to be upset by this?

[mrsbean78]

I suspect that this may be my last thread on mumsnet, as I think I am going up against a regular.

I posted this thread today:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/877382-Slow-to-gain-wt-baby-panicky-mi dwife?msgid=17836631

I cannot believe that someone would interpret my panic as a reason to suggest, in order, that my 12 day old first born might have a metabolic disorder or have something so serious wrong with them that it might affect their survival.

When I said I wanted to know what the concerns would be, I meant from MY health professionals. I appreciate this might not have been clear.

I appreciate my second post might have been misread but I am very upset and worried about my baby and I really think that the use of sceptical faces was really unwarranted.

As it is, my baby did not gain weight today.. although the midwife was not concerned and will just review it.

Now I have to worry at the back of my mind that my baby might have something that makes him 'just survive' instead of grow..

And people saying I just wanted a pat on the head.. that is so lacking in compassion! I am in floods of tears as I write this..sbsolute floods of tears.. but I guess the important thing here is that I was 'rude' or not considered in my response to someone else (which I actually tried to be, though I was angry..).

I am so, so, so upset and worried. I wish to God I had never posted..

And agree with that. Pixiestix, that is a bit mean and not very constructive. Anyone can see this is not a normal AIBU where it is fine to all pile in.
There is a mum who is incredibly concerned about her baby at the other end of the keyboard.

The OP doesn't sound at all well.

If you are still reading you need to speak to the hv or GP about how you are feeling.

Thanks for the posts on here.

I am a real person, with feelings and reactions. I don't like upsetting people, on line or in real life. I understand that mothers with real anxieties about their new babies can 'hear' things that are not intended, and can even say things that are unclear so they are misinterpreted. I suppose that is a risk anyone takes when they post on here.

Most people can see that there is nothing wrong with me answering a straight question ('what are the concerns HCPs have when a newborn continues to lose weight? - I am sick of people pussyfooting around and I am irritated when they do') with a straight answer ('here are the concerns that HCPs have when a newborn continues to lose weight'). They can also see that my mild was because I had used the word 'concerns' too in my post, which mrsbean had expressly said had irritated her!

Being worried and postnatal does not justify rudeness - I was accused of being 'cruel', 'egocentric', 'insensitive' and of saying her baby might die.....all of that is untrue. I am very hurt - yes, hurt - to read that I am supposed to have said that.

The baby has not continued to lose weight. The midwife has seen the baby and is 'not concerned', so none of this applies anyway. But this has not stopped mrsbean from topping up her outrage against me.

It is beyond unreasonable to post a thread about a thread - why should I have to chase round the boards to defend myself?

I agree TikTok, I'm so sorry this has upset you. It was totally unwarranted.

Having said that, mrsbean - I hope you have help and support at home, and have someone with you who can maybe give you the TLC that anyone 12 days postnatal needs and deserves.

The internet does not seem to be a good place for you, right now

OP, if you're still reading I don't think you're "up against" anyone (and yes, I've read the original thread). I guess this is your first? It's scary, and possibly scarier for you than for most because you say you see a lot of children with serious illnesses.

But your original thread says you have a baby with good tone and reflexes, is alert and engaged and feeding strongly. With the usual caveats about diagnosing problems over t'internet, that sounds like a normal, healthy baby.

I think that sometimes MW/HV can go a bit overboard, because it's easier to deal with most conditions if they're caught early, so they want to be careful that conditions are caught early. I was told with my second baby that there were concerns that he was below the average line and "we don't like to see anyone below the average". At the time I worked with a lot of geeky statisticians, and I laughed so hard at that one that tea came out of my nose. But I wouldn't have been laughing if he was my first baby.

The vast majority of babies are healthy, happy babies. Trust your own judgement, and enjoy your baby (who sounds lovely btw).

Ok Tiktok I am sorry,.
I have said I am sorry I overreacted on the other thread.

When I started this thread, I was literally sitting here in absolute floods and floods and floods of tears.. I thought I was going mad that you were getting so much support and I was being told how rude I was again and again when, to my irrational mind, you posted a b*tchy response to a comment I meant in relation to my own health professionals but made very poorly. I wanted support - desperately.

I am sorry that you are so hurt and upset by this.

I am a real person too.. I didn't realise that posting another thread was such a big sin. I don't post on here often, I don't know the etiquette. I just really wanted someone to say that they could see why I was upset. That's what the title says..

I've been called unhinged, unwell and a mental case in the course of the discussion so you know, I thought that was all par for the course round here...

There have been lots of lovely replies on here. I have calmed down a bit - I am going to go and see if I can get to a lactation consultant tomorrow to rule out that and I have a GP friend coming to give him the once over later. I am desperate for someone to listen to his heart. I am also going to pray, pray, pray that there isn't something wrong with my child and that, on Tuesday, he will have gained. I just looked at pictures of him the day he was born and he is looking so thin now and it is terrifying.. GerbilMeasles, I've been trying to tell myself these things too about tone and reflexes but it's so easy to secondguess..

I should also say, I have been feeding every 1.5 hours for 40-50 mins and expressing for 20 inbetween and then feeding him the expressed stuff since Friday and I am probably out of it.

I am going to go and actually do what I should do now.. I came here because I really thought it would calm me and because I am struggling with expressing, I thought some reassurance here would help with that.. I kind of screwed that one up.. and feel v guilty because my son needs me.. I stupidly thought that I'd get told he was fine but that's denial for you. I guess I don't know yet.. and maybe he's not.. I am so scared! I just desperately, desperately wanted him to gain today..

Anyways..

Take care of you and your baby. You sound like your baby is feeding loads which is fantastic news.

OK, mrsbean. I accept your apology.

I hope you get good help and support, as I say.

Tiktok didn't think about the effect it could have and in that way was insensitive but you were a bit weird on that thread. Hope your baby is okay now.

Oh well.

If there's one thing mums want to do, it's feed their children and see them growing, my DDs 9 and it's still the case, so with such a small baby it must be terrifying.

So it breaks my heart to hear that you think he's looking so thin, it's not a word you want to associate with your baby. I don't think anybody is up against you worrying about your LO, and most understand how this makes you feel and behave

mrsbean, Tiktok has a wealth of info that I do not, I am worried about you too, but please ask on here about the expressing inbetween, I don't necessarily think you are helping yourself by doing this. I also think you are stressing and wearing yourself out.

peacocks - I can assure you I did think about the effect of my post....why would I not? She specifically asked for plain, straightforward information which I gave, in a plain, straightforward way. I deliberately thought about the effect, making sure I phrased the words in a way I had been asked to. I did not exaggerate, or panic, or flap about.

My baby was like this. She was 6lbs10 at birth and dropped to 5lbs4. She looked so thin compared to pictures of her as a newborn. The GP grasped her thigh and said "this child is too thin" I was mortified!
i fed every 2hrs day and night and each feed was taking an hour. I was EXHAUSTED
So, MrsBean I have been there.

I feel for you very deeply.

I might add that my DD is now a strapping 2 year old, tall for her age and very healthy.

You will get there
x

I´m no expert,but the expressing seems odd to me.
Why were you told to do that?
If you´re struggling, I´d concentrate on just b/feeding, and trying to relax in between.

Oh beg your pardon. I'm not sure I would want you as my breastfeeding counsellor though.

MrsBean, don't stop using MN because of this. When I first joined MN, a long time ago, under a different name, I posted something about breast feeding and was very upset by TikTok's reply at the time. Now I just avoid that section altogether. It appears that Tiktok has helped a lot of people and given advice, which is great, but I would rather avoid getting advice regarding feeding from MN and rely on real people, like my midwife and HV instead.

MrsBean, what you will learn about babies is that your instinct is usually correct.

Your baby sounds fine. The only thing going on is the weight and tbh that will probably resolve within a week or two, and yes it's likely something would have been spotted in order for it to be being caused by something weird or unusual or serious.

I weighed ds2 roughly once a week on the post office scales. Much more fun and less worrying than the baby clinic.

You kind of start to chill a bit eventually.
Don't worry. Leave that for a week's time IF your child hasn't started to even out.

mrsbean the internet lacks the same capability for senstivity as real life. I think right now you're a bit too fragile, need to have hot cup of tea, and a .

the weeks after giving birth can be a hormonal hell - with every fibre of your mind telling you everything is bad. If the web makes that worse - don't come here.

sleep, food, a walk outside....look after yourself!

Tiktok, as I said, I am very sorry for anything offensive I said to you but I still think it could have been phrased more sensitively: straightforwardly, yes, but sensitively still. I have explained why I think that, very logically, and how I think that might look on both threads. I was not complaining about information that you gave but the way in which it was given. We will have to disagree on that and I am heartily, heartily sorry for calling you anything else negative... but as I have apologised, I don't think that there's any need to post why you were right on both threads in quick succession, especially as you have had a LOT of support and I have had a lot of slaps on the wrist.. it might be good to just leave it now? The vast majority of people here are very supportive of you and your posts so I don't think you need to defend them further?
As I've said, I've been extremely upset by this conversation too (even if it was my own fault) so it would be good to let it be..

Backup..
This is what I've been told to do by two midwives..though the GP said not to, because she was worried that it would wear me out.. Also there was no information about how much to do, or how much I need to give. So I am syringe feeding him in between.. So I am literally feeding or pumping nonstop (have been pumping while on here - he is sleeping). He seems to like it.. that makes it all the more worrying for me that he didn't gain today because I know he got a good bit of milk yesterday..

I think I am so upset and on here, really, because I was so in love with him a few days ago and now I just can't even look at him I feel such tremendous guilt that I am not giving him what he needs, and such huge fear that he is unwell..

I feel if I stop expressing that I will be letting him down.. but I feel I am not feeding him properly because I am continually thinking 'I need to pump after this'. My nipples are in bits. I feel like I haven't stopped crying in hours. I just want to turn back a few days when it all seemed so positive..

I know all this stress is affecting my milk supply but I have no one else to talk to about it.. my dh is driving me mad with 'suggestions' and telling me what to do with the pump and lunging at me and repositioning it. I just want to sleep...

YABVU. Tiktok was offering experienced support. You are not just "going up against a regular". You are having a go for absolutely no reason, other than your entirely understandable post-natal hormones, at someone who is well-respected on MN for her sensible advice and words of wisdom. I couldn't find anything remotely annoying about what she said to you. It's totally reasonable for her to have said that a baby who continues to lose weight might be a subject of concern for health visitors. This is true. Worrying for you, yes. But true nonetheless.

You jumped down her throat so quickly that I think you were probably just wanting to let off steam (understandably) and she was the first anonymous soul who crossed your path that day. You should really apologise and move on; she must be really upset that you have started a thread about this.

As someone else said, you didn't really seem to want advice with your original post, so I'm not sure why you bothered.

Look, new motherhood is tough (even hellish for some) and you will feel questioned and judged from all corners at times. Plus, having anything even slightly, potentially wrong with your baby can feel totally unbearable. We all get that. But you'd be far better off using these forums for gossip, advice, humour and helping others - not just as a place to let off steam.

Good luck.

Mrsbean you sound exhausted. The first few weeks feeding a newborn are relentless let alone having to express as well. From what you said in your OP it sounds like you have a healthy baby. As others have said turn your PC off, get DP to look after DS when he's alseep and have a rest. You need to look after yourself as much as your baby. All this stress and exhaustion probably won't help your supply problems.

I think its really good that you came back on to apologise to Tiktok, and I hope your baby starts to gain.
You sound very sad, and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. I was raging that someone trying to help was insulted like that and threw a bit of it back at you - but I shouldn't have done, so apologies