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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother could have got his nephew and nieces just a little present?

122 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 26/12/2009 23:58

My brother emailed about a month ago to say that he wouldn't be able to afford to buy the younger members of our family (1 nephew and 3 nieces)anything for xmas.
He was made redundant by his big city advertising agency a couple of months ago, not entirely unexpected, and with a payout too.

He has picked up work slowly and at the time of the email I offered him some work with a company I was working for, nothing glam, just unskilled but near to him and paid (around £500 for ten evenings work).
He turned it down, saying he wasn't having trouble finding work but they were slow in paying him.

I held my tongue. He has no kids of his own and asked a few years back for us not to send him presents - actually I think it's because he has everything he wants and a minimalist home, in a very nice area.

He is engaged and spends a lot of weekends away with the fiancée, twice in the last 2 months they've gone to Guernsey looking for a good spot to hold the wedding.

We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and just as I was about to prompt the kids to thank him, I remembered they had nothing to thank him for!
I'm embarrassed for him as it goes. He doesn't seem to realise that even a fiver in a card would have been a nice gesture.

OP posts:
RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:25

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qwertpoiuy · 27/12/2009 14:26

When we were children, we only got one present each from Santa, and we never got presents from any other relations - and certainly never expected them.

YABVU

RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:30

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Twinkleandpearls · 27/12/2009 14:31

YABU to expect that people should buy your children presemts

RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:32

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muminthemiddle · 27/12/2009 14:32

I think it is the thought that counts (see my thread)and he clearly does not think much of anyone but himself.
A small bar of chocolate would show that he does care and won't exactly break the bank will it?
No doubt he wouldn't think twice about calling on you op if he needed you.

Twinkleandpearls · 27/12/2009 14:35

I don't expect anyone to buy my child any presents, relatives or not. It is not up to me to say how other people spend their money.

RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:37

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RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:39

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hackneyzoowithbellson · 27/12/2009 14:40

Call me old fashioned, but someone said on this thread "Frankly Christmas for kids is about the gifts". This kind of attitude is sooooo depressing. Why does Christmas have to be about gifts? Presents are a small part, surely its about sharing a meal, spending time together, not getting upset over who got what from whom etc. Children can understand this. I give my Dcs presents, its lovely that other people think of them too, but it does seem grasping to expect a present.

Twinkleandpearls · 27/12/2009 14:42

One of my sisters has bought my dd a present and the other has not. My dd has not even noticed and I don't care. In fact I only noticed when I was thinking about this thread.

The sister who has not sent a present is not careless, she adores my dd but has other demands on her time, attention and money.

As a family there are lots of things that bond us, selection boxes and bath salts are not one of them

pooexplosions · 27/12/2009 14:42

Yanbu for feeling upset that he doesn't seem to care, but YABVU to expect presents for your children.

My DBIL gave the DC's a selection box each, which I know came from the stack MIL bought, so no effort required. BUT, he sat and played LEGO(from DFIL) with them for hours, and drew pictures and sneaked them quality street after I said enough! So, he's much to them than just another present, and I know which I'd rather have. But YANBU for feeling sad if you get neither side for your DC......

RubysReturn · 27/12/2009 14:43

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swanriver · 27/12/2009 14:51

I told my brother not to give the dcs any presents this year because
a)they were spoilt, and I thought they really wouldn't appreciate his efforts
b)he had always given them quite generous ones in previous years
c)he was strapped for cash, doing up new house etc.

so he brought them some gift vouchers as a compromise.
But I was wrong, because my husbnad was offended by him not bringing them presents, and the children hardly ever see him, so it was mean of ME to control present supply.
Just saying this because it shows that you can't really police these things.

What you could do is get them to make HIM a present or card next year, so that he feels really bad...

CHOOGIRL · 27/12/2009 15:20

I think YABU. When I was a childless sibling, I had 23 nieces and nephews that I was buying for at Christmas. Apart from the cost issue, it was a PITA trying to choose something suitable for everyone. I stopped a few years ago, and I doubt it has made one jot of difference to their lives or our relationships.

The 'nephlings' that I do see regularly get something on their birthday and will do until they are 21.

I don't expect the parents of the 23 (ie my DDs aunts and uncles) to get her anything for Christmas.

winnybella · 27/12/2009 15:29

It was me who said that Xmas for kids is about gifts- sorry, what I meant is that they are a big part of it: not necessarily how big they are, but the suspense, then unwrapping them- it forms part of Christmas magic imo.
Obviously, that special family time is v.important.
I just don't get the ' we don't buy gifts for anyone and no one buys gifts for us and that's how it should be' brigade.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 27/12/2009 21:00

What Rubysreturn said...It is particularly important for kids from single parent families to know that their extended family think about them.
But sadly no, he doesn't spend any time with the kids whatsoever. I would give up any gift he's sent over the years in exchange for an hour sat talking or playing with lego with the kids...

And what winnybella said too about the magic of xmas.
I don't 'expect' anything material at all but if you can't be bothered to visit then yes, wrap up a £2 selection pack as someone suggested...They haven't had one of those for years, they'd be made up!

But I'm really taken aback by the accusations of my own selfishness on here. I think of my own nephlings (haha do you think it will catch on?)
I wish I'd had Ruby's succinct eloquence when I posted this thread.It's enough to make me log off never to return. You lot can be scary.

OP posts:
midori1999 · 27/12/2009 21:30

trulyscrumptious, your DC are your responsibility, not your brothers. Single parent or not, that is not really his fault or problem.

CHOOGIRL · 27/12/2009 22:16

Sorry OP, agree with Midori. Your brother has his own life and priorities that do not involve your DC. If you want him to be more involved with your DC's (father figure?), then ask him. Be prepared, however, he may not see this as his responsibility.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 27/12/2009 22:19

Children are no one's fault or problem. Is that how you see yours, midori? What a sad outlook.
Mine are a joy which I would like my brother to be able to share in.

OP posts:
midori1999 · 27/12/2009 22:33

Oh dear... nope, I dont' see my children that way.... and I was in fact referring to the fact that are single not being his fault or problem, not your children... sorry you are so sensitive because some people don't agree with you...

However, nto everyone likes children, and not everyone is particularly interested in children that are not their own. Despite the fact you see them as a 'joy' (which is wonderful for them and you, btw) that doesn't mean everyone else, including your brother has to. In fact, maybe he doesn't as he clearly choses not to spend much time with them... doesn't make him a bad person, just means he has his own life an disn't wrapped up in yours...

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 27/12/2009 22:41

This situation has been going on for a while and in fact it caused my dad, who is lovely and never judgemental, to actually say that he wondered if my brother liked children at all?
In my (large, noisy) family this is something strange and unknown...
Well if my brother gets married (on his 3rd engagement now - the ladies seem to be the commitment phobes)I'm sure some babies will come along and then the penny will drop.

OP posts:
carocaro · 27/12/2009 23:18

YANBU, my brother is the same, he asked me to put £10 in a card for my DS's and for my Gran's birthday flowers and card.

He has more £ than me! He never gives it back. Why I let him do it, no idea.

mumeeee · 27/12/2009 23:20

YABU, He said he can't aford to give thenm a Christmas present. Even £5 in a card is a lot to some people.

midori1999 · 28/12/2009 00:09

Gosh, disliking children is not a crime, an dthis is 2009, not everyone who gets married automatically feels the need to have children, and, shock horror, not everyone wants children...