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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother could have got his nephew and nieces just a little present?

122 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 26/12/2009 23:58

My brother emailed about a month ago to say that he wouldn't be able to afford to buy the younger members of our family (1 nephew and 3 nieces)anything for xmas.
He was made redundant by his big city advertising agency a couple of months ago, not entirely unexpected, and with a payout too.

He has picked up work slowly and at the time of the email I offered him some work with a company I was working for, nothing glam, just unskilled but near to him and paid (around £500 for ten evenings work).
He turned it down, saying he wasn't having trouble finding work but they were slow in paying him.

I held my tongue. He has no kids of his own and asked a few years back for us not to send him presents - actually I think it's because he has everything he wants and a minimalist home, in a very nice area.

He is engaged and spends a lot of weekends away with the fiancée, twice in the last 2 months they've gone to Guernsey looking for a good spot to hold the wedding.

We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and just as I was about to prompt the kids to thank him, I remembered they had nothing to thank him for!
I'm embarrassed for him as it goes. He doesn't seem to realise that even a fiver in a card would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/12/2009 00:00

He doesn't have kids. That says it all, really.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 27/12/2009 00:07

True. But his nephlings are 17, 17, 12 and 3 so he has been an uncle for a while now. Me and my sis are both single parents so the kids don't get spoilt with presents, they really appreciate what they get.

OP posts:
TheRedQueen · 27/12/2009 00:14

YANBU.

I would normally also have agreed with Expat, only in the wake of the fact that my brother didn't buy my DD anything for Xmas despite having a DS of his own, I am having to redefine my parameters. Apparently, I am at fault as I only gave him one idea (a Numberjacks DVD) and he was unable to find one in the shops. Poor lad, he has apparently never heard of Amazon ......

expatinscotland · 27/12/2009 00:16

he sounds quite immature and selfish.

DontForgetToBreathe · 27/12/2009 01:22

YANBU but it's his loss. He will not have a close connection with his niece and nephews.

skidoodle · 27/12/2009 03:47

Yabvu

he can't afford presents. They are not entitled to presents.

It's not up to you to decide what other people should spend their money on (particularly if the answer turns out to be you or your children)

I'm embarrassed for you being so grasping. Why is it his concern if his sisters are single mothers? Why does that put him under any greater obligation to provide stuff (or cash) for his nephews.

I'm very close to my mum's siblings, most of whom never got me a christmas present, ever. Only children brought up with a nasty sense if entitlement will hold it against relatives that don't buy them stuff.

BitOfFunWithRudolph · 27/12/2009 03:58

Some people just aren't into doing presents. He is still family and you should keep in touch and take him as he is.

Tryharder · 27/12/2009 04:05

YANBU at all. My brother is similar - pleads poverty all the time but still manages to pay for holidays abroad and nights out with the lads.

No, your kids are not entitled to presents at Christmas as others have pointed out, but they have a reasonable expectation of a small gift from a close relative. He's mean - not only with money but in spirit. At the very least, he should have put a voucher in a card.

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 27/12/2009 07:54

YABU, my brother can only afford small gifts, last year the girls got stuff, this year DH and I got a joint present and the girls didn't, they don't care, I don't care, he thinks hard and buys something small that he can afford.

ssd · 27/12/2009 08:02

ah but Jack, thats the difference, your db thinks hard and the op's db doesn't bloody think at all (I have siblings like this and am talking from experience)

thats the galling thing, you don't expect your childless siblings to run around toy shops finding your child the latest thing, but a fiver in a card doen't take much thought, but apparently for some of them thats too much trouble

so op, not YANBU

sarah293 · 27/12/2009 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 27/12/2009 08:12

That's weird, so many different 'gift' threads, that response was meant for another.
He may think hard at times but he didn't get my mum a present last year, and my other sister hasn't bought any of us presents for years. And I haven't had a birthday present for years from him. (I have 4 siblings)

What I was meant to say was that sometimes people buy presents, sometimes they don't, that is their right and it is rude to insist that they spoend money on you or your children.
If your children get upset over this then that is no one's fault but yours I'm afraid.

motherbeyond · 27/12/2009 08:15

yanbu...my brother was similar,nothing for birth,christening,xmas,or 1st birthday.even though he has good job,was single,no mortgage etc my mum sorted him out!the prezzies have arrived,and he has grown up loads.

it's different when you don't have kids.my dh and i didn't get his sister's kids anything for years,and when we had our own,we felt really shit about it and apologised.she said she understood and remebered what it was like to be self-centred pre-kids!

it doesn't have to be a flashy gift.a colouring book/jigsaw from b&m bargains/primark only few pound.the kids don't care and it lets the parent know that their dc's have been considered

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 27/12/2009 09:48

Skidoodle, and Jackthehalls...My kids don't expect anything from him and certainly do not have a 'nasty sense of entitlement' (what a thing to say about children whom you have never met!).
I explained to them that their uncle couldn't afford presents this year and they don't have a problem with it at all.
He still manages to have weekends away with the lads, drinking etc.

His wedding in Guernsey is a bit of a headache for me and my sister as it will be expensive to get there and stay there with all the kids. But I wouldn't dream of not going, so I need to start saving now.
It's about taking the time, isn't it?

Motherbeyond you're right, just to let the kids know that their uncle thinks of them. My kids aren't greedy and would love just a visit from him. (He's been to our house three times in 10 years. I take the kids up their at least twice a year, so he doesn't forget what they look like!)

But my sadness in all this is that he is missing out, and it will hit him like a bolt out of the blue when he has kids of his own.

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 27/12/2009 10:39

YABvU.

GhoulsAreLoud · 27/12/2009 10:46

I don't think it really matters, does it? I bet your kids got loads of presents anyway.

MitchyInge · 27/12/2009 10:47

gosh it just doesn't matter who buys presents and who saves their £££ for nights out with their friends instead

I think YABU to dwell on it for more than a few seconds, is not a measure of your or your children's importance in your brother's life

am a single parent too but I don't expect my siblings to prioritise their spending/saving around that at Christmas or any time

VinegarTinselTits · 27/12/2009 10:53

How dare he have weekends away with the lads, what a selfish man

And arranging his wedding in a place of his choice and not yours, how bloody selfish of him to think that he can do this, sounds like its all about him doesnt it

And of course you dont at all bitter and jealous about how he lives his life at all

hackneyzoowithbellson · 27/12/2009 10:57

YABU, Christmas isn't about how many presents you or your children should get, or judging how others spend thier money, its about spending time together with your family and friends.

dinoroar · 27/12/2009 10:59

I can't decide if YABU or not. (My kids are young).

It is easy to please a 3yo for under a pound. A small party bag style toy will absolutely thrill a child of that age, so I think I would have got the 3yo something like that.

Not sure about the others, but presume that 12yo would be very happy with £5 in a card. Not sure exactly how tight his finances are - I do understand that £5 is too much for some people, but given his lifestyle, I should think it means going without a coffee and cake once.

madamearcati · 27/12/2009 12:19

Perhaps ABitU I would hate anyone to buy presents for me or my family if they thought they couldn't afford to.

StarExpat · 27/12/2009 12:33

Yabu about the presents. That's so silly. Who cares if he sends a gift or not? Like you said, you explained it to your kids and they were fine with it... gifts or lack of gifts imo is never a reason to get upset.

Yanbu for being upset with him for not taking time to visit or have you over more often, though. But, he doesn't have his own kids yet... so he doesn't understand how precious childhood years are, really. Not an excuse though.

SouthMum · 27/12/2009 13:34

YABU for use of the word nephlings

midori1999 · 27/12/2009 13:47

What VinegarTinselTits said...

winnybella · 27/12/2009 14:20

I'm surprised how many people here think that it's too much to expect your own brother to remember your kids on Christmas Day.
OP said that it feels like he is not making much effort to be part of kids' life and it seems to me that this is what is bothering her the most.
Frankly, Christmas for kids is about the gifts and if someone can't afford anything, then obviously that's ok, but from what OP has said it seems that is not the case.
So, here a small, symbolic gift should be expected, I don't think OP meant it in a materialistic way.

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