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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking this baby shower invite is tacky...

69 replies

AliGrylls · 06/12/2009 18:39

Unfortunately, my friend asked me ages ago whether I would go to her baby shower so I now feel obliged to pitch.

However, I have just read the invite and on it states: there will be party games; there is a gift list attached; please bring anything you would like to eat or drink with you.

Is this normal protocol for a baby shower or am I being unreasonable for thinking it sounds a bit tacky. If it is I will clench my teeth and bear it but it is sooooo not my cup of tea.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/12/2009 18:40

You have to take your own food and drink?! How bizarre.

And a gift list!!

I think baby showers are tacky fullstop, however the invite is phrased.

MmeLindt · 06/12/2009 18:40

Hmm, never been to a baby shower, but I feel if you are expecting gifts then it is only polite to offer your guests food and drink.

PeedOffWithNits · 06/12/2009 18:41

IMO baby showers ARE tacky

why can people not wait for gifts after the arrival

expatinscotland · 06/12/2009 18:42

I'm with Peed. I find babyshowers tacky and grabby.

But, being American by birth, I've been to several and you are not expected to provide your own food and drink as well as a gift.

Original poster
AliGrylls · 06/12/2009 18:43

Choccie one, my sentiments exactly.

Now I know what it is all about I am not sure I want to go.....but she is a good friend. Do I have to grit my teeth and bear it or is there a way out?

OP posts:
Brunettelady · 06/12/2009 18:44

Is this another American tradition that is making its way over? Don't people just buy a gift when the baby is born?

I have never been to one but to ask guests for a present then tell them they have to bring their own food and drink is a bit off I think.

SmacOnTheLipsUnderTheMistletoe · 06/12/2009 18:45

I have never been to a baby shower so really don't know what the protocol is BUT to provide a gift list AND to expect guests to bring food and drink seems very rude.
I would have thought if a gift list is provided the very least the expectant mother could do was provide some drinks and nibbles, cake or something. Even if she doesn't feel like cooking or preparing food all the shops are choc-a-block with party food.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2009 18:45

if she's a good friend i'd tell her she was out of order and if she can't afford to lay on food and drink then no shower.

say you researched it on American sites.

because i can promise you, you don't bring your own food and drink to them.

i've been to some potluck ones, but never 'bring your own food and drink, and oh, gimme a gift, too.'

Brunettelady · 06/12/2009 18:46

Have an unexpected appointment at the day/time of the shower. Doctors or something that can't wait. You don't have to explain why you are going to the doctors.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2009 18:46

also, they are never thrown by the mother-to-be. they are hosted by her friends and/or relatives.

SmacOnTheLipsUnderTheMistletoe · 06/12/2009 18:46

sorry for x posts - had to go and get DD some milk and seems like everyone is saying the same thing!

PheasantPlucker · 06/12/2009 18:47

So, you take all your own booze and eats, and you have to buy a present from a list for a baby in utero? Bizarre!

I would avoid it, and buy a present of your own choosing when the baby arrives.

Brunettelady · 06/12/2009 18:47

If you do go, make a point of taking out your own flask of tea with some milk and sugar. Petty I know but it does seem rude to want a present but not provide even basic refreshments.

SnailWhaleTail · 06/12/2009 18:48

Develop a diplomatic illness on the day?

After all, it's not going to mess up her numbers for the catering is it!

SmacOnTheLipsUnderTheMistletoe · 06/12/2009 18:48

take a tea bag and a kitkat and leave after 15 minutes !

No seriously it sounds weird.

nickytwotimes · 06/12/2009 18:48

It's bloody rude!
Not only is having a gift list a bit , but to ask guests to bring food and drink too is a bloody cheek.
I'd make my excuses.
Are you in the states/is she from the US? If not, she is being a tad greedy imo.

Original poster
AliGrylls · 06/12/2009 18:52

She is fully UK born and bred which is even funnier. Some of my friends are quite americanised so I know where the idea came from. However, she is the first to have a baby shower.

OP posts:
YanknChristmasCrackers · 06/12/2009 19:00

expat is absolutely right. An American thing yes, but no way would you ever be expected to bring your own food (unless it was organised as a potluck). Also tacky to throw it for yourself.

I haven't lived in the U.S. for a while, but I would have thought the gift list bit is the same as with weddings. You find out where the person is registered by word of mouth and go to the shop or online to view it, not have it pushed in your face with the invite!

Sassybeast · 06/12/2009 19:01

No no no no. You don't organise your 'own' baby shower - your mates or family organise it. And a gift list ? That would put me right off and the bringing your own food/drinks would absolutely mean that I'd be busy that day.

AMerryScot · 06/12/2009 19:09

Baby showers are tacky, with if you go along with it, then you get:

party games
gift giving (that's the whole point).

I imagine the food thing is some kind of 'pot luck' or 'bring and share'. That is a bit strange to ask in advance. If friends are particularly close, then they will arrange a bring and share, or at least they will provide a savoury buffet and guests will bring a pudding or bottle.

I had a baby shower for my first child - my boss was American and she threw it for me. It was very nice to basically have a girly Sunday afternoon. I got loads of presents before birth rather than afterwards, which some Brits can find supersticious, but no one was put under pressure to give more than they otherwise would. The games weren't too humiliating (guess the girth, and a memory game).

I think we should all be able to cut to the chase and know that a new family has to get new stuff. It is really great to get things that you need rather than the 15th 0-3 mo pink dress. My baby shower wasn't 'organised' to the extent that friends clubbed together for big items, but I really didn't have to buy much myself (parents and inlaws bought the biggies).

ViveLeCliche · 06/12/2009 19:17

YANBU - sounds turgid (games - yuk) and not very much fun (bring your own food and drink? Can this include a hipflask and/or minibar?)

Having said that, my friends threw me a baby shower - I was quite worried about it but they decided to do it because I'd organised quite a few group holidays/outings/hen nights for people in the group and as I'm unlikely to get married (er...no one in my family does - they've all been together for over 20 years - not sure why we're so adverse) they decided this was something they could do for me so despite initial trepidation, I was very very touched and thought it much better to be gracious and pleased (which I was.)

BUT even though they booked the bar (fully appreciating attendees will need a drink to get through baby shower - quite a few of my friends are men) and did the invites (and decorated it beautifully - all of which costs) and obviously there were lovely presents - the least I thought I could do on the night was make sure there was wine and drinks set out and a tab to order food on. Also I would most certainly NOT expect people to bring another present once the baby is here.

The best way I could view a baby shower is the last chance to get to see all of your good friends in one place properly before the birth - that's definitely worth doing.

skidoodle · 06/12/2009 19:17

"I think we should all be able to cut to the chase and know that a new family has to get new stuff"

Just because a new family needs new stuff doesn't mean that it is the responsibility of their friends to provide it.

All baby shower invitations are tacky, because parties that are just an excuse for grabbiness are tacky by definition.

A baby shower is NEVER hosted by the intended recipient.

I well remember having to insist my American friends not throw me a baby shower. We had a night out together, but there is no way I wanted anything to do with a shower. Yuck.

The way out of this party is to say "I'm sorry, I can't make it", same as with any other social event you don't want to attend.

TheBolter · 06/12/2009 19:25

EEEwwww... I hope I never find myself having to go to a baby shower... thankfully I can't imagine any of my friends ever throwing one. They just seem so greedy - especially if they are being thrown by the mum to be! Can't she just wait until after the birth to receive some presents? Or does she get everything on credit?

zanz1bar · 06/12/2009 19:28

OH FGS its not for you

Go . keep your opinions about how tacky it is to yourself.

All right the gift list is a bit pushy but asking for you to add a contribution to the food and drink is perfectly acceptable and the norm with all baby showers I have been too.
Its not a christening but a collection of mostly female friends who meet up on a sunday afternoon for tea and cake and a few silly games.

CybilLiberty · 06/12/2009 19:31

Baby showers= greedy

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