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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to 14 year old dd who wants to go to U-18 disco in a rougharse nightclub in Gloucester city centre?

54 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 12:37

All her friends are going apparently.

It is a horrible nightcub which I have walked into, took one look and walked right out again (for anyone who knows Gloucester, it is Liquid on Eastgate Street).

I really think she is too young to go to under 18 discos. She was only 14 on Monday. I remember getting trollied on Thunderbirds at mine. I just don't like the thought of it.

Am I being a miserable old fart? I would like to put my foot down but she has only just moved schools (moved her 6 weeks ago due to terrible bullying at her previous one) and she has been welcomed into a lovely group of girls at the new school, so obviously don't want her to feel alienated, but honestly really don't want her to go to a crappy nightclub.

AIBU?

OP posts:

RainRainGoAway · 18/12/2009 12:40

Urgh. Bad nightclub.

But...if they are all going? Difficult one as you dont want her alienated. Is she pretty sensible?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 18/12/2009 12:40

urgh

Liquid is VILE

quite right to say no

can you take her and a handful of mates to that chinese place next to the cinema instead and to the pictures after?

(I've forgotten the name of the chinese, sorry)

or for a bit more sophistication, is Yeungs still there by the cattle market?

LtEveDallas · 18/12/2009 12:59

Liquid is crappy, horribly crappy..... BUT... would you be happy if she was going somewhere else?

If yes (because she is sensible etc etc) then why not trust her (I know you will spend all night worrying, and hanging on the phone in case she needs you, but likelihood is she will be fine, and it will give her a chance to get to know her new friends even better)

If no, then suggest an alternative, but give her an 'out' to use on her friends (you are ill, need her at home but will be happy to do X at a later date)

TheGoatofChristmasPast · 18/12/2009 13:01

let her go. crappy discos are a rite of passage. drop her off and pick her up.

isoldeone · 18/12/2009 13:04

if you can pick her up/drop her off at the door and maybe park up up somewhere and read a book for a coupla of hours (mind you it's gonna be chilly) and give her express instructions she must not leave the premises and not get herself seperated from mates the has phone etc she'll be fine.

I would imagine it will be heaving with 14year old girlies dancing in groups and boys in short supply. Older lads 16 + will be more interested in getting into over 18 clubs i would have thought . No doubt someone will manage to sneak some contraband into the toilets past the bouncers but they are specifically told look for it and most kids are rubbish at hiding it. You can't smoke either in nightclubs anymore ofcourse

I dimly remember going to one of these to be part of the "gang" and wanting desperately to go and loving the getting ready bit but being bored in the end and slightly shocked at the rougharse girls from the other side of town smoking and downing 2020 in the toilets . My mum was fairly overprotective but I don't remember any convo about not going. TBH think I would morep probably worry more when she's 17 and wants to go to over 18 clubs , . Tis a learning experience to find out all nightclubs are not the shiny nirvana of social gaiety but actually bit depressing and have some dodgy folk in them....

anyway it's up to you . Youre' mum - trust your instinct as I don't know the place.

Miggsie · 18/12/2009 13:07

I'd be torn between letting her go, sitting outside in the car, and hoping she hates it and never wants to go again, and saying no way.

Trouble is, if you say "no" it will instantly become more desireable.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2009 13:08

I would say no

Maybe when she is 16, but not 14 (only just)

Original poster

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 13:09

She asked if she could go to Moda (or whatever it's called now) in Cheltenham last year and I said no to that as well. Mind you Moda is crap as well.

TBH the U18 discos I went to when I was young may have put me off. They were held in the back room of a pub called the mMermaid in Ilfracombe, they were a combo of disco for under 18s and special needs adults from a local residential home. Who the bloody hell thoguht that was a good idea?

BoysareLikeDogs - thanks for that suggestion, but dd and a bunch of mates went to Angel Chef followed by cinema a couple of weeks ago (that is a great idea for teens btw, £4 all day chinese buffet, cheaper than Macdonals) so is not going to hold up against the disco I'm afraid.

I am torn really. I absolutely hate the thought of crappy discos, but as Goat says they are part of growing up. Wish she asked next year.

OP posts:

coldtits · 18/12/2009 13:10

I'd let her. They are generally extremely well supervised. Collect her though.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 18/12/2009 13:12

Angel chef of course

okay have re read your OP

let her go, bonding with her new friends will be great for her

Pity the Comfy Pew is not open evenings for you to sit with a book for the duration

AMerryScot · 18/12/2009 13:12

I would say no.

14 is too young to go to such a place.

Maybe I would let a 16yo go, but I would take and pick up (and generally embarrass).

Never listen to an 'all' or 'everyone' from a teenager. If you do, make sure you phone the other parents to get the truth.

coldtits · 18/12/2009 13:13

I wans't allowed to go to these things, and as a result, they did indeed become the desirable Nirvana. I used to arrange sleepovers at my friend's house as her mother used to drop her off and pick her up. I was safe - always supervised - the only difference was my parents had no idea. By putting me in a position where they were treating me as muvch younger than my friends, I felt at the time that they forced me to lie.

slushy06 · 18/12/2009 13:17

I would let her go before I became pg I worked in a nightclub as supervisor and we did u18s I can honestly say the staff are very strict. All alcohol was covered all cigarette machines covered, Doormen do regular patrols of the toilets and all through the club to check nothing is happening that should not be and if someone feels ill or is caught misbehaving or even if they are suspected of having been drinking the staff will notify the parents and keep they in the staff room until the parent comes to collect.

Not that we say much misbehavior to be honest I had the odd cheeky lad try to chat me up usually after just asking for a 20pence mix up. But other than that there was rarely any problems. The guidelines we had were very strict e.g All staff must stay in pairs of two and if any problems are discovered a senior member of staff is to be notified immediately and there are twice as many female door women on under 18s for any problems to be dealt with quickly and efficiently. It really was just like a school disco only cooler. Plus it could really damage her friendship groups to say no as you have just moved.

bubblerock · 18/12/2009 13:17

It's a tricky one, I don't know what these events are like (nowadays lol). Although me and my mates used to get into KC's and Crackers at 15!!

LouLouH · 18/12/2009 13:17

You should count yourself lucky that your daughter has enough respect for you and it acting in an adult manner by telling you the truth about where she wants to go.
She could have lied and said she was going somewhere else but chose not to.

I think its best if you drop her off (not directly outside, it'll embarass her) and pick her up at a specific time (that you have chosen) that way you are showing her that you feel she is responsible enough to go, but you are setting boundaries with it. If she is not there on time when you go to pick her up then she's shot herself in the foot as the only reason she wont go next time is due to her own lack of responsibility (also set a limit on drink) its inevitable she will drink and you can't deny her that at her age as long as she learns to do it responsibly (she'll only go mad when she can do it legally otherwise). If drinking is not frowned upon to such a degree she will not do it to rebel.
Also warn her that if she goes anywhere away from the club that there will be consequences.

You could always give her the option my dad gave me. "i'd prefer you don't go but its upto you." Got me everytime as i knew the option was there but i ultimately was making the 'correct' decision (of not going).

Original poster

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 13:17

Christ I have just looked at the website - there is something called UK Club Culture (!!!!) for the (and I quote) 'the under 18s clubbing experience'.

I mean I don't want her to sit in knitting/reading Jane Austen but clubbing experiences at just 14?

Is open to 13-17 year olds from 7 to 11. 11!

Luckily I only live about a mile from the city centre anyway, so am just round the corner (ish) if she needs picking up.

Isoldeone - very wise words there. Perhaps I am being a bit of a prat, but she really did suffer a couple of weeks ago with a bunch of girls at her old school giving her hell. Last thing I want is a bunch of girls at a disco giving her shit. But am probably being overprotective.

Bloody hell this parenting lark was easier when it was all about saying no to a packet of Buttons in Sainsburys

OP posts:

isoldeone · 18/12/2009 13:18

the trouble is AF - IME -the "in-crowd " 16 year old girls would not be seen dead at an under 18 disco. maybe better to get the rite of passage out the way?? Having worked in education and the nightclub industry at the same time I've seen 13 year olds - once dressed up and wearing makeup pass for 18 and get past less scrupulous leering bouncers. This was Hull 10 years ago mind you and was sometimes heartbreaking to see the state some of these girls were in. Totally different situation from u18's disco.

Like I say -it's mums call and I don't know the place. The nightclub is rougharse but what is the reputation of the people that run it?? good security weeding out potential troublemakers even if they are kids I would be more comfortable with ( and emabarassingly sat round the corner parked in the car)

Original poster

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 13:21

Sorry cross posts with everyone.

I am coming across as an hysteric, aren't I?

Slushy that is very reassuring, thank you .

Bubblerock what the bloody hell - I thought Crackers was a strip joint!

Thanks everyone - some very sensible thoughts here.

Still don't know what to do, thoguh.

OP posts:

LouLouH · 18/12/2009 13:23

Let the girl go, she'll only lie next time.

Original poster

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2009 13:23

Do you reckon they would let me in with my book?

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 18/12/2009 13:23

god, KCs that takes me back

me and mates used to play Pull the Ugly Bloke

coldtits · 18/12/2009 13:23

FWIW 16 and 17 year olds won't go to under 18's discos if you PAID them. they might like looking at 14 year olds, but they wouldn't publicly try to get off with them - that way lies ridicule.

LouLouH · 18/12/2009 13:24

If you don't let her go, just make sure she doesn't 'stay the night' at her friends house. (especially if its one thats allowed to go) as they'll be going there!

slushy06 · 18/12/2009 13:25

By clubbing experience they mean a disco but it is just better put down as that it appeals more.

Show her respect and she will act respectfully IME.

SparklyGothKat · 18/12/2009 13:25

Do you trust your daughter, that is the question. Is she normally well behaved, let you know whats happening etc.
If she is a child that is normally lead astray easily then I would say no

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