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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude the very elderly from my wedding

172 replies

TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 21/12/2009 21:28

I am getting married for the first time the spring after next and am so excited! I have not been married before although my df has been married twice before, and so am possibly being a bit bridezilla about it, but we have chosen our venue and menus, band, outfits etc and it comes to so much money that we are going to have to restrict guests.

I know people are anti excluding children, and I can sort of see that, but what about the really old? Not horribly, but just because a lot of our relatives don't really know where they are IYKWIM and wouldn't really benefit from it. AIBU?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/12/2009 11:45

YANBU. You can invite who you want to IMO. If you don't want a whole load of older people who you barely know (extended family, aunts uncles etc) then don't invite them. we didn't.

PuppyMonkey · 22/12/2009 11:45

Your wedding, your choice as everyone likes to say on MN.

JollyPirate · 22/12/2009 11:47

I have just read all through the thread and laughed out loud. Fantastic thread.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 11:51

Why not pay for a granny creche with qualified carers? They could all play bingo and sing songs while the wedding goes ahead?

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 11:55

could you hire an old-fogey entertainer to come and keep them occupied in one corner of the marquee?

Darning and denture-care might be a good theme, and you could offer a complementary pair of industrial cork-lined orthopaedic stocking, au lieu de wedding favours!

MmeherewegoawassailLindt · 22/12/2009 11:57

The Granny Creche is great. Maybe your DF could get Cliff Richard to come and sing for them, or Daniel O'Donnel?

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 11:58

no, don't shell out for the real thing, n impersonator will do. Most of them will think he is their dad anyway

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 22/12/2009 11:59

no need to invite them, just make sure you send cake or photos of the wedding.
They just want something about which they can say "Oh that's nice, dear"

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 12:00

just go and see themn after the wedding and assure them that they were there, danced the night away and drank gallons of Babycham

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 22/12/2009 12:03

Good morning all, I have just managed to get DF up and dressed!!! He is such a lieabed sleepyhead, still marriage will sort that out, won't it?

A lot of you seem to feel that we should invite the eldery AND provide entertainment £shocked face£ I don't think you have grasped the point - it is all about saving money, surely that would be even more costly? DF and I did have another idea, we thought we could give all their homes a generous allowance to get them some of the really super duper drugs so they could enjoy themselves at the same time as us, just not with us IYSWIM????

Then, when we put them in the photos, they will really have been there, in a psychic kind of way. What do you think?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 12:04

well you wouldn't be paying for them to be at the wedding, just the creche.
Not sure about the drugs - you don;t know how they'll react with any other medication they might be on.
If you don't want to fork out for a granny creche then I'll have another think.

pagwatch · 22/12/2009 12:09

I think you should just exclude them and actually write to them to tell them they are excluded.
If possible just pick one fairly well behaved elderly aunt and make her the centre of attention, showing gifts and treats and stuff. And make sure she lets all the others know.
We all know how old doderers like to have a really good moan and complain.
You will give them enough to complain about for the next decade ( well as much of it as they see out).

It is actually a kindness when you think about it.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 12:29

very good point pagwatch

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 22/12/2009 12:32

Paggy, I feel you are making mock.

I do like Greenelves gift ideas!! There would indeed be no point in sending them cake, especially as we are having quite an unusual cake in line with DF's cultural practices, but special stockings are a good idea. Possibly wigs and make up too, then they would look better for the photos. Win win!!! ?pleased face?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 22/12/2009 12:36

No. Not mocking.
I have paid very close attention to all my aged relatives. And I am advancing in years and enjoy the frisson of occasionally being right annoyed.

When I start conversations by imparting the news of any recent deaths with a face the perfect mixture of sadness and glee, then I will be ready for my big slipper.

You have to reach people in their happy place. As it were

tanmu82 · 22/12/2009 12:43

Personally I really don't like weddings where children aren't invited......and now there are some that wouldn't want the elderly there either!!! For me, a wedding is a family occasion and those elderly relatives, who you say are in lala land, were once young people like us with dreams and hopes too. Who played a part in our lives. I would like to think that when I get old, my younger family will not see me as a waste of their precious cash and relegate me to the loony bin. What a selfish way to start married life!

notwavingjustironing · 22/12/2009 12:44

Maybe you could start ringing round for some Vera Lynn tribute bands or something? Keep them entertained whilst the boring speeches and the soup is served

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 22/12/2009 12:46

Oh no, Tanmy, please don't think that!!!! It's not that they would be excluded, just not invited. Come on, be honest, they won't know if they are there or not and they will still be in the photos and have great drugs on the day!!!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 12:50

some of your other guests may prefer to be excluded and have great drugs on the day - will this offer be open to all or just the less photogenic?

pagwatch · 22/12/2009 12:54

I would prefer to be at the smiley stoned party.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2009 12:55

yeah i was thinking of you as i was typing that pag

sarah293 · 22/12/2009 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
TisTheSeasonToBeHully · 22/12/2009 13:07

These are MEDICAL drugs we are talking about. I don't think anyone really cares about my nuptials at all @crying face@

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 22/12/2009 13:09

Hully, sweetie, it is YOUR special day. Your wedding, your rules hun. If you don't want the elderly and infirm at your wedding, then that is entirely your right. Anyone who complains is unreasonable AND trying to steal your thunder. Don't let that happen, girlfriend!

pagwatch · 22/12/2009 13:11

{{hugs}} Poor you.
You will work this out. And don't forget it is only one day - you have your lives together to look forward too. You have years ahead to snub those you love

FWIW Medical drugs work too. You just need to experiment a bit. I find if I take some, forget what I have taken and take some more I can lose the best part of an afternoon.