.
Try and change their behaviour, but if it's deeply entrenched and you can't then change the way you respond to it ie zero tolerance for being moaned at, minimal contact and don't whine about them.
This isn't really about your family, it's about how you respond to them.
Move away or minimise contact.
It's no good blaming them for ruining your life, you are ruining it yourself by listening to their rubbish and not surrounding yourself with people you like and who like you.

So, you have a dm that is abusive, controlling and undermining.

And a dh who is ... at least undermining.

Why do you give these people control?

I can see why you would. Growing up in such a relationship would seriously undermine your capacity to trust your own decisions.

I would just say cut off your dm - or just be prepared to be seriously, bloody rude when she oversteps your boundaries, ie, just hanging up if she starts. She can then either f off or 'phone back and apologise. Her choice. If she f off it's seriously going to be no loss in the long run.

Thing is, there's clearly so much going on that has stopped you from taking that line.

And I am ... slightly concerned that either a. your dh is similarly controlling or b. you offload the decision about what to do about this onto him.

'Tis not his choice. Does he make all the decisions? Do you have a problem making decisions? Is he a bit controlling?

What, really, stops you from cutting off contact? Or being so prepared to do that that you stand up to them? Because, really, you're hiding behind what your dh says. Something else is stopping you.

I can think of several reasons, good ones, that might stop you. No-one wants to have a failed relationship with their mother. You may not trust yourself after years of undermining. You might not believe this isn't normal, or that you don't deserve it .... The list goes on. You need to clear a bit of space in your head to think about it.

But I think mn is telling you your relationship with dm is a bit toxic.

I think you do need to cut yourself off from your mother and any other family members who are this abusive towards you.

However you need to get your dh to support you in this.

Change your phone number/get an answer machine/screen calls before answering etc etc etc

Everytime you feel guilty in the slightest you need your dh to clearly remind you that it is your mother who is being toxic, you have tried to be reasonable towards her and it has dragged you into deep depression and has been destroying your marriage.

In the meatime I would ask for psycotherapy or similar - you need assessing for what kind of therapy would actually help you.

If your Dh is that pissed off he should tell YOUR FAMILY to piss off and leave you and he alone.

He should not leave you (although if he did your mother would crow that he was no good etc etc so HE would be playing into their hands there).

Basically stop beating your self up over your family.
Cut them out of your lives. They WILL NOT CHANGE, so any idea of rapprochement is pointless.

Read the stately homes thread...plenty of ladies there who stopped seeing their mothers and are so much better for it.