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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother could have got his nephew and nieces just a little present?

122 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 26/12/2009 23:58

My brother emailed about a month ago to say that he wouldn't be able to afford to buy the younger members of our family (1 nephew and 3 nieces)anything for xmas.
He was made redundant by his big city advertising agency a couple of months ago, not entirely unexpected, and with a payout too.

He has picked up work slowly and at the time of the email I offered him some work with a company I was working for, nothing glam, just unskilled but near to him and paid (around £500 for ten evenings work).
He turned it down, saying he wasn't having trouble finding work but they were slow in paying him.

I held my tongue. He has no kids of his own and asked a few years back for us not to send him presents - actually I think it's because he has everything he wants and a minimalist home, in a very nice area.

He is engaged and spends a lot of weekends away with the fiancée, twice in the last 2 months they've gone to Guernsey looking for a good spot to hold the wedding.

We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and just as I was about to prompt the kids to thank him, I remembered they had nothing to thank him for!
I'm embarrassed for him as it goes. He doesn't seem to realise that even a fiver in a card would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 28/12/2009 13:35

She didn't ask that they be simply acknowledged. Had she done that, people probably would have said, No, YANBU because it is certainly NU to want family members to be in your life and keep in touch and acknowledge their dc...etc. She asked that he give them a present.
No, winnybella, I don't view presents in a totally materialistic way. I just don't expect them. not ever. And I love my friends and family just the same, presents or no presents. We got DS presents. Some family sent him some (from overseas). We talked to others on skype, visited friends... it was all good. My sister is struggling financially. She didn't even say "I'm not getting your ds a gift this year" because she know I won't even mention it. And do I think she has failed to "acknowledge" ds because of this? Nope. She loves him, asks about him...etc. This is what is important to me. Because a present is not all that important, no matter how big or small. It's love - a phone call, skype, visit - that can all show love.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 28/12/2009 13:36

Janos - but the OP's brother DID ackowledge her children at Christmas - by speaking to them on the phone. Saying Merry Christmas (presumably) on Christmas Day. Is that not acknowledgment in your book?

GhoulsAreLoud · 28/12/2009 13:39

The bit I don't get from the OP is the bit where the DB is made redundant from his city advertising firm and the OP tries to make him take on some local unskilled work.

Where's the relevance? He should have taken the job so that he could afford presents for her children?

Don't really get that bit.

Janos · 28/12/2009 13:41

Oh right, I didn't see that bit about calling. Of course that counts as acknowledgement.

Still don't see why the need for all the spite and vitriol here?

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 13:41

oh, ok. He DID speak to the dc on christmas day. Oh, so he DID acknowledge them. Just reread the OP. So, it's all about a present.

Presents are lovely. Nice surprises to get. You may expect some presents from FC on xmas as a child, for sure. If you, as a parent, normally give gifts at certain times of year, it is natural that children will anticipate that it will happen as a pattern develops... not disagreeing with that.

I fail to see how the DB failed to acknowledge the children.

OP - when your children were on the phone with your DB.... and you weren't sure what to tell them to thank him for - you might have told them to say "thank you for calling" if he called or "it was nice talking to you. happy christmas".
I just can't see why lack of a small present is in any way a reflection on him acknowledging your dc.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 28/12/2009 13:45

Ghoulsareloud - I'd offered my brother work a month before he'd said he couldn't afford presents. I find jobs for friends all the time, it's part of what I do professionally. I just wanted to help him out.

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothingofthesort · 28/12/2009 13:50

Your OP sounds very childish, I'm surprised you even have to ask. Of course YABU. What a stupid thing to get worked up about.

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 13:52

be careful nothingofthesort or you'll be accused of being a bully

InMyLittleHead · 28/12/2009 13:55

YABU I think. He has lost his job and although he has other work (so is presumably busy, which is why he didn't take your work) funds are still tight. His fiance and wedding are obviously going to be the priority. He has said he doesn't expect presents off you - just leave it. It seems fair. I never do presents with my stepsiblings, and should they sprog I probably won't buy the children anything either.

nothingofthesort · 28/12/2009 13:58

Thanks for the warning Star . Didn't see those 'Don't be so horrible' type comments when I posted .

PandaEis · 28/12/2009 13:59

TBH OP i can see your point and agree with the 'christmas is for kids\presents for kids' sentiment posted earlier. i also can partially agree with the not entitled to presents sentiment made by many too. (that sounds a little odd to say i agree with both views but i understand and can see things from both angles)

now when i was growing up we were taught that we shouldnt expect anything in order to not be disappointed come christmas morning. my parents had little money and always tried thier best and it was very much appreciated. where we had become accostomed to not expect anything was from our grandparents. to cut a sobstory short, with there being 4 of us, my nan made excuses to only buy our presents from the 50p/£1 shop while buying expensive gifts like designer clothes and games consoles (sega mega drive one year) for my cousins. there are two in one family(my auntie) and 3 in another(my uncle) and we ALWAYS noticed the difference.

it all depends on how the child/children feels and if they dont see their uncle alot they probably wouldnt notice if a present is there or not.

we were made to feel like we didnt matter by our grandparents and in some ways i wish we hadnt been given presents at all. my nan still does this now with my DD and her 2nd cousins. i have made sure that DD gets her wishes from s and she doesnt expect presents from anyone else

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 28/12/2009 14:01

My apologies. I should have said "do something to acknowledge" not "get a present".
And as for my Little House on the Prairie accusation, it really makes me laugh, because we are a bit Town Mouse and Country Mouse with the girls in our family and my brother. But that's another story, and we're all very happy with what we've chosen.

I never at any point said that my children didn't get many presents. They get just enough.
I'm sorry but just because I didn't mention previous poverty in my original posting, it doesn't make me duplicitous.

And I have said many times to my brother that what my kids would really like best of all is a visit from him.

But guess what?
I've just had a text from him saying that he is going to come round later today.
Which is what we always wanted. To be able to show him that we love him and spend some time with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 28/12/2009 14:03

And I will DEFINITELY buy presents for his kids when he has them - I wouldn't deny myself the pleasure!

OP posts:
hurrydownthechimneytonight · 28/12/2009 14:04

hmm i think YABU.

DH and I dont have kids and dont expect gifts from the family at christmas. He has explained he cannot afford presents and I think that should be enough.

We had to contact family telling them we could not afford anything this year and everyone has been fine.

Plus untill you actually have children it does not seem a priority. £5 for each child is alot of money to some people. (esp as he has been made redundant he may be struggling to pay his bills)

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 14:13

I am glad he is coming to see the children, that afterall is what is important, not a gift

winnybella · 28/12/2009 14:49

It's great that he's coming, in your OP you said he's quite distant, so it's nice that you can see he cares.
I still stand by my assertion that it is a nice thing to do to acknowledge those closest to you (especially los) by a little gift.
Obviously I understand that sometimes people are really broke and cannot afford it.
But, for example, this year my DS got a £2 packet of toy plastic soldiers from sil. She lives in a different country, so gets to see him once a year at best, so this is just a little something to say she remembers and it's something she knows he will play with, so it counts double iyswim.
I think that attitude to gifts has a lot do do with different traditions in individual families and so maybe you shouldn't judge others harshly just because it's not an important part of your Christmas.

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 14:54

But if a member of the family is not buying gifts it is clearly not an important part of Christmas for them and thereore they should not be judged or found wanting.

PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

truoddsox · 28/12/2009 15:06

If he has asked people not to buy him gifts, why ahould he be expected to buy gifts for others? I agree that £5 per child is a lot hen theres 4 or 5 kids to give to. Presents at Christmas are not mandatory, and children should n't really be brought up to think that they are, it's just nice when you do get presnts. So I think YAB a bit U, tbh.

winnybella · 28/12/2009 15:09

Sure Twinkle, but even if I didn't give a s* about gifts but knew that it did to my sister, I would make an effort to get her little something. That is also what Xmas is about, isn't it, making those you love happy?
As opposed to 'well, I don't care so others shouldn't either'.

Twinkleandpearls · 28/12/2009 15:12

I suppose I am lucky that I don't think I know anyone who expects a gift and if they did I probably would not buy them one as I find it rude.

I do care about Christmas on a religious and family front. I do buy presents although I put much more effort into the food and the home.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 28/12/2009 15:13

Who knows? Maybe the poor maligned brother will actually turn up tomorrow with gifts for his nices and nephews that he and his (third) fiance lovingly made out of Guernsey-produced, er, produce. Or something.

winnybella · 28/12/2009 15:32

And in my family it would be considered rude not to put a bit of effort to get something, even if just a token.

midori1999 · 28/12/2009 15:39

"I've just had a text from him saying that he is going to come round later today.
Which is what we always wanted. To be able to show him that we love him and spend some time with him"

I really feel I should come round and confisctae your shovel... from your earlier posts that is clearly NOT what you wanted, but what you did want was your brother to buy your children a present as you felt this aknowledged that he had feelings for them. A mere phone call was not enough. At no point, until now, when almost everyone has disagreed with you, did you say you wish your brother would visit so you could all show him that you loved him....

People do disagree in life, some people feel spresents are important, sopme don't, but if people don't agee with you, don't start changing your story, just suck it up...