Can you really be in a committed relationship yet still sleep with other people?

[notanumber]

I am a regular and I haven't namechanged, so it would me nice if we could sidestep any troll accusations.

I've been pondering this since reading the interview with George Michael in last weekend's Guardian.

Michael seems like a slightly troubled but very likeable man. He has been with his boyfriend Kenny Goss for a very long time and as such they are one of Celebrity Royalty's fêted couples.

However, Michael -in this interview and previously - has made clear that he routinely has sex with other people (clearly this is with Goss' consent or at least knowledge).

Now if they're happy, that's fine, I don't have a problem with someone having multiple sexual partners if that's their thing. I just find it very hard to buy that a couple can have this kind of understanding and for their relationship to be really truly committed.

It is hard work being committed to someone, and being sexually faithful is a big part of what makes it hard. The pay-off though (in my opinion), is a truly deep, fulfilling committed relationship. Basically, can someone be 'the one' if you routinely shag other people?

Of course, it's none of my bloody business what George Michael (or anyone else for that matter) does with his willy for fun. I'm not judging casual sex.

I would also like to stress that this is nothing to do with homosexuality for me - I'd feel similarly about a heterosexual couple who portray themselves as deeply committed yet regularly sleep with other people. I would be asking the question, well are you really that bloody committed then?

It really really isn't me being icky about anal sex. I don't get why someone would want a fist up their fanjo either, but this would in no way make me question their commitment to their relationship if it was something they only ever did with their partner.

So what do you think?

tbh i can't blame the monogamy girls for banging on about sex in detail, god knows I'm always doing it myself on various other threads

as to why bring up the gay angle: because I think you'd find that far more gay couples have chosen to be non-monogamous (yes, I know not all of them) and yet, shock!! they are indeed fully committed. Yes Mal, FULLY!!! They two or three non monogamous lesbian couples I know adore eachother and I respect them so much for knowing what they want sexually and going for it with the full involvement (if the partner wants it) and consent of their partner. If you're gay (I'm bi myself) it is just that more logical to step out of the normative relationship framework, because you know you're not sexually 'normal' in the first place and you don't flipping want to be....

Seeing as the monogamists are not averse to a bit of sexual detail, I would like to ask what they think about threesomes and would they ever have one with their H's? (Or indeed have they? ) would that be too much 'sharing' of bodies even if you enjoyed it yourself and it was a great joint experience?

interesting Lenin, I am surrounded by lesbian couples in my personal life (a great thing imho) and all except one are openly non-monogamous but it could well be because we are all also lefty feminist types....

I'd admit that I probably know more people who are not into monogamy because I spend a lot of time on the fetish and swinging scenes (ie where other people with a non-mainstream view on sexual behaviour tend to hang out), but some of the people I have met who go in for open relationships have not been that upfront about it with everyone and only talked to me about it because of knowing that I write about sexual diversity and don;'t have a conventional sex life - so I would reckon that a lot more goes on than some people think.

Have finally namechanged - haven't read all the thread but yes it's certainly possible to be in a relationship (or multiple relationships) and sleep with other people and be totally committed to your partners. I've been with my main partner 15 years, my other partner 9 years, dp1 and I have two kids, had both partners with me during birth, we have ridiculously complex sets of insurance for all eventualities, and anyone who concludes we're not committed can get stuffed.

I have nothing against monogamy - hell I've had many a scheduling conflict when I've thought it might have been an idea except if I were to try it now I'd have to break up with a partner! I'm just against the idea that monogamy is the way for everyone and if you aren't sure about it you ought to not be in a relationship rather than negotiating a type of relationship that can work for you.

Like Solidgold I probably know more non-monogamous people from being in the poly, bisexual and various geeky communities, but like many other people keep quiet publicly thanks to friends' bad experiences with busybodies reporting them to social services and ss completely overreacting (in one case turning up and giving dad 10 minutes to leave the house or the kids would be taken into care - despite the police having previously visited and agreed there was no problem at all and it was a pleasure to see such happy thriving kids)

I can imagine it's possible for some people, yes. But not for me: I can't imagine wanting to sleep with anyone else but DH - the thought turns my stomach.

I had quite a few notches on my bedpost before I met DH, but the way I see it, I was 'interviewing'. I found the chap who is the best at doing it, and so don't need to bother with the rest of them any more!

If either of us ever get bored, I'm sure we'll just try some new things - together.

I can absolutely see the appeal of threesomes and even orgy type situations,
if you are not in a committed relationship.

I just don't understand how people can share the person they love, I understand it about as much as I understand the urge to have sex with children, it's completely alien to me.

The thought of a threesome for myself and my husband completely repulses me, one, because the sight of him having sex with another person would destroy me and two,
I'm not even slightly bi-curious, so it wouldn't work with a woman and my husband's not bi either so it wouldn't work with a man and he would no more want to watch another man have sex with me than I would want to watch him.

I've said it before but even if he died tomorrow, there would never be another man in my life, my marriage is for the rest of my life, there has only ever been and will only ever be him - I'm not saying it's a noble thing or right for anyone else, it's just how I feel.

Malificence - steady on. That last post could be read as though you are equating polyamorous people with child abusers, which is utter bullshit and only reinforces the idea that the hysterically monogamist are fucked up bigots.
LeQueen, I really, really, don't give a toss about your personal choices. They are your business. The problem I have with monogamists is their inability to leave other people alone or accept that there are different ways of living one's life.

Personally i think commitment is a bit like love, everyone has a different idea or slant on what it actually means to them. Each to their own.

"The problem I have with monogamists is their inability to leave other people alone or accept that there are different ways of living one's life."

Err... bit of a sweeping statement there, perhaps?

Though not quite as as comparing threesomes to paedophilia.

What an amazing and fantastically varied society we live in, and yet what insular and self absorbed individuals we can be.

Yes I'm sure it can be fantastic and greatly committed, just not for me.

So I'm loving the positive views and loving the angry rants. But like most people here, I will just carry on doing my own thing whilst tolerating other folks points of views.

And because no-ones mentioned it yet, that was a great post Polymama - thanks.

yep thanks polymama, fab post.

Argh SGB I want your unconventional sex life (or indeed any sex life atm, heh heh), where do I get one...

There's nothing like having your words twisted to score points.

I wasn't comparing polyamory to child abuse, I simply said that I understand the desire for polyamory as much as I understand the desire to abuse children, as in not at all .

It's not full committment, it's a selfish choice, which is absolutely fine and dandy if both partners are happy, but please don't try to convince me that it's in any way as committed as lifelong, faithful marriage because it's not .

LeQueen do you mean if anything happened to your other half you don't think you'd ever have a relationship again? really?

not questioning just genuinely interested.

And believe me, you can feel incredibly strongly and deeply about people and still have fun other people whom you dont' feel so strongly about. I know because I've done it and I know a lot of people who do. YOu clearly don't and just reel out stereeotypes of Swindon swingers which you seem to have got from the Daily Mail. And for the last time stop telling me and others on here that your feelings are better than ours. YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE. end of.

brw LQ if non monogamy was the way to avoid being devastated and heartbroken believe me i'd be a very very happy woman right now

LeQueen: your relationship, as I keep saying, is your business. My issue is that you keep insisting that it's better than other people's relationships, which is an opinion, not a fact.

sock, agingoth - thank you.

lenin - DP1 and I live together with offspring; DP2 lives with other partner, their other partner and kids. At one point (pre my kids) we looked into all living together but a 7-8 bedroom house somewhere where 4 adults could commute in different directions was totally unaffordable and impossible even if dc1 changed schools (Y1 then).

FWIW threesomes etc aren't my thing. Someone's leg's always in the way and more importantly you can't focus on your partner and be intimate in the same way. Bit like the difference between a meal for two and a dinner party, I suppose. Other people's sex can stay behind closed doors, thank you.

Given the complexity of relationship networks you can end up in, it really helps to be the sort of person who can handle an amicable breakup. If you refuse to ever be at the same social event as your ex ever again you can imagine the problem if said ex is also your partner's partner, or whatever. I do know plenty of people who have had simultaneous consensual relationships and then ended up settling down with just one partner - but that's because they've decided that's what they wanted, not because they thought they had to in order to have a relationship. Personally I don't believe that there's 'the one' for people - there's lots of potential people who would be good partners for everyone, each of whom would take your life in a slightly different direction.

Funny how people mourn the demise of the extended family, yet complain when people like me extend ours...

malifience can't be bothered to try to convince you of my commitment, you've seen my previous post. How about you try explaining what's not commited about my life?
Hint: I've stuck to every word of my marriage vows (the civil ceremony only requires you to confirm you can legally marry and say I, (name) take (name) to be my lawful husband/wife), and separately DP1 and I stood up in front of 100 friends and family to confirm our intentions to support each other throughout everything life might bring, in sickness and in health, etc, for the rest of our lives, including supporting our other relationships. The parents tend to refer to DP2 as cough, as in "I'm glad you've got a lovely cough like DP2 in your life"! The sentiment is the important thing!

So pray tell, where exactly am I lacking commitment?

Well, I can't- I know from bitter experience that I can't shag someone without becoming emotionally involved. I don't doubt that it works well for other people though.

Having said that, I imagine that some couples in open relationships will have one partner who is very keen on the idea and another who might prefer monogamy but who goes along with it for fear of losing their partner or making them unhappy. Must be utterly miserable. That's not an argument against it in general though.

Knownowt: maybe. BUt it's also true that in some monogamous relationships one partner is utterly miserable (eg has strong feelings for someone else and having previously not been monogamous, knows open relationships can work) and is sticking it out so as not to lose the other partner.