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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother could have got his nephew and nieces just a little present?

122 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 26/12/2009 23:58

My brother emailed about a month ago to say that he wouldn't be able to afford to buy the younger members of our family (1 nephew and 3 nieces)anything for xmas.
He was made redundant by his big city advertising agency a couple of months ago, not entirely unexpected, and with a payout too.

He has picked up work slowly and at the time of the email I offered him some work with a company I was working for, nothing glam, just unskilled but near to him and paid (around £500 for ten evenings work).
He turned it down, saying he wasn't having trouble finding work but they were slow in paying him.

I held my tongue. He has no kids of his own and asked a few years back for us not to send him presents - actually I think it's because he has everything he wants and a minimalist home, in a very nice area.

He is engaged and spends a lot of weekends away with the fiancée, twice in the last 2 months they've gone to Guernsey looking for a good spot to hold the wedding.

We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and just as I was about to prompt the kids to thank him, I remembered they had nothing to thank him for!
I'm embarrassed for him as it goes. He doesn't seem to realise that even a fiver in a card would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:
evensunnierdelight · 28/12/2009 08:09

Nobody is entitled to Christmas presents, not even kids. Get over it (and if you post in AIBU you need to realise that not everyone will agree with you - if you want sympathy look elsewhere). Being snitty to midori because she doesn't agree with you is unreasonable!

Rhian82 · 28/12/2009 08:16

YABU - nobody has an entitlement to presents. And he told you in advance he wouldn't be doing them, it's not like it was a shock on Christmas Day.

mistletoekisses · 28/12/2009 08:18

YABU

He still doesnt have any children. By the time he buys presents for 4 children (both at birthdays and christmas), it is not a small amount of money in anyones books.

DH is one of 4 siblings and married much later than them. He had a good 10 years of buying 6 nephews/ nieces both sets of presents (with no children for him to reciprocate)...and he had absolutely no issue over this and never ever expected anything back. But I can tell you that at circa £20-£25 each time for each child, it wasnt cheap.

My point being, if an uncle/ aunt wishes to buy presents, then great. If not - then surely that is ok too????

I think he is perfectly within his rights to have a different set of priorities for his money.

YABVU

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 08:19

Maybe no babies will come along. Maybe he and his fiance don't want or like children very much. Not a crime. It's a shame that he doesn't sound very involved, but that is his choice and it is your job to make sure it doesn't affect your children by not making a big deal out of it.

ssd · 28/12/2009 08:23

whats with all this "nobody is entitled to Xmas presents" shite?

so you all come down the stairs on xmas day with your kids and nothings there? what do you say to your kids - you aren't entitled to anything? what a load of crap!

the op is peed off with her brother for not giving a toss about her kids at Xmas, and she's got every reason. he sounds like a selfish git.

no op, YANBU

and to all those who call her selfish and think she's terrible for wishing her brother was a bit more thoughtful, get a bloody grip!

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 08:27

I don't come downstairs on Christmas morning with my son with nothing there because I bought him some presents. He also got presents from family and friends (not all of them) and we were very grateful but didn't expect anything.

Wishing her brother was more thoughtful about the relationship in general and wishing he had splashed some of his cash on her kids instead of his nice bachelor pad, holidays with fiance and his wedding are two different things. The first is perfectly understandable, the second is bang out of order. It's not up to her.

Longtinsellyjosie · 28/12/2009 09:22

YABU. Your brother warned you there would be no presents this year as he is having cashflow problems. That really ought to be that.

PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 09:34

Well said georgimama.
ssd nope, no one is entitled to presents. Don't be silly, if a family celebrates xmas and tells their kids they will have presents on xmas morning from santa or whomever, of course there will be some. Very different from feeling entitled to a gift for you or your dc from every member of your family / friends.
I'm also not bothered when I give a gift and don't get anything in return. so many people seem to think that this automatically entitles them to a gift. I also never pass critical judgment on the amount of thought put into a gift that someone has given me. Incredibly rude.

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 09:37

Also OP, it is not your place to judge how he spends his money. If weekends away to plan his wedding are important to him, then that's his business, not yours.
If he doesn't see them often and doesn't make the effort to be in their lives - that seems like the bigger issue (for you). A present on xmas/hand delivered or sent in the post isn't going to make a difference to his relationship with your dc. Do you really think sending a gift improves relationships like this?
If you do, I'm really sorry for you.

Georgimama · 28/12/2009 09:43

Not getting gifts if I have given someone one doesn't really bother me either expat. I don't see gifts as part of a transaction, I see them as gifts.

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 10:53

me too It is very comforting to know there are people of similar mindset

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 28/12/2009 11:40

Ok I want to finish this now. My children love my brother and if he can't make it over to see us then sending something token proves that he is thinking about them and puts them in mind of him.
I'm sorry but I think everybody's families do xmas differently. In mine we are all quite close and we always send something to the kids because it's nice for them to unwrap something, preferably while we are there to share the moment.
This year my sister gave me a jar of rhubarb chutney (home made, mmm), and she gave my son some Star Wars DVDs which she had cleared out of her attic, which he was thrilled with. She told him they were throw outs,and she gave my daughter a brooch from the charity shop.
This was lovely and I expect no more than the thought which it took. It really is the thought that counts.
My mum gave me some soap and made a quilt for the children. None of this costs much.
My complaint, such as it was, was that my ordinarily caring, if distant, brother was not seeing what a difference it would make to not send anything at all.
I know all about not having enough money for presents. For my daughter's second xmas I bought her an audio book for £10 in 5 x £2 weekly instalments, I was so poor. Fortunately we are better off now. But no way do I expect anyone to subsidise my xmas, it's just not necessary.

I have seen a different side of MN in all this. I am taken aback and hurt by all the vitriol and insults.

I am not grasping Skidoodle and HackeyZoowithbellson. If you had ever met me you would know that.
I am not bitter and jealous, VinegartinselTits. His life is not for me though I am very proud of him, I love my life as it is.
And being called selfish, immature and greedy by PrincessToadstool just takes the biscuit . Nice language too.

But thanks for the support too from the thoughtful posters. But I can't take this any more. I feel pushed into the corner of the playground by the nasty girls because I showed a weakness.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 28/12/2009 11:57

Well, I think you should re read your earlier posts and reflect then. Because you focus entirely on his lovely minimalist lifestyle, his expensive weekends away with his (third) fiance, and the fact that you are a single parent and your children don't get many presents. Your final post in which you try to plead some sort of Little House on the Prairie homespun Christmas vision doesn't really sit with how you presented your views earlier.

ihatetinselbob · 28/12/2009 12:19

my bil didn't buy anything for his nephews either, which has really annoyed me too.
He has two dd's and although money was tight for us we managed to get them something, even though it wasn't much.
Bil turned up at mil on boxing day, happily opened his presents from mil and the dd's opened thiers and then he announced he 'wasn't doing christmas this year as he couldn't be bothered'.
I was so and for my ds's, who are much smaller than his dd's and didn't understand why they didn't have a gift to open too.
If he had said something before xmas then it wouldn't have been so bad, but to not say anything till boxing day, has really made me mad.
He completely forgot/ignored both their birthdays too and it was ds2 1st birthday. We always get his dd something, i feel like not getting them anything but why should they miss out, just because their dad's a twat.
Sorry for venting on your thread.

mistletoekisses · 28/12/2009 12:32

Truly

If you want nothing but sympathy, then don't post on AIBU. On AIBU, you get honesty and brutal honesty at that.

I second what Georgimama has said; your OP does not sit in the same vein as your last posting. And for the so called 'nasty girls'. You came on here looking for an opinion and you got them. Just because you dont like the answers, don't go throwing the baby out with the bath water.

The truth is that the majority of posters think YABU. And since your last post, I think you are even more so.

PuppyMonkey · 28/12/2009 12:46

Xmas is such a laugh a minute int it?

PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 28/12/2009 12:57

Blimey the Christmas Spirit is really alive and kicking on this thread isn't? Some truly nasty comments here.

OP, YANBU to expect your brother to akcnowledge your children at Christmas.

ihatetinselbob · 28/12/2009 12:58

i agree this thread is on AIBU.
but the thread is called AIBU, not everyone come and have a go because you're in a bad mood and you want to take it out on someone.
Honestly some people on here can be right bitches, just for the sake of it.
Constructive comments are really helpful, nastiness isn't.

StarExpat · 28/12/2009 12:59

OP would you have been happy if he had just called to say merry xmas? Even if there was no material gift? Just wondering.

winnybella · 28/12/2009 13:18

Oh, FFS.
Would you cut her some slack, people?
What is the big deal?
OP said that her brother seems to be living rather expensive lifestyle, but cannot be arsed to wrap a £5 token gift and post it.
And you know what? Maybe it is different in different families? In mine we EXPECT little gifts from CLOSEST family members, as symbols that they thought about us and love us. IT IS NOT about being greedy and wanting bloody Rolex watches or dollhouses.
Maybe in your families it is different and the gifts are viewed purely i materialistic way, but that is not a reason to be so nasty.

ADingDongDandyChristmasLioness · 28/12/2009 13:21

But what if the penny does drop when (if) he has kids himself?

Lots of people don't really like or get children - even those they're related to - until they have their own. It's a completely different mindset. Or they don't really like any BUT their own. I've seen mothers on here say this quite frequently.

Your brother warned you. He's not just an uncle to your children, so he's made an across the board decision. He doesn't have a job.

And if you really would prefer him to come and play lego with them for an hour than to buy a present - tell him that.

Janos · 28/12/2009 13:29

"And you know what? Maybe it is different in different families? In mine we EXPECT little gifts from CLOSEST family members, as symbols that they thought about us and love us. IT IS NOT about being greedy and wanting bloody Rolex watches or dollhouses."

Well said winnybella.

Why are people being so spiteful? All OP has asked is that her bro acknowledge her children at Christmas and she's been accused of all sorts - Jealousy, bitterness, greediness, grasping.

Really nasty and showcasing MN at its worst.

OP hope you are OK and not taking the nastier comments to heart.

PrincessToadstool · 28/12/2009 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.