To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

[JustCause]

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

This post makes me very angry. Think of your child! My parents split when I was a little kid because my father physically and emotionally abused my mum. Despite it being over thirty years ago, I still remember it ( and have the emotional scars). I would never have forgiven my mother if she hadn't got me out of there as soon as humanly possible. FWIW I grew up to have a fairly good relationship with my dad until he died in Feb, but I never forgave him for what he did. I have always admired and loved my mother enormously for being brave enough to leave. You have no right to do this to your child, and if you don't get out and stay away you are exposing your child to abuse. If you are happy with that IMO you aren't fit to be a parent.

Oh well, this thread might help someone who is genuinely undecided. Some excellent posts here. OP, you carry on living your drama. May your dd forgive you.

glastocat... What age were you when your mother split up from your dad?

MaggieNollaig, I was eight, and I'm 40 with an eight year old son now which has made me think an awful lot about this recently. It was bloody hard for my mum to leave him, her family was Jehovah's witnesses who turned their back on her when she left him, so she had no money and little support. She still managed it though and it was the best thing she ever did for both of us.

For any believers in karma, my mum remarried very happily, and my dad died in Feb aged 63, a very lonely old man, His body lay for several days before I got the cops to kick the door in.

Sometimes, along with so many other emotions, 'anger' and the 'right' to feel it gets eroded.

I have a long way to go, I can handle 'good' emotions, but not other ones. I stopped expressing my own feelings to keep the peace and because I couldn't handle the consequences of sticking up for myself and the children, and the emotional payback.

And it is dangerous, because anger makes you determined, to want better.

I found it enough to not let the DC's Dad back after he walked out after several years of hell, not for me but for them, because they deserved better. I try to read as many 'normal' life threads as my time allows so that I remember what my children deserve because your own perceptions and judgements do become warped.

So my advice would be to the OP, to check some out. Kids shouldn't live in fear of anything other than the dark, thunder, etc and the usual childhood fears that we all go through. Certainly not of their parents.

Well, OP, if you really, really want to get back with your "D"P, then I suggest you put your DC up for adoption - with a family who will put her first.

Stop thinking with your fanjo and start thinking with your head and heart.

I am not HW
It is not a drama I am enjoying
I saw Social Services today. It is likely DD will go on the Child Protection Register.

This thread, along with the Social Worker have allowed me to see what an unbelievably egocentric selfish fuckwit he is. I talked to him after SW had been. He was all "I'm being punished"
I told him this was a consequence of what he did. It was all I could do not to punch him tbh but why should I stoop to his level?

Anyway I've been guilty of the same selfishness myself.
All this time I have had such low self-esteem (even the SW could see it on first meeting) that I would put his needs ahead of DD's and mine.
I had a sort of breakdown last night, following this thread. realising just what I was doing and the consequences my denial could have.
Just because its been years since he's hit me means fuck-all, given what he did to OW.

I cant change overnight. But I need to get him away from me and my daughter until he has proved he is capable of a healthy, respectful relationship.

Otherwise DD will end up like me, and I wont have that.

I am not asking you to keep posting to feed my drama FFS, but because I needed to absorb the harsh truth. And that has happened now, so thank you.

JC, why precisely will your dd go on the register ?

and what are you going to do about your boyfriend ?

OP, I was quite concerned that you had been pointed to a Lundy Bancroft book which gives a lot of information about DV.

I wasn't concerned about the fact that you'd been pointed in the direction of the book - I was concerned about you calling the author "Saint" which goes some way to explaining your skewed perception of your situation.....

you know, I have been lurking on here and it made me think...

I wonder how many other people lurk and read these posts without replying - far more than the 150+ that have posted so far I imagine and yet NOT ONE PERSON has said "yes i did it and life is great"

Get out for DD sake & leave it to SS to sort out his access rights - dont be tempted to contact him until you have had time to get the help that you need to break away from this scumbag. (not gonna call him a man as fed up of all men being branded bastards due to pricks like him)

this thread is still making me verrrrry uncomfortable

the strangely unemotional posting

the apparent turn-around in 24 hrs

lots of "services" already in place

just what exactly is going on here
?
JC, it would honestly help if you said who you really were

because your presence is strangely disjointed and not really "there" IYSWIM

have you already posted a lot of detail and just don't want to re-hash it all? Do you think people will think any less of you if you did come clean (I can't imagine how, tbh)

you are not being honest here, I feel

Why is your DD on the child protection register, OP?

Lots of great posts on here.

I do understand the temptation, OP. If I see my ex and he's in a good mood, I'd love to close my eyes and sink into his arms and forget all the bad stuff.

But I can't close my eyes for dd's sake.

You know from experience that you can't think straight in an abusive relationship. No matter how good his intentions are now, he'll always be testing the boundaries, making tiny encroachments over the line. It's exhausting to be always patrolling that line, and your ability to even know what's normal gets eroded very quickly.

You can't do it, OP. I'm sorry. You can't save him, you can't save the relationship. You don't have that power and you don't have that responsibility.

Your responsibility is all to your dd. For her sake, you are not morally allowed to this risk.

Excellent post, NicknameTaken. Brilliantly put

yes, dittany, I should have put " " around the "apparent"

I'm sorry but I'm with AF. If I'm going to offer further comment I'd appreciate knowing which regular I'm talking to - otherwise that's it from me.

Excellent posts on here - Nickname taken that was a brilliant post, Morloth, Dittany (as always), AnyFucker, FA, Mamazon. I can't really add anything to their comments.

Please think of your daughter JC.

I hate to feel distrustful but this has a real feeling of inevitability.

I think it has a real feeling of disingenuity myself. Never mind...hopefully someone might benefit from the effort so many people put in.

It IS exhausting to be patrolling that line.
I am NOT a troll.
I have had an epiphany. I now need to decide what to do.
I wasnt being flip when I called him Saint Lundy btw. When I was away from DD's father I saw that what LB wrote made sense.

I know I cant save him. I said he had to face up to what he had done and do you know what he said?

"What about what you did to me? What she did to me?"

I said "Nothing we did meant we deserved to be hit! Are you seriously saying that?"

He didnt have an answer.
Think that says it all.

I am not posting my real name, sorry. I need to find the strength to get him out of my life for good, then i will tell you.

I feel like I am slowly climbing out of denial, that's a start. Until I fully accept the reality of the situation though, there's no point in telling him to go.

Have a vague memory of a previous poster as well. But do you know what is really depressing? How often it comes up (both here and on other boards/in RL), and I have never once heard of a situation like this working out, not even once.

You would think statistically it would have to every now and again, but it doesn't.

Not ever.

I don't want to guess anymore at the identity

I made one stab and she has denied twice

I have another idea but this is getting silly now

Am withdrawing as the whole thing has lost its ring of truth for me

I split with my nasty XP and thank God I did. Yes, life is hard with 2 pre-schoolers but you couldn't pay me to take him back. The DC's get wonderful nursery reports (polite, friendly, play nicely) but I have a feeling they wouldn't be getting them if XP was still in the house screaming and threatening us.