...or is it DP? Is this worth splitting up over?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

DP has just threatened to leave "because I have done nothing to fix my relationship with my family and i'm dragging him down into my own vortex of misery".

I've posted numerous times on here about my annoying parents and sister, who are daft nutjobs who regularly make me miserable by being nasty. My mother said before christmas that she hopes my son hates me.

Another nasty phonecall today. My mother went on at me yet again about her objection to me sending out christmas cards to relatives - saying that I'm an embarrassment, the relatives don't want all my boring news, she will have to find out what i've been up to from the relatives because I never tell HER anything, she doesn't see why I have to "split up the family" by sending cards when my sister is perfectly happy to be included on the family card, etc etc. (my sister is 3 years older than I am, has a 10 year old child and a husband - they all get signed for by my mother on christmas cards, just like they get houses bought for them, cars bought for them, shopping done for them...). And there were nasty jabs about other things too.

As usual DH and I ended up in a post-match analysis. I hate these because he always tells me I've got to fix the relationship with my family. His family is totally reasonable. He just doesn't get why this is so broken and why it is unfixable. He does honestly try to be helpful. His mum is a psychologist so he does his best to apply the right techniques. But my family are mad. The techniques don't work. I have been depressed for years and am just spiralling further and further down.

He says I am just letting my family be unreasonable, encouraging them, then whinging to him. and that it's dragging him down and he is beginning ot think he'd be better off without the whole thing.

Basically if i tell my parents they are behaving unacceptably either (1) they say I can't take a joke and they weren't being serious and i should lighten up and learn some social skills, or (2) they go off on one at me for telling them how to behave and how i have no idea and I'm an embarrassment and the world doesn't revolve around me etc etc. Then they change the subject and start tearing strips off me for something else.

One of my mother's favourite topics though is undermining DP, cutting across me when I talk about DP to ask about other men i know (work colleagues fgs!) as if they are my boyfriends; and telling relatives "oh there's noone special, she has lots of friends" when they ask after me and my family - for GOD"S SAKE WOMAN I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON TOGETHER. DP IS NOT SOME CASUAL BOYFRIEND. She even did it at a party at DP's parents' place - told a friend of his parents that her daughter "didn't have anyone special". No wonder the friend looked bemused and got away as fast as possible.

Wiht my mother doing that kind of thing, well no wonder DP feels undermined and dragged down. I can see that he feels my family are a bunch of nutjobs and that i'm just being weak and letting them keep dragging everything through the mud.

I have tried counsellors, I have tried antidepressants, I have tried CBT (but the woman was an idiot so it wasn't any help at all). DP's mother is trying to not interfere but is essentially providing a personalised Relate service. Psychology techniques are getting us bloody nowhere.

ARRRGGGH. and now he wants to leave.

time to prioritise dh and child and stop being so introspective and embroiled in this detritus. maybe on a level you are unable to see how toxic it as as it your primary mode of communication with them

but after cbt,ad,etc you need to call it quits accept you all dont get on

stop using your mil as an informal psychologist.she should know her boundaries too and not get involved with family.as it crosses professional and personal boundaries.one cannot effectively deliver treatment to family or friends

Only call a few times a year. They're horrible to you anyway, so why try to make them happy?

When you call, if they start being unpleasant hang up. You don't have to listen to it.

They put the phone down on you, so why do politely end the conversation by which time you're in tears? Just put hte phone down.

Alternatively, take a book to the phone adn read while they're blathering. Then it can wash over you and you can end the call saying lovely to talk to you, bye, without any real emotion.

Arghhh, I was in this sitation a few years ago. It is truly poisonous.

I have now withdrawn from my family AND divorced - though ex h was violent, it wasnt just my family.
I think your dp is being a bit specious about you withdrawing from your family.

firstly, the situation is making you miserable, and he ought to be interested in making you feel better, not making you act out an excercise in a psychology textbook.

secondly, your parents dont seem to worried about whether you are going to look after them in their old age, as they seem to feel that they are allowed to get away with anything. (Are you sure that you figure in their plans for their old age?)

If you dont make a clean break, then I think the zero tolerance policy is the only option. these are adults, they will not change their behaviour unless they get a shock.

You aren't a child though you are an adult. Adults can phone who they want when they want. You don't have to do things their way any more. Phoning once a week isn't helping anyone as they are still unpleasant. I'd cut back how often you phone them to every month or 2 and if they moan say you'd contact them more frequently if the contact was pleasant and you enjoyed each others company rather than sniping.
Stop using the speakerphone as well and have quiet brief phone calls when your husband is in another room.
My family get on but if I phoned my dad once a week he'd wonder what was wrong and I'd phone him less than weekly if I didn't like him.

I have been thinking about your post all afternoon, I wish there was something we could do.

Do you work? or have much else going on in your life besides your family?

Do you have a really good bitch about them to your friends or has your depression got so bad that you have cut yourself off from your friends?

If you aren't going to go back to the GP for help how about trying to fill every waking moment with activity to stop yourself dwelling on this? Join a gym, the PTA, go out for a meal with DP, get a dog and walk it, do a degree, garden, volunteer. Anything to keep your mind off them.

It may help your self esteem but I can't help thinking that if you have had to live under their influence all your life you may need professional help to deal with this once and for all.

i get the feeling you've become somehow lodged between two disparate parties, both of whom have unrealistic expectations.

both are wrong and are applying pressure on you to conform to their perseption of acceptability and 'normality'.

it is time to put your foot down to both your family and your partner.

he may have an entirely reasonable set of parents and siblings etc... well lucky him. I fucking don't and you absolutely don't.... that doesn't mean you need to forge a relationship with them. he's WRONG.

it may displease him for you to call time on your poisonous maternal relationship (and i agree you'd probably end up not seeing any of the other players in this story) but really that tough shit... it's not your fault your mother is an arse. you've gone far beyond the call of duty and it's now compromising your mental health. SURELY that should be of more concern to him??? If your perilous state of mind isn't his priority in this situation i'm concerned that he's a tad manipulative himself.

the answer is clear but from what you say it would mean displeasing your partner. if he's not willing to see it from your side and back you up then you must be clear to him that you expect him to take a more supportive stand in cutting the tumour that is your family out of your life.

a personal counsellor who knows none of your family would be an excellent idea- someone you can see regularly to divert your absolutely understandable anger at.

and don't get miserable- get angry! these people have no right to treat you this way.

I rather like seabright'sapproach tbh,temporary break and you get to decide how temporary as and whn!

Dh cut contact with his Mum a while back, has done him a world of good andccertianly improved his depression.We did try to go back but it went drastically wrong and confirmed the decision.I have had to keep out of it though- has to be entirely his call, whatever he chooses to do.

perCeption

Whatever you do MAKE A DECISION and stick with it. Its not only your horrible mother and the rest of your family (who are clearly bullied into submission by her)and your DPs exasperation with your vacillation, thats causing you so much distress, but the constant uncertainty you are living with. To go on in this state of unrealised hope that all will be well for years, with a future which looks more of the same, is crippling to anyones mind and will always result in depression.
I hate to say it but you must cut your mother from your life. keep the door open to the others unless they continue to behave in this toxic way,(if so they're out too!) It may seem harsh and final but the alternative is to carry on as you are. Is that really what you want for the next x number of years?

just ignore your mother, and cease contact with her unless you really have to get in touch in an emergency.

I don't blame your DH. He's fed up hearing about it all and just wants some peace and quiet. I know this because I've not got a great relationship with my own mum and DH hears about it when I moan about her, and he gets fed up hearing it. He says stop talking about it, it's boring now. Which is fair enough.

Try and see it from his POV.

I think Dittany says it well.

I do think your DH is being U. OK be annoyed by someones family if necessary- goodness,my MIL- well nuff said. But why would I leave DH over that one thing,or indeed his past depression? It wouldn't be enough if I loved him, it'donly suffice if I werelooking for an excuse tbh.

And he might be better off without you? And his child? Would his child be better off with one parent?

Something rings alarm belslbut I can'tsay exactly what. Don't cut them off.... becuase you will need them when I go, perhaps?

Sorry,,feelI am being terribly cruel to you OPtyping that but it is waht shouts at me as someone who ahs been there (in your DH's shoes) and gotten every single t-shirt along the way.

partners/friends aren't empty vessels to offload emotional debris into.eventually anyone would get their fill and think well do something then

i recommend a more neutral less embroiled person.your dh loves you and cant impartially advise you how to engage with a family that causes you pain

Tjhat'strue SM and Ihave lost my rag at times(what Peachy being unreasonable? Surely not )

But I wouldn't threaten to goover it,that seems extreme.

yes,but in throes of argument or high expressed emotion we all say things we dont mean

saying it is indicative of his ire
but certainly one wouldnt act upon it

Again true- I suppose the OP will knowif she thinks he means it,and that might be the basis foradecent chat I think.

Areyou really meaning this / do you actually loveme/ what would you do to fix this etc.

At best it could be him letting off steam,but at worst it could be that the aprents aren't the only bullies here.

Either a) don't have any contact with the members of your family who treat you like this

or b) do keep in contact with them and don't talk to your DH about it.

He doesn't want to hear about it and as others have said it's hard to see why you are still in touch with them.

my reading of this situation is that your parent(s)are utter control freaks who have bought and paid for your sister and her family and are totally dismissive of you and yours because you have not allowed yourself to be similarly compromised.

Your mother sounds controlling to the point of lunacy.

I'm betting your sister can't make a cup of tea without them having their say about which teabags she should use because they are paying for them. Unless she and her husband are a pair of mindless spongers this must exact its own price in their lives.

so, here's what you do - don't cut them off - let them cut you off - write them a letter and tell them what your grievances are and how you want them to treat you both in future and say that if they are not willing to comply not to bother contacting you again.

Then stop driving your husband bonkers by inflicting those god awful skype conversations and their aftermath on him. I don't blame him for losing patience with it all.Life is way to fucking short for this crap.

Then forget them, don't talk about them, change your bloody phone number and don't beat yourself up about them - get on with enjoying your life.

your parents are making you so unhappy you are considering splitting with the father of your child. That probably means your child would be deprived of a father because how long would you then resist them belitting the child's dad. I think you need to be told - bluntly, because nothing else will really make you think - that it's time to grow up. You are acting like a child.

You can not change other people, you can change your reaction to them. Put the phone down when your family are unpleasant, you don't have to listen to that. If you feel you have to maintain contact write nice chatty letters full of what your HUSBAND is doing and how great he is to you. If you visit and they are horrid get up and walk out.

Just a thought to add regarding OPs Husband and his views on not wanting her to withdraw from her family. I think that people who have good, close, loving and supporting family relationships think that this is achievable for everyone and can't understand or envision the situation you are in. I am not in any contact with my mother and one ex made huge efforts to get us to be in touch as he could just not get that a mother and daughter cannot get on. I am perfectly happy with my situation of no contact and it has become very normal for me. I used to be embarassed about it (as a teenager). I think your husband is being supportive in the way he knows and not realising that a good relationship does not work for every family

I have to agree with everyone who has told you to cut off contact with your mother and sister. That is the only way I can see to solve the problem.

I've not had contact with my family since late 2007 for very similar reasons. It's hard, there's no denying that, but there comes a point when enough is enough.

I don't see how the counselling or anti-depressants could have worked, given it doesn't sound as if your family will even admit there's a problem with their behaviour let alone make changes to it.

You need to do what's best for you and whatever that is your DP needs to support you in it. Him threatening to leave because of it, but rubbishing any solutions you offer isn't productive.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Thanks all. Since DS went to bed we have discussed stuff. DP doesn't want to leave but is utterly fed up. I see his point.

for those who have cut off contact - how did you do it?

I am thinking sending a letter explaining that I need time off, to sort out my priorities.

i also need to find a way of being less iserable and more focussed generally. Depression has taken a massive toll on my work - spending days staring into space miserably going over and over horrible interactions, instead of doing research.

if I could find a way of concentrating better then I could rightly use my career as a way of improving self esteem. But for the moment my concentration is absolutely shot, i have unfinished stuff sitting everywhere, zero publications last year.... zero motivation to get any of them done. Stared at the computer for a few hours today, pushed some words around, achieved absolutely nothing.

DS, housework, good food and exercise have taken priority over everything. The problem with all except DS is they are relatively mindless and give too much time to think, and it doesn't really matter if you don't concentrate.

no letter to terminate,it will lead to lengthy recrimination etc. be cordial and cold.you take control,next time you hear from them set a limit say3-4min and then politely firmly end

no long ohh and ahh as to why.just dont return calls.be cold and cordial.don't rise to any bait or inflammatory comments

dont return calls
dont email