To Get Back Together with mt Previously Abusive Ex

[JustCause]

I have namechanged for this because anyone reading the first few lines will probably think I have gone insane. But I am a regular and have posted about the relationship before.
Anyway.
My then DP left me for OW at the beginning of the year. Even though our relationship was barely-there, I thought it would work out. Our DD wasnt even a year old and I was very wrapped up in her and too exasperated/weary of his behaviour to really care about what he thought.
I knew it wouldnt work out with OW and it imploded spectacularly when during one of their fights he hit her twice and she called the police. After initially saying they would work it out, she then changed her mind and told him it was over.
He then contacted me 2 weeks later and told me it was over between them. I agreed to see him and was stunned that after all he'd done I still had feelings for him.
I hadnt expected to.
I hadnt seen him for months which was my doing.
We have a hell of a history so I have my reasons for wanting to give him another chance. He is hugely apologetic and
HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART.
Has agreed to go on a Pat-Craven type course for abusive men. I wouldn't have agreed to us getting back together if he hadnt.

He is now several weeks into the course and attending every week and on time.

He has been a selfish, nasty, dangerous prick at times but I believe this has been a wake-up call for him.
For one thing he has faced three nights in a police cell and for another there have been other consequences. OW has exercised her right to press charges (after initially deciding not to) so that has led to other stuff I dont want to go into here.

I dont know what the future holds, but if there's a chance he wants to change, and does and we are able to be a family again, AIBU for wanting to be back with him?

I am scared and I don't even know him

am more scared for a defenceless little girl though

how many children are harmed by a violent man to teach their uppity women a lesson too ?

now that is what would keep me awake at night

OP - read sparklefrog's post of 21:12. Print it out and read it every time you think you can make a go of things.

You are making a choice here. You can stop him seeing you and your DD, you shouldn't be asking him, you should be telling him. If you don't, to be blunt, you will lose your DD. Maybe not from her being taken away from you by SS (and that is a very real possibility) but even if they don't, she will leave you as soon as she is old enough. Is she really worth so little to you?

but this isn't short term is it ?

it is ongoing

he goes, she starts to build a life without him, he attacks another woman then waltzes back into her life

she doesn't even have to placate him

from what she has said, all the "agencies" are on standby already

he is awaiting court for assault

one phone call to the police is all it would take to get him banged up

why placate, why fear ?

she has the control and unfortunately, seems to be be liking it

the trouble is, it is a very fragile control and will soon crumble

dittany, you won't convince me I'm afraid

if this is for real, I have made my mind up about this woman and it ain't pretty

I have no idea if the OP is after drama or if she really has a messed up and deluded view due to her P.

But, when I was there, I did try to justify it all and would pass off his actions as he was "always doing [something] to improve" and I wanted it to work so deluded myself.

I only had the strength to get to where I am now (and I am only just getting out in the last few days, but it is permanent) because I had had a few drinks with a mate I felt safe with and therefore, with the courage of alcohol and my male mate, called the police when XP arrived nearly banging down the door. It only got to this stage thanks to the police and courts pushing everything through faster than I could think.

Sometimes women are so conditioned that they can't do it by themselves and need someone else to make decisions and take steps for them. Or, at least, that is what I now believe fro my experience and from reading many threads here.

I thought DS wasn't aware of what was going on (other than the police arriving to interview me), but just last night he was crying and told me he was worried about me and didn't want to go to school as he didn't want to leave me. A five year old boy. Heart breaking, and an even bigger wake up call.

justcause, I hope you can find someone who is a real support in your life to help you push through with what you need to do, regardless of what you want to do. It is not worth damaging your DD for a man like that.

I hope that made sense, I am not very articulate and not good at getting across what I want to say (hence the essays!)

Thank you MrsWill

I can totally relate to what you said about having difficulty forming friendships, and about low school performance.

I have always found it difficult to make friends and set boundaries. I was badly bullied at school too.

One thing that sticks in my mind is that it wasn't until I was in my twenties, and living on my own, that I could sit or stand anywhere in my home without my back against a wall.

I just never knew when my father was going to strike, so I never sat in a chair if it wasn't pushed up against a wall or stood anywhere in my childhood home if there was room for someone to sneak in behind me IYKWIM.

If there is one DC that can be spared the horror of growing up in a DV situation from the little I have said, that would make my heart soar.

I didn't realise how awful it really was, until it was safe to exhale, and that wasn't until I left home. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I hope it does.

I have spent half of my life battling my inner demons of feeling worthless and unliked, and it all stems from my childhood.

I understand a little more of what my mother went through now, but it took a long long time.

All of my siblings have suffered too.

One of my siblings cannot bear to mention my father's name. The ripples run far and wide.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that the OP takes on board what everyone has said, and spares her DD the pain and suffering living with an abusive parent will cause.

what I don't understand is why she is giving him the time of day in the 1st place

of course I think battered women are afraid of the batterer

but in this particular case, she had her "out"

she still has her "out", she has a choice and is deliberately going back to a situation she had already escaped

her child is on the CPR because of him

what more would it take for her to accept the advice and help she is clearly referring to being offered to her in RL ?

I understand it can take many attempts for a woman to be free of an abusive man, especially if there is little support and practical help. But she was free, and could easily be so again

she just doesn't want to be, even for the sake of her dd

how do you try to understand that ?

shiney, I wish I could just shut the fuck up, too

spicemonster I totally agree with you regarding DC leaving home as soon as possible in these situations.

I have 2 siblings. One left home at 16 yrs old, and vowed never to return. My mother has a very poor relationship with that particular sibling, who still, like me, feels incredibly let down and angry with my mother. They only speak a few times a yr.

The next sibling to leave was 21.

I left home at 17yrs old, and went to live with a friend. I slept on a damp mattress in a box room on the floor. My clothes never dried completely, and I was always cold, and lived in damp clothes, but it was heaven compared to home.

My mother has suffered, not only in her relationship with her XP breaking down, but you are right, her relationship with each of her DC also broke down.

My mother lives with immense guilt, but although on the surface, I am there for my mother, and I do love my mother, it is too little, too late.

Children are children for such a short time, and our effect on them as their parents is profound in that short time. I am glad I learnt this through my mothers mistakes and not my own.

When my XP was abusive to me, I kicked him out!! My DD is more important to me than any man on the face of this planet (except my DS )

Sparklefrogs - am giving you a lot of unmumsnetty hugs, you deserve a good life, you and your children, i hope you find some peace.

I think sometimes the effect of DV on children is more of an afterthought, as there is an adult victim in the situation who is shouting louder for help. The saddest thing we see at work is the daughters of women we have worked with a decade previously, coming in for exactly the same reasons their mothers did.

You do have a point AF. Scared of being alone maybe?? I don't know, we can all speculate, but I doubt she will tell us much more. She is obviously not prepared/able/willing to.

you would think that her DD being on the CPR would be enough....

I know how harsh I am being kitty.

And whatever anyone says, it is speculation

I sincerely doubt it is as black and white as frightened battered wife versus selfish egomaniac.

But by saying perhaps she would be better placating a violent man though is surely enabling her ?

Because she has the tools to get rid. Many battered women don't, but she does.

I know shiney, I gave flight precisely that advice about 200 posts ago !

< must start taking own counsel >

Thanks for the hugs and the kind words mrswill

When children see that DV is tolerable, by their mother's example, I am not surprised that they have the same problems 10 yrs down the road, but people like yourself mrswill are giving an invaluable service to DV victims.

I only wish every woman realised she was worth more. even if I still have problems with that myself. Personally, I'd rather stay single until I am 200% sure of a man, to ensure my DD grows up happy and healthy emotionally.

It is far easier to prevent the damage, than to cure AFA children are concerned. If children were protected from these situations, maybe there would be fewer DV cases in the future. I don't know.

no hand wringing or imploring will change op mind.it will make her feel more got at and potentially more isolated and we have history

i am troubled by her dd outcomes,the learning/social conditioning of being around a violent dad and ambivalent mum, not good

Dittany, I won't retype my previous posts word for word. It would be a waste of both our energy, me for typing and you for re-reading.

We will have to agree to disagree.

sm is right, I wish I hadn't got dragged in

I should have stayed flounced, like I did at about 7pm.

I'm not sure why the OP bothered starting this thread?

Social services have deemed her child to be at risk and yet this is not enough of an incentive - what are the chances that she'll listen to a bunch of strangers?

Threads like this really irritate me as there are so many wonderful women on here who are willing to share painful memories in order to try and help the OP, and yet they are just ignored.

It all seems a bit too attention seeking with the drip feeding, sudden turnarounds and the usual "I'm a regular but won't tell you who I am" crap

Thank you very much Sparklefrog .

We do tend to see lovely outcomes to, especially with younger girls for some reason. One girl was in a very dire situation and had to be moved hundreds of miles from a very dangerous ex, disgraceful that she had to be moved really, but there you go. She had virtually no 'personality' when we first supported her, but without the abusive influence of her family and ex partner she soon started a new life for her and her son and was training in midwifery. The last time i came face to face with her was at my labour with DD where she was a midwife! She really had turned her life around, she did not accept that a violent criminal was all life had to offer her like the OP.

I do understand where dittany is coming from, it seems as if the OP has been programmed to jump when this prick asks, which smacks of serious head fuckery by him, conditioned behaviour etc etc. But also agree with she has this chance to escape, a chance many women suffering would junp at. The likelihood, if she called it a day now, he would most likely push off, something hes not going to do once he gets his claws in.