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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge for Christmas lunch?

313 replies

katie3677 · 14/12/2009 12:36

My parents are away this Christmas and as we are housesitting for them we will for once have space to have all of DH's family over for Christmas lunch (10 adults, 7 kids), so have all been invited. Last year DSIL did Christmas lunch at her house and I helped. We were all tasked with bringing something, and whilst she did the main course, I did starter and Christmas pudding and brought champagne (well, prosecco actually) for Champagne cocktails. DBIL's girlfriend was tasked with bringing wine, but rang me at midday on Christmas day to say could I bring wine as she had drunk it all the night before. She promised to pay me for it but never did.
As a result, I have decided this year that instead of divvying up jobs etc, (which didn't work out fairly at all last year) that I will charge each adult £25 towards the cost, no charge for the kids, and I will do all the shopping, cooking and preparing, so all they have to do on the day is turn up, eat and drink. I thought this was quite a kindness, but DBIL's girlfriend has taken issue with this and I am struggling to get themoney off most of them up front.
We are by no means rich and it would cost me a fortune to do Christmas lunch for this amount of people, so I thought this was the fairest way. AIBU to think that this is fair?

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 14/12/2009 16:30

I do get where you are coming from, but i think i would be seriously put out if i were asked to pay for a family get together - You say you are trained - are you maybe being a little controlling wanting to do all the cooking yourself? (i certainly was!)

I just think if money is an issue, you simply don't have the party. I forked out £500 for my parents anniversary party one year (their anniversary was xmas eve!) i wouldn't have dreamed of asking people for money, but i did rope in rellies to help with the catering.

MrsMattie · 14/12/2009 16:31

You do realise you will be known to your family as 'crazylady' forevermore...right?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2009 16:32

Your invitation is very reasonable.
You invited them in October under those terms, and they have left it very late to object.

If I were you I would send out another equally reasonable email and say something like.

"Dear Family,
It has come to my attention that some of you are after all not happy to pay towards the Christmas dinner we are hosting, but would rather want to contribute in other ways. I would like to know how many of you feel this way? In the two months since the invitation was sent I have so far spent XX on food (on order) as I did not know there were concerns. Before I cancel the order, could I ask if those of you that are happy to pay, could share the cost with me and dh, while the remainder bring pudding and booze?"

or something to that effect.

Blardy annoying.

MerryXmasMrsHenry · 14/12/2009 16:35

Ruby'sreturn: "LMAO if you think you can eat in a restaurant on xmas day for that!" What on earth do you mean? Surely MaccyD's is open on Xmas Day? They class themselves as a 'restaurant', don't they?

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 16:36

Totally - of course people can help out but I thought the point was from the OP that her family are a tad unreliable!

Liberty - I agree with it having to be handled delicately and I think this is where the problem lies, in that she didn't manage it well by accident.

100 pounds btw? Cor, bet that will be a good meal!

This thread struck a chord as I have done a similar thing in the past - had all my family over at mine for Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day but being strapped for cash at the time, my DH and I pointed out straight away that we weren't really in a position to be able to afford all the food, booze and extras needed to accommodate the whole family for three days. I had lost my job at the time. They were more than understanding and gave contributions which came to about £15 a head for three days worth of food/drink etc. There was no offense taken, we are all adults and understand that these things cost money. I would have been happy if the contributions had been food or drink instead.

This year, however, I have INVITED the family for spend Christmas day with us - different story. As I have invited them and they spending a lot of time and expense travelling from all over the place to get to us us, I have no intention of asking them for anything.

flyingcloud · 14/12/2009 16:39

I remember when I first met (French) DH and we went to friends for a NYE dinner. We were about 20 at the dinner. At the end DH gave his friends ?50 for it and I was so shocked, using, as other people have here, the reason that if people can't afford to entertain then they shouldn't invite. I would happily have offered a present or offered wine etc, but:

DH pointed out that yes, there were probably cultural reasons for finding it distasteful but it was far more practical than asking people to contribute in other ways.

  • You don't have to go out - going to restaurants for Christmas/New Years is often extortionately expensive and soul-destroyingly impersonal, so you get to have it in someone's home - seriously you must have horrible family if you would rather pay to spend Christmas in a restaurant than in a private home.
  • After about the age of 24 people really don't want to be mixing drinks - so at least one person can be responsible for ensuring that you drink the same type of bubbly, whether it be cava, champagne, cremant or prosecco and the same type of red and white.
  • One person can control it - handing over money means a whole lot less work for everyone else. Personally I never ask people to bring a part of a meal (I have never asked for financial contribution either) as I feel that hosting is as much about taking the work off other people as anything else.

So I can see why everyone thinks you BU, as I was there once with the same sense of outrage, but practically it makes far more sense to ask for a financial contribution up-front.

I think here in France it is quite common up to a certain age.

And you can eat and drink very well at home for £25 a head but you'd seriously struggle with that elsewhere, especially at Christmas.

Although I too am curious what your parents think about this!

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 16:47

Now that Katie has pointed out that she was upfront with this offer back in October then I don't think she is being unreasonable. She gave people the option, they shouldn't have accepted but are now kicking up a fuss! They had the choice to turn this arrangement down and make other arrangements for Christmas.

catkinq · 14/12/2009 16:48

why not just do it on the cheap - you do not have to spend that much. The kids woul dprobably be happer with a plate of oven chips anyway . It is not their choice to spend this much but yours. I think that it is unreasonable to decide to go to town on expensive food and drink and then expect your guests to pay for it. Maybe they'd have done it cheaper had they choosen the food.
Catkinq

SeaGreen · 14/12/2009 16:48

I think it's fair asking people to pitch in. Without commenting on the amount, if people are coming from out of town it's more difficult for them to get anything cooked. and there's no point getting say the turkey on christmas morning. i wouldn't consider this a fee, more like chipping in. and in these times, there's no shame in that.
just my two bits worth
mistletoekisses - your suggestion makes a lot of sense though.

Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 16:48

Exactly, do I win???

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway · 14/12/2009 16:51

Now you said this crazy proposal was up front then:
YANBU as you gave them warning of this crazy tight plan.
YABU for still proposing it!

Still think voluntary contributions are the way forward.

Out of towners can always bring cheese and biscuits, mince pies and booze in a cool box. There is no farking excuse for being tight on their part.

Thingiebob · 14/12/2009 16:59

See, I don't think this is a crazy tight plan at all!

She has offered as a trained chef to shop, cook and serve a great meal and all the drinks in the comfort of a home with all the family present at the cost of 25 quid each. This is the proposal which was clearly outlined two months ago. If family didn't like it then they have other options which is they can stay at home and do it themselves, or pay far more to eat out at a restaurant which will probably won't be as good quality that great on Christmas day.

They were given the terms - it's unreasonable to accept then refuse to hand over the money because they have decided that the poster should offer this all for free because she is 'family'.

Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 17:01

Thank you Thingiebob

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 14/12/2009 17:05

You can go to a restaurant in our town for a 3 course Christmas dinner and a bottle of wine per couple. Are they all staying over too?

I think this is rather weird. You are very controlling I'm surprised anyone wants to come?

imoscarsmum · 14/12/2009 17:13

Sorry, I really sympathise with how much it will cost you but YABVU. It is Christmas and you invited them. If you couldn't afford it, you shouldn't have invited them.

Perhaps you could ask people to bring stuff like last year and make back up plans for those you know might let you down (like DBIL's gf). You'll know the relatives you can reply on.

Do it with good grace or not at all.

TeaOneSugar · 14/12/2009 17:15

Sorry if I'm repeating, I haven't read the whole thread.

We're going to the in-laws on Christmas day, all day, and dd and myself will be there on boxing day, DH will join us after work on boxing day evening.

I've given MIL £50 towards the food shopping, and I'm providing christmas pud, the starter, nibbles and a few other bits and bobs.

No one asked, it's just appropriate to chip in, being asked is a different matter entirely, for family members at least.

I agree that if you can't afford it you shouldn't offer, you should however expect people to at least bring wine/chocs etc.

secretgardin · 14/12/2009 17:16

Exactly, do I win??? - didn't know it was a competition. you sound very controlling

Casserole · 14/12/2009 17:19

It sounds HORRIBLE and I wouldn't come! Perhaps they are all talking about how to get out of it?

Why are you housesitting in this mansion and how long for? That must be saving you some money, surely... couldn't you put that towards the shortfall?

Oh, the more I think about it, it's just the worst Christmas idea ever...

TheShowMustGoOn · 14/12/2009 17:20

Will you sit at the table and count out the contributions. Then make pointed looks whilst saying 'Oh I'm a litle short'

Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 17:22

that was a joke, as expressed by the

OP posts:
Original poster
katie3677 · 14/12/2009 17:26

Casserole, I never mentioned a mansion, the house is bigger than ours, that's all. And actually we will not be saving money as I won't be able to work for the three weeks we are there, but they're my parents, so I am doing it to make their lives easier.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 14/12/2009 17:28

Oh good gracious. I would never accept an invitation like this, were it arranged in June, October, or December. I would just think, no thanks, I'll spend £50 on my own Christmas lunch at home thank you very much.
Its an awful, terrible idea.

Casserole · 14/12/2009 17:28

Ah, ok then.

I still think it's all a bit distasteful, and I think perhaps they're trying to find a way of getting out of it. I'd send the very sensible email someone posted a few pages back and try and rearrange stuff now before it gets to the day. Otherwise I just can't imagine sitting there all day with the bad feeling this is generating. But that's just me.

jasper · 14/12/2009 17:29

Katie have you counted the for and against responses?

I can't remember such a landslide of YABU opinion on mumsnet ever.

ClaireDeLoon · 14/12/2009 17:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable having read the wording on your original invite.

This year I'm taking the starter (smoked salmon) a bottle of champagne, two bottles of chablis to go with the salmon and a decent bottle of red to my mothers on Christmas Day. That's got to tot up to about £50 if not more. I'll have to faff on with cool bags and ice blocks etc to keep the drinks cool. I'd happily pay £50 instead to help her with the cost of everything, but she'd say no. So instead we all take stuff.