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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my uncle really shouldn't consider himself a Christian

118 replies

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:26

My dad has only one sibling, his younger brother. My dad is 75, his brother 7 years younger. Their mother (my nan) is 99. She lives on her own (by choice) and every year she either spends Christmas with my family or my uncle's. Said uncle was supposed to visit her on Xmas Eve as she was spending the day with my family this year. He didn't go, telling her he was 'too busy'. And then he 'forgot' to call her on xmas day. He rang my dad last night about 7pm and said he thought it was too late for him to call her and he'd ring her today instead.

She rang my dad this morning and my uncle still hadn't called her.

AIBU to think it's a bit bloody rich to consider yourself a good Christian (he is a Church warden and 'very involved' in his local church) when you can't even be arsed to contact your elderly mother at Christmas?

OP posts:

donnie · 26/12/2009 16:46

blimey the way you're going on about it you'd think he'd committed some terrible crime! I think your hatred is eclipsing your common sense and reason OP. Why are you so keen to turn this into a religion thread? Maybe he actually WAS busy?

anyway - whatever.

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:47

I am really surprised that people think I'm overreacting - wouldn't you be annoyed at someone who said they'd visit and then called that day and said they were too busy but they'd call tomorrow instead and didn't? I think that's really rude!

Also Christmas is a pretty important time for family in my world and so it seems a time when you should make a special effort to do what you say you're going to. And I can understand him letting life get in the way of his promises one day but two days in a row seems a bit rubbish to me.

I suppose what is also underlying my crossness at the situation is that my dad was very upset about it (because he was the one that got the real distress from my nan) and he's so much older than my uncle and really not in the best of health. My uncle not visiting or calling my nan cast a pall over our Christmas because we had two elderly people being upset and anxious at a time when they should have been enjoying themselves.

And thanks for the concern about my uncle's health but he's in fine fettle - he plays golf three times a week.

OP posts:

bloss · 26/12/2009 16:52

Message withdrawn

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2009 16:56

OP, you're obviously angry with your uncle, but - does he frequently let people down or is this an unusual event? I'd think you would have already mentioned it if it was the norm so I'm guessing he doesn't normally let your gran down. In your shoes, I'd be more inclined to be concerned about my uncle than angry with him. Has he taken on too much at his age? Is he unwell but trying to hide it so that he doesn't worry his mother, or anyone else for that matter?

But perhaps you are more focused upon "He is the favoured son by a long way and is always happy to accept money from her etc."?

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 16:57

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause offence about the Christianity. It's my mother who used to be a devout Methodist who always says that about him - as I said in an earlier post, I really didn't intend this to be a theological discussion and I guess it was a bit thoughtless of me to have chucked that into the mix.

I would love to run a parallel thread where I wasn't criticising someone's religious commitment as well as their behaviour - I bet I'd get a totally different reaction.

OP posts:

spokette · 26/12/2009 17:03

Well, you are clearly perfect. Jesus Christ came to save the imperfect not the perfect. It is funny how you seem to revel in pointing out the faults of those trying to live a Christian life and when they fall short, use that to condemn them.

Your uncle visits his mother all year round so the fact that he was a little tardy in contacting her around Christmas is no big deal imho.

I suggest you focus on becoming even more perfect than you already are and leave the imperfect, Christian hyprocrites like your Uncle to continue to strive to your standard of perfection. Don't wait up though because you will be sorely disappointed.

Merry Christmas btw.

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 17:05

Oh fucking hell I've pissed off all the Christians

Merry Xmas to you all

mwah

OP posts:

Curiousmama · 26/12/2009 17:17

I'm not a Christian but I used to be, never thought I was any better than anyone else but I would've had enormous guilt if I'd promised my elderly mother I'd visit/ring and didn't no matter what day of the year.
Did he sound ok on the phone? Is it usual for him to do something like this?
I do know plenty of so called Christians who really only go to church out of guilt or because they think it makes them better than others. Not saying he's like that though as I don't know him. I usually find though that they are the ones very involved in the workings.

I have many friends with no faith who are the best of people.

Curiousmama · 26/12/2009 17:18

Oh and didn't mean I'd feel guilt because of my faith but just I would feel bad because she's old and I love her.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 26/12/2009 17:22

I'm a Christian but didn't visit MIL this year and probably will not again- families are complex things though and there'srarely only the basics to a situation.
caring for others is central- Jesus commandment and all that- but being perfect is not. And also ( I don't necessarilymean for OP- that seems more striaght cut) caring for others shouldn't palceothers in a state of risk or crucially yourself: if I could actually makeDH visit MIL it would place him at risk emotinally and healt wise(he has a history of severe depression linked to her); taking my boys places them at risk becuase of how she treats the emotionally but also basic safety likeleaving door to a 6' deeppond open accidentally with the boys in the house.

It's abal;ancing act and as Christians we have to try to do our best whilst being aware perhaps that we willfail but that we areloved nonetheless. After all, if we were perfect then why would the revelation of God's love be a surprise?

Oh and i'm not pissed off LOL , I shall pray* for your repentance.

*joke. I hope clearly. I completely understand what you were trying to say,and I have thought it myself when i've been whispered about for sitting in the pew someone elselikes in Church or or years ago when SN ds1 was told off for stimming mid service: religious does not mean good (any religion) atheist does not mean bad, perfect andmost of us do the best we can regardless of what we might beleiveabout the meaning of everything

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2009 17:26

I think Christianity should be kept out of this.

Is he a god person?

I don't know. Maybe he was helping at a homeless shelter and felt his mother was being looked after sufficiently.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2009 17:27

Ha,ha, I meant good person!

Curiousmama · 26/12/2009 17:29

Lynette did you mean good?

Curiousmama · 26/12/2009 17:29

thought so

motherbeyond · 26/12/2009 17:34

agree op...mean not to visit or call..and think you're right about the christian bit.if you hadn't of mentioned that you would've been ok!

Northernlebkuchen · 26/12/2009 17:52

So - he didn't go on Christmas Eve - a furiously busy time in most houses. Then he forgot to ring till yesterday evening - again very understandable in my opinion. Finally he hadn't rung before 12 noon today but may have rung later?

Op - you are hugely over-reacting in my opinion. It's none of your business how he relates to his mother. he isn't obligated to do what you think he should. You and your father obviously did your bit perfectly so why don't you try dwelling on that instead of his supposed shortcomings.

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 18:03

So all of you who are saying that I should look at myself before I criticise him, you wouldn't be cross if someone said they'd visit you and didn't turn up saying they were too busy but they'd call the next day, and didn't? You honestly wouldn't mind? Gosh - what do people have to do to upset you I wonder?

And there is part of me that finds it really disturbing to wonder whether it's because I slagged him off for being a poor Christian that I'm getting so flack. I was astounded at how all those paedophile priests got away with it but I think I've just had a little window into how that might have happened ...

OP posts:

BetsyBoop · 26/12/2009 18:03

Also you don't know what he was doing instead of visiting/calling

An eldery lady's husband at our church is in hospital quite poorly, they have no kids. I overheard our church warden at midnight mass arranging for him & his wife to take her up to see her husband in hospital on Christmas afternoon. (She doesn't drive, no public transport, taxis very expensive obviously) Now maybe that meant they were missing out on visiting their own family, I don't know, but it was a very kind thing to do.

It wasn't nice of your uncle not visiting/calling his Mum but maybe it was a rock & a hard place choice?

Morloth · 26/12/2009 18:14

You did put Christian in your thread title though didn't you? So clearly that is what your problem is.

Christians come in all sorts of personalities. Selfish, kind, considerate, caring, uncaring, stupid, intelligent, family oriented, community focussed etc (usually a blend of all in the same person) just like everyone else from Agnostics to Atheists, to Budhists, to Muslims to Jedis.

Nobody is perfect and if I remember correctly all you actually have to "do" to be a Christian is accept that Christ was sacrificed because you are a flawed person in need of redemption. No deeds are necessary - I am pretty sure that is kind of the point of sacrifice.

MissGreatBritain · 26/12/2009 18:15

Spicemonster - I'm with you on this one. My DP's mother is "religious" but refuses to visit us as we're not married. She's never seen her grandson because of this (we can't visit her as she lives in Oz and too expensive for us all to go). I find the attitudes of many self-proclaimed religious/christian people are entirely selfish. DP's mother, for example, is trying to make sure she gets to heaven, so it's quite all right to upset her only son and grandson for the entirety of their lives if it ensures her ever-lasting life. Also know lots of "christians" who are happy to ignore others, not help those in need etc. I know not everyone is like this who has some sort of belief, but it's so easy to see it when you don't believe. It just seems selfish and uncaring. And yes, I do think your uncle was being selfish - to say he didn't have 5 minutes over 2 days to phone her, that's just an excuse. Sorry if I've offended anyone, but family comes before anything else in my book.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 26/12/2009 18:16

Spice I think you certainly wuld have got a better reception if you hadn'tmentioned faith, absolutely. The way the OP reads,its as if you expect never to encounter an imperfect Christian.

However whilst its true that he could have been doing something important you don't know about (medical thing he doesn't want to discuss, newpartner tooe arly to show about,whatever) and it is always charitable to make a note of that, its quite unlikely he couldn't have possibly made time to make acall during the day, so either he is somewhat uncaring, or rated the importance of the visit differently to you (FWIW I'dside with you on the import level).

Northernlebkuchen · 26/12/2009 18:17

Spicemonster - you are plainly totally bonkers. Priests - and people in general - are able to get away with abuse for a time because of the position of power that they hold in the community. I resent the implication you are making - that Christians tolerate abuse in fellow Christians because of their position of faith. That is deeply offensive.

VirginPeachyMotherOfSpod · 26/12/2009 18:19

MissGB- is th lackof visitng becuase she is trying to ensure she gets to heaven or becuase she wants her son to get there?

I think she is incredibly misguided with both (have liberal all but tattoed on my head I admit),but one is selfish,the other misguided but kindly in origin (very, very misguided and truly sad).

It is not Christian to judge others, but AFAICS unkind traits are fairly equally distrributed between th faithful (all faiths) and those who are not,and the wish to overcome these equallyso.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2009 18:20

OH look...BetsyBoop goes to the same chruch as SpiceMonsters uncle1

Original poster

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 18:21

Thank you Morloth for clearing that up and being honest. I was under the misapprehension that people that made a very public proclamation of faith were less likely to be selfish wankers but I am obviously wrong.

BetsyBoop - I know exactly what he was doing. I spoke to him on Xmas Eve and on Xmas day. So he wasn't ill/doing good deeds/whatever other feeble excuse anyone would like to come up with. He was at home with his wife. And on Xmas day, his daughter was there too with her DH and 2 DC, both NT, one 3, one 1. Is that enough information for people to stop making excuses for him?

OP posts:

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