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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my uncle really shouldn't consider himself a Christian

118 replies

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:26

My dad has only one sibling, his younger brother. My dad is 75, his brother 7 years younger. Their mother (my nan) is 99. She lives on her own (by choice) and every year she either spends Christmas with my family or my uncle's. Said uncle was supposed to visit her on Xmas Eve as she was spending the day with my family this year. He didn't go, telling her he was 'too busy'. And then he 'forgot' to call her on xmas day. He rang my dad last night about 7pm and said he thought it was too late for him to call her and he'd ring her today instead.

She rang my dad this morning and my uncle still hadn't called her.

AIBU to think it's a bit bloody rich to consider yourself a good Christian (he is a Church warden and 'very involved' in his local church) when you can't even be arsed to contact your elderly mother at Christmas?

OP posts:

CoqAuVin · 26/12/2009 15:27

hey he isnt a PERFECT christian is he?

did you visit her?

beyondfurious · 26/12/2009 15:28

how do they get on?

I'm a Christian and I don't visit my mother.

She's a cow. And haven't seen her for 20 years.

essenceofSES · 26/12/2009 15:39

Difficult one. Looking in from the outside it seems very sad and uncaring that he hasn't been in touch and therefore , yes, you could say unchristian.
However, I'm sure as a christian, I could have done more this Christmas. I have a really good friend who's not a christian but has given up 2 days to work in central London looking after the homeless. I feel that that puts me to shame a bit.

Not my place to make judgements on others - got enough of my own life and behaviour to sort out first!

donnie · 26/12/2009 15:42

are you saying that only religious people are capable of being nice and kind? do you need to be an atheist in order to be remiss in some way? poor choice of words I think you will agree.

if he is a church warden he will have been incredibly busy at church - probably - with the crib service, carol service and midnight mass on xmas eve plus the 2 xmas day services.Do you think he is lying about being busy? or do you know for a fact that it's because he 'can't be arsed'?

sarah293 · 26/12/2009 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:51

They get on fine - there are no issues in their relationship as far as I know - he visits her every other week and calls in the weeks he doesn't visit normally. He is the favoured son by a long way and is always happy to accept money from her etc. I spent Xmas day with her CaV.

I don't know how busy he was over Xmas - I'm an atheist. How busy do you have to be to let your elderly mother down when you've promised to visit on Xmas Eve? And surely you shouldn't be prioritising your church duties over those to your family or have I totally got the wrong end of the stick about Christianity? I thought it was all about being nice to people?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/12/2009 15:51

Your right Riven, just because you go to Church, help at church etc does not make you a true Christian, it comes from the heart, how you live your daily life, love thy neighbours and to be a good and decent person. There are some people that call themselves Chrisitan who would walk past some who needed help like the good Samaritan.

Uriel · 26/12/2009 15:57

Going by his normal behaviour - ie, visiting every other week and calling in between, I'd say you need to cut him a bit of slack.

CoqAuVin · 26/12/2009 15:57

maybe if he was a buddhist we could let him get away with it

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:57

Why should I cut him some slack? He's got one parent? It's pathetic.

OP posts:

Uriel · 26/12/2009 15:58

Maybe he's got health issues/been in hospital recently...

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:59

He hasn't got anything wrong with him, honestly. I spoke to him last night.

OP posts:

ChunkyChick · 26/12/2009 16:00

I would feel the same as you. He is a meanie.

CoqAuVin · 26/12/2009 16:01

maybe he hates her?

donnie · 26/12/2009 16:08

you clearly hate him, anyway! nothing like a bit of Christmas spirit, eh? !!!!

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:09

Maybe he does hate her. But she's 99, she's deaf, she's blind, she's a really frail old lady and even mass murderers generally get cut a bit of slack when they're really old.

If he doesn't want to have anything to do with her then he should just be honest about it, rather than letting her down. It was horrible having to hear her so disappointed

OP posts:

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 26/12/2009 16:10

Who are you to say who should or shouldn't be considered a christian? Are you some kind of expert on the subject?

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:12

I do dislike him intensely donnie. Largely because I think he's a fucking hypocrite. I think that's fair enough.

And Riven and pigletmania are right - it's the pretence at an inner faith that he doesn't have that sticks in my craw.

OP posts:

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:14

Not an expert at all AgentZigZag - as I've been pretty clear. I was brought up CofE though and it's my understanding that caring for others is pretty central but maybe I've misunderstood what it's all about.

It's the Christian bit that's getting all your backs up isn't it? If I hadn't said that I bet I would have got loads of YANBU.

OP posts:

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 26/12/2009 16:19

It seems that if anyone says they're a christian and they do something another person thinks they shouldn't be, they're unchristian, or unfit to be a christian. It's not for you or anyone else to say who can or can't be a christian, whatever your judgement of them might be.

Goblinchild · 26/12/2009 16:23

I've been given a fascinating book for Christmas, 'Inquisition' by Toby Green.
It's full of Christians.

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:27

But aren't there some kind of central tenets of behaviour that you consider critical to someone being a 'committed' Christian?

I didn't really intend this to be a theology thread but I am quite interested in that POV. Am I not allowed to judge someone for what I consider to be unChristian behaviour because I'm not God?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2009 16:30

I'm a bit rusty on this, but isn't one of the 10 Commandments 'Honour thy father and thy mother'? In which case the uncle's christianity could be said to be relevant.

But OP, you have said that he normally calls or sees his mother weekly, so this does sound like an aberration on his part rather than anything else. He's 68 - many people slow down at that age and he may have been caught out, still thinking he could manage all his commitments and then finding that actually he couldn't.

As for 7pm being too late to call her - well, my grandmother considered it impolite to call after a certain time, perhaps your grandmother does too and your uncle is respecting that.

I'm sure she was disappointed, but you do seem to be over-reacting to it a little. YABU.

AgentZigzagsAllGoosedOut · 26/12/2009 16:35

There are central tenents, but it's up to the individual as to how they aspire to keep to them.

It's not for anyone to try and exclude someone because they don't live up to this ideal some non-christians, and even other christians, have in their mind as to how someone should behave to be considered a christian.

You say you were brought up C of E to be caring etc, but your OP seems angry and you intensly dislike a member of your family. You've chosen not to be a christian, and that's fair enough, but it's not for you to judge who can be.

AMerryScot · 26/12/2009 16:37

If he is a church warden then he is pretty busy on Christmas Eve.

It's more important what he does the rest of the year.

I think it is best to worry about your own behaviour and not other people's. That is the only behaviour that you can control.

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