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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my brother could have got his nephew and nieces just a little present?

122 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 26/12/2009 23:58

My brother emailed about a month ago to say that he wouldn't be able to afford to buy the younger members of our family (1 nephew and 3 nieces)anything for xmas.
He was made redundant by his big city advertising agency a couple of months ago, not entirely unexpected, and with a payout too.

He has picked up work slowly and at the time of the email I offered him some work with a company I was working for, nothing glam, just unskilled but near to him and paid (around £500 for ten evenings work).
He turned it down, saying he wasn't having trouble finding work but they were slow in paying him.

I held my tongue. He has no kids of his own and asked a few years back for us not to send him presents - actually I think it's because he has everything he wants and a minimalist home, in a very nice area.

He is engaged and spends a lot of weekends away with the fiancée, twice in the last 2 months they've gone to Guernsey looking for a good spot to hold the wedding.

We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and just as I was about to prompt the kids to thank him, I remembered they had nothing to thank him for!
I'm embarrassed for him as it goes. He doesn't seem to realise that even a fiver in a card would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:

ssd · 28/12/2009 15:56

trulyscrumptious43, don't go and stand in the corner of the playground, there are some right nasty bitches on this thread, try to ignore them, they sound pious and bitter.

hope you get on ok with your db when he visits you, enjoy the time you spend together.

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 16:01

I don't think anyone is being pious or bitter. I am sure we are not alone in thinking it is odd for one adult to tell another adult that they have to spend their money on their family.

ssd · 28/12/2009 16:05

and BTW, when all you perfect posters start a thread in AIBU do you always write down your whole life story to explain exactly what you are meaning, or do you write what you are feeling about a situation thats happening and upsetting you and sometimes forget not everyone understands whats upsetting you? or are you all so super you write every last detail in the op? because it seems to be the op here is getting a right a**e kicking because she didn't explain her life story in the beginning, she just said she was a bit upset her db didn't think to acknowledge her kids at Xmas with a fiver in a card.whats so bad about that?

or is everyone on MN perfect all of a sudden?

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 16:10

We have all been criticised in AIBU, and if they haven't I have been enough for all of them.

The point of AIBU is to here different opinions.

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 16:15

Oh FFS ssd. It is truly pathetic to trot out the " oh I suppose you're all perfect" line.

GhoulsAreLoud · 28/12/2009 16:15

I think you should look at it from his point of view, which may be this:

He told you a few years ago not to buy him presents - probably in recognition of the fact that he was well-off and you weren't.

Now he's fallen on hard times - perhaps he expected you to reciprocate the "no need for gifts line" that he has been extending to you for years.

I do think it's rich that you think it's ok for you to not give him presents, but not vice versa.

ssd · 28/12/2009 16:18

Georgimama, I'll trot out whatever I like, same as you!

winnybella · 28/12/2009 16:49

Sorry but there is definitely the 'holier than thou' attitude on here.
Twinkle, I don't tell other adults to spend money on me, we just do it, because gift giving has been a custom in our family for ages.
God forgive me for even associating Christmas with presents

PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 17:11

winny the OP has been saying how her brother should spend his money.

I associate Christmas with presents, I ust don't expect them and sulk if I or dd don't get them.

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 17:13

You can trot out whatever you like, I'm just saying it's a pathetic argument. Perhaps some of the posters on this thread have missed large chunks of it? Toadstool it may be helpful for you to c&P as you suggested.

nothingofthesort · 28/12/2009 18:26

It was obvious from the OP that the non-presents were her only issue. Why else bring up the fact that he goes out most weekend and even had the audacity to go looking for a venue for his wedding? What on earth has that got to do with showing recognition for his nephews?

Now it's changed completely to all about wanting nothing but to show love for the bro. Purleese.

ssd · 28/12/2009 20:55

I don't need anything copied and pasted, I can follow a thread same as anyone else, thanks.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 28/12/2009 21:06

The facts are quite simple -

The OP doesn't buy her brother gifts at HIS request

He gave her advance warning he wouldn't be buying ANY of his neices/nephews a Christmas present

The OP could have said, AT THAT POINT, oh, even a £2 gesture would be much appreciated, I'll even sub you myself as it will mean so much to my dc to have something from their adored uncle. But she didn't.

Come Christmas day, the brother speaks to the OP and her dc. He acknowledges them on Christmas Day that way.

The OP then realises that her children have nothing to thank him for She feels embarrassed for him, even though he forewarned her. Which presumably took some balls to admit that he was struggling financially.

The OP's brother is coming tomorrow, could well be laden with gifts.

Casserole · 28/12/2009 22:17

I wish I knew the poor bugger, so I could text him and warn him to stop off somewhere on the way to the OP and stock up ...

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 22:30

Or turn around.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 28/12/2009 22:36

YABU.

I dont understand this entitlement thing.
I dont understand why a close relationship must equal presents at Christmas, and why lack of presents the opposite.

Take my inlaws. Our sons adore their grandma, and my BIL. I dont think they have ever received a present from them. They cant afford it. (We send them money regularly) My kids never expect anything from them, and have never mentioned it.

Yabba dabba du

muminthemiddle · 29/12/2009 12:16

I still agree with you op!

I look at it this way.
If I am lucky enough to be invited to say someones houes for a party I PERSONALLY would feel uncomfortable turning up empty handed.
Now this does not mean that when I throw a party I immediately note down in a special note pad who has and who hasn't brought a gift and the value and thought put into that gift and grade that person accordingly ect etc etc. Never inviting anyone again who hasn't scored a certain mark.
Turning up with say a bottle of wine when you intend to drink a bottle at someone's house is just manners to me.
look at all the threads about people moaning when they go to dinner at someone's house:
and there isn't enough food
the food is not "right"
the food is not vegetarian
there is nothing for the dcs to eat
the house is not tidy enough for them
the hosts go out
the hosts watch what they want to on Tv
the guests don't pay money to eat the dinner
the guests don't bring any food/drink with them etc etc.
their in laws don't want to see the dcs
the inlaws want to see too much of the dcs
their ex does/doesn't want to see the kids over Christmas

I think under these circumstances it is unfair to criticise the op.t

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 29/12/2009 15:52

But muminthemiddle - the OP's brother DID NOT VISIT HER ON CHRISTMAS DAY. That was never part of the plan. They spoke on the phone. He then, pro-actively announced he would visit the OP today.

BexieID · 29/12/2009 16:02

My brother still lives at home and doesn't buy anyone anything for b/days or xmas, not even a card.

mimmum · 29/12/2009 16:48

I agree with the op, I was upset that my single childless brother didn't take the trouble to get his neices my dds any gifts. But that was because he always gets gifts of his nephews, our sister's children. Maybe I'm just grasping and selfish.

StarExpat · 30/12/2009 14:48

not grasping and selfish. I just wouldn't think I or my ds would be entitled to any present, even if someone bought them for other members of my family, had taken a holiday recently, had bought themselves a new jaguar...etc.
Personally, I always give gifts, never arrive empty handed...etc. But I certainly don't judge anyone else who does differently. A gift is a gift not a transaction or something that you expect from someone if they do it for someone else. I guess there are two sides to this and people will always be one of two ways... oh well.

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