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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my uncle really shouldn't consider himself a Christian

118 replies

spicemonster · 26/12/2009 15:26

My dad has only one sibling, his younger brother. My dad is 75, his brother 7 years younger. Their mother (my nan) is 99. She lives on her own (by choice) and every year she either spends Christmas with my family or my uncle's. Said uncle was supposed to visit her on Xmas Eve as she was spending the day with my family this year. He didn't go, telling her he was 'too busy'. And then he 'forgot' to call her on xmas day. He rang my dad last night about 7pm and said he thought it was too late for him to call her and he'd ring her today instead.

She rang my dad this morning and my uncle still hadn't called her.

AIBU to think it's a bit bloody rich to consider yourself a good Christian (he is a Church warden and 'very involved' in his local church) when you can't even be arsed to contact your elderly mother at Christmas?

OP posts:

gomez · 26/12/2009 21:14

or even he wasn't a Christian...

Nefertari · 26/12/2009 21:32

I'm with Spicemonster on this one. Despite a horrendously busy 2 days (but worth it , I still found time to have a long chat on the phone to my brother who lives overseas.

bloss · 27/12/2009 08:21

Message withdrawn

DuelingFanjo · 27/12/2009 10:49

His Christianity doesn't mean he should be expected to act like a saint every day. Not all christians are nice all the time. Nor are all atheists.

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 27/12/2009 11:11

I acted like a twunt but you should not hold Christians and atheists to different standards. It insults them both.

midori1999 · 27/12/2009 11:56

I don't reeally see the point in you asking if people would have different opinions if Christianity wasn't mentioned, as the title of the thread is asking if YABU to think your Uncle shouldn't consider himself a Christian.

This man has his mother round every other Christmas (alternately with your own father) and visits and calls his mother regularly, despite leading a cearly busy life and having his own wife and children to consider. Hardly a total bastard, is he?

Yes, I think YABU, one slip or mishap does not mean someone shouldn't consider themselves a Christian.

Original poster

spicemonster · 27/12/2009 11:58

I shouldn't have mentioned the Christian thing - although it has amused me greatly that some people thought that he might be doing some saintly deed like helping out at a homeless shelter

OP posts:

Georgimama · 27/12/2009 12:06

I didn't speak to my father this Christmas. I haven't spoken to him for 15 years. I'm a Christian. One day my father will be 99 (if he lives that long of course) and deaf and old, and people who know him will say "that poor man, not one of his children ever go near him, how can they etc etc". We have our reasons. Perhaps your uncle has his. Perhaps his is just an arse. That doesn't stop him being a Christian either way.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 27/12/2009 12:33

Spicemonster - I am not a Christian but I totally agree with everything Northern has said.

If your nan is capable of living on her own she is more than capable of picking up the phone and calling her son which is what she should have done when it became apparent that he wasn't calling her if she wanted to speak to him. It is totally pathetic to be 'distressed' at this situation. She can't possibly be particularly infirm if she lives alone and you can't have things both ways - Live on your own through choice but claim infirmity when it suits. Your Uncle sounds like he cares for her perfectly well going just by what you describe. He visits and calls normally but on this occasion his own life clearly got in the way. Life often gets in the way of good intentions.

The only absolutely disgusting, despicable behaviour I have seen on this thread is from you. Most especially when you said you and your sisters would not care for him in his old age and when you posted about abuse earlier. Which is worse - spitefully refusing to care for your elderly uncle or forgetting to call your elderly mum one time? You sound incredibly hard hearted and immature and the hate you obviously feel for your uncle seems totally unjustified and jealous.

He had his children and grandchildren over and time got away from him, wow, really, that is absolutely unforgivable.

Original poster

spicemonster · 27/12/2009 12:49

curiosity - I've asked this question about five times and none of you have answered me: wouldn't you be pissed off if someone said they'd visit and then called that day to tell you they were too busy but that they'd call the following day and then didn't?

That's acceptable behaviour to you? Gosh, I must have totally different standards.

And LOL at being selfish at refusing to look after him in his old age - as you point out, he has his own children and grandchildren, I doubt the niece who doesn't like him very much is going to be first port of call tbh.

OP posts:

madamearcati · 27/12/2009 12:53

But no Christian (or anyone else for that matter ) is perfect.That is kind of the whole point of christianity !

Morloth · 27/12/2009 12:58

This is a weird thread.

curiositykilledhaskittens · 27/12/2009 12:59

spicemonster - I would phone them when they didn't turn up on the first night, I definitely would not get distressed and not do anything at all about it. I would be mildly annoyed but understanding. This kind of thing happens all the time to me and people I know, with family and friends. Out of everybody I am the most annoyed about it but it is unreasonable to expect that everyone is always going to prioritise me and my family and understand the difficulty it may cause me if they don't always turn up or call when they said they would. Life is much better if you let these things go and give people a bit of leeway. It is not for you to get so wound up about it, it is between your uncle and his mother. I didn't say it was selfish to refuse to look after him and I'm sure you won't be the first port of call. I said it is despicable to spitefully say you won't look after him because you don't like him. What an awful thought to have about your own family.

pooka · 27/12/2009 13:00

I think it sounds like you don't like him and are using the "unchristian" thing as an excuse to gripe.

Ronaldinhio · 27/12/2009 13:03

don't see what this has to do with being a christian.....
maybe he just couldn't be arsed

thesecondcoming · 27/12/2009 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onagar · 27/12/2009 13:06

Just on that bit I do hate people saying they will visit/call and then letting you down.

As for the Christian bit. Well as an atheist I must side with the Christians here and say that despite phrases like 'good christian family' and so on, being Christian doesn't mean you are nice, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, unselfish, honest, generous or any of those things.

pooka · 27/12/2009 13:07

Agree completely with northern's posts.

midori1999 · 27/12/2009 13:09

Originally you didn't ask that though, you asked if your Uncle shouldnt' consider himself a Christian due to his 'behaviour'. The resounding answer seems to be he has every right to call himself a Christian, regardless. Christian does not mean 'perfect'.

And in answer to your second question, I wouldn't be pissed off without bothering to ring to find out if there was a perfectly plausable reason, although obviously it is only polite to ring someone if they are expecting you and you can't attend.

You can clearly only see one side of thias 'arguement' as your vitriol for your Uncle is apprently clouding your vision on this.

thesecondcoming · 27/12/2009 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

spicemonster · 27/12/2009 13:26

Ooh I think that's a bit of a leap 2ndcoming.

Finding God is often cited as evidence that a criminal has mended their ways after all so I didn't think it was beyond the realms to assume that committed Christians are nice people. I shan't make that mistake in future though, you can rest assured - this thread has taught me that much at least!

OP posts:

Morloth · 27/12/2009 13:31

Spanish Inquisition passed you by then? Crusades? etc.

Being a Christian doesn't mean being nice, though I think here in the UK it has morphed into that a bit.

The Vatican isn't known for it's relaxed, easy going and accepting nature.

midori1999 · 27/12/2009 13:31

Why on earth do you think not visiting and not phoning their Mother once when someone has said they will, but making regular visits and phone calls makes that someone not a nice person?

thesecondcoming · 27/12/2009 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2009 13:40

"curiosity - I've asked this question about five times and none of you have answered me: wouldn't you be pissed off if someone said they'd visit and then called that day to tell you they were too busy but that they'd call the following day and then didn't?"

In my post of 26-Dec-09 16:56:49, I believe the gist of what I was saying was that if the person was not in the habit of doing this I'd be more likely to be concerned about them and what was going on in their life to cause such uncharacteristic behaviour, rather than angry. And at no time in any of your posts have you said that he habitually lets people down.

And yes, as raised by other posters, why didn't you/your gran/your father ring your uncle to see if anything was amiss? Were none of you concerned about him, and thinking of all those normal reasons why people miss appointments?

And speaking of unanswered questions, perhaps you'd care to answer mine from that earlier post :

But perhaps you are more focused upon "He is the favoured son by a long way and is always happy to accept money from her etc."?

What did you mean by that? Because it bespeaks of deep and prolonged bitterness on your part, yet you have failed to back it up with any examples of behaviour on his part save this one incident. And I'd have thought some of the responses you've had would have prompted such examples by now.

If there is a history to your AIBU, then stop focussing on this incident and let it out because it's obviously festering. If there is no history, then you are the one with a problem not him.

I must admit I am inclined to think you have come on AIBU expecting lots of soothing noises and then got a little bit pissy because instead you got people looking at your incident calmly and rationally and daring to suggest your uncle is not the complete bastard that you demonstrably consider him to be.

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