...or is it DP? Is this worth splitting up over?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

DP has just threatened to leave "because I have done nothing to fix my relationship with my family and i'm dragging him down into my own vortex of misery".

I've posted numerous times on here about my annoying parents and sister, who are daft nutjobs who regularly make me miserable by being nasty. My mother said before christmas that she hopes my son hates me.

Another nasty phonecall today. My mother went on at me yet again about her objection to me sending out christmas cards to relatives - saying that I'm an embarrassment, the relatives don't want all my boring news, she will have to find out what i've been up to from the relatives because I never tell HER anything, she doesn't see why I have to "split up the family" by sending cards when my sister is perfectly happy to be included on the family card, etc etc. (my sister is 3 years older than I am, has a 10 year old child and a husband - they all get signed for by my mother on christmas cards, just like they get houses bought for them, cars bought for them, shopping done for them...). And there were nasty jabs about other things too.

As usual DH and I ended up in a post-match analysis. I hate these because he always tells me I've got to fix the relationship with my family. His family is totally reasonable. He just doesn't get why this is so broken and why it is unfixable. He does honestly try to be helpful. His mum is a psychologist so he does his best to apply the right techniques. But my family are mad. The techniques don't work. I have been depressed for years and am just spiralling further and further down.

He says I am just letting my family be unreasonable, encouraging them, then whinging to him. and that it's dragging him down and he is beginning ot think he'd be better off without the whole thing.

Basically if i tell my parents they are behaving unacceptably either (1) they say I can't take a joke and they weren't being serious and i should lighten up and learn some social skills, or (2) they go off on one at me for telling them how to behave and how i have no idea and I'm an embarrassment and the world doesn't revolve around me etc etc. Then they change the subject and start tearing strips off me for something else.

One of my mother's favourite topics though is undermining DP, cutting across me when I talk about DP to ask about other men i know (work colleagues fgs!) as if they are my boyfriends; and telling relatives "oh there's noone special, she has lots of friends" when they ask after me and my family - for GOD"S SAKE WOMAN I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON TOGETHER. DP IS NOT SOME CASUAL BOYFRIEND. She even did it at a party at DP's parents' place - told a friend of his parents that her daughter "didn't have anyone special". No wonder the friend looked bemused and got away as fast as possible.

Wiht my mother doing that kind of thing, well no wonder DP feels undermined and dragged down. I can see that he feels my family are a bunch of nutjobs and that i'm just being weak and letting them keep dragging everything through the mud.

I have tried counsellors, I have tried antidepressants, I have tried CBT (but the woman was an idiot so it wasn't any help at all). DP's mother is trying to not interfere but is essentially providing a personalised Relate service. Psychology techniques are getting us bloody nowhere.

ARRRGGGH. and now he wants to leave.

I would write them a letter and explain the things that you find upsetting and tell them that in future you will end the conversation if they start. Do not rise to the bait and don't discuss-just politely say 'goodbye' and switch off. Next time speak as if it didn't happen but do exactly the same if they start. Be friendly, don't cut them off permanently, but don't allow them to follow the pattern.

This might help..it is slowly doing wonders for me and you can get your DH on board, it is really a very pro active approach to changing the way you think about yourself and the impact that others have on you..

Don't call your mother and if she calls you only talk to her for as long as she is polite. The moment she is rude say I'm sorry but you're being rude and I don't have to listen to that. Then hang up. If she calls back you can either ignore it or answer and hang up again if it's the same old. Repeat until she gives up/learns to watch her tongue. Don't visit.

You obviously really resent what your parents do for your sister. If she goes along with anything your parents say to you then you may have to treat her the same way.

OP This all seems very stressy and dramatic. Which is probably how your parents like it.

Try stepping back a bit and laughing at them and their histrionics. Stop taking them so seriously: it will, hopefully, drive them nuts.

MMV my heart bleeds for you. I read this thread yesterday and was thinking of you overnight. I think it's good that your DH's input has got you to think seriously about this situation and begin to get you to the point where you are reflecting on it and on your own needs and desires and what you need to make you happy.

It sounds like you have so much that is lovely in your life and are so talented, and yet this terrible situation with a family who frankly sounds completely bizarre is not surprisingly dragging you right down.

It won't be quick or easy to solve your problems and your depression, but it will be worth it. Your note last night is the right starting point.

You need to look after yourself first and foremost. Let this weekend be the start of you looking after yourself and improving your situation. Perhaps get yourself a notebook and start allocating yourself some time every day where you do sit and think about you, your needs, what you want, what is good about you and so on. Make some decisions to do some things which are good for you - it's great you are eating well and exercising as that is a good start, but try and plan your time so you give yourself time to think and time to work.

As part of that, perhaps don't make any big decisions about what to do with your family as I suspect you need some space and time, but telling them that, as many others have said, will just lead to a blow up. Why not do nothing? I found the approach to giving up smoking which worked for me was saying to myself 'just for today, I won't smoke'. So perhaps, you could decide, just for today, not to contact them. Each day ask yourself whether contacting them would help you or hinder you, and then do the thing that protects you most. I've not read your other threads so don't know how they'd react, but suspect this would give you some time and space to focus on healing yourself.

Perhaps you may need external support, given you sound like you may be depressed in addition to this awful situation which would bring anyone down, so perhaps consider seeing your GP.

And just be gentle on yourself - you won't fix your situation overnight and there will be many steps backward, but focus on you and your upward path.

Finally, a word about your DH's views. I think he is not BU: it sounds like he has been watching you continuously walking into situations which are going to leave you upset and hurt. He loves you and that must drive him to distraction. He doesnt really know how to help but he knows he can no longer, for himself, watch you getting hurt. He is trying to protect himself. That is all fair and reasonable. But he is BU if he thinks you can 'fix' your family as you can't. All you can fix is how you choose to engage with them, and how you choose to react to them. I think that is probably what he is asking you to do?

Best of luck.

get caller id , and an answer machine. dont phone your birth family at all. then you can choose if and when you take calls from them.
Give yourself a break from them,for a few weeks, see how you feel, see if you and dp/dh get on better when that stress is gone.
If everything is better then cut them out. you dont have to tell them. just dont answear when they phone, dont phone or visit. They will soon get a new "target" for thier venom. best of luck xxx

btw - i think your mother is vile.(re the xmas card) truely unhinged-( bit like my own dear mum who wishes my aunt(mums sister) and uncle crashed their brand new car with their kids in it. why? because my aunt couldnt give her £5 for a powercard.)

Just wanted to add my sympathy, and about how hard it is to do research when you're depressed and having difficulty concentrating.

Aren't you living abroad atm? How about just not bothering to phone your parents or answer their calls for a while? No need to write a dramatic letter, but drop contact - as though they are some rather irritating people that you used to know, and that you really don't want to make any effort with.

i cut off contact with my parents a couple of years ago and it was difficult but worthwhile.

i initially wrote a letter but got only lies and excuses back.

i also had counselling which helped make the initial move to break contact.

you've got to recondition your thinking to free yourself from the bullshit and counselling helps do that... the first thing my counsellor said was after all the grief they've given me, i didn't have to do ANYTHING i wasn't comfortable with... i could take my time and do things MY way. it was a revelation to me at the time.

Just to give you a different view on phonecalls, OP, I read a book by some business bigwig who says he never takes calls. He thinks that receiving calls always puts you on the back foot. He only ever makes phone calls so that he is in control of the conversation and sets the agenda. Perhaps it is worth adopting this principle with your mother?

MMV - it was easy for me, I just stopped phoning, and they never phoned me. Now, my mother speaks as though I cut off contact on purpose, in fact all she has ever had to do is lift the phone.

They cant do you any harm on the other end of a telephone. If they call, as soon as they start saying stuff you dont like, just say, I am sorry, I have to go now, good night.
it does the job, and stops them from being able to bully you down the phone.

I believe your husband is genuine in his concern about your relationship, but the good thing is that he has told you how he feels and not just upped sticks. My husband had the same feelings when I was going through a severely bad ?patch? which lasted many years. He confessed that some days he didn?t want to come home. They are only human and it?s draining acting as an emotional prop for years on end.
However, I don?t believe you will be able to sort things out with your family as he believes. He is obviously a strong personality who has been brought up in a rational well-balanced family, so would find it difficult to get into your mindset. He probably also finds it difficult to understand that some families really are just not responsive to rational discussion.

Possibly, part of your problem is that you ?engage? with your mother in the hope you are going to get through to her and that she will change. Accept that you cannot do this. This has been going on for years. It is not your fault. It is possible to ?love? your Mother but not to ?like? her ? indeed even to loathe her. It may help to think that it is not her fault that she behaves like this, as she obviously has issues of her own and really doesn?t sound very happy at all. There is no need for YOU to feel guilty. I believe that it is too hard to disengage your emotions and remain in contact. It sounds good in a textbook, but isn?t practical. I don?t think a letter or any form of contact is called for ? it would result in more of the same nastiness or emotional blackmail. Just stop. Caller ID is a good idea. View it as temporary if it helps, but give yourself a year and see if you feel better and mentally stronger.

Who makes you happy ? your husband or your parents? Choose

On a practical basis, I suggest revisiting the GP, reviewing your medication and asking for counselling or therapy help. Counsellors vary in their abilities ? you may have been unfortunate. The fact that your job may be on the line if you are not focused and that your marriage is in trouble will give the GP a big nudge.

Hope this helps
Been There, Seen It, Done It (Oh yeah: I regularly wake myself up screaming at my Mother!).
P.S Yoga sucks as your mind wanders ? a practical hobby would be good

I don'y like phoning people who never answer the phone. My inlaws do that and it's very irritating when you phone them and they don't reply but phone you back immediately. I took to dialing 141 before their number for a while so they didn't know it was us and if they moaned we hadn't phoned said I'd phoned but no reply.
Fair enough if you're trying to avoid someone in particular, but as a general policy I think you'll just piss off your friends.

He is being Very unreasonable to threaten splitting up because of it.

Also I think he is wrong to suggest that you try to get on with them, your mum sounds nuts. I think it would be better if you just phased them out for as long as they continue to be twats to you.

i think your dh has reached his limit.you bend his ear and his mums too.no wonder he got cross

There's been some great advice on here - I very much appreciate it. Thanks.

Today I took the first step - I failed to do the normal Sunday phonecall. No response. Not surprising, since i could count on one hand the number of times they have called me since I moved to Europe in 2001.

It was so easy.

I now wonder why I wasted all those HOURS shivering in phone boxes in the snow (in the days before Skype), and all that money on phonecards...

(BTW Scottishmummy - you have been very active on here - thanks. Um, i have talked to DP's Mum about this stuff about 3 times in 6 years. So haven't bent her ear all that much. )

so you live in a different country and they still wanted you to be on the family Christmas card?

I think that is proper loony and actually quite amusing (from the outside obv).

It is controlling to a read-about-it-in-a-book-but-can't-believe-anyone-would-DO-it degree.

Just don't call. You are not cutting them off. If they call them read mumsnet while they witter on.

Good luck - it sounds horrid. Hugs even!

miserablemoralvacum- good on you, well done for taking decision today about what is important for you.
I apologise but have no advice on how I no longer have contact with my mother as she left when I was a teenager and it was more a position of me choosing to try and keep in touch and the yo yo from that. Your situation is very different. Good luck and there has been some wonderful advice on here about how to handle things and reduce the impact on your loved ones. I really really wish you well (as do all who post on your thread). All I can say is that from your posts you have a good surrounding network of loved ones (I did read about your sister) to remind you that you are a special person

are you always so prickly?you posted your stuff expect some answers.you dont have to like it obviously

Well done MMV! Just take it one day at a time - hope you enjoyed a stress-free sunday with your family

pmsl that SM calls someone else prickly... when they're thanking her

if i got it wrong i apologise i though shehad hump with me posting

SM - no no no I don't have the hump - that was a genuine thanks, and an explanation cos I realised I hadn't communicated well. Sorry if I pissed you off unintentionally.

no,no i got wrong end of stick.dont sweat it

see you can do it, you don't them x