Can you really be in a committed relationship yet still sleep with other people?

[notanumber]

I am a regular and I haven't namechanged, so it would me nice if we could sidestep any troll accusations.

I've been pondering this since reading the interview with George Michael in last weekend's Guardian.

Michael seems like a slightly troubled but very likeable man. He has been with his boyfriend Kenny Goss for a very long time and as such they are one of Celebrity Royalty's fêted couples.

However, Michael -in this interview and previously - has made clear that he routinely has sex with other people (clearly this is with Goss' consent or at least knowledge).

Now if they're happy, that's fine, I don't have a problem with someone having multiple sexual partners if that's their thing. I just find it very hard to buy that a couple can have this kind of understanding and for their relationship to be really truly committed.

It is hard work being committed to someone, and being sexually faithful is a big part of what makes it hard. The pay-off though (in my opinion), is a truly deep, fulfilling committed relationship. Basically, can someone be 'the one' if you routinely shag other people?

Of course, it's none of my bloody business what George Michael (or anyone else for that matter) does with his willy for fun. I'm not judging casual sex.

I would also like to stress that this is nothing to do with homosexuality for me - I'd feel similarly about a heterosexual couple who portray themselves as deeply committed yet regularly sleep with other people. I would be asking the question, well are you really that bloody committed then?

It really really isn't me being icky about anal sex. I don't get why someone would want a fist up their fanjo either, but this would in no way make me question their commitment to their relationship if it was something they only ever did with their partner.

So what do you think?

Rather sadly my main thoughts on this are to wonder how on earth one makes the time...

lequeen Are you really saying that if your husband died you'd never open to the possibility of loving again? How terribly sad.

If I was dying I hope I'd have the strength to tell my dh to move on and seek happiness again, and I hope I'd have the strength to do so too if, God forbid, he died young. On one hand you talk about people wasting their lives in inferior relationships but you would waste what's left of yours in grief. That's really really sad, for your children as much as for you.

op;

only read as far as "George Michael"....didn't want to read anymore...

but in answer to your question..

no, you cannot sleep around if you are in a commited relationship

Why is it sad that someone knows that they would never love again after the loss of a partner?

I wouldn't ever have another man in my life if my DH were to die, my marriage is for all of my life - I accept that my husband would probably have relationships but there is no way I would want him to marry anyone else, I'm his wife, forever.

If he died tomorrow, the rest of my life wouldn't be "wasted" by not finding another man, it would simply carry on without him physically there. I wouldn't be denying myself anything, I just know I would never let another man touch me, you can't deny yourself something you don't want in the first place.

completely agree with that Mal...feel the same way about my dh...

i could never love another man....i know that.

Well I am speaking partly from experience as my very good friend died last year leaving her husband and 4 children and he has recently started seeing someone new. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and I did a lot of soul searching but I do think it is right that he is seeking happiness again for him and his children. I worried that his grief would consume him this year and his children would never know their father other than an empty shell. I never thought I could say that I would hope my dh would find another woman if I died but for his and my children's sakes I really hope he would and believe me it breaks my heart to say it. I don't think he would love me any less for it.

Perhaps 'waste' was the wrong word. I've seen my MIL widowed for almost 40 years and I do think it's terribly sad that she never knew love again and that her children grew up without a father figure. For what it's worth I doubt I'd ever love again either but I'd hate to exist as an empty husk, and worse I'd hate for my children to see me existing that way.

I take your point - it was the husk that painted the picture of despair.

I have no doubt I'd be the same It's something that I have been forced to think about and it's almost a year since she died so all very raw. Sorry for the gloom and the tangent.

Off to eat a mince pie to cheer myself up

I'd prefer for children to know that they were cherished by a father who died, rather than the far more common situation of having a father who buggers off and no longer gives them the time of day.

My mother died when I was five, my father remarried when I was ten, that was the day I lost my father too - his wife saw me as not their responsibility because I had been adopted.

My FIL was widowed 11 years ago at 58, he's not had another relationship and is perfectly happy on his own, conversely, a friend's dad was widowed and remarried within a year and admits that it was a huge mistake.

The thought of me dying and my husband having to carry on without me is horrendous, I would hate to think of him lonely but the thought of him touching another woman is almost too much to bear.
If I knew I was dying, I'd probably have one of those Japanese robot lifesize dolls made in my image or is that a bit too weird?

TBH I think all this stuff about how you;d never get laid again if your H died is just daft. While I am certainly not wishing anything unpleasant on the monogamists, if your partners either die or piss off, you will hopefully learn a bit more sense rather than mope away the rest of your lives in vaguely necrophiliac obsessiveness. DOn't forget that even QUeen Victoria got a few lengths off the gamekeeper.

I keep coming back to this thread in an eyes peeping through fingers way.

How can anyone POSSIBLY know they would never be with someone else if their current partner died?

And what has it got to do with you who your partner has a relationship with when you are dead.?

It's all getting a bit tuppenny romantic novelette here.

Nah, I'd sit in my wedding dress at the front window, scaring all the children.
I may even get a young buff gardener to take his top off for me occasionally.

I wouldn't expect someone who has had lots of sexual partners to understand how only being with one person for the whole of your life makes you not want to be intimate with anyone else. We've been together for 60% of our total lives and it just wouldn't be an option for me either - call me daft but it would still seem like infidelity.

Just because I wouldn't want other men doesn't mean I wouldn't have a huge toy box!

That's it now, I feel like I'm tempting fate with all this talk of death!

Even if he left me, other men still wouldn't be an option - I'd be in prison after tracking him down and bludgeoning him to death with his prized Darth Vader statue.
I think I'm joking.

Jasper - I know in the same way that I knew at the age of 18 when I married him that it was for life. It really is that simple.
I just know.

jasper...

in all the time iv'e been on earth, i could count on one hand the people who i'd be happy to spend a day with......let alone fall in love with.

sex without love is easy to get....

i'm a bit better than that...

strawberry - how one finds the time is indeed the main disadvantage! I suppose being in my 20s and more energetic when I was establishing my relationships helped, and now we're older and social stuff fits in with our lives. I still have more time with either of my partners than someone whose DH watched the footy every weekend and played sport followed by the pub one weeknight, say.

Lequeen: it's irritation, not malice. I just find this obsessive monogamism a bit fucking adolescent, really. 'I love my partner so much, you poor fools will never understand the wonderfulness of our life-denying love' - I can't help wondering if the blokes in question aren't slightly bemused by all this foaming intensity (if not sitting there going 'yes dear' while quietly texting the girl across the road).
I suppose everyone needs a hobby, and obsessive monogamism maybe keeps the dull unacheivers out of everyone else's way and all that, but didn't you ever want to do anything interesting with your lives?