...or is it DP? Is this worth splitting up over?

[miserablemoralvacuum]

DP has just threatened to leave "because I have done nothing to fix my relationship with my family and i'm dragging him down into my own vortex of misery".

I've posted numerous times on here about my annoying parents and sister, who are daft nutjobs who regularly make me miserable by being nasty. My mother said before christmas that she hopes my son hates me.

Another nasty phonecall today. My mother went on at me yet again about her objection to me sending out christmas cards to relatives - saying that I'm an embarrassment, the relatives don't want all my boring news, she will have to find out what i've been up to from the relatives because I never tell HER anything, she doesn't see why I have to "split up the family" by sending cards when my sister is perfectly happy to be included on the family card, etc etc. (my sister is 3 years older than I am, has a 10 year old child and a husband - they all get signed for by my mother on christmas cards, just like they get houses bought for them, cars bought for them, shopping done for them...). And there were nasty jabs about other things too.

As usual DH and I ended up in a post-match analysis. I hate these because he always tells me I've got to fix the relationship with my family. His family is totally reasonable. He just doesn't get why this is so broken and why it is unfixable. He does honestly try to be helpful. His mum is a psychologist so he does his best to apply the right techniques. But my family are mad. The techniques don't work. I have been depressed for years and am just spiralling further and further down.

He says I am just letting my family be unreasonable, encouraging them, then whinging to him. and that it's dragging him down and he is beginning ot think he'd be better off without the whole thing.

Basically if i tell my parents they are behaving unacceptably either (1) they say I can't take a joke and they weren't being serious and i should lighten up and learn some social skills, or (2) they go off on one at me for telling them how to behave and how i have no idea and I'm an embarrassment and the world doesn't revolve around me etc etc. Then they change the subject and start tearing strips off me for something else.

One of my mother's favourite topics though is undermining DP, cutting across me when I talk about DP to ask about other men i know (work colleagues fgs!) as if they are my boyfriends; and telling relatives "oh there's noone special, she has lots of friends" when they ask after me and my family - for GOD"S SAKE WOMAN I LIVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE HAVE A 5 YEAR OLD SON TOGETHER. DP IS NOT SOME CASUAL BOYFRIEND. She even did it at a party at DP's parents' place - told a friend of his parents that her daughter "didn't have anyone special". No wonder the friend looked bemused and got away as fast as possible.

Wiht my mother doing that kind of thing, well no wonder DP feels undermined and dragged down. I can see that he feels my family are a bunch of nutjobs and that i'm just being weak and letting them keep dragging everything through the mud.

I have tried counsellors, I have tried antidepressants, I have tried CBT (but the woman was an idiot so it wasn't any help at all). DP's mother is trying to not interfere but is essentially providing a personalised Relate service. Psychology techniques are getting us bloody nowhere.

ARRRGGGH. and now he wants to leave.

tell your dp to make his fucking mind up - is this your vortex or not?

if it is your vortex - then you should deal with it how you see fit

tht said

you can't go crying like a whiney bitch to dh and his mother - if you don't just cut them off

so cut them off - change your phone number. mobile and landline =- and do it now

tell your dh - that you don't want the drama anymore that you are not a personal episode of jeremy kyle. your family are poisonois - its causing upset within YOUR nuclear family.

THEY ARE NO LONGER IMPORTANT. your first family is dp and children. this is now your family - everything and everyone else are secondary.

so tell dp that you love him so much and you love your family so much that you will no longer let your family interfere with your emotional state. therefore you are cutting them off.

when he says " that won't solve anything"

remind him that it is your vortex of misery - and you will deal with it as you see fit

then dont bitch at him that you " wished you had a mother like other people" or " so sad i can't buy my mother anything for mothers day"

make a decision - keep firm - and don't bitch about it once its made

I've thought about this a bit more and I'm going to fly a kite ...

Is this a possible reason why you don't stand up your dm?

If you do, you are effectively giving her a choice: Accept you can't treat me like this (with all that entails ie. changing your view of me, of yourself, how you behave with others, especially me, and thus your world-view,) or get out of my life.

And you are scared she'll choose to leave, rather than accept you/modify her behaviour?

In order to give her that choice, you need to feel secure about yourself enough to withstand the fact that you dm has chosen to abandon you.

In order to give her that choice, you need to accept that there is no middle ground. ie. all the work you have tried to do on transforming the relationship has come to nought and will go right on coming to nought.

In order to give her that choice, you have to accept that you're in an "all or nothing" situation; and that attempts at mediation, transformation are pointless.

In order to give her that choice, it means accepting that the relationship you have with her, even if she doesn't choose abandonment, will mean that your relationship with her will always be different, will not be normal, will mean you effectively erecting a boundary and patrolling it, vigorously.

We all hope that we don't reach that point, we all hope that our parents will love us for who we are. But sometimes it just doesn't happen.

I do think you should have a look at the Stately Homes thread. You're not the only one with a family that hasn't lived up to the hopes we all have of a place of comfort and support.

Have I read this right? Your husband is leaving you because you haven't fixed your relationship with your family - and that is your fault becuase you are being unreasonable??

That is totally wrong!

My opinion is that you need to cut off all contact with your mum etc (and never look back) with your family - that is before even considering what is going on with your DH.

Regarding your DH, I think you need to explain to him that your family are toxic, and you have tried to fix it but it is not happening, therefore you are not willing to break up your own family (you, him and DS). And then you need to stop talking about it! Sorry if this sounds harsh - but toxic people eat away at you - you need to push any thoughts of them out as soon as they appear.

Hope you can sort this. I really don't think you should break up because of other people.

Could you and your husband talk to your mum together about how much her comments affect you?
If she won't listen then you will be able to explain to her that you feel you can't stay in contact but at least you will have done the right thing by trying.

Your Mum is nasty to you...you get upset and hash it all over - again and again - with DH and his mother, it;s a pattern, nothing changes.

Either find a way to distance yourself from your mother emotionally - don't let her nonsense get to you, think 'this is her, not me' and give non-committal replies and don't engage, or cut her off. OR if you stay engaged and getting wound up and dancing to her unpleasant tune, then keep it to yourself and don't bring DH into it: take responsibiliyt for your vortex, as he calls it. Otherwise you are forcing him into a position where he can advise and support but has no influence, or else mking him endure second hand your mother's unpleasantness.

has your mother ever said why she gives so much to your sister and not you?

Your husband is thinking of leaving you, yet your whole (huge) post is about your messed up family?

Sorry, but your priorities are a bit skewed.

Seems like you have no freedom to have your own feelings in any of your relationships.

But seriously, isn't it exhausting to constantly be reacting to what your family does?

sounds like your DH is being quite controlling too as well as your mum being truly awful. how is your mums relationship with her/your in-laws?

What do you want?

cut your mother out, and don't talk about her. only talk about the positive stuff that's going on with other family members.

i think you are in a very difficult posiiton, but it'd be a shame to split up over this. your husband is probably genuinely feeling dragged down by it all (as are you!).

so your mother seems the one to lose.

respond to the pleasant relatives and ignore the negative ones.

sorry i missed that your husband wants to leave.. blimey.

I cut my mother out - best thing I ever did. The past stuff hurts me and not havin a Mum hurts me but now I have no contact I know she can't say thing to upset me and thats a good feeling.

ok. Thanks for the replies.

I see my DP's point of view in that it is unfair on him. I don't think he was totally immediately serious about leaving, but that he was for the first time voicing something that has probably been in his head for a while, in the hope it would shock me into changing something.

I increasingly agree with the "no contact" approach suggested by many people on here. It might make sense to do it as a erm... "temporary" measure to distance myself enough that I could just let my mother wash over me and ignore her when (if) I resumed contact.

To those who asked about why I call him DP and not DH, i am more comfortable with "P" than "H" because he is my partner because my parents usually refuse to take seriously relationships that are not marriages. So the term "H" grates on my nerves, despite the fact I am completely committed to him.

i'll think some more.

So you can't cut her out because he doesn't think it's the answer, but he's had enough and is threatening to leave.

Well if we give him the benifit of the doubt and assume that it's been driving him nuts and upsetting him seeing you so upset. Then how about you tell him (not ask) that you are going to have a break from her. Keep your distance for something like three months and see how much difference it makes to your relationship with DH.

sounds like your dh is desperately fed up with the whole situation, as you are. I have drastically cut back contact with my parents (for far less bad behaviour on their part) and I am much happier because of it. I no longer suffer from depression and hope in the future I feel able to increase contact/be more involved with them to help them through their final years.

I think your DH and his mum should both be able to support you emotionally if you decide to (temporarily?) cut off your family because they will understand you are doing it so you can move on with your life with your husband.
maybe it will help you to write a letter to your mum (write it now while you remember everything) explaining why you are doing this, but not send it for a couple of months until you are sure she is trying to contact you. If she writes a reply, you have already told DH this is a temporary situation so you will be free to consider her response. It sounds like your mum maintains contact and gets something out of the contact with you, but it is a negative relationship that she has got with you at the moment.

It sounds like you are getting precious little support from anywhere at the moment, which makes it hard to consider big changes like cutting your mum out of your life. It was wrong of your partner to threaten to leave, but do you think he"s overwhelmed and wanting things to change?

The thing is, you can"t change the way your Mum is, and I appreciate that the fallout from cutting her out of your life could be too overwhelming to tackle on your own.

How about finding ways to ensure that you spend less time ruminating about what your Mum and family put you through? I know it can feel like this would be letting them "get away with it" but actually, it could be your route to some kind of freedom while you think about what to do next. Notice how many times a day your Mum and her actions pop into your head: you might be shocked at how constant it is. It could be that you are giving this woman too much power over your thoughts, and that IS something that you can take back for yourself.

Could you let DH know that you are going to try and give them less headspace, but will need his help to do so?

This isn't a permanent solution, as at some point you will need to think about who you want to keep in your life, but it could give you some breathing space.

Your priority is yourself and your child, not your partner and not your family.

You do not seem to be getting the help that you need from any of the adult relationships in your life. In fact they all seem to be pushing you around.

Could you go back to your GP and tell them how down you are feeling? Maybe they could provide different AD's or a different counsellor? I wouldn't have thought his mother should get involved in a professional capacity, bit of a conflict of interest there!

You owe it to yourself to get well so that you can be happy, and be the best Mum for your son.

Also can you explain a bit more about choosing to call him DP rather than DH? I may have misunderstood, but it reads like you are deliberately not referring to him as your husband in order to prove a point to your family. If that's the case, I can quite see how he feels that you would rather engage in battles with your family than give attention to him.

Your family (mother etc.) sound very disfunctional. Now I am not writing off disfunctional families by any means (I come from one); but unless a family is willing to recognise that their behaviours are unhealthy and work on it, then IMO, you have to walk away. Especially when you have your own family.

The drama; ups and downs; emotional upheaval and adrenaline surges etc etc that come from dealing with a family like this; are addictive.

But I honestly believe that once you have your own family, they become your priority and you have to work at not letting the negative external influences from your family come into your own home. Learned behaviours need to be broken and you have to try and have your own household be free of the ongoing dramas. I dont blame your DP/H of having enough of it all.

If you come from a family where none of this stuff is normal; it is utterly exhausting to deal with. Plus, I imagine that one some level, he worries about how this will impact your DC.

dysfunctional either. oops.

take control

broken record works well

No mum not wanting to hear that - if it continues put the phone down.

or is it that you don't know how to let go? or not really want to let go? In some way what would you have in your life if this stopped?

Get out and pick a couple of hobbies and have other things going on in your life

I think that your husband (or is it unmarried partner?) is fed up with your going on about this. Some people whinge andmoan so much to their partner that life is unbearable. All you have to do is shut up about them and deal with your family in your own way and don't keep on and on about it to your other half.

I'm not sure why you have so much contact with your family - especially if they are so unpleasant to you. How old are you?

I regard my family as DH, DS and DD. Their well-being occupies my daily thoughts. I'm fond of my "birth" family, we phone every other week or so, get together every now and again, but they have no more influence on my life than that. Works well and suits us all.

Detach. You don't even have to make a big drama of that, just retreat. Be cool, firm, and distantly pleasant. Don't be drawn into debates about who said what to whom in what tone of voice. Rise above it and concentrate on the people in your life who you like and are nice to you.

Your mother sounds awful.

But your DP is also being a twat! He doesn't want to hear about all the problems with your family, but he won't let you cut them off?

It's your job to "fix" everything or he'll leave?

You can't fix your mother. Your DP can't have everything perfect. I'd cut your family off and hope your DP can be decent enough to accept that.

You call him 'p' to prove a point to your family? How about calling him 'h' to prove a much more valid point to your husband. You're using his feelings as a weapon against them?