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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset by this?

199 replies

mrsbean78 · 13/12/2009 13:49

I suspect that this may be my last thread on mumsnet, as I think I am going up against a regular.

I posted this thread today:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/877382-Slow-to-gain-wt-baby-panicky-mi dwife?msgid=17836631

I cannot believe that someone would interpret my panic as a reason to suggest, in order, that my 12 day old first born might have a metabolic disorder or have something so serious wrong with them that it might affect their survival.

When I said I wanted to know what the concerns would be, I meant from MY health professionals. I appreciate this might not have been clear.

I appreciate my second post might have been misread but I am very upset and worried about my baby and I really think that the use of sceptical faces was really unwarranted.

As it is, my baby did not gain weight today.. although the midwife was not concerned and will just review it.

Now I have to worry at the back of my mind that my baby might have something that makes him 'just survive' instead of grow..

And people saying I just wanted a pat on the head.. that is so lacking in compassion! I am in floods of tears as I write this..sbsolute floods of tears.. but I guess the important thing here is that I was 'rude' or not considered in my response to someone else (which I actually tried to be, though I was angry..).

I am so, so, so upset and worried. I wish to God I had never posted..

OP posts:
GetDownYouWillFall · 13/12/2009 14:12

immortal - I have read the original thread now. MrsBean has gone OTT in her interpretation of some things, and I see that MumsNet has removed one of her posts, so it must have been rude.
BUT I also see someone who is out of their mind with worry, hormones all over the place, feeling like a failure, a first time mum.

I have been there and I know what it feels like. And yes I was irrational too.

Give the lady a break

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/12/2009 14:13

I think you need to be kind to yourself. You have just had a baby and you have been very worried indeed about the baby - you must be so stressed. Understandably, perhaps you have flown off the handle. I read the thread and I do think tiktok's response was a leeetle over sensitive and the use of the face is often problematic and in that kind of context it always does come accross, IMO as bitchy.

I wish they had not put it there to be used really. Better for us to use words in that situation I think, that to rely on the

Log off from mumsnet, take some time to be completely off the net, relax, enjoy your baby.

And come back when you're feeling strong, and you want to.

hohoholepew · 13/12/2009 14:14

I don't have any feeding topics on active convos so I'm not in any 'clique', and I've just read the post. Tik Tok gave a good, measured answer and you were incredibly rude.

I'd stay away from the internet if I were you.

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 13/12/2009 14:14

almostreal, but that could also be said about the OP, why would anyone ask advice about their babys health on an internet forum?

SecretSlattern · 13/12/2009 14:15

Almostreal - she asked though so in this instance, TikTok did have business to do so, just the same way that you have the business to comment on a thread about a thread

RustyBear · 13/12/2009 14:16

almostreal - tiktok did not imply that the baby was only just surviving, she was asked what concerns the health professionals might be referring to, and that was one of the possibilities tiktok listed.

GhoulsAreLoud · 13/12/2009 14:16

OP, I really hope your DS starts putting on weight soon.

If you can take any reassurance from this then please do - my DD was admitted to hospital at 6 days old having lost nearly 2 pounds in weight and I was worried sick about her.

She's now a strapping 16mo on the 90th centile for height and weight.

I hope things improve for you very soon.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 13/12/2009 14:16

Though actually I should have said, It is clear that tiktok's first response was purely to help you - so again, seeing both sides I can see why she would have taken a bit of umbrage to your response which she clearly read as you including her in the 'irritating' category, when all she'd done is try to help.

It's just one of those 'messes' that comes up on boards sometimes.

You just need to prioritise you at the mo, and be kind to yourself and look after yourself

Meglet · 13/12/2009 14:20

Sorry you have so many worries about your newborn . Posts can get taken out of perspective, it's not the end of the world. You've just had a baby and I found that time terrifying and out of my depth. Tiktok is very helpful, as are many people on here. Stop panicking and have a rest & cup of tea .

edam · 13/12/2009 14:23

I appreciate that you are very worried and stressed and feeling vulnerable. But I think if you come back to the original thread in a few months time when your head is straighter, you will see that Tiktok was trying to help you by answering your questions. So yes, YABU but then lots of people are when they have tiny babies.

Tiktok has a lot of respect on MN because she has given an awful lot of her time to supporting vulnerable people in crisis and helped hundreds of MNers to continue b/f.

Morloth · 13/12/2009 14:25

Also try to remember that the vaaaaast majority of posters have been 12 days out from having a baby. We know what that feels like, we might not all have experience with problems at that stage but we have been there as far as the new baby/hormonal thing goes.

tethersjinglebellend · 13/12/2009 14:26

You didn't deserve the

You are scared, you were treated harshly on that thread IMO. I think you responded in the way you felt- unfortunately, that response was not a calm, measured one, and you were rude. Pah. We're all grown ups. Of course having a 12 week old baby is an excuse to be rude.

My advice is to namechange, come back and stay away from breastfeeding threads.

NancyDrewRocks · 13/12/2009 14:27

Goodness you are clearly very upset so I'm going to say this gently: you are being unreasonable.

Someone took a great deal of time to answer your post and address specific questions that you had asked. I do not know who that person is. I have never read any of her previous posts so I hope you will accept this post as unbiased.

LeQueen · 13/12/2009 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoldenSnitch · 13/12/2009 14:32

I have no idea who TikTok is but I think you were rude.

Your first post comes across as someone looking for advice and then when offered some you react as if the advice was unwanted!

MrsVik · 13/12/2009 14:36

mrsbean78

I hope your little one will start piling on that weight really soon.

From what your GP said, it doesn't sound like there is a problem, apart from a perhaps overly-zealous midwife. If stuff is going in one end of your baby, and coming out the other then there's unlikely to be much of a problem, right? But of course, with all that training, I guess a midwife could name a dozen illnesses associated with any symptom under the sun - I suppose that's what she's generally referring to as her 'concerns'.

I think this is what TikTok was trying to point out. With hindsight perhaps her post was a little ill-advised but I am positive the intention behind it was good. I am not in the TikTok fan club - this is the first I have ever come across her, so I am not biased, but I do think she was trying to help you as much as she could. It's notoriously hard on the internet to signal tone and intention in a post and I think you may have taken hers the wrong way.

My advice would be to step away from the internet for a little while - that way madness lies. If you have any more concerns, consult a health professional - not a forum. If your midwife keeps bugging you, let her know how stressed out it makes you. She'll not be wanting to have that affect and maybe she will back off a bit, or at least explain herself better.

I hope you feel better soon - I always feel better after a really good cry. Bravo to you for building up a good b/f routine with your son.

pixiestix · 13/12/2009 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mishy1234 · 13/12/2009 14:39

I'm sorry you are having such a stressful and worrying time atm. I have read the original thread and do think you have got the wrong end of the stick about what Ticktock posted.

Internet forums are quite strange places and probably not the best place for you to be atm. You are understandably very stressed and upset and as others have suggested do need to log off and concentrate on you and your baby. Work with your health professionals and ask as many questions as you need to. There are also many helplines which you can call on as well. I've used the NCT one and have found it very useful.

DSM · 13/12/2009 14:39

Please, please get off the internet.

You are being irrational and in a few weeks when you read these posts back, you will be embarrassed at your reactions.

We've all had newborns, we all know how you feel. Please, heed the advice and stay off the internet.

BackUpYourPhotosNow · 13/12/2009 14:54

In your house is an incredibly beautiful baby waiting for you to cuddle him/her. Stop staring at a shite computer monitor and go and cuddle your baby. Take a deep breath and forget all of this. Feed your baby , change a couple of hundred nappies, tell your m/wife to stop stressing you out and BE HAPPY.

Give it a few days, visit your gp, discuss weight gain, see how things go. In a few weeks things will be very different.

In a few months your baby will be almost unrecognisable, from the baby you are looking at today and things will be very different. Please go and enjoy your baby and stop worrying.

Mishy1234 · 13/12/2009 14:56

OK. I'm going to post again because I'm worried about you.

If you feel that you still need internet forum support, I'm going to suggest somewhere. I don't know if this is OK or not and I'm NOT suggesting the actual advice will be better than Ticktock has given, but the forum is much smaller which may make a difference. Have a look at it and see what you think. The forum is 'I Want My Mum'.

I'm not in any way suggesting that it's better than Mumsnet and I've seen truly excellent bf advice in both places. I'm just saying you MAY find it a more comfortable place for you atm as it's a much smaller forum.

Ticktock- PLEASE don't see this suggestion as a criticism in any way. I very much respect your advice and hope you see my suggestion in the spirit it is meant. I tried to send the OP this message privately, but it wasn't possible with her current settings.

Mishy1234 · 13/12/2009 14:58

By 'I don't know if this is OK or not' I mean if it's OK to suggest another forum on Mumset. Just wanted to clarify that.

MollieO · 13/12/2009 15:00

mrsbean are you a lone parent? Is there anyone you can call in RL to come and spend some time with you? If you are really upset and need action today then do what I suggested on the other thread.

I am a lone paent and it can be very very hard having to deal with a poorly newborn all on your own. For me that has been the hardest part of being a parent.

RainRainGoAway · 13/12/2009 15:05

MrsBean78, I am worried for you.

Mumsnet can seem incredibly harsh at times, I was slightly fuming at someone calling something I posted as being 'wrong'. And that was a lighthearted post. I can't imagine how you are feeling about something which is worrying you as much as a newborn.

I think TikTok was really helpful, but you didn't want black and white help.

My DS was failing to thrive for the first few weeks and the GP suggested it could be Cystic Fibrosis, just as an off the cuff remark. I pointed out that the test had been negative and she just blithely said the tests could be wrong. I was in bits for days. As it is, he is a healthy, if small little boy and perfectly well. So I do understand how you just do not want to hear things like that when you are already worried.

I hope you and DS are OK, it is early days and just try and treat youself kindly.

AgentZigzagDoingAYuleLog · 13/12/2009 15:07

pixiestix 'and you sound like a mental case'

would you like to elaborate on that? Or was that meant to be a 'helpful all round' remark?